BPDFamily.com

greetings dear friends,

looking back over the last 3 years i realize just how far i have come.

i had never heard of BPD.  i was told by a t that my daughter, then almost 11 years old had oppositional defiant disorder... .the therapy didn't work... .she was told not to come back until she was ready to be cooperative... .this set us on a course i still find hard to believe... .many times i found  myself thinking "is this MY life?"  confusion, pain, deep sorrow... .

the journey has been tough and painful... .thanks to all of you and the therapists, authors and my loving God i think i have achieved a level of radical acceptance and compassion.  i wonder sometimes if there is a higher level of excellence to achieve... .yet there must be for the journey goes on.

how have you grown and changed since your journey began?

lbjnltx

lbj - what a great topic. It is often hard for me to accept the progress I have made, especially the past 6 months in re-establishing a more healthy relationship with my DD, accepting that I am gd5's 'parent' - not just a grandma - for her lifetime, how grateful I am for my dh that I have learned to listen to and speak to in a way to has us working together on our plan for 'our girls' and our life together, appreciating that my work situation is a gift of respect, flexibility, understanding - so much more than the paycheck I was looking for, and all the love and support I have received from all the other parents in my life - here at bpdfamily.com, in my neighborhood, at my Al Anon group, in my family - that each models things that have helped me work my way along this perilous journey.

I was thinking on my way home from work today - I could be feeling really angry and unhappy because it was really a yucky day. Then I was imagining posting here and suddenly this sense of humor that is such a recent find took over my thinking, and I ended up feeling such gratitude for much in my life today. Grateful that the furnace in my office finally started working -15 minutes before I left after 4 hours. And the bldg managers had sent someone to check on me from a neighboring office after my call upon arrival with less than 50degrees and I had to hang up suddenly due to a coughing fit with my chest cold - this kind stranger brought me a space heater so i could get done what had to get done before I could leave work today. Awake coughing last night and worrying about DD and the bitter cold and not hearing from her since a hang-up call on Monday with refusal to do anything to better her housing situation - then my call/text on the way home from work where she agreed to go to meet with her case worker at mental health tomorrow morning with a goal to work on overcoming the obstacles to her assisted housing applications from her misdeanors and domestic violence over the past 3 years - YIPPEE!  And this morning a neighbor dad, that is usually very quiet at the bus stop, asking me about where I got my comment the day before about working with gd5 on the idea that to be a full part of the family, she had to be kind and respectful - even to the dog that knocks over her toys. And how time-out is for her to gain self-control so she can come back to participate in the family. AND I was able to, quickly, share about the past 18 months processes of radical acceptance, therapy, geez I don't even remember now but it sure made sense then. I absolutely amaze myself at what comes out of my mouth lately without my having to "filter" it all. And most of all it feels so good to be in a place to give back to other parents that are in various places on this journey of loving kids of all ages, abilities, and potentials. It makes it easier to not give up hope, keep working on my detachment skills, and taking care of myself so I can be there for the ones I love.

Got a little carried away here - but all things that were on my mind. Thanks for asking.

qcr  |iiii  

How far have I come?

Well, it's been a long journey thus far.  It started 24 years ago when my s was born, but the real hardship started 9 years ago when what we now know was BPD entered into our lives. 

It started as what was being called depression and a long, long slide down for the entire family; took 7 years to properly dx and by then there was so much bad going on that it was so very difficult to carry on some days.

My sons illness cost me my own health,  cost me my job, and almost cost me my marriage.  Somehow, through it all, even the worst times, I never gave up on my son, I may not have known the best way to help him, but I never lost hope that there would be a better tomorrow.

Finding bpdfamily.com has been a big help on my persoanl road to recovery.  There have been many books read and connections made that have helped me realize my role in the making of this situation and in the recovering of this situation.

At Christmas this year my DH gave me the most lovely card.  On the front it said "We are the Luckiest Couple" and went on inside to acknowledge that life comes with ups and downs and those of us who not only survive but thrive during hardship are special people. 

I agree with the card, we are lucky to have been trusted with this very special son and to have been able to not lose ourselves in the process of trying to get him help. 

Our house used to be filled with anger and now it is filled with laughter once again. 

The journey has been long, the road has had many an unexpected and winding turn, but we travelled it together and the turn up ahead looks bright and sunny.

My marriage is wonderful once again, I almost have my health back and my S... .he's mostly back too.

