BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

I often read on the leaving board - "how" do we move past this? - well, let's all take a look at the myths and share.  I wrote much of this out on my own; but let's all share our experiences here.

Myth 1 - Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness  [Read original text here] (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1)

"Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special."

For me; completely true.  I was unemployed (layoff from downsizing), quickly going through my nest egg, had fractured my wrists and randomly dating people that I had no interest in pursuing a longer life with.  I was 2 years out of an 8 year relationship that I happened implode and dealing with my own guilt in T over that.  To say that I was ripe for the picking is a bit of an understatement.

When I met the BPD at that time, she reflected the very best of me.  She wanted a home, kids, thought I was brilliant and couldn't understand how I was not getting hired, brilliant herself but struggling.  I found her struggling gave me a sense of importance while I continued the job search.

Yes, Myth 1 was true for me - I put my entire happiness in this relationship because of where I was in my own life.

Anyone else do this?  

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More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm)

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140180.0)

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0)

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141354.0)

4) Belief that love can prevail (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141854.0)

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=142324.0)

6) Clinging to the words that were said  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154460)

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143873.0)

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144988.0)

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145967.0)

10) Belief that they have seen the light (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154341.0)

yes!

i was 7 or so years into a marriage that existed only because of an accidental pregnancy. we'd tried initially to make it work, but she was abusive, belittled me, made it clear she had no respect for me and felt she'd made a mistake. but we stayed together, because of the kids.

i was emotionally dead, desperate for affection, feeling like i was worthless, had been 10 years from the last time i felt loved in any way.

that was when she appeared, the BPD. she was beautiful, intelligent, and she just got me. she was married too, and told me it was also loveless, tho she had no kids it too, according to her, was a marriage of convenience and habit more than anything else.

she told me i was the only man she had ever loved, her best friend, her soulmate, the one she'd been waiting for her whole life to meet.

yes, she was *exactly* what i needed then, and so much more. i fell so hard for her.

the crazy thing was, after more than two years of an on-off affair she left me flat when i finally left my family - never wanted to see me again. then, six months later, when i was utterly broken again, she came back into my life - exactly the same again. she was my saviour for the *second time*. somehow i hadn't learned, but once again she was everything i could have wanted - she'd changed, she was leaving her husband, everything was going to be different. once again, she was the perfect person, and i fell even harder for her. then, just two months later... .

yes - the BPDs, more than anything, somehow manage to find us at our weakest. and, in lifting us from that darkest place, we cannot see anything else, having been so blinded by their incredible light. but the light is false.

Hi everyone!  Hi!

I have actually been in relationships with 2 different pwBPD. The first one was much lower functioning, and somewhat more abusive. We were together for approximately one year when I finally broke it off with her and moved 1100 miles away from her. She convinced me to come back one month later, then broke up with me 2 weeks later. I found out that she got back together with her ex from before me 1 week before I returned.

I identified with almost everything she projected onto me, convinced myself that the relationship was healthy and that she loved me. I think I did this because I didn't think I could do any better. I thought that her BPD behavior was really just part of the "give and take" of a healthy relationship, and that if I broke up with her, I would never find anyone else.

Fast forward a year and a half when I decided to try online dating. I was "matched" with pwBPD #2 on eharmony. I noticed some red-flag  immediately, but AGAIN ignored them. I also ignored my gut feeling for the second time. I only stuck this one out for 4 months, but for some reason the emotional pain this time around seems much worse that the break up with #1. I'm starting to think that I blocked much of it out the first time around. Maybe it was too painful then?

These two have been my only "long term" relationships. Sometimes I think I stuck both of them out because of self-criticism. Maybe I thought that each of these girls could not only make me happy but take away the pain from the loneliness I felt earlier in my life. Of course all they did was make me feel more lonely.

It sure would be nice to have a healthy relationship.

By the time, my marriage was in serious trouble, I had grown enough on a personal level to know that my happiness wasn't dependent on my H.  But looking back at what attracted me to my H in the first place, I can see that his unconditional love and accpetance was a major factor.  In the beginning, he put me on a pedestal.  I could do no wrong.  I was adored and valued for who I was and it didn't seem to be based on performance like my FOO.  As time went on, it seemed I could do no right.  Fortunately by then, my self-esteem and sense of self-worth was well-established and rooted in God's perception of me.  I came to realize that the purpose of marriage was not happiness (although certainly a significant part of a healthy marriage) but rather holiness.  I have worked hard at allowing these difficult years mold me into a better person. Someday I think I will be thanful for this season in my life but I'm not there yet  .

