BPDFamily.com

My ex is now 44. She was/is overly conscious of aging. Always worried about wrinkles looking old. She repeatedly told me as she left that she was now done with men. She would not allow any in her life as she trusted none of them. Then she would say look at me and say, what do i have to offer anyway. Nice contradiction.

I'm wondering do waif's become like hermits or crazy cat women, or in my ex's case crazy dog women. When the looks start to fade do they get even more desperate? I mean their looks are a big part in getting men to buy in to their neediness and helplessness. Do they start the plastic surgery routine?

My ex's mom who is probably borderline as well is on marriage 4. She is 64 and has had a lot of plastic surgery done. The ex was always talking about getting a boob job.

Do they just live alone with their pets and kids and truly not need men anymore as they age?

My ex is gorgeous, very thin, 26 and complains she isn't pretty and she has cellulite. Go figure.

Example:

I know this borderline waif, who thought she was beyond everything, scared of ageing, then she decided to have her teeth whitened. She has got long curly hair (till her bum),  she exercises every day (excessively) and has got the body of a young woman (so she thinks), she shaves her whole body (looking like a young child). She is 48 years old, if you see her from a distance you think she is a 12 year old kid. She has developed a youngish persona, she speaks like a young girl and is always over-excited.

She is going for married men or men in relationships, actually for any man she can seduce and wants to be saved.

Waif looking for knights in shining armour.

My ex is a model. She is 34 now and semi retired. Was not getting the attention or shoots like the younger girls. Hated how she looked. Dressed like a teenager sometimes. Talked about one day getting boob job, face lift, etc. I am sure she will. Self absorbed.

Of course they are going to have worry about age, wrinkles, etc.  They use their sex appeal to get what they want.  BPD Waif's don't have a 'self' so it's all about their looks.  If they lose that, what do they have left?

It's what hooked you guys isn't it?

What exactly is a BPD waif?

Hahaha.

But it's so true & so sad, isn't it? I'm thinking what she really wants is to be told she is sexy & desirable anyway.

There are worse fates than being a cat or dog lady. Pets are nice to have around.

Yep. Her looks, her charm, her sex appeal, her flirting, her seductive nature. It's how she hooks all her men.

I must say - as a women - I am getting confused. Lots of guys want flirting, seductive, charming women.

One can be charming and flirting without being borderline or cheating.

Most guys, I have met after my break-up are looking for this immediate chemistry and are telling me so. I am a bit astonished, because I thought, fine, if a guy seems nice, give him a chance and meet him again, get to know him.

Honestly, guys, I have met some guys who seem to want me to put my hand on their legs, look deep into their eyes and say honey: Your place or mine?

Just a though about expectations, images, and whatever.

I am still the one, who is more interested in getting to know the person than the image ... .

I'm also curious about what happens to BPD women as they age in their 30s, with a focus on the biological clock issue.  I imagine that men will overlook or "roll with" a lot of BPD/NPD demands when the man is in pursuit of procreating with a women.  For an example, a 27-year-old attractive woman can probably get away with a lot if she's talking about raising a family with a guy.  But once this woman is say, 33, I would imagine that many top-choice males will not stick around as long when the demands start shining through -- plus, the men will have to start wondering how serious she really is about wanting to have children and about why exactly she is still single at 33 (might not be so easy to hide that she's crazy).  Has anyone been around a BPD in this age range and witnessed the effects of the biological clock ticking?  Does the BPD start going crazy as she's losing control over guys and her gamesmanship is weakened?  I suppose she can always drop from dating 8's to dating 6's, which I imagine might only make her more abusive towards her partners, until she hits 36 or so and starts to really have a hard time finding a high-caliber guy to make her his Saturday-night regular date.  Maybe she turns to home-wrecking for fun at that point, but even then she's just second fiddle.   

the helpless BPD. They don't rage

Hey now, there's nothing wrong with being single in one's mid-30s (spoken as a woman who is single in her mid-30s,  lol).

But, in all seriousness, as for "top-choice males" -- well, that's not necessarily what a pwBPD is looking for, is it? They attach to people who will fulfill their needs and put up with them. Looks, social status, financial situation... .these are all very secondary concerns.

As long as there are people in the world who will let them attach, even if just for short periods, they will keep doing what they're doing.

I disagree with that. Bpd's have to be attracted lol.

I agree with this.  And this is one of the reasons I think BPD relationships can be so unstable.  Most Nons will try to pair up with the best partner they can get and hold on to that partner (or maybe leave if something much better comes along).  With a pwBPD, she could jump from a friendly, handsome surgeon to a someone lower ranked on the marriage market, on a whim, while bragging to people about how she's not concerned about looks, social status, and financial situation.  This opens up her pool of targets tremendously.  No marriage partner -- no matter how friendly and desirable -- can count on stability with a BPD.  Perhaps a red flag to look out for is if a girl who is a 9 or 10 has burned through a few multi-year relationships with guys who are nowhere close to 9 or 10 status in terms of marriage desirability (this is somewhat superficial, I know, but it does cause reason to investigate). 