I guess I've come a lonng, long way and I am grateful.

pennifree 

we have come through almost two years of knowing something was seriously wrong... .better than a year having added ptsd to the initial rx of depression... .learned about suicide ideation, threats, attempts, self-injury, assaults against me, sexual promiscuity, lies, lies, and more lies for about a year... .less than half a year of learning about BPD... .recently facing seriously looking at mood dysregulation and bi-polar... .i've learned that it is beyond difficult to find help for a child with emotional and/or mental illness.  geez, now that i'm writing it all out i realize that i have learned a lot of bad $h!t   

on a brighter note, what i wanted to say after reading all of your posts is that, as someone just starting out on this rotten path... .  i have learned that there is still hope.  and i thank you all for teaching me that!   |iiii

dear qcarol,


it appears that you have found a new way of "being"... .much more than a new way of "doing"... .it is who you are.  :)


sounds like a pmi ... .positive mental attitude... .once again a way of "being"


it never ceases to amaze me how God takes care of us... .He sends people into our lives to help us on our journey. 

He sent me YOU!



lbjnltx

dear pennifree,


what a great testament to your love for your son... .hope born of love.


it takes a strong individual to affect change... .first we humans have to admit our mistakes (hard!) and then we have to do the work of changing (hard too!)


i agree... .you are special.  i don't know your dh... .but i like his thinking!


i like your pmi (positive mental attitude)... .it stands to reason that if the negative aspect of self fulfilling prophecy has power... then so does the positive!


  yeah!  laughter can heal.  lots of  lol ... .especially at ourselves is cathartic.

from your recent posts over the last months it sounds like your ds is in recovery.  i will pray for that to continue.



lbjnltx

dear llbee,


that you have come through 2 years is a testament to your personal strength.


yes, this is a big obstacle... .obstacles are to be overcome... .they are not the end.  don't give up... .find a way around them.


i understand how painful having this knowledge is... .i also realize that knowledge is power!


awesome!  one mission accomplished!  that is why i continue to post, talk about my personal transformation, and chronicle my daughters' rtc experience... .to let people know there is hope.  there is hope for them and for their BPD loved one.



lbjnltx

lbj,

Thanks so much for starting this thread and making such wonderful comments on the posts.  My DH is a pretty special guy indeed... .and I like how he thinks too!

S has been in recovery for a while now and recently he is actually acknowledging that he is working towards recovery.  I think recovery has stages much like grief does.  He is finally in the acceptance stage that is allowing him to get better.

It really is a testament to you that you can come up with not only a very thankful way of being in your own situation, but also helping the rest of us realize that there is much to be thankful for and much to hope for.

This world is full of angels who help us along our way in this life... .I consider you one of mine.

pennifree 

dear pennifree,

thank you for your kind words.  they mean so much to me... .they are the fuel that keeps the fire of hope burning within me.  

lbjnltx

Gosh! What a wonderful question.

I have come so far when I look and reflect back. When it was at its worst I was suicidal myself. I was so grief stricken by an out of control life... .an abusive alcoholic husband, a dysfunctional extended family and a daughter whom was out of control and so nasty, manipulative and telling the most unbelievable lies to anyone that knew me, all the while I was living my life with a pretend smile. I was so unhappy and confused. I had no idea my daughter was mentally ill. It was like it just sneaked up on me.

One day I just woke up and realized my life was %*#ked. I was a mess. But my daughter seemed to grow from my breakdown and gloat and draw strength from my demise. She drew attention to herself playing the victim and the suicide attempts started. She blamed me and her abusive life (there was no abuse to her). It was a very confusing time and SO HARD! But she had the attention because she had attempted suicide.

She chose to speak to my brother (the only family member I truly luv) and told her lies. He confronted me and it was devastating. Once mud is thrown it sticks. So I decided I would end my life as I saw no light at the end of my tunnel.

But my saviors came to my rescue. My best friends, my son and non BPD daughter. They dragged me up and made me help myself. I turned to God.

When my head was clear enough I realized my other daughter and my son needed me. As their dumb Father was a waste of space and I was all they had. I went to the Dr. and got on some medication and started to revalue my life. I got rid of my abusive, alcoholic husband and life improved immediately. I wiped my dysfunctional family. And talked to all my close friends and brother about my dd's mental illness and gave everyone information about BPD and opened up with what she was putting me through. I now realized I could live and if anyone questioned me about my dd and her accusations I could hold my head up as I have done my best. And if they could do a better job with her then they could deal with her. And as you all know it never lasted and guess who is still here... .ME and only me. All the rest had had enough and they are gone, long gone.

So yes, there are still days that I cry and feels like it's all too much but they are now few and far between. I'm here and my life is good. I live without dd and I can breath and have some time to myself and do what makes me happy. Spend time with my loved ones and have conversations not about my dd. But I'm still in my dd's life but at a distance. I'm still a work in progress and still trying to detach. So I have come some SO FAR! SO FAR and I would never want to go back.

