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have been with my udBPDbf for five years had an abused childhood mother alcoholic father drug addict was brought up in care in the begining he couldnt get enough of me even though he lives 60 miles away even buying the same groceries as me same trinkets etc but the last 8 months have been hell lost my father to cancer 18 months ago so ten days ago he turned up at mine with some money he owed me i let him stay over but i knew i was going to end it the next morning which i did when i told him we were over he went nuts said he thought i was happy he said he wasnt expecting it  lol he curled up into a ball on my bedroom floor a screamed and cried refused to get up or move then when my eldest daughter came home he beg her to tell me not to leave him she is 21 and was truly horrified at me said he was a mess and to give him another chance and to help him with his issues i said i would give him 2 months he was happy with this made countless promises

i work hard but he doesnt work at all had 7 holidays this year one of my terms for reconciling was he had to stop going of with his friends living like a single guy he promised me that this would not be happening

fast forward 2 days later he goes home then calls me and tells me hes of to poland with his friends i told him poland or me silence i drove 60 miles and returned his things gave them to his brother who is lovely he didnt no what to say to me just looked shocked by it all i have heard nothing silence my therapist is very unerved by this she says its not over with him yet he has been very abusive over the years both mentally and physically but im glad im getting the silent treatment its better for me i am confused as to why he didnt walk away when i ended things why did he beg my daughter is also confused and angry that he used her in this way none of my friends or family like him they keep away from him say there is just something about him that unerves them and with what my t says i am getting worried by the silence she says hel come back cos he thinks he can do what he wants and she says that the silent treatment is the worse form of abuse there is i dont want to hear from him but im sorry or you hit_ would have been somthing but nothing at all after 5 years is strange hes give me the silent treatment before and there is no one else he doesnt cheat and im his first proper girlfriend he doesnt trust women at all is my t right will he come back nastier if he thinks ive moved on she wants me to notify the police of my situation just incase is she right am i in for a rough ride someone please enlighten me to this crazy thing   any advice would be good   my-issues

Your T is probably right.  Letting him back into your life enables him to believe he can keep coming back.


A pacifier does wonders for situations like this.  :)

thank you david but are these typical BPD behaviours do they think they own you do they think they can do what ever they like and be forgiven   i have never seen a grown man act like this and what with the curling up and crying no tears though please explain

My 6'8" waif could turn on more tears than there are in the ocean.  His specialty is being pitiful.  He can actually make himself look small and helpless which is just weird.  I tolerated when I thought it was part of his depression, but when it didn't get better it just started pissing me off.  He didn't do the ball-on-the-floor routine, but he did look all puppydog-eyes at me when I threw him out and told me how bad this was going to be for him, how it would ruin him and so on.  Hah!  He's at home with his mom as a full-time maid and going back to college at 37.  He'll never work, but he's sucking his home state and his parents dry.  Better his teeth are in their neck than in mine.

The "I can't live without you"... .no wait... ."yes I can."  Is very much BPD behavior.  They court you, beg forgiveness, promise anything and then when it suits them waltz away without a backward glance.  They just assume that you will forgive them like you have in the past.  They assume that you have no limits and they can push as much as they like.  Well you know what they say about "assume."

Are you sure he doesn't cheat?  Porn is cheating and mine was into it big time.  He didn't/doesn't trust women either -- in real life.  But porn isn't real so it's safe -- even though it can have the same effect of pushing your partner away or even replacing them. 

Basically this guy is really really crazy, which pretty much categorizes someone with BPD.  their behaviors are so over the top outrageous that their partners end up needing a forum like to for reassurance that THEY aren't the crazy one.  He's waving a whole bouquet of red flags. red-flag   Pay attention to them.  You don't really want to spend your life with a man who acts like this do you?  Then cut it off now, cut it off hard and cut it off permanently.  No contact.  Restraining order if you need to get one, but make it clear that his behavior is so unacceptable that you never want to see or hear from him again.  Suggest that he gets some help (he won't) and tell him you hope he has a nice life and be on your way.

thank you cassie i dont think il here from him again but hes so crazyyou never no his behaviour has become worse the last couple of months as i am progressing in my career last year we went on holiday to turkey and he slammed a taxi door on my finger and chopped the end of it off it cost 600 pound to get it put back on we flew home and he vanish four days later said he has to work ha ha he has been silent totally not a word not even an appology i really dont get it why didnt he just go when i ended things why put on a performance if he went he could do what ever he liked then and how can anyone act like that it was like watching a mad man im finding it difficult to see whats real and what was fake he used the my mother left me you cant line why go home and completely change in two days

Everything you are dealing with is real. It's not going to magically go away with what you do or do not do- this is a disordered person.  Your actions are reactions to the disorder. Once you realize how the disorder works, you'll realize how your part is crucial in the feeding of the disorder.  Getting pulled into it is really all about how you feel about yourself- and a Borderline will play this dynamic of clinging/distancing with you until it becomes a rope burn on your heart.