It is lonely now that I'm on my own (just recently been served divorce papers) but I don't pine away at losing my only chance at happiness. 

I was a widow, my husband been sick for years in and out of ccu. It is hard to watch someone you love die .Then he had a stroke and  died. All I did was work and come home and take care of things here. I was in a chat room in talk city just hanging out. Never dreamed I would meet anyone and he was so funny and smart. We chatted every night. Then we started calling . Within a few months I flew and met him. A few months later he moved here with me. I paid for everything, put him through his school and was happy to do it. He made me smile and laugh, I had not done that in a while. I thought he was the reason I had snapped out of years of depression. I think I would never been able to pull myself out of it. So even with this ending badly, I am not sorry it happened.

I think that within each of us there was something needy and it made us as vulnerable as a red apple on a tree, ripe for the picking. I think that I was, and probably still am to a degree, naive. He mirrored me and I know that now. We are trusting people, we wear our hearts on our sleeve. We give love as deeply as we expect to get it. When it isn't reciprocated in the same way, we get crushed. We feel what we give is a valuable thing and should be treasured forever. When it's discarded and trashed the hurt is astonishing. How could they do that so easily?

So incredibly true!

My marriage was a mess, it was getting borderline emotionally abusive and I was desperate for a kind word, and to feel appreciated by someone.

Vulnerable is just not a strong enough word to describe my emotional state at the time my pwBPD swooped in.

Add a few FOO (family of origin) issues and co-dependent tendencies and wham, I was the poster child for "likely to be wooed by a pwBPD."

(I shouldn't have worn the "pick me, pick me" t-shirt, should I?)

Interesting thread.

VanessaG

Great thread. Good stuff here. The meat of the disorder is right here... .Man, it is good to have some company on this journey.

Yes, I am still stuck in this... .

I'm told am an attractive guy, but I lack self confidence and have problems "picking up" girls... .

So right now the above coupled with the devaluation I feel from this break up are going to be really hard.

I have never fallen in love like this and feel like she is the only person I could possibly feel like this with.

And I truely am hollow and not enjoying life with out her right now... .

Definately vulnerable... .out of previous relationship with NPD for four years... .decided to take that much timeout to research what I had been involved with and heal. 8 mths previous father had died... .last parent and only one sibling left and we were estranged after having a very difficult time sorting out dad's stuff. xBPDgf was a refreshing change... .good fun... .similar background... .younger (which concerned me). But put on a pedestal straight away. I was concerned that I was just a bit of stuff to feed her ego... .she seemed to want to show me off... and I had a sense it made her feel better about herself. So took it slow. But she was full on, had two adorable kids... .and hear was the family I never had. A week before the split she said we're your family now.  Ummmm.

I note one of the poster's said their x pulled them out of depression.  This was also the case for me.

This was so true for me.  I was soo vulnerable when I met my BPD.  Our first 5 months together were amazing - it lifted me out of a daily routine and made me sincerely happy.  Of course, it began to fall apart 2 months after moving in together.  I did give love deeply and was exceedingly generous with him - fully supporting him and all of his "dreams" that never got off the ground.  In my world - all the thoughtful loving gestures should build love, trust, compassion, friendship - instead they just built entitlement.  I learned he will never be grateful and will barely reciprocate.  I was crushed to see that he never really cared for me, as a person, in a healthy way.

I was extremely vulnerable when I met my ex three years ago, I had a severe depression/anxiety problem due to my inability to deal with the rejection of my first break up (Although in retrospect, the girl actually dumped me the right way and respectfully at that - I just made it difficult cause I felt like a victim). I was having panic attacks and complete emotional meltdowns once or twice a day. I had gone to counseling and went on anti-depressants and anxiety medication, about three months after that break up I met my ex. She was the Waif type, so looking back she also seemed like a co-dependent and was very interested and seemed "empathetic" towards my problems when I met her. She was always there for me at the beginning of the relationship as she slowly sunk her hooks into me as she told me about her terrible life story and her broken family, she made me feel like the most important person on the planet, like a hero, and that built me up so high. My anxiety problem actually didn't get better with her, it was actually worse at times with her, it only went away when I was so emotionally drained from trying to make her happy (Impossible) that I couldn't feel ANYTHING anymore. I was so numbed and withdrawn from my emotions that I actually started to miss having depression and an anxiety disorder, I felt that anything was better than not ever knowing how I felt or thought about things and her. I often fantasized later in the relationship myself or her leaving the relationship, looking back it was my instincts telling me to get out and get out fast. But, like many others here, I just made excuses inside my head for her and told myself things would get better and that my relationship w/ her was worth putting up a fight for. Funny how after she broke up with me she, for the first time ever, complained about my issues and so on and so forth and tried making me feel bad for having an anxiety problem. I thought of all the times I tried to pick her up when she was down, give her rational advice to get herself out of dramatic situations, be there for her to talk to about what was going on at home - and I just got really sad, really sad that she dared blast me for having an anxiety problem when I had always been there for her.