I'll have to say my ex is different. She went for guys with good jobs and looks. But they don't all act the same.

In the case of mine I don't think she will live past 30 tbh.

The Annorexia is destroying her body as well as chainsmoking, binge drinking,  drug use etc.

I'm 7 years older than her but in about a million times better shape. She must have the internal physiology of a 40 year old at age 20.

I seriously don't see her body holding up another decade,  as for looks,  she looks much worse than she did when I met her a year ago. She's gone from an 8 to like a 6. She reminds me of that family guy episode where Peter smokes like 500 cigarettes a day and starts looking like a zombie. She has a grey tint to her skin.

My uBPDw has gotten much worse over the years. Not in a straight line down, but down over time. I would say she is much harder to live with now than when we were first married several decades ago. Stressful stuff like traveling and getting ready for company always bring on major dysfunctional episodes. THEO

PS. Don't know what a Waif is but almost certain mine is not one as she is extremely strong/self willed.

The waif is the quiet borderline. They are the ones who self harm and usually have eating disorders.  They manipulate by acting helpless and gaining sympathy.  If they do things wrong and you confront them they will cry and fall on the floor in a heap, telling you how they hate themselves and are worthless, if you don't give them enough attention they will make something up to be upset over and tell you how they need you and can't cope etc.

They usually are strikingly beautiful in an "unusual" way, and look like porcelain dolls,  but don't be fooled,  they are THE most dangerous type as they strip you of your ability to defend yourself out of fear you will "break them", andtheir dark, hellish depression is contagious and they will drag you down to the pits of hell in which they reside.

Not to be over dramatic.

My ex isn't a waif per se. But I've seen that side of her. She is 41, a little over weight, and not really a beauty queen. Just an average looking 41 yo woman. But she goes for younger guys. New supply is 33 years old. Not sure what that says about him or her.

Thanks Inferno. Great description. I think it's hard to over dramatize or overstate the characteristic of most BPDs. They are extreme by nature.

I think I was " selected" by her because I am just the opposite: quiet, steady, mild mannered. (I actually was an Eagle Scout). I balance her traits and have  put up with her dysfunctional behavior for many years. That's changing now that I have her number and am establishing boundaries. Theo

My exBPDgf is a classic WAIF. She is probably one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen anywhere. A couple of years ago if I would tell her she looked pretty or cute she would say no I am beautiful. She knew it to be true and her looks were a huge asset I am sure.

Well... .now she is 44. I am shocked at how different she looks from just a couple of years ago. It looks like she aged 5-10 years in 24 months. This has affected her tremendously as she feels ugly and fat and not sexy. I would agree with the others who said these women rely on their looks to get what they want. I got her hair extensions.The hair extensions made her feel better for about 2 days. Then she pulled them all out while dysregulated (which really pissed me off... .they were expensive!).

Dating at midlife is hard enough but it is a fact that many men (including myself) tend to date women younger than themselves if we can. This most recent breakup is the first in my idiotic r/s with this woman where she didn't have somebody already lined up.

They date even older men and end up eventually with a guy so old that he tolerates all the crap because he is utterly laid back and has seen it all before and lives for the sex.

My ex had such low self esteem that I couldn't tell her that she looked good, pretty, or nice. She either got mad, sarcastic, or ignored me. It's almost as if she thought that I would lie about it, haha. So sad!

Mine would do the same in 2014. But then if I didn't say anything she would get mad and say you didn't say I look nice! 

I think they can get along ok if they can hook up with a partner who has low self esteem and thinks they can't get a normal partner. A co-dependent person with low self esteem that "needs to be needed" is perfect for them.

I tell this to the BPDx all the time. Given that she now has 5 kids under the age of 7 by 3 different guys, as far as "dating' goes, she's pretty much down to settling for any poor soul that can't get any and is willing to put up with all her crap in exchange for sex. Often times the "putting up with all her crap" thing i just mentioned is masked as "love". lol

My expwBPD, childless and over 50, hooked up with someone with lots of kids and many relatives.  She has good supply for making people feel bad for her.  Once I started reading about waifs, I started to remember that pattern of needing to make others feel bad for her.  In our 1.5 year relationship, her looks declined significantly from a beautiful woman to a thin skeletal person with blank eyes.

Mine left me for a 5'6, short squat hipster wannabe.Hangs out in strip clubs. She is a goddess. They reconnected at a wedding where he was best man, she was maid of honor. She idealized him as soon as they reconnected, and as she went ahead of me a couple of days to help with the set up, I have a feeling she slept with him before I got there. The whole thing is so messed up. The picture of them standing next to each other is laughable, she's 5'9. Anyway, she started losing weight rapidly to tone up in the month before she left me and moved across country to him. She'll get older, she'll probably keep up her looks for awhile. Til then, she'll get by, cause she's hot, but as she refuses to seek any help or acknowledge any problems, this will happen to him too, and over and over again.

In the case of my ex's mother, she moved in with her daughter.  In the case of my ex's grandmother, it was suicide in her 60s.  

Pretty tragic all the way around.    

Same.