Believe it or not, the disorder can be anticipated.  It involves you in ways that are easy to see. You are a rescuer. You are kind, capable and since your Father's passing: vulnerable.  A Borderline can spot vulnerability from a mile away. The Borderline Waif identifies with vulnerability rather than strength. They project this vulnerability on to you to see how you deal with it. You on the other hand, are seeking an equal; someone whom you can confide in and rely on for emotional support. The Borderline disappoints in this regard and leaves you with a feeling of being taken advantage of- whether it's lending and borrowing, equal share time or just simple compassion. The Borderline moves through these attempts at intimacy and fails to understand your emotions behind them. They are only aware of their own perception of these attempts- which can range from hyper-criticisms to control to fondness that scares them.

Borderlines live in a fantasy World where the Borderline seeks out individuals that are rewarding. Rewarding to a Borderline Waif is finding a person that is also vulnerable yet active in life. They look for people who are capable enough to cling to while giving themselves the idea that they are your savior. The clinging to you is really a morphing of self- a chameleon behavior that seeks to mirror and reward your good so that they will also feel good. That chameleon change gives you the idea that this is a person, somewhat flawed, but with your help and given time and effort- will bloom into a better person. You see yourself as a rescuer, because you , yourself, feel vulnerable and in need of rescue- so you project this on to him. The Waif Borderline relationship starts with mirroring each other- and can be seen in these statements:

in the beginning he couldn't get enough of me even though he lives 60 miles away

buying the same groceries as me same trinkets etc

Unfortunately this disorder, which is sort of a love/hate relationship with the self- becomes activated by your presence and stirs up many reactions to the anxiety. This anxiety needs to go somewhere, so "acting out" behaviors are necessary to bring them to the surface. That's where you become pulled in by fixing. The more you try to fix, the more it creates the need for fixing. I hope that makes sense.

Clinging/distancing behavior probably began before you knew it- and for the last five years you've wondered at times what the heck you are doing wrong. If you've come to the point now where you want to end it- then you have to stop the back and forth and put down a boundary of "the end."  

If he has become dangerous, then you need to be honest with yourself about that. If he is giving you the silent treatment, then you can move ahead with no contact. But No contact is your only salvation- your only way to manage the abuse.Your therapist is probably more worried about you getting harmed- than him.  You dont seem to be able to break away from an abusive man and instead are continually trying to manage his abuse.  That needs to be addressed.

Examples of clinging/distancing in your post:

he owed me i let him stay over clinging

but i knew i was going to end it the next morning distancing

he was a mess and to give him another chance and to help him with his issues clinging

i said i would give him 2 months distancing

one of my terms for reconciling was he had to stop going of with his friends living like a single guy clinging

hes off to poland with his friends distancing

i told him poland or me clinging

Betsy Boo, you could go on like this forever unless you stop and consider what it is that makes you think this isn't a disorder.  In therapy, this is called "Folie à deux" where one person who suffers from a disorder infects another- so that the other believes that two are stronger than one and they cannot fight the madness without each other's help. The person infected keeps returning to the person who infected them for answers to the why's of the disordered thought- and those answers are generally a part of the disordered psychosis, that which makes it more confusing and keeps you caught up in the web- none of this allows for free will or independent thought. The only way out of this is not to contact each other ever again.  Extricate yourself from the Web.  Your F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) will dissipate.

If you cannot do this for yourself, then do this for your daughter. :light:

thank you 2010 for your insite i do have a lot of my own childhood isues to deal with NPD father slightly NPD mother sufered years and years of violence during childhood although my father changed as he got older an admitted he was wrong and sorry i did think i could save him make him a better person i am older than him 8 years and he has the life of a bum i got him in college paid for some driving lessons but yet for this he seems to hate me he was addicted to coccaine for 9 years and i got him clean his friends so called use and abuse him and for this he seems to love them his family are great and hes the youngest of them but yet none of them see what i do they seem as a poor poor baby he is evil in its purest form sometimes but yet sometimes he can be amazing he will buy me anything diamond rings etc what i ask of him materially and some of my friends say god he loves you the way he looks at you he only has eyes for you and yes i do miss the him thats good and hate the him that is evil hes give me the silent treatment before and he has been violent but he didnt get far im a very tough cookie on that subject and a lot bigger than him he recently just started turning up at my house and my t thinks he will do this again he has made threats before like i will have to kill you if we split cos i couldnt stand the thought of you with someoneelse and you can never have no one else im his first ever girlfriend i suppose healthy people can spot red flags a mile of im getting healthy i no i worked with my doc for 5 years to get there and will work another 5 if i have to my doc is very experienced with treatment of BPD and she is very worried that he would become dangerous she says he new i was ending things he could sense me being distant thats what the tears and tantrums were about like i said he has give me the silent treatment before and its usually me who has initiated contact but this time im going nc for good but i think he nos this and so does my doc and she thinks he contact me this time as he uses me and im doing very well career wise what i am worried about is if he contacts me and im not strong enough i told my doc i would say ive met someone else she says that   would be like a red fleg to a bull is she right can BPD become dangerous he has played lots of games before gaslighting is his absolute favourite and he uses my kids they no what he is but they like me feel sorry for him am i in danger  x red-flag