BPDFamily.com

Not only are we having to recover from the psychological torture which these people subjected us to; dealing with the heartache of breaking up; dealing with the smear campaigns; but then we have to deal with the fact that they've moved on to someone else in a matter of days/weeks, and they make sure our noses are rubbed in it. All of this because we showed them nothing but support, love and affection, and they moved on as though we were something they'd sooner avoid stepping in.

And then there's friends and family who can't understand why we can't just put it all behind us and just move on. So even our emotional support is severely limited because we fear opening our mouths in case people don't want to hear about it. 

What a nightmare.

I agree, Dragonheart... .what a nightmare. This is a case of emotional whiplash. I use to kind of envy folks who live in denial and can detach while I take and internalize too many things. But the denial and detachment they bring to the table is soul destroying for a relationship, especially a marriage, which is supposed to be based on love and respect. I still don't understand how someone can just shut off... .but BPD is an ataachment disorder. How much was the switch turned on, really.

I do not consider that my exhusband had anything resembling real love for me, rather it was all about how I made him feel and very little about my needs in the relationship. Upon second thought, the ability toward living in denial and and easily detaching is not so enviable, is it? It's just very shallow living.

You are not alone in processingbeing the brunt of this inhuman behavior; we were all left stunned, rubbing our necks, muttering, 'what just happened'?

Hang in there DH, this too shall pass!

Look.

These people NEVER move on. They ALWAYS think of you. They will NEVER forget you. This is demonstrated by a lot of facts.

They want to make sure they're doing great without you - why is this important if they don't care about you? Why this need to let you know?

Most of them recycle. And even those who don't are shattered when it turns out you don't like them anymore - not exactly moving on.

They hate their ex's - hate? Really? To you that's a sign of moving on? Not to me. Hate is emotion. They're full of emotions towards us. Hell it's far easier to turn hate into love than indifference.

They have the same relationship over and over again, they just replace people and are hurt by all of them. Their hurt never goes away - that is not moving on.

Seriously. If there's anything a pwBPD does not do, it's moving on. But you can.

Wise words, young Padawan. I like it |iiii

Alex,

I think we would all kind of secretly appreciate if we were able to haunt them in this way; at least to have made some impression on them. The lack of object constancy seems would be a blessing of sorts; once we are out of the picture for them, it is a matter of out of-sight-out-of mind. Maybe "moving on" is not the correct term---more akin to a scratch in a long playing vinyl record that skips and plays the same snatch of lyrics, over and over. Of those who relentlessly move from relationship to relationship why wouldn't we then just become a blur of many faces hardly remembered?

Once the history has been rewritten to fit all the justifications and rationales in their minds, don't they just disregard us in the same way they disregard the many ways they hurt us?

I agree, the opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference. No contact and blindsided abandonment feels like indifference... .at least to me.

I can't agree with you on this one Alex. They seem to move on so so nicely... .

If they thought about us then why do we get the silent treatment, why are we so punished if they in fact care about us?

My ex hasn't bragged at all about his new love. In fact he kept her hidden and never spoke about her at all. He has not bragged at all about his new life. He is just silent and I am not allowed to contact him. I will never know why. He is normally such a bragger.

They dissociate too. Mine said she cried for a day or two and then she felt nothing. She sounded like she knew that such a response was abnormal but she couldn't help it.

They have no empathy as well. My ex couldn't figure out why I was upset that she ended our 5 year relationship. When her roommate found out how long we were dating she said "you were with him that long? No wonder he is upset!" Kind of like "What the hell is wrong with you? How are you not upset?"

If their emotions were constant, then yes, they could miss you. But they're not.

Not sure what to believe on this issue... .   ?

Thank you for this, even if only for the sentiment. To agree with it requires quite a bit of abstraction/distancing, but even to think that "they have the same relationship over and over again" could be a consolation of sorts if we look at it a little askance.

For my wife there'd been a pattern for the last 15 years, and she stayed true to form this time as well. She's left one boyfriend for his brother, then one boyfriend for his best friend, then me for my old boss. One thing is certain... .when she moved on she really moved on. My wife was still calling me/talking to me every day while we were separated and trying to work things out, all while seeing my old boss without telling me. I only found out because her daughter told me six months later. At this point, it's a bit of a moot point whether she was "ever thinking of me." Not sure how that would work, or if I'd want to know.