I definitely believed #1.  That is why I kept letting her back in my life after the pain she caused.  Reflecting back our marriage was a mess from the beginning. I didn't try to start fixing it until year 6 (after the first affair).  It's funny reflecting back, cause exBPDw used to always say in the first few years how strong our marriage was and how we had go through more than most people go through in their lifetime and we had come out stronger.  I was very naive to believe this.  If I only knew that was just a foreshadowing of the chaos and pain to come... .

But I am glad to know now that my happiness doesn't depend on another person.  I look forward to not being codependent on her (still feel the tug some days).

Yes I too felt she held the key to my happiness.  I was 5 years out of a 25+ year relationship.  I had worked though that marital breakdown and was pretty happy with life.  Dating was getting a bit boring as I was anxious to meet someone for a committed relationship.  I did still hold onto some childhood abandonment issues where I always felt unworthy but my life was fairly good and happy. My BPD ex must have sensed that I was eager for a committed relationship and also maybe my self esteem issues although I never really spoke of them and for the 2 1/2 years we dated everything was wonderful.

Well mostly wonderful because I did break off our engagement once and we did part ways 3 times because she would start to pull away but each time she'd come back and say how much she needed me and how wonderful I was.  Oh and I got my first ever bout of shingles as well during this time because of the stress.

She did mirror everything I liked to do and wanted in a person.  Intimacy was great, she hung on my every word and wanted a sweatshirt of mine so she could sleep in it so she felt close to me.  Boy was I in 7th heaven.  She took up snowboarding and roller balding, riding mountain bikes, etc because these were things I liked to do

Hmmmm... .red flags; 3 splits because she would start to pull away when we’d start getting real close, a nasty bout of shingles... .and a friend telling me the easiest divorce is the one you never have to have.  I guess for me the idealization phase was the best time in my life and it is this phase that dominated my thoughts then and still do now and is likely what is making the NC so difficult. I subconsciously am always hoping we could get that back to the idealization phase but I understand now from this board that it could never come back no matter how badly I wanted it.  The devaluation and hate phases have dominated our relationship since getting married just under two years ago and she has left me 3 times in 22 months of marriage.  The first time she ignored me for 8 months right after being married, the second reconciliation only lasted a few months and the last reconciliation in August 2010 lasted until 1 month ago when again she told me she felt empty and hollow and I was stuck in the past focusing on the things she had done to me since being married. 

Funny how my struggle to resolve the significant hurt and pain was my fault and yet... .I’m still stuck focusing on the idealization phase.  Boy these BPD’s can really set their hooks deep into your soul.

Yep mine met me when I was down too. Just moved to Florida on promises of others after being hurt on the job.

FOO for sure, and I was living with my step mother working a part time job.

I had been single for a year and a half after a crappy break up. Was sick of dating and wanted to find my one. He messaged me on a dating site. Told me to call him. That was unusual. I did and here I sit two and a half years later.

I had gotten out of a 1.5 yr relationship with someone who became very controlling. I had never been in a relationship like that before, so when it got to the point where I didn't even like my controlling ex I ended the relationship. When I did, this huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I started to do all the things I had stopped doing because of school and the relationship. I started playing live shows again (I am a singer/songwriter) and was just loving life. :)

I met my BPD ex at work. We had chatted casually at work here and there. She came to one of my shows and after asked me out for a drink. That night we ended up chatting in my car until 5am. It was during this conversation that she confessed that she had been sexually abused by her dad as a child, but could not remember the abuse.red-flag . We started chatting on the phone more, and then after about a four week period we started dating. Just like everyone else my ex worshiped the ground I walked on.