So thank you for the question it really made me think and be proud of me and how far I've come. But all of us Mum's have come so far and this message board has been wonderful for us all.        peppie x

dear peppie,


this was an important day in your life.  the day you recognized it is your life and if it was going to get better it was your responsibility to make that happen.  i think most all of us here on this board have had this experience.  



from the research i have read, the biological component of BPD can be set off by a stressful/invalidating/unstable environment or like event.

if your d was raised in a home with an abusive alcoholic father (with a possible mental illness) there is good reason to believe it was the catalyst for her illness to surface. throw in unstable hormones and there you go! yet... .there is no way to know for sure.


so great that you have and had these people and your faith to help you!  


opening up about your d's mental illness takes a great deal of personal strength!  for me, keeping secrets only adds to the pain and fear.  so good for you!


aren't we all!  i believe that when God is done with me... .i have learned, grown, and served all i will... .He will bring me home to rest.  stay strong peppie... .the best is yet to come.

 

lbjnltx

Hello to all our BPD'S Families,

I read this thread days ago and had to think hard about this because I guess there is good news and bad news to all our dilemma's. It has been nine months now since my daughter has spoken to me after I tried to intervene, when she was physically and emotionally abusing our gs8. The same night she had the police remove my dh and myself from her home. That night I never even raised my voice to her only lifted my arms to protect my face as she smashed my reading glasses in my face. There were two occasions when she phoned to tell me how much she hated me and never wanted to see me again. The good side to the story is that we do get to see our gs often now, because dh and I approached her exh, to ask him to get us visitation rights, which he has managed to do. DD40 also hates her ex, but he was able to get visitations for us after giving her some ultimatums. This site has helped me to observe the NC, as I always wanted to go and make everything better, it has also recommened that we cannot tell her our worst fears about that we feel she may have BPD, and therefore DD has still not seen a therapist, has not been dx as yet, and her life continues to spiral out of control. Apparently she is very depressed, and she keeps getting tranquilizers from her Dr. which she throws up as soon as she takes alcohol, which is every day. As a mother and g/parent I worry and pray for them every day. Will she drive drunk with our gs in the car? will she pass out at home with her ciggarette and set the place on fire? Do we just have to wait for the worst to happen before we can take any action. By law we have no rights, so the situation is status quo. Hope we will be able to post better news soon. Love and prayers for all those that are struggling with this dreadful situation. |  

Puppet - this is such painful and scary situation for you and your dh. Having two grandkids that can no longer be with my DD I can so understand. I am grateful that the daddy is there for him, and that he has helped you get visitation. Your gs will benefit so much from having you guys as a loving force in his life as much as possible. It is up to the ex to monitor the situation and provide the protection of a safe situation for your gs. If he needs to get sole custody for awhile, would he be willing and able to pursue this - even as a temporary measure while you D is feeling so depressed.

I also know how hard it is to LET GO and maintain the NC. Being a part of an Al Anon Family Group in my town, with lots of other parents of adult kids in this group, has so helped me to stay focused on the 'detachment with love' path.

I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers - especially praying for your D to find a way to receive the Guidance that is there for her from her own higher power. Only she can choose the path she takes in her life - so sad when it impacts her child.

Take care, qcr  |iiii      

Hi QCR, Thank you for you love and concern. I am not sure how to cut and paste your question, however in answer to your question regarding dd exh getting custody for awhile he is out the country most of the time as he has investments in international ventures. However that was one of the ultimatums her gave her:- that she needed to go and see a T for her anger, and she was to let us see our ds- or else he would sue for custody of gs. Well she saw the T once and then stopped going, and she allows us to see gs, she will drop him off at the gate and give us a couple of hours then collects him. GS is very tight lipped about his home life, not sure if she has threatened him. DD also turned this whole situation around and accused us of trying to take her son away from her, and told these eneormous lies to everyone, how she had to go and fight for her son in court. When we speak to her ex he says he never went through with the threat as he would have difficulty in coming back here every few weeks to appear in court with the amount of tomes it gets postponed. Oh well we wait for more light and I am trusting and praying it will be better news for all of us this year.  lol Puppet

I believe that I have improved in taking care of myself.  I closed the loan accounts to my children, as they are high risks.  I have learned to validate more.  I know that I can't take care of everyone else. 

I know that I am a work in progress.  Sometimes, I catch myself slipping.  Like, oops, I just gave some advice, when I should have just been validating.  I have slipped into an argument or two with my dd.  The good news is that I realized, immediately, that I goofed.  I tell myself that I slipped, and time to get back up and do it right.

What really shocked me was when my dh agreed to go to T with me to learn about my dd. That was big!  However, he still tends to bend with the boundaries at times and will get in yelling match with my dd.  I remind him what the T said and will agree that he goofed, or thinks he has a handle on it.  Of course, I must understand that this was only one visit.  It took me a long time to start to get it.  I still have a ways to go when I see how strong others are.  However, I have confidence that I will get to where I need to be.

This site has helped me, tremendously!

