BPDFamily.com

Detaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship  

In the most troubled relationships, it is not uncommon for a BPD partner to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no more to give.

This set of lessons is for detaching. When

• they leave you or you break up with them
• you decide not to recycle the relationship <read more about Relationship Recycling> (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)

This is the beginning of our lessons for members in a failed or failing relationship with a partner suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder often have a history of stormy dysfunctional relationships. These relationships are confusing and often cycle through stages from an initial idealization of you as a partner to a devaluation of you as a partner <read more about Idealization/Devaluation> (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm).  

Our members leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from emotional or verbal abuse. But most departing partners struggle to disengage because they are bonded to an unhealthy partner in an unhealthy way.

This board is for grieving the loss of the relationship, doing the postmortem to understand what really happened, and working to get in touch with our true feelings and the issues that lead us into the unhealthy bonding to begin with.

The workshops were developed over a few years, but the stories and advice are still very relevant. Take each section slowly, and really think about the questions that follow. Not everything will apply to your specific situation, but much of it should.

Our goal is to provide you with the tools and knowledge to begin to make changes in the only thing you can control - yourself... .

Lesson 1. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263) Healing, the big picture Lesson 2. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264) Understand your situation Lesson 3. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331265#msg1331265) Tools For Detaching and Grieving Lesson 4. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266) BPD Behaviors

Other References:
Who Should Post on this Board - Detaching (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332589.0)
Who Should Post on this Board - Learning (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0)

Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture  
 
Where are you going?  This is the road map.  Please refer back to it often.  It's important to see healing as a process and to constantly be marking your progress.  You need to know where you are going and the pathway there if you are ever going to reach healing. Without this, many just get stuck in a stage without realizing that it is a stage.

---

How grief passes through us: The Five Stages of Grieving
 
Denial- This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.
 
Anger- Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction. Anger is a very complex part of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).  We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison us.
 
Bargaining- Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.
 
Depression- After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We feel helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  This acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.
 
Acceptance- Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally finished sorting out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understanding our role / understanding their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward.  
 
Note: Each person mourns a loss differently.  You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes during the bargaining stages we recycle the relationship. Or an event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

---

Abandonment Cycle The Five Stages
 
If your relationship partner left you or if you left because you felt you had no choice, you will likely pass through an abandonment cycle.
 
Shattering - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.
 
Withdrawl – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.
 
Internalizing – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.
 
Anger – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.
 
Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

---

How we heal ourselves: The Five Stages of Detachment
 
Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. read more (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm)
 
Self-Inquiry - we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them. read more (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/02.htm)
 
Processing - become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.  read more (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/03.htm)
 
Creative Action - start something new with real enthusiasm for the doing of it, rather than out of the need to prove something. read more (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/04.htm)
 
Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. read more (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/05.htm)
 
Article on detachment process: Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm)
 
Member discussion of the Five Stages <click here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)>

---

Questions/Exercises:
 

• Post on the detaching/leaving board: What is your story?
   
  
• Post on the detaching/leaving board: Where are you in the grieving process?
   
  
• Post on the detaching/leaving board: What do you struggle with most?

Lesson 2: Understanding your situation  
 
Objective: To understand more relationship dynamics when the relationship is failing.
 
Disengaging can be difficult. Rationally, you understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies your struggle as you feel hopelessly trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship that you know isn't healthy
 
Directions: Work your way through the 10 most common misconceptions about a BPD breakup and see what you can do to overcome them.
 
10 Beliefs that can you get stuck
( pdf with full text (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf))
 

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1)   2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#2)   3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts.Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#3)   4) Belief that love can prevail Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.  For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#4)   5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be" The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.   BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too... Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#5)   6) Clinging to the words that were said We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions.  “But she said she would love me forever”   Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#6)   7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words... .   People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly. This implies... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#7)   8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us. During an actual breakup it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#8)   9) Belief that you need to stay to help them You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.  The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner – no matter how well intentioned.  Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#9)   10) Belief that they have seen the light Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away... .Read more (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#10)

Lesson 3: Tools  
 
How do you detach and process the pain?
Detaching can be difficult. Rationally, we understand that leaving is the healthiest thing we can do now, yet our emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies our struggle and we may feel trapped by our desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you - and our own fears.  Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger.
 
The tools listed below can help you break away from a partner with borderline personality disorder and they offers suggestions on how to make it easier on yourself and your partner.  There is no quick fix.  This is a painful process.
 
Typically a person healing from a painful loss will move through the detachment and grieving stages. Depending on where you are it pays to focus on particular aspects of your healing. To give two examples:
 
Example 1 (too fast): When you have just learned or decided that your relationship is failing you may be inclined to say: I may be sad (grieving: depression) and I need to do some something new (detachment: creative action). That can backfire later as you have not processed your pain and, even worse, may carry some rubbed off BPD behavior into new activities, which will perpetuate the pain.
 