Part 2:

The adulation that she showered me with was SOO over the top. Sometimes it made me feel uncomfortable. But after a while I craved it. I loved the fact that this beautiful woman loved me unconditionally. Our "Elationship" lasted about 12 months then things started to crumble. By month 14 she broke up with me because she felt like I was not committed enough to the relationship. To some extent she was right because I really just wanted to take things slowly. She was in a huge rush (she wanted me to move in with her and her two kids after three months). I was committed, I just wanted to take my time. We back together about 2 weeks later. Then that started the yearly break up/make up cycle. My ex would break up with me every spring. As soon as March rolled around I started to get nervous. In 6.5 years, my ex broke up with me 5 times. With the exception of this last time, we always got back together and restarted the cycle. I always felt like I was chasing the ghost of who she used to be at the beginning. I would see that girl every once in a while, but it became less and less as time progressed. I just could not picture my life without her (still can't). I was willing to do anything for this woman. I really believed she was my soul mate, the one if you will. The only reason why we did not recycle again this April was because she had someone else to run too. Now my supposed soul mate is engaged to her new soul mate (six weeks after we split). It hurts like no other pain I have ever experienced. She really got her hooks into my soul. I miss her so much, but it seems that all I can focus on is the beginning stages of the relationship, and often forget about the bad. How can I ever get over this?

I have no doubt in my mind today that the real reason I got involved with my ex was due to that she mirrored exactly what I felt I craved - to be loved unconditionally just for being me and not for what I achieved. I was a big red button waiting to be pushed by a clever BPD.

When I am in a dark mood, there are times when I feel that I am scarily like her in that I "used" her  just as she used me - we were both much too needy to be healthy.

I had a rough life of secrecy due to years of ongoing abuse in my past.  My abuse was/is very unique to me, and I have gone through numerous survivor boards and never really found another survivor who had a story that I could relate to.  My best friend sort of descries me as "the exception to every exception."  I have dissociative identity disorder, and so my secrets are/were essentially kept secret even from me.  In the situation I was in, it wasn't safe for me to know what was happening and start dealing with it.  My ex came along and read between the lines of what I was saying.  She got a general idea of what my story was and claimed to have a very similar story to mine.  Even stranger, she claimed that she had been abused by some of the same people I had, and that I didn't remember meeting her because of my dissociation.  I was desperately trying to fill in the blanks with my own story, and the more I talked to her, the more memories started becoming un-dissociated.  I was overwhelmed, dealing with memories and alters I never knew I had.  She started trying to "help" me fill in the blanks by telling me all this garbage about how she had looked out for me in the trauma setting and even saved my life multiple times.  It's very common for survivors of extreme trauma to ask the questions like "how did I survive this?"  She provided answers while I was too stressed out and busy to really do much.  There are not many therapists out there who specialize in the type of trauma I have or even really believe in it.  Pretty much everything I can get from a non-specializing therapist, I've already gotten.  She said that she was farther along in her healing (yeah right) than I was, and could support me through things.  I ended up having to deal with her panic attacks more than she ever really dealt with mine.  If I remembered my trauma in a way that didn't perfectly align with what she was processing, she'd tell me I was processing it wrong and would rage at me until I threw myself at her mercy and apologized until I hated myself and felt like worthless garbage for having even dared to THINK I could figure anything out for myself.  It was terrible, but because she seemed to understand a lot of things that no one else (including several therapists in the past) had really been able to understand, it was easier to accept her claims that she was my soul mate. 

If I hadn't believed this girl was my soul mate, I believe I would have broken up with her about three weeks into the relationship.  Instead, I stayed for almost a year.  I'm really not proud of this, but what's done is done.  It turned out that she had read a lot of posts I had written on other forums about my feelings, my values, what I want in a relationship, etc, and just copied them to look like the perfect romantic partner for me.  This ended up getting me after I had already decided NOT to date anymore for a while.  I'm still very unsure about having my reality understood or validated, but my best friend believes me and has told me that he can't be the only person alive aside from this borderline who ever will.  I'm working on processing my trauma in my own way enough that at the very least I'll have a coherent way to explain what happened to a new potential partner and then I'll be sure that if she doesn't believe me or understand, it's her inability to understand and not my inability to explain it or present it in the right way. 

Yes I was new to this city, healing from a horrible relationship in another city, taking care of my father who had Alzheimers' and only had another year to live. I guess you could say I was vulnerable NO SH  T!  She was fairly supportive throughmy father's decline and death, and then took off during the funeral and drove to Kansas from Texas to see her family, because I didn't need her.