 

peaceplease

greetings peaceplease,


i am assuming you mean this in a "fixing" way... .if so you are correct... .we don't have that power... .even in the lives of our precious children/adult children.



wonderful!  forgiving yourself and learning to do it differently!

if only our BPDchildren would do this for themselves... .that is a great lesson that you teach peaceplease... .if we don't give this gift to ourselves... .how can we expect our very challenged BPDchildren to do   it?


wow! that is big... .congrats to you both.  let the learning and healing begin... .now you have a partner to support and be supportive of on this part of your life journey... .


i have confidence that you will too!  if we all "strengthen our brother (sister) as we are strengthened" we can all get there. |iiii



lbjnltx

How far have you come?

Thank you for this thread lbjnltx because I think we can get so boggled down in the work of healing and our own expectations and not even notice what we have accomplished.  

Reading your post Puppet was a painful reminder of where I was one day with my BPDdd and I'm sorry that you and your family are going though this.  I am glad though that you can be there for your gs as it is so important for him to know your unconditional, healthy love. My gd is in her twenties now but when she was little and living with her BPDmother, I tried to spend as much time as I could with her.  I couldn't do much about her situation with her mom and all the different 'daddys' her mother brought into her life (almost a new one for every year of her life)but I could take her home with me on my days off from work and give her a normal life even if it was just a couple of days a week. When I saw how she would relax and just be a child again, I knew I was making a difference and although her life has not been easy, she has grown into a lovely young woman.

I started waking up about 24years ago when my marriage ended to my BPDH. That was my very lowest point and I've been slowly but steadily climbing out of the hole that my first taste of awareness left me in. It's been a very slow journey for me and most of the time I've been going it alone with only my faith and prayer keeping me going. Although I went to psych dr's and counseling, support groups for addictions etc, it's taken me 23 of those years to realize that I have family members who have BPD or some other PD and I have been affected by their behavior. All the drama, confusion, and pain now has a name and it's not so threatening and deniable that it's out in the open.

Looking back now I can see just how really bad it was with my BPDmother, alcoholic father, one sister with BPD and one drug addicted.  Then I married a pwBPD and he abused our dd's before I opened my eyes and ended the marriage.  Both my dd have BPDbehaviors and have lived their lives on the edge in constant chaos and have to this day refused any counseling or help with the issues of their past.  Then the grandchildren started arriving and although they are a blessing and comfort to me, just by being part of my very dysfunctional family added another dimension to the pain I had because I worried constantly for their safety and even today there are some issues that concern me.

It was finding my way to this board though that really made the big difference because not only did I find out what was happening all those years in my relationships, I began to realize how I was affected and how my part was making it worse.  I'm also learning what I can do to make it better with skills like validation, detachment, boundaries, different contact levels etc.  I've come a long way and I realize too that I still have a even longer way to go yet but that's alright because I know me and my family will be ok now.

I think I feel like my gd felt when she came to visit me so many years ago.  I'm relaxing now and learning how to enjoy being myself for the first time.

justhere

Hi Everybody,

Thought I'd let you know how far I have come. I checki in now and then to see how you are doing and read up on your situations. Our GD is now 17 and has been living with her father for six months. He is doing his best and she is still struggling with the same behaviors that prompted us to set a contract with her that eventually lead to her leaving the house to live with him.

We see them regularly, but aren’t nearly as involved as I imagined we would be.  The great thing is that now we are able to be with her in a different way. Now that we are not living with her it is much easier to let natural compassion flood into our hearts. While she was with us and so filled with anger and so focused on making our home a toxic place, it was often hard to see beyond the stealing and drugs and lies to the hurt and pain that informs her.

Now when we see her, it is easy to find some positive things to say, to be affectionate and to joke around. My SO and I are happier than we have ever been and feel like we are enjoying the honeymoon we never had. It is our first time living alone together. When I arrived she was 5, so it’s been 11 years.

I don’t know how much she is improving, but I know that our relationship with her is a million times better and we are now able to be sincere in our expressions of concern and love, where as before when our house was a war zone, it so often felt  like we were just surviving and going through the motions. We are able to help her with resources outside the house and she does not seem to resent it and she is not angry with us for moving her to her dad’s house. 

We really had to learn boundaries and we really had to allow her to experience consequences and now we need to move into the background.  The depression my SO and I were both feeling has vanished. Our lives are so much healthier. I couldn’t have done it without this place and the support of all of you.

Just wanted to let you know how far I’ve come and how much I appreciate all your help.

Gingerb

How far have I come?

I am a "newbie" on this site, so I am still taking baby steps compared to some of you. |iiii     BUT... .I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in the short months since I learned about BPD.  I was at a point where I couldn't quit crying just thinking of the devastating situation my uBPDdd 33 was in (drugs, jail, DUI, divorcing, homeless at that time) - and I was so enmeshed in her emotions that it felt like it was happening to me personally.  The number one growth factor for me was when my T told me she thought my daughter had most of the criteria for BPD.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head.  She told me about 2 of the books that are frequently mentioned on this site, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you, don't leave me".  After reading the books I found this site and started reading many of the posts.  I have only been a registered member for less than a month, but feel I have already come so far!  I know I have a long way to go, but I have already been able to start detaching and can  validate her feelings/situation without feeling guilty or obligated!  Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and the support you show each other... .this site is a God send!