LW

i am also confused on this post -  do the think about us ?  Sounds like yes and no. Do they move on probably so- do they want us back-  I think so- but it is us nons that no have the power and can not allow them back-  no matter if the ywant us or not- 

and in my opionion-  yes they think about us- They are human - not machines- last I checked us humans do not have a redo or erase button

DragonHeart

Sometimes when I think about what my exBPDgf did to me I get angry with myself for letting the sht happen! I knew a lot of the things she was doing and saying were F'ed up and not right! Like you I stayed b/c of love for her and her children. Her 2 little girls called me daddy for over 6 yrs. Her oldest was diagnosed with a brain tumor when I tried to leave the relationship at one point. She slyly kept me around... .she knew how I felt about her kids. At the same time the smear had started and hadn't quit over a year later... .after I caught her with the guy responsible for her kids father being incarcerated and for her losing 1350$ in child support and after I had to put a restraining order on her that was upheld by a judge at the return hearing. My favorite part was her contacting me and not understanding why we couldnt be friends... .no wait was it when she told my neighbor she had to get me help (head doctor... .she convinced me I had BPD... .projection)... .or was it the text msgs asking me how to dose benedryl in her 11 yo daughter (3 months after I caught her w/the new guy)! She was trying to get to me and my emotions using her kids. I love those children WAY to much to let her use them as pawns with/against me.

They dont forget you! If they know where you are and what you are doing and when they can contact you... .then they have you right where they want you. My exBPDgf knows where I am (i left the town we lived in), what I am doing and when I will be finished. She also knows when the restrraining order is up... .Jan 1 2012. She has me where she wants me. See they spin a web that gets larger as they get older. Right now I sit on the "outer edges" of her web. As each day goes by and Jan 1 gets closer I get closer to the middle of her web. She will be ready for a new "feed!" They move us in and out and back and forth as they need us as a "feed supply" to justify their existence.

Don't give up or in... .but be aware of your surroundings and keep yourself protected.

God Bless

Jerry G

FYI I was told by him that when he left the first two weeks were hell for him.  Then he felt better.

I was asked to be friends and when I eventually agreed this was the best thing for both of us, I was no longer needed as a friend.

He is always one step away from where I am.

Does he think about me?  My ego wants him to because at times I hurt and want him to hurt too.

Do I think he hurts like me?  No - I am so black right now he thinks Im the worst thing that has ever "happened" to him.

He is in damage mode trying to redeem/maintain his reputation because I am the second wife he has left and painted black.

I know it doesnt matter but I would like for some day to realise how devoted and in love I was with him.

Moot point really because what I loved wasnt real.  If he does reach this stage he will be craving something that was fake - I know it was fake - what he would miss would be what I was trying so hard to deal with when we were together.  I could only truly love him and trust him if he were a different person.

If he changed, could I love him?

If we're remembered it's only as an object, so not much there. Like the stereo system I gave my wife early in the relationship, a Bang & Olufsen. I woke up one night to see her trashing it because she couldn't operate the buttons. What a waste, and I'm pretty sure she's never thought of that again. I've been told she recently did this to her brand new laptop too, and her only friend got her a replacement. If anything, I'm inclined to say that the replacement obviates the need for any remembrance (read "responsibility?", so that if we were (uncomfortably) close to them we're an unpleasant memory better paved over.

LW

I was in her bed only 6 months ago still tal,king about a future together, I'm doing pretty well now, but she is pregnant now from a guy she just met, calls me weather or not she should she keep the baby (?) and than mails me yesterday: "it's the man that makes a woman", wauw!

Folks, lets look at this logically.

We all agree that the speed they move on we can not grasp, that reason is because what we felt for them, and how emotionally involved we were. To us our love was a real soul love so the hurt we feel is because we are in a way mourning a loss.

Now , them moving on... If you know there history you will see the pattern of how quick they moved on, its clouded to you whilst in the r/s because all there ex's are painted black and you feel sorry for your partner being treated like that by others. What we do not do is read between the lines and see the pattern of there history.

So the truth you already know its just we do not apply logical thinking at the time

At the end, you see how quick they move on, it hurts because you were told you were the one, but the only one you are is another person to join the list, others have been where you are now. What happened with your ex moving on so quick is not unique.

Touching on what dragon said re family and friends... They dont understand, they can not understand, the only way they would is if they had experienced it themselves or take time to understand the disorder like we have.

I gave in with my family and handled it with my T, sure they supported me and cared and were worried and i have even argued sometimes with them over it.

Speaking of Haunting,

Last night was a wake-up-call of a very eerie and haunting sort, and it applies directly to our subject of whether they remember us.