That was my first indicator I should have known she could not be there for me emotionally and it would always be about her. So I will definitely be looking for red flags as I date.

And that is exactly how I feel about dating right now that I don't want to give that part of me to anyone but me. I am afraid of getting hurt, and I am not sure how to be involved casually except to just be friends. There must be something of how they mirrored us that allowed to give so much of ourself away.

I was four years out of a twenty seven year marriage. Although I had dated there was nothing serious on my horizon due to my walls being up and a very busy life working, college and a full house.

My pwNPD came out of the past... a boyfriend from college that I broke up with due to some red-flag 's and my insecurities. He came on strong and although I was uncomfortable with the attention... .it was also intoxicating. I thought given time and bonding the infatuation would fade and he would stop lavishing the praise and adoration; we would build a relationship less on fantasy and more on reality. I was seeking unconditional love and realize now my expectations were of a child and he was seeking constant reassurance and adoration.

What I didn't realize is my health began to fail, his insidious comments were toxic to me, his mask began to slip and the person underneath the mask was an angry, sarcastic, mean spirited person. I was in shock. He began to show his true colors to me as he was seducing another.

What I was totally unprepared for was my response when he dumped me, vile, mean, hateful and spiteful. His nastiness opened up the parts of me I thought were healed in T, boy was I mistaken.

What I have come to realize however is just as he was "off", so was I. Any person would be shocked at being devalued, abused and discarded as I was but my continued emotional pain and thinking it was somehow my fault was the problem. Understanding his disorder was helpful to help me clear out the

Today, 2.5 years out, I am the happiest I have ever been because I have cleared out those  my-issues from FOO and life events that have harmed me. Even though our break up was a nightmare, in many ways it was an event that forced me to look at the problems that plagued me, low self esteem, not listening to my needs, co-dependency, and self doubts.

Sometimes, I want to write him or the new object a thank you letter.

C

Just responding to SpiralThorns' amazing post from last August.  That was an incredible thing to read -- that her BPD partner looked at her online posts on various boards to figure out who she was and what she hoped for/wanted, and then made herself into that.  And then invented a story about how she had actually rescued ST during past trauma that ST was unable to remember.

That is obviously an extreme experience, but what an amazing demonstration of mirroring.  I think probably that each of us experienced this to the degree our own individual situations allowed and necessitated.

In my case, I'd been alone for 5 years after the end of an emotionally & physically abusive r/s.  I was happy by myself (told my BPDexbf that I was "the happiest person I know" -- just happy not being undermined and sabotaged all the time, happy to be able to work and be fully myself in the world.  But there was certainly a submerged longing to be cherished, valued & cared for.  I had consciously dispensed with that hope, but I was incredibly responsive to the prospect of it once offered.  He must have sensed that.

Early on, I told him I was scared.  Scared to move from my situation of being happy just with myself, to a place where I needed someone else to be happy.  He said that made him hold his breath with worry that I might go away & not proceed with a r/s with him.  Of course, I immediately reassured him that I trusted him so much that I would take the leap.  After all, it was the most amazing love ever ... .

The collapse and heartbreak just a couple months later are told elsewhere.

Truly this is making me do some serious self examination.

Myth 1 - Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

I didn't really want to admit some of this to myself.  I need to break this down into 2 time periods.  The first is when we initially became friends.  The second is when I moved back here and had to move in with her.

1st phase- I was new to this area so I didn't have many friends.  I had just started a new, very stressful job as a teacher in the inner city.  She was like a mentor as she had a lot of experience and she courted me strongly at work and calling me at home.  She praised my teaching abilities and made me feel like a star.  She would tell me how to handle things that were difficult.  I began to rely very heavily on her.  She always told me how I was special and talented etc.  I desperately needed to hear these things as that was not my experience growing up. 

Then I was her "best friend" and I was "such a great help" to her.  I was the only one that she would tell things too.  I knew her secrets and no one else did.  She would rage for me about my families abuse of me.  She carried anger over it that I no longer had.  I actually found this rather off.  She said that she understood me so well.  Not true!