I feel that I have come a long way on my journey of healing and have a long way to go.  Thanks to the board I started to read the recommended books on codependency.  I now know that I was so codependent that I was hurting my D and not assisting in her to obtain any healthy living skills. 

   Like many others it took over 9 years before the mental health establishment would acknowledge her correct diagnosis.   I have read enough posts to know that like others I have witnessed and lived through experiences that I never expected to have.    I am thankful for learning about boundaries and have tried to apply these on a regular basis.  I even applied mindfulness to parts of my life, so that I could slow down and enjoy things more.  I am able to love my D, even though I hate the illness.

   When I slip into old patterns I am able to recognize that.  That is a big step for me.  Before it was existing, trying to find some help for my D and numbing myself when needing to.

     I have learned that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes.  I also have learned that I have done some very good things. I am still working on how my childhood affected me: living with an abusive uBPD father. I have a long way to go on that one.

     Mainly I have learned to be more grateful for what I have.  I am glad that I have the chance to read the posts and find that there are many of us on journeys.

                       

 

   

dearest justhere,


this is the hardest part, accepting what you can not change and making a difference where you can... .we never know how much affect we can have... .great job justhere being there for you precious gd!


i believe in slow real progress... .even regression followed by progression... .why... .because it is real and lasting.  it is like a tree... .having the patience to wait for it to grow tall and strong... .you could get a fast growing tree... .however... .their life span is shorter! so glad you stayed the course and let your Heavenly Father lead the way... .and carry you when you needed Him.


yes!  we cannot change what we don't acknowledge as dr.phil says... .on that we agree!  great job owning your choices and realizing that you have them!  choices that is.


|iiii

 

lbjnltx

Gingerb - always good to hear from you and I am overjoyed at the discovery of your marriage and bye-bye to the depression for you and S/O. You went through such a tough time surviving for awhile. This gives me hope that my gd5's parents, by some miracle, may be more available to her when she is older. I can also relate to the improved relationship as my DD24 has made positive steps to be in a relationship with us over the past 6 months - I believe only by not having her in our home has this improvement happened - for all in the family.

I have found great solace in going back and re-reading many of the books that I first had exposure to a year ago when we had gotten past the initial couple months of pain after eviciting DD. Somehow being so immursed in my pain and loss of the mourning process much of these resources did not sink in. Luckily I had bent pages, put brigth green little stickers on some pages, etc. and now can go back and see that - why yes indeed I am finally starting to live some of these tools, skills, practices on a day-t0-day basis without having to constantly think about it. I have also been trying to use all the tools of validation, boundaries, detachment, quiet meditation & prayer daily in every aspect of my life and all my relationships at home and work. It has improved the quality of my life everywhere, and all this practice in less stressful environments has given me so much courage in doing it 'right' with DD more often than not. And as many of you have commented - I can forgive myself the errors and go back to try again.

Thanks to lbj for posting this thread and all your support of each of us, and thanks to all who have replied - this helps give me hope even on the darkest days.

qcr |iiii      

Thank you lbjnltx for your kind words.  It seems most of the time me and my family are being judged by the world's standards and then we all fail miserably.  I have to fight myself too from not giving in to it because I don't own a house, have nothing in the bank, no job (on disability), have no husband not even a good friendship right now, my health needs+++ attention and I'm getting older by the minute. I've worked hard too and given everything I've had over and over again and my dd's too have been fighting a battle all these years for this 'normal life' as well and we don't seem to get anywhere, not even make a dent.

Time too has it's own schedule and can't be forced into something set or arranged to our liking and I feel that we are just trying to get to normal or back to the beginning, the place that others take for granted.  The fact that we are still trying in spite of all the roadblocks and hardships and are finding our own ways through this, is the miracle. When I look at my dd's now at 38 and 40, and think back over all the years of problems and pain, I can see past all the chaos to these two beautiful people who I love and admire because they are fighting a battle for their lives not only from the world but themselves and I'm thankful I was able to be walk with them through this.