Example 2 (too slow): You truly feel the anger. You ask yourself what is going on in myself? While these are natural and necessary steps - after a while you will turn in circles. It is time to move forward. You may be inclined to tell yourself not to look at your anger as a first step and then to get going once the anger subsides.  That it will backfire - try not to think of a pink elephant - what happens in your mind? To move forward you have to let go, look at the next stage and focus your mental and emotional resources to climb up this step.
 
Once in a while it is necessary to take a stop back, gain perspective and think. Where am I and how do I move forward? Writing on the board can play a critical role here as it can act as a log enabling you to reflect and also help others to provide some outside perspective to you.
 
The workshops and tools are grouped around the 5 stages of Detachment and Grieving. As there is some overlap between the two, we have also grouped the tools together accordingly.
 
Tools for acknowledgment of loss and overcoming denial
 
(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/dnr.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/dnr.png)
 
1.1 Exiting a BPD relationship
Overview of the process in the words of members including a good discussion of NC.
 |---> Read more: TOOLS: Exiting a BPD relationship [romantic partners] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0)
 
1.2 Understanding why breaking up is so difficult for you
Learn about the biology of breaking up and what works and what doesn't work.
 |---> Read more: PERSPECTIVES: The Biology of Breaking Up - why it hurts [romantic partners] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.0)
 
1.3 Painting our ex black - healthy idea?
It's very easy for a group of wounded people to get together on a message board and let the validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) overflow and not get down to the hard part of self discovery. We want to mindful everyday that we are here to heal - not hide from our pain and growth...
 |---> Read more: Painting our ex black - healthy idea?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149594.0)
 
1.4 Can we be friends despite the break-up?
A question everyone naturally asks. Break-ups hurt and we want to minimize the pain. Is staying in touch the solution?
 |---> Read more: Leaving and grieving/Being "friends" after a break-up (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67671.0) and US: Contact with our BPD after the breakup (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120426.0)
 
1.5 Let's come together - again - and again - and again... .
Relationships with a pwBPD can be turbulent. Other relationships can be turbulent too. Break-ups and make-ups are part of it. But when you truly want to detach this is not what you want. How do avoid ground-hog day?
 |---> Read more: US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)
 
1.6 Codependency is a disease of addiction
The preferred "drug of choice" is another person. Codependence is a tendency to behave in ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. This behavior may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control patterns.
 |---> Read more: Article: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)
 
Tools for dealing with anger
 
2.1 Angry, very angry?
When breaking up the pain is intense and your emotional temperature is at boiling level (cooking oil - not water). You sometimes don't recognize yourself anymore. So how can you overcome this roadblock to recovery?
 |---> Read more: Respecting our anger (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0)
 
2.2 Anger keeps us connected
The worst part of anger is - it keeps us connected when we desperately want to detach. Overcoming this roadblock requires a shift of thinking.
 |---> Read more: US: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head' (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.msg732928#msg732928)
 
2.3 Resentment and ruminations keep us stuck
Resentment is a mental process in which we repeatedly replay a feeling, and the events leading up to that feeling that angers us. With resentment, we re-experience and relive events in ways that affect us mentally, emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in destructive ways.
 |---> Read more: US: Has the anger gone too far [romantic partners]  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0)
 |---> Read more: US: Dealing with ruminations (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396)
 
Tools for self inquiry
 
3.1 It takes two to tango
The person with BPD made us mad. Everything is our partner's fault. But is it really? It takes two to tango and where did we enable the dysfunction, what do we own? Going down that road requires some distance but is essential to recovery and improving even beyond what we ever were. Let's be honest about ourselves.
 |---> Read more: Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0)
 |---> Read more: Don't let them control your life! [romantic partners] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135876.msg1326918#msg1326918)
 |---> Read more: The Three Faces of Victim - Lynne Forrest (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0)
 
3.2 Our emotional health
After riding the roller-coaster your emotional system is out of whack. Things don't feel normal anymore and you have lost a solid feeling what normal is. A therapist certainly can help here. Some tricks from the DBT toolbox can be beneficial too. Emotional balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.
 |---> Read more: TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)
 
3.3 Taking personal inventory
Thinking about yourself is hard and sometimes painful. But it is a necessary ingredient for growth. What was it in you that drew you into and kept you in this dysfunctional relationship? Who have you become after staying for so long? This is a process and takes time. Time away from "them". You are focusing 100% on yourself. Thus you have a protected and less noisy space on this board to do it.
Check out: Taking personal inventory (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0)
 