2nd phase  I came back to this town that I had escaped due to a bad confluence of things including illness that I needed to heal from.  She wanted me to come back so badly.  She said that I could stay at her house. I needed the help as I was coming back from living in another country to a recession and no job at first.  She kept me from the streets.  Oh but the price.  She has a 2 bedroom condo but I had no space of my own.  I slept on a pad on the floor that I had to move to different parts of the apartment depending on her needs.  I was under all her weird rules that changed every other day.  But she still said all those nice things.

The transition from my having a very uncomfortable feeling about what it would mean to live with her to the daily abuses by the ended were all allowed because she held the key to the roof over my head when I was not yet able to fend for myself.   And because she told me that I was special.

  That's what I feel like right now.

Back when I first learned about BPD, this was one of the first articles I read, and it sent chills through me. I couldn't believe it. It hurt. What do you mean I'm not that special? He said I was! (Occasionally). And he was the most amazing person, the one that I wanted to spend my life with, the one my world revolved around. Wasn't the feeling mutual?  It just had to be!

Slowing realizing that the above quote is true- damn, that hurt. It tooks weeks or months for it to set in, and for me to accept it.

------

Was I ripe for the picking?  I don't know. He definitely fulfilled a lot of my wants and needs-- but I don't think I 'overlooked' things originally because of them. My pwBPD didn't have any red flags (note: okay, before we even went on our first date, I knew he had been divorced twice, which I immediately saw as a red flag, but I decided that I wouldn't judge him because of that, and I would give him a chance. I thought it would be unfair and I might miss out on a good guy if I rejected him solely on that info.)

Yes, I was lonely. Same story as others. Recently divorced, new to town, and tired of watching the paint dry on my walls. But I had dated others, and while they were 'stable', they just weren't good matches for me. I'm in a small town where no one shares my interests and tastes. I was content, but yearned for more. I was bored, and I did feel unloved and stuck. I missed love. I missed having a special someone.

And then pwBPD came along- and drop everything! He was all that and a bag of chips. I mean, who WOULDN'T get hooked? Good looking, kind, generous, funny and witty, highly intelligent, soft spoken. I'm not a gold digger but he drove a nice car, had an awesome job, was well respected in the community. And the sparks- oh, was the chemistry divine! This was a love like no other, we understood each other (ha!), and it was like something out of the freaking movies like the Princess Bride. There should have been background music and gorgeous sunsets.

And that's what hooked me, and did make me feel like he held the key to my happiness. Suddenly having a gorgeous best friend who sent me flowers, promised me world travels, took me out to fine restaurants, helped my kids with their homework, took me to his cabin in the woods, would drop money on me on a whim... .Hell, I was a single mother on food stamps. I could barely afford gas. And he was amazed by my intelligence, always charmed by me, and was proud of me (I thought).  

For the first 4 months, we had zero problems. Then the breakups. Then, over the years, the bad behavior and mind games kicked in. The isolation. The lies. Manipulation. Accusations. Emotional affairs. Lack of respect. Hatred.  But yet, I still hung on... .because I couldn't give up the 70% awesomeness and perfection that came with the 30% bullsh!t. I didn't know anything about BPD or any other pd. I just figured if we could just work out this problem, or that problem, or deal with A, B, C... .life would be perfect. And the mountains we had should have been merely anthills- but yet would never get resolved.

I just always thought I was one counseling session away from Happily Ever After.

That about sums it up.  I thought that too but never quite heard it put so plainly.

-GM

I questioned it all along... .first of all I already know that only I hold the key to my own happiness and I am happy. I wasn't happy or myself when I was with him. Let me rephrase, I was intrigued and flattered about his intense interest in me during the honeymoon stage, but at the same time a big part of me knew he was full of bs. He had a lot of what felt like 'scripted' lines that he'd say to me that I just didn't trust. Even little things like, "you have the most beautiful eyes". Why did I stay? Actually, we barely saw each  other! Looking back, there was only a couple of full months we saw each other on a regular basis because he was just about to take a job that would have him traveling weeks at a time! And I always thought? "Is this all there is? what am I doing with this? We don't even see each other often"... .I could tell that he just NEEDED to be with someone, practically any one would do he wanted SOMEONE to come home to, that sort of thing.   

Anyway, the point is, it wasn't my 'dream' r/s from the beginning, I thought I could keep things light and fun, but it was polar opposite. I'm out and relieved! I used to say, I'd much rather be alone (not in a r/s with anyone) than be with him. He used to say, he'd rather be with his dog than with me! So, obviously we weren't the key to either of our happiness'! lol

That was it for me as well.  I was going through a divorce with my first d BPD w (yes, I have had two).