How do you explain or talk about how you feel though that what you are and have been doing is the most important work of your life?  All these things that we use to measure how good a life has been seem to be useless when you are dealing with BPD or other mental illness because the hard work/or good that is done mostly goes on quietly and unnoticed and the gains made are small and most of the time not even recognized because they don't seem that special or outstanding. It takes some very special people like you and the others here to see what are the important things in life and I thank this board for being here.

justhere

i think this goes back to what our values are... .what are our highest priorities... .

the "world" will judge whether or not we were "successful" according to our bank accounts or real estate holdings... .i am very careful to not compare myself to others.  as a Christian, i measure myself against Christ... .thereby having the highest level of virtues as an example to follow... .while fully knowing i will never achieve His perfection.

my BPD14 and i have had this discussion in family t over the phone... .having a well thought out list of priorities so that when we become overwhelmed and stressed we can easily remind ourselves what our priorities are and make a decision with clarity and less guilt or confusion.  for me, my first priority is God and His will and work for my life, then self... .so i can be healthy and strong to continue His work, then others... .whom He asks me to serve.

He tells me i am "in this world" but not "of this world".  i am an alien in a foreign land... .if  i stop feeling like an alien... .i better take a good hard look at what i am doing, thinking, and feeling.

lbjnltx

dear suchsadness,


|iiii  

this is awesome news!  your willingness to accept your dd as she is and detach in a healthy way does make the validating easier... .not to mention genuine! 

we are so glad you are here and i hope you will continue to learn, grow and pass it on!  we are all connected... .as my BPD14 would say :)

lbjnltx

dear tightrope walker,


this is some very hard work you have done and perhaps will continue to do... .the hardest work we will ever do is on ourselves! |iiii   i just beg of you not to condemn yourself for what you did in the past... .it is not nearly as important as what you will do today and in the future! 


yes!  i would often find myself thinking "is this MY life?", "is this My child this is happening too?"  radical acceptance set me free and enabled me to give her to God to shelter and protect... .because i sure couldn't!


this is HUGE!  love conquers all!


i understand what you are saying i believe.  now i live my life ON PURPOSE not just existing from one crisis to the next.


so glad you have a healthy perspective... .that can sometimes be difficult to hold onto during crisis periods... .keep working on it... you are worth it!


sounds like "Wise Mind" has been reached... .i will pray that you continue in this and grow into the best YOU you can be.

 

lbjnltx

Your BPD14 is blessed to have you as her mother lbjnltx because I can see the love, strength and commitment that you have for her in your posts.

Sometimes I regret not having the awareness I have now when my dd was 14 because I could of done so much more but I think too that life unfolds the way it needs to in spite of our interference.

I also feel that I'm in a different place then you and some of the posters with younger children who are diagnosed and in treatment etc but the other day when my dd came to visit me and I saw the fear on her face that tells me she is getting ready to 'run' again, I knew I'm still in the trenches fighting along with the rest of you... .  14 or 40, it's still BPD and it's still devastating for them and those of us that love them.

This is the way it goes with her... .just a continuous circle.  She gets in a relationship very quickly and it goes bad very quickly, there's the traumatic breakup and she goes back to reading her Bible and back to church until she evens herself out again and feels stronger and then it starts all over again.

I feel for her but I just can't get as emotionally involved about it anymore and now that the grandchildren are older they too seem to be able to adjust better or go live with their father if things get really bad.  What is so sad about it all it that my dd is really trying to do her best and all she wants is to find a loving relationship but even if she did, she wouldn't know what to do with it because she lives in a world of her own and not me nor a boyfriend nor even her children can go there at least for long.

I wonder how I got in this family or why I look at things differently or even that I see things that others don't seem to see and yes I've always felt like an outsider, that I don't belong but I'm slowly finding a kind of peace and acceptance with how things are.

justhere

dear justhere,


i think all of us moms feel that way... .through radical acceptance and relinquishing the idea that i have control over my world, i too now believe everything happens for a reason.


this is so sad.  what has happened with your d?


this is very very hopeful!  has she been in Christian counseling?


you have a great deal of compassion for your daughter and you seem to have understanding of her behaviors and desires... .that is what pwBPD want... .someone to truly understand them.  i wish that understanding = healing. :'(


God is using you sweet and precious lady... .He trusted you with these children that are His... .believing in you and knowing your tender heart. 

my journey has been short compared to many here... .yet God is using me, He is in control... .He knows what He is doing... .He is teaching me.  i have come to realize from reading posts on all the boards here that true compassion is a rare thing and i believe it is at the heart of conquering this illness called BPD.

take care precious lady, we need your help.



lbjnltx

lbjnltx quote:

"you have a great deal of compassion for your daughter and you seem to have understanding of her behaviors and desires... .that is what pwBPD want... .someone to truly understand them.  i wish that understanding = healing. :'("

Ahhhh - that understanding would = healing.  All these other things have to come inbetween these two - acceptance of reality is a big one on both sides - we parents and our kids wBPD. And those steps to accept and take actions that bring about change - little by little, day by day.

I tore an interesting article out of the newspaper yesterday that has made me really stop to think about the whole process of growth and healing I have been on this path for over 20 years - lots of therapy, reading, groups, ... .lots of insight into myself. Yet only in the past few months with the tools of Radical Acceptance, Mindfulness, Validation & Boundaries do I feel like I am in the place to be ready to take the actions needed to heal.