We hadn't had any contact for a while, then my wife called with her latest crisis. Late into the evening she called again and was further inebriated. She started to say things like, "Why did you leave me? You were supposed to be the one who didn't leave." Before I could respond, she said, "Why did you die? Why did you leave me?" I just sat there dumbstruck and waited for more. She was having a conversation with her former boyfriend who'd killed himself when she'd called the police on him years ago, and she was blending(?) me with him. One thing seems certain... .she certainly remembers him, is maybe even haunted by him, and it could be from the trauma of it (she was there), by guilt over her part in it, or a combination. Very strange. I don't know whether I'm anything like he was, whether she's had these "conversations" before and with others, but she certainly remembers him.

LW

Wow, LW, indeed a haunting.  This conversation you had with her really points up the fact that they are reliving the past, with people from the past coming to life in you---you are the person from the past, brought back to 'life' in their minds, in the present. I always wondered whose voice was the "witch" my exH relived when he would quote back to me things he accused me of saying to him.  What apparition from the past was he channeling?  What you relate here is very unnerving to say the least but is indicative of a state of mind that is... .what? Demonic-like?

From my worldview, this is an explanation I cannot seem to move off of.  A big part of me cannot write these behaviors off as stemming merely from past abuse.

I was horrifically abused as a child, but I have not relived them with people in the present, I have been scarred by abuse for sure, but I have a responsibility to learn from these things, not wallow in the past pain of holding onto grudges.

Wow (again), LW, you just might want to let the answering machine pick up these late night visitations, huh?

Apparently she's got the new guy confused with me...

Is it normal for them to mould a person like that? This poor guy didn't even get a honeymoon phase it seems. She sort of continues her relationship with me (and everyone before me I'm guessing) through him.

Well CNB,

Re: the "demonic-like" aspect, what to say? Were you to ask her best friend who claims to be her soul-mate and lover from a past life, she believes my wife has someone else living inside her. But a psychiatrist would call it MPD or at least very high on the DID scale. A minister might call it possession. She is highly dissociative when drinking, which is where her BPD really shines, and she has all the symptoms in spades which puts her on the DID continuum. One minute you're talking to an angry teenager, the next to a helpless five-year-old.

Re: worldviews, I am amenable to all. Although I've never had the visions of William Blake or Joan of Arc, neither do I have the wherewithal to discredit them, any more than I can discredit the "pantheistic" and spirit-filled paradigm of a shaman, the astral travel of a yogi, or the sighting of a UFO observer. But neither can I any longer distinguish matter and spirit, in spite of my rigorous seminary training. If you really want to be challenged, have you ever heard of IADC? Some say the explanation is in a distinct "spiritual" plane, others that the brain is enough to explain the phenomena, but I ask, "What's the difference?" And what matters to everyone is the relief that Vietnam Vets are finally getting:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EoN4EcjpxE

The home-site is

www.healingafterthewar.org/index.html

for anyone wanting more information.

Re: my answering machine, I'm also screening calls from producers of the Jerry Springer Show.

LW

I agree with Alex here, at least in my case. Yes they move on quickly, no doubt about that. I am still 'friends' with mine. Friends with boundaries, and nothing more than friends. I don't take any of the old crap from him anymore and he knows it. I know that he doesn't love me like before and I'm positive he has a new relationship. But for some odd reason he feels the need to have me hanging around. We've both made it clear to each other there will never be a 'love' attachment between us as it was before, that's not going to happen.

Sometime I feel as if I was a 'habit' of his, and he still needs the communication, which is always neutral. We never speak about feelings anymore, we've talked that out long ago. I could walk away from him in a heartbeat now if I had to. I am not emotionally chained to him anymore. I went through the acceptance phase. I just really believe that all exBPDs DO remember, DO think of us. It may be in a totally different way, but it's there.

Well, his "thinking of me" got him a divorce... .I have no doubt that if/when he thinks of me, it's in a "totally different way" . Yup.

The fact that I now am realizing that I had a BPD mom doesn't help things either. It is a total mind f*uck

it happened out of nowhere, we were about to buy a house together

He dumps me 3 weeks later is with a mutual friend

He calls begging me back while he is still hooking up with her.

I find out he is BPD

I find out my mom is a BPD

I end up going no contact with him and her

SHOOT ME! PLEASE!

It's not soul shattering. It's just pathetic.

Yes, mine remembered me in a different way, that's true. But for the last 8 months, and even now, that way still changes even from day to day. And while it does I'm remembering more things that were so off while we were together, let alone the things that have been contradictory since then. I think some of the confusion about their state of mind has to do with where they were and where we are. For my wife, and in spite of all the pain and confusion, she's lived so long with this that she's accepted her ways; if there's any remorse or regret, it's of a sort that I cannot identify with. She owns her BPD like she owns her alcoholism, with a can-do attitude, "I'm strong, I can handle it." As for where I am, I've had to move from seeing her as a victim of BPD, to seeing myself as one, and to seeing myself as not a victim by leaving off any feigned reconciliation of what happened with why it happened. The only thing that I think could have helped me to transition more easily and quickly is humor. If I could have laughed more at the ludicrousness and absurdity of it all I would have been better served than I was by trying to understand her from my perspective.