My stbx BPDw, told me she could tell I was hurting, and just wanted to be a friend to me.

It sounds and looks, even to me, really strange, but she moved in with me a week after I met her.  I didn't ask her to, she just spent the night one night, and just never left.  Looking back, it is weird beyond belief that I acted the way I did in letting her get so close to me so fast.

She was too good to be true.

She was (and still is) incredibly beautiful, and can pass for twenty years under her age, any way you look at her.

She was incredibly sexual, like nothing I had ever seen outside of  porn films.

She was easy to talk to and was just like me (I didn't know about the mirroring thing back then).

So, in my darkest days, a beautiful porn star, with a heart of gold, who is just like me, shows up and wants to be my special friend.  Somehow, I fell for that.  :)

Looking at what you wrote it's doesn't seem hard to believe that the person "holds a key to our happiness".  Do you still feel the same?

At the time? Absolutely.  I believed with all my being that she held the key to my happiness.  I know better now.

Of all the 10 myths - this is the one that can still sneak up on me.  It wasn't the hardest to "get" during the angry phase, but once the dust settles and life moves forward... .it is the plans that were made that are the hardest to let go.

My goals in life were real and moving forward alone on them looks quite different than how I imagined when I met my BPD.  Waiting to meet another is my happiness dependent upon another, so the choice is to keep moving forward, keep accepting life might look different and keep finding things to be grateful for - there are those moments that still creep up where I miss my ex and this is the myth that lingers.

Yes, here is another who was ripe for the picking.  I was 17 years into a marriage that had in reality died after 2.  My then-husband was transgendered, and what he presented as something minor and fun (liking to dress up occasionally during sex and getting in touch with his feminine side) turned out to be much more than that.  I did not want to be physically intimate with him after about 2 years into our marriage.  We went to counseling, and eventually just kind of stopped.  We always agreed that we wanted to keep the marriage and not cheat, and if we met someone would consider an open relationship. 

Enter BPD through an online game.  We fell in love online, with me telling my husband as soon as I realized it.  With his OK my BPD and I met (we lived 1,000 miles away from each other) and let me tell you, sex with a gorgeous young man 19 years my junior after 15 years of celibacy was amazing. The emails we wrote back and forth were the stuff of great romantic legend.  He moved in in six months, and for four years I totally supported him.  He didn't even get a job and racked up lots of medical expenses.  Of course, it all fell apart--but my god, did I think I finally, truly, had found the fairy tale.  Makes me so sad to think about it.  Even a couple weeks before I broke up he was saying "You're my happy ending" (with violence, choking, and 16 infidelities in between.)

I'll bite at the bump.

I think this is why I am still in pain. 

As this is about my 2nd or 3rd time around on the PD-mobile, not to mention therapy and endless hours of pouring over information about BPD and NPD, I know all of the red flags. I knew it was unhealthy from the get-go.  I had a lot of guilt and shame from my relationship before that.  My self-confidence was down - she left me for a... . well someone totally the opposite of me.   I did some pretty terrible things when I found out like break into her email.

But then Miss NPD walked into my life... . we had amazing adventures together, we loved and complimented each others' taste in music; both of our biggest passions. She hadn't been dating anyone. I hadn't either.  We both were looking for someone to have a relationship with. We both had similar health issues, particularly one very important one that needs to match up (or the other person needs to be ok with and often isn't). We both loved space and stargazing. She was really attractive but not in a "I'm a model" way so much as a "I've matured really well and have a very pretty 'girl next door'" thing going on.  She laughed at my jokes and seemed genuinely interested in me. Quirky.  Intelligent. I saw soulmate potential.

What's a red flag or two, right?  So she doesn't really ask anything about me, that's ok I love to open up and tell her anyway even if she doesn't reciprocate.  She objectifies everyone?  Surely not me, I'm special and so authentic!  A little hard drug use here and there?  Ain't nothin' too bad - she has it under control and was honest about it.   Hell, she finds me attractive!

 

Now that I'm out of it I realize I stuck around because it was the best I thought I could do.  I thought I deserved the emotional abuse because of my own behaviors that were less than desirable. 