Tools for processing and getting through the struggle of bargaining
 
4.1 Did she really love me?
In the back of your mind despite all distance between you there is this question nagging. Did she love me? Could she have loved me at all? What is love anyways?
 |---> Read more: Caution may trigger. Reflect not react! US: Did she ever love me? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0)
 
4.2 Acceptance of your loss
How do you accept a loss of something that really defined your life? When do you know you are ready?
 |---> Read more: Acceptance - the final stage of grieving (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0#top)
 
4.3 In sickness and in health?
We are truly committed and are proud of it. We are resourceful. We can fix everything. Over time the situation changes and we change. How do we deal with it?
 |---> Read more: US: In sickness and in health? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106914.0)
 
Tools for dealing with depression
 
Depression often is temporary and will heal given time. However clinical depression is serious condition where professional help is need. If in any doubt please seek help to prevent escalation and speed up your healing. No advice below can substitute for an individual assessment and targeted treatment.
 
5.1 Are you depressed?
Failure of a relationship is pulling one down. It is normal to feel depressed for a while.  In addition being exposed for a long time to the extreme and unpredictable ups and downs of a BPD relationship is also disorienting. You may not be sure anymore how you feel at all.
 |---> Read more: Test: How are you really? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)
 
5.2 Taking care of the basics
We read it all the time - "take care of yourself"... .
We're told all the time - "take care of yourself"... .
No one ever tells us HOW!
 
Many of us are so trapped in the FOG of emotional blackmail, that we have no idea how to even begin to "take care of ourselves".
 |---> Read more: US: What does it mean to take care of yourself? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.msg1105451#msg1105451)
 
Tools for starting something new
 
6.1 Self respect
Our self respect, our self esteem and our belief in ourselves is slowly destroyed over time as we are exposed to the criticism and abuse of the pwBPD. The constant barrage of what we do wrong, how we aren't good enough, the listing of all of our faults and flaws - this toxic negative brew is bound to poison our sense of ourselves. The good news is: It can be changed... .
 |---> Read more: US: Self respect and our sense of ourselves (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121173.msg1194759#msg1194759)
 
6.2 Rebuilding our lives
You are ready to start out on something new. And new is not necessarily a new intimate relationship. Best would be starting small and working your way up. Rebuilding or maybe setting up for the first time a robust system of values and boundaries that protect you. So how do you do this? Frankly the Detaching board is the wrong place. Too much acute pain is here. What was helpful at the start to validate your situation and get better now may hold you back. It is now time to help out others in a similar situation.  Reach out to others on the board and support them as they start their journey.  Pass on the support you received here.  Continue to work on yourself while focusing on the Learning aspect of this board.  The relationship tools and skills we talk about here are helpful in any relationship and many of our members have improved the quality of all of their relationships through their use.
 |---> Read More: Library: Tools and skills workshop (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

 
Tools for acceptance and embracing the new situation and recognizing the freedom you gained
 
7.1 Your are entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches
I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches. A simple statement, yet for many who lived or were raised in a BPD environment, one that is hard to take to heart.
 |---> Read more: US: Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111984.msg1100946#msg1100946)
 
7.2 Are you ready for a new relationship?
Most people have two bottom-line fears when it comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the other or the fear of losing yourself respectively. These are deep fears that start in childhood and may continue throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully emotionally available in a relationship. These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection.
 |---> Read more: When are we ready to start a new relationship? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69783.0)
 
7.3 Where do you want to go now?
The world is a fantastic place to explore and enjoy. You have worked hard to rebuild your life. You are free to start or not start a new intimate relationship. The wisdom of the board has limits - you reached them. You may decide to slowly drop off the board - we are always glad when you come back once in a while to tell us how you are doing  :). You may decide to stay on the board and help others  |iiii . You may choose to decide to enable others to help others (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=treasury)  .

Lesson 4: BPD Behaviors  
 
Information about BPD and Tools to cope with it
 
On any hike it is important to know where you start and what the terrain looks like. Your understanding of BPD and its impact on you enables you to map out the path to your personal recovery. Without understanding what has happened, how you changed, and what you are dealing with, you are putting your head in the sand and risk a re-run.
 