The article "Insight may not lead to happiness, Nonethelss, self-knowledge has its value" by Dr. Richard A. Friedman, The New York Times. Mon. 1/24/2011.

His point was that insight often seems to bring more pain, and there is not a therapist out there can can give you happiness. I really like the end of his article. "Perhaps happiness is a bit like self-esteem: You have to work for both"

So I will just keep working on turning my mind daily to being willing to participate fully in my life - just for the next moment. Then i will turn my mind again as it surely strays toward being willful again.

qcr

My dd 'ran' from an abusive marriage of less then a year to the person she is with now. This fellow has 3 children and with her 3, that makes 6 altogether. I think she thought she could just walk in and as long as she was being kind and loving to his children, she would be accepted. So far though they are rejecting her and everything she does and she is very unhappy and feels like his children are abusing her.  She says she still has a good relationship with the father but they are not able to stand together or agree on how they parent the children.

Of all the bf's my dd has had in the past I think that this one is the most normal and my grandchildren like him and want to live with him and they get along most of the time with the other children so that is a big plus but it is not going to be easy for my dd to adjust or to control her emotions.   

No lbjnltx, my dd has not been to any counseling but she will go to church and Bible classes and has a strong faith but she seems to have a block between what she believes and how she behave and she refuses to deal with her past at all. Sometimes I don't think she can see right from wrong nor can she see the negative in a situation or person. She does really well when she is on her own and starts getting her life together financially, emotionally, spiritually etc but she is a beautiful woman and before long someone is noticing. 

Sometimes I feel so inadequate as a parent in that I let them and God down in not protecting my children better or not being able to help them more but when I see and feel how much my children love me anyway, I know I'm in the right place. I guess it has been a long time for me and my heart goes out to you and others who are still have their pwBPD still living at home, it is a long lonely road. I remember feeling a way lot more stressed in the past though, so maybe it has gotten better or maybe I've been able to let it go better.  I don't know whether it's compassion or that I love my children unconditionally but the BPD has not beaten us and in some ways, our shared pain of the past and getting though it together, has strengthened our love for each other. 

The article qcarolr about whether having insight would bring happiness was interesting... The distress I felt from my own ruminations and confusion in my head kept me in a such a state of turmoil until I realized that it was my own thoughts that were causing me all the pain not the behavior of another person.   This insight helped me change my thoughts so the stress and pain lessened allowing me to feel happiness at least for the peace that I now have.

justhere

dear justhere,



getting to this point of realizing how much personal power and strength that you have was very painful... .this is the key to success i think... .if we look at people, even the abusive/mentally  ill in our lives through the eyes of love, only then can we be truly and constantly compassionate. 

this is what i mean when i say "compassion conquers BPD"... .it conquers the affects it has on us... .anger, fear, chaos, confusion.  the pain will remain on some level i think because we love them. radical acceptance provides the pathway to compassion for me. 

recently there was a discussion on this site about pwBPD needing compassion... .the responses were filled with anger... .understandably... .i believe that until we are able to let go of the anger we still have a lot of work to do on ourselves to be healthy.  i posted my beliefs, based on my personal journey and left the discussion... .realizing that others are not in the same place i am and their situations are different... .what concerns me is that these posters don't YET realize that anger cannot co exist with inner peace... .that some of them may believe that their anger is going to be ok to hold onto and at the same time call themselves whole.  i pray that they continue on their journeys and find inner peace and compassion. 

in a recent therapy session with my BPD14 and her ppc leader, nale, a statement was made: 


does compassion help/keep us from giving others permission to hurt us?

your thoughts... .

lbjnltx

I don't know if it's compassion that allows us to feel and react to the behavior of another in a certain way but maybe it's more the way we have learned to cope with the behavior. If we have come from a home with a parent who has a PD and have been trained and conditioned since day one to react in the best interest of another person and not acknowledge our own needs and wants, or use addictions and other harmful coping, we will will go about life just barely surviving and feeling like something is missing.

I responded to that thread as well and I can too can see where others have the anger and resentment and I do too especially when you are dealing with an ongoing source of abuse.  I think though you can have compassion at the same time because this is one of the reasons why we are here trying to make it better for us and our families. When we are abused we react to it by our feelings such as anger, resentment pain, shock maybe even denial etc but I agree, that we can get stuck in our feelings and not know how to find our way out and can hold on to them long after they are necessary for our safety. 

Finding that way out for me was three fold, realizing that what I was doing was not working and opening my mind up for new possibilities and awareness, learning new healthier coping, and learning how to forgive the tough stuff...   At first I couldn't even think the thought that I could forgive but I prayed about it even when I was so angry and in pain and thought that nothing would make a difference because I just didn't want to have those feelings anymore and I felt out of balance with life and my values. The past was long gone and I couldn't do anything about that but my emotions from what happened were wearing me down so I realized that if I was ever going to be truly happy, I had to find a way to let it go. 