Green Mango, thanks for bumping this. I was pondering this very issue today. My ex sent me an out of the blue email 2-1/2 weeks ago. He hedged by including me in a group email, but sent it out on the one year anniversary of the day he left our workplace (which began the end of the relationship). This was 2 weeks earlier than really necessary, and I believe something he felt he needed to do on that date specifically. He began the communication "if you are receiving this email... . " which was really only necessary for my benefit, not anyone else's. Getting the email hit me like an electric shock and it took literally an hour for me to calm down enough to respond. My reply, just to him, was friendly but distant. He replied 3 minutes later, gushing about how he is grateful for my friendship, and for my willingness to be the "lifeline of strength" for him. Whatever that means. I saw that as an attempt to bait me, and left it alone.

But, I began thinking about him again, a lot. it made me happy that he reached out, and although I had no intention of initiating anything, I was happily anticipating more communication from him.

Then today a disaster occurred to someone we know in common. I forwarded to him an email I had sent out to others. He replied several hours later, in a friendly, but distant way. And this upset me.

I had to ask myself why I was disappointed in his response. It was perfectly appropriate, and mirrored the email I had sent to him. I am still expecting him to come running back to me, begging for another chance, even though I know his narcissism will prevent him from doing that. I am still under the false belief that he holds my future happiness.

I do understand that no one holds the key to our happiness. I understood this throughout our 11 year relationship. I don’t feel that I relied on her to make me whole and happy. You can still end up stuck in an abusive relationship and not hold the idea or feeling  that someone hold the key to your happiness.

What keeps me stuck now is that when my stbxw left she took the life I helped her build along with her. I enjoyed the life we built together and miss it greatly.

Our land in the mountains, cabin (I helped build), loft in the city, our life’s dreams, the dog! she took it all and ran off with another man.

I’m having an easier time letting go of her than the life she ripped out from underneath me. I’m now left alone and experiencing the reality that someone sure can temporarily hold the key to our unhappiness.

Mutt, thank you for bumping this thread on a long holiday weekend that signifies the end of summer.  That in itself makes me sad, but reading these posts once more boosts my spirits that I am on the right path :)

What a tough one to deal with. Everything I worked for for 28 years was for her. Now she's gone into crazy BPD land and I'm stranded not even knowing who I am anymore. But I'm trying. This site is great. But it's such a struggle to regain a sense of identity once you've mistakenly been the caregiver for so long.

WOW... .this is EXACTLY my story!

I too stayed longer than I should because of the idea that the perfect good times outweighed the really bad times. I stayed longer than I should clinging on to the hope things would get back to 'normal'. In hindsight: it was actually never 'normal', always chaotic, impulsive, too high, too low.

Before we became a couple he was my best friend.

We had a similar sense of humour. We were always laughing together. The conversation was never boring. After I developed feelings for him I kept them to myself for a long time, because I thought I wasn't his type romantically. The other people he dated were nothing like me. (They were also nothing like each other - looking back, I don't think he even has preferences, he will date anyone who shows him affection.) We got together when we stayed over at a mutual friend's house and had to share a bed. Not long after, the idealisation began. He told me that he loved me but had always felt I was way out of his league. He told me that he'd been stupid to think he'd ever had a good and safe and loving relationship before me. He made me feel as though I had made his world whole, and because of this, I began to reorganise my world around him. It was like a drug - the feeling of being so precious and so wanted. When the mood swings and the black-and-white behaviour and the manipulation kicked in, it was like a heroin addict being forced to go cold-turkey: I would do whatever I could to get back to the idealisation, not because I'm some bighead who wants to be praised and flattered all the time, but because slowly but surely my self-worth had crumbled and I relied on him for any confidence I had. I also wanted to believe that the compliments he paid me were real, that he genuinely saw these qualities in me. It was very painful to realise that these are no doubt things he says to any new partner, and maybe he wasn't really seeing me at all. His very unstable sense of personal identity was what clued me into the fact that what he said could easily be the whim of the moment, but what really drove it home was that horrible day when he invited me for what I thought was a nice lunch together because I'd been having a rough few weeks and it turned out to be a business-style meeting to tell me he'd replaced me with his flatmate. He said in that meeting, "Try and be brave. I have to be brave. It's not easy for me to try a new relationship," and I flashed back to the beginning of our relationship - he had said the exact same thing to me. He had presented himself as this shy, fragile, and vulnerable person who had been badly damaged by his exes and was in need of my love. I knew that this was what my replacement was getting, and that maybe she, like me, would be drawn in by the idea that she held the key to his happiness, that she could help him in a way no one else had. That treatment was what made me feel so unique. But it turned out I was just one in a line.