Information about BPD
 
What is BPD and how does it affect a relationship? Understanding BPD, especially the emotional aspects of the disorder will help you make more sense of your situation.
 |---> BPD: What is it? How can I tell? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0)
 |---> Is it really BPD? Is there something else? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58157.0)
 |---> Workshop - BPD: Emotional Immaturity (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0)
 
Borderline is a perplexing illness and can have many faces. You may perceive your pwBPD as one of the following prototypes - but this is not a necessity for BPD to exist:
 |---> BPD: Understanding the Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0)
 
A pwBPD can sometimes form a semi-stable relationship with a narcissist (who may or may not be a pwBPD). Understanding the dynamics of such relationships can give you a valuable perspective of the emotional and not rational driven pwBPD behavior.
 |---> Read more: The Narcissistic and Borderline Couple - Joan Lachkar, Ph.D. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56788.0)
 
Recognizing and dealing with abusive behavior
 
You, as a person in close contact with a pwBPD, are likely having suffered some form of abuse. Physical abuse is easily recognized and understood by your environment - emotional abuse is often a blind spot. The victim is sometimes least able to recognize it as it has lost the sense of what is "normal". Such abuse can leave deep scars and without even knowing what you are dealing with - how can you tend your wounds?
 |---> Read more: TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [women] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0)
 |---> Read more: TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [men] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.msg586751)
 |---> Read more: US: Ragephobia - the fear of being raged upon  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=119083.0)
 |--->  BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330440.0)
 |---> Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0#lastPost)
 |---> Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Mirroring (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0)
 |---> Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)
 |---> Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0)
 |---> Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0)
 
Understand the role of sex in your BPD relationship
 
Love begets sex... .but sex does not beget love. It is not always easy to keep the two separate in ones mind. Sex (or the absence of it) is a big factor in an intimate BPD relationship. Over time it also can change dramatically. And far from being only sex, it can become a proxy for a lot of other aspects in the relationship.
 
When sexuality is used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed – poor choices are made. These relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, unhealthy boundaries, guilt and abuse.
 |---> Read more: When is good sex a bad thing? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136079.0)
 
Tools for coping and recovering from BPD behavior in your life
 
Healthy boundaries, and skills to protect them, are a hallmark of a healthy individual. While in a relationship with a pwBPD your boundaries have been overrun. Your natural skills to protect them may have been eroded. Lack of boundaries leaves you unnecessarily vulnerable and with a victim attitude with no defenses at all or very aggressive defenses on the surface as you know your core is totally defenseless. The good news is that explicit boundary skills can be learned. Once you got the hang of them you may be in better shape than ever before!
 
Setting boundaries:
 
Healthy boundaries and the skills to protect them are a hallmark of a healthy individual. While in a relationship with a pwBPD your boundaries have been overrun and your natural skills to protect them have eroded. That leaves you unnecessary vulnerable and can lead to
 

• either a victim attitude with no defenses at all or
• becoming a person with a very aggressive defense who lets nobody get close as you know your core is defenseless.

The good news is that explicit boundary skills can be learned and once you got the hang of it you may be in a better shape than ever before!
 |---> Boundaries: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)
 |---> Boundaries: Case studies (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=132527.0)
 |---> How to take a time out (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0)
 
Communication tools -  foundation:
 
Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) - in a nutshell - is speaking emotional truth, as perceived by the person who is validated. This helps any person to regulate their emotions. It is not just validating positive emotions. There are a whole range of negative emotions like sadness, fear, or jealousy that are common in a BPD relationship which need to be addressed in a validating straightforward manner. In a relationship with a pwBPD you may have learned to walk on eggshells and have given up on saying what you observe - being silent - giving up on natural validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation). Even if you are in no contact (NC) you want to improve validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) skills as it is one of the key tools to connect and re-build your support system. Understanding and voicing your own emotions (self validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)) is also critical for processing the pain of separation.
 |---> Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)
 
Invalidation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) in massive quantities can be some form of emotional abuse. It is also said that a relationships durability can be very well predicted observing the partners and measuring how often invalidating messages are sent vs. how often validating messages are sent. A person suffering from BPD is often very sensitive when it comes to invalidation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) and gets triggered by it. Towards the end of your relationship you likely have shifted your communication behavior towards the invalidating spectrum. Now it is time to reverse gears for good and learn how to avoid inadvertently hurting people:
 |---> TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0)
 
Communication tools - patterns:
 
The following are more communication strategies combining several techniques in one. Particularly SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) is a powerful universal tool that has wide applicability within and outside a BPD relationship.
 |---> Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0)
 
The following engagement tactics are generally helpful with pwBPD:
 |---> Arguing - don't engage (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0)
 |---> Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)
 |---> Workshop - Dealing with narcissists by reinforcing the positive (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120342.0)

Lesson 5: Share what you have learned with others  
 
Share what you have learned with others.  There is no better way to learn than to teach others.  This is often where bpdfamily members experience their greatest growth... .and pay it forward to others.
 
Here are some great places to share:
 
What Have You Learned?  
 |---> Share your thoughts here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138663.0)
 
How Have You Gained Control of Your Life?  
 |---> Share your story here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70626.0)
 
Most Frequently Asked Questions
 |---> Share what you have learned here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc)
 
bpdfamily Workshops
 |---> Share what you have learned here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=subject)
 
The Blog - this is often what the press reads
 |---> Share your insights here (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/)