Now I just have to learn how to deal with what is happening today and that for me is about staying aware that I have a choice to react differently in a healthier way and look after my own needs as well as the people I love. That in a way was finding the same time, concern and compassion for me that I have for others.

justhere

I came to this site last spring, in a desperate attempt to find some kind of help and support. I was at my wits end at that time, and just couldn't cope.  I had (and still do) read books about BPD.  I had done joint therapy with my BPDDD.  I had talked with family, and friends until even I was sick of hearing myself.  And then I found all of you.  Through reading your stories, I didn't feel so alone. Through the lessons, videos, etc. I found here, I learned validation and SET.  My husband and I were always a strong team and in this thing together, but now we read things and discussed them.  We got on the "same page" and set boundaries and together stuck to them and things have been so much better for my daughter, husband and I.  Because of my growth (with your help) through these past several months I know I am not alone, that I am (and always was) a good parent to my children and this crappy thing happened to us anyway.  We all still struggle and even though things are really good right now, I am no fool, I know they can and probably will turn bad again sometime, but I will do my best to handle it and take care of myself.  It feels good to look back and no that there is hope where there was hopelessness, sadness but with an better understanding about our struggles and even times of complete joy and happiness, and much love, support and a stronger faith.

Wow - interesting to read my own story from 4 years ago. A lot has happened since then - cycling up and down over and over with dd28, her daughter gd9 and my dh. I need to ponder on this a bit to put into words the good place I find myself most days, even with DD still immersed in her same cycling struggles.

How am I able to feel this compassion and unconditional love for her and keep honest with my personal boundaries with her?  I will be back.

qcr

Thanks for posting your thoughts here madmom.

You seem to have come a long way in a fairly short amount of time... .

Having knowledge of the disorder, positive actions to take, a strong faith and a team member (your husband) truly does help move us along the path towards acceptance.

I hope that you will continue your journey along side us here and be a source of strength to others... .pay it forward.  It really helped me to do this and in return I used my grief in a positive way while also honing my skills and better understanding myself and my own journey.



lbj

Thank you for the kind comments.  I truly do want to offer any help and/or support to any and everyone who is dealing with this awful BPD.  My journey may seem short here, but the truth is we have been dealing with this for more than ten years.  When I finally found this site, I had already read lots of books, done various counseling etc. What I liked and found most helpful here is the short,concise lessons.  For me they were so much easier to understand and put in practice, than reading a long book (and I am a librarian and like to read!) that it truly did make a huge impact on me in a short amount of time.  I also think that I and my husband were both ready to make some necessary changes at the same time and that made a huge difference also.  Anyway, for now all is well, and that is always a good thing.  I pray that all of us who are parents dealing with all the ups and downs of a BPD child will find some peace and happiness. 

I am back after pondering this for a few days. What keeps coming to mind is that my DD28's life is not all about me, how she impacts my life, how miserable my life is, what she needs to do differently to be what I believe is best for her... .

I have put a lot of effort into "letting go" of DD starting with Al Anon in late 2009. BPD was added to list of dx's in May 2009. I look back at all the information coming at me, and how I felt that I understood so much of it. The truth -  a level of co-dependence that I am just now able to 'label'. I can see how intense my denial of how I enabled her drug use and toxic r/s with guys -- all while thinking I was being supportive!

Being drawn back to a faith community was the real start of my healing early in 2011. My focus gradually shifted from what I could do to help DD to what I needed to do with myself so that I could be a healthy mom for her. I am in a new process of 'surrender'. I have to surrender any idea that I have power or control over DD first, then I can let go. Let go of the dependency based aspects of my relationship with her. Truly accept and believe that only Dd and God have control over the path of her life.

This is has allowed my coming to love her unconditionally - no matter what she does or who she is in the moment. To have awareness of this unconditional love, and how it is so different than my 'mother love' filled with expectations. Then comes being clear with myself and with her about my values and the boundaries that are in stone, unshakable. She is doing her best to respect those boundaries, asking for help instead of demanding and blaming. These two themes and how they developed for me are very intertwined. I could not say what came before, after or during the coming of the other.

The tools and skills here did help me get a start on looking at myself and how I was connected to DD, and she to me. What had the most impact was this wonderful, caring place to come share my whole story and be accepted, understood, welcomed back. And when I am gone for a little bit, I always get a message from someone gently asking how things are going.

There have been many that comment on my story, giving me credit for how I am coping. This always feels really uncomfortable, especially when I feel that my actions let people in my life down in some way. So it is important for me to share how much the support from bpdfamily has given me. A safe place to be me.

qcr |iiii

lbjnltx - thank you for bringing this thread back to the top. "How far have you come?"  not "How far has my pwBPD come?".