LW

I believe BPD has no sense of emotional context. The disorder is reactionary and its catalyst is fear.

A Firefighter may recollect a particular means he/she used in some past fire but the fire in front of him/her is the only thing that matters.

Overwhelming fear does not allow pondering, wishing, or emotional fairy tales. It controls every waking moment. It allows only what may mitigate the fear and if it doesn't then it must go.

It is unfair to us and the BPD sufferer to overlay our understanding of emotional context upon the disordered personality. They are two completely different languages.

I agree with this.

I came to this conclusion,

I did all i could i believe for the ex , she was loved, she was cared for, she was supported when she needed me to be there... .if that was not enough and the grass is greener elsewhere then so be it.

My words of marriage were true,never deviated from that, they were not said in the moment, they were truly meant.

If there is one thing i hope and wish for my ex its this... .she never says words of love and gives hope for future happiness to another if they are not truly meant and waste precious years of anothers life because they believe her.

Moving on... .its what WE need to do

Its done , its dusted , the past is the past

And i have said on this forum before so many times... .BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES, BE PROUD OF THE LOVE YOU FELT FOR THEM, IT WAS REAL, IT WILL ALWAYS BE REAL... .DO NOT EVER BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THAT... EVER

Love ya all folks

Just a little input from my NPD.  He stated maybe after a month after I started going with him.--  Once I decide to leave a relationship- it's final and I never go back- never and I don't even remember it.  That should have been a warning for me at that very momemnt.  --but I decided to marry him and now after 7 1 /2 years we are divorcing.  I don't think they really care about you, unless it didn't work out with the new person they found.  He also told me he can't be without a relationship!

It's very unlikely that these people will ever change and it's much easier for them to start with somebody new again.  It's what they know how to do best and much easier then looking at themselves!

Here here.

You have no idea how badly I want to believe this.  Its the thinking that he has completely erased me from his life and his mind that hurts me the most; like I never existed.  But this I DO know about him - he holds grudges.  For years.  He will probably keep something that reminds him of me in his house forever.  He will show it to the next girl and tell her how awful I was.  She will be glad to have him to herself until she realizes that she is not perfect either, and he never lets go of anything.

Commiserating with your plight, snuckers.  By far the hardest thing to accept is being deemed persona non grata with these folks---through no fault of our own.   It is a hallmark of a disorded heart to have this unnatural trait; the ability to inflict their worst fear, abandonment, unto those they claim to love and made vows to.  A pretty serious fear reaction, wouldn't you say?

I think Cameron put it right, here:

"I believe BPD has no sense of emotional context. The disorder is reactionary and its catalyst is fear."

The catalyst is FEAR... .and this has nothing to do with who we are but what they fear.

CNB - you are so right. 

I only discovered BPD last week; AFTER he had already broken off contact with me, for no real good reason.  Once I read Walking On Eggshells it all made so much more sense to me. 

But still, he consciously chose to stop communicating with me, because we got into a little argument?  Because he asked me what I was feeling so I told him?  Because I went out for a few hours with his (female) cousin without asking him first and he supposedly had plans for us (which he hadn't told me about)?

No - because his FEAR is so heightened, and his need to avoid conflict is so severe, and his ABANDONMENT issues are so deep-rooted. 

That's what I am trying to convince myself of, although it doesn't make it hurt any less.  Right now I feel like I am never going to get over this.  It feels like betrayal.

Normally, we would consider this a betrayal but in BPD land it's their self preservation kicking in.   Your love did exactly the same thing my uBPDXH did to me, just because I spoke straight to him as one would an adult so, he now has to run and hide; cutting off all communication.  Its like punishment for proximity. We got too close and we know too much and the fear grips the heart of our disordered PD love.  Fight or flight response on overdrive.

Are you thinking of letting him go?  Or are you thinking of ways to re-engage him?

I don't think you really can re-engage them TBH.

No effing way... .you are painted black.  Anything you do will just irritate the situation.  You can speak the sweetest Shakespeare and all they'll hear is criticism and engulfment.  They are emotional babies, everything has to be on their terms, their way, even if they're the biggest babies if you go NC for 30 mins when they're trying to engage... even after a stupid argument.  Hypocrites.  Just let them come back to you, if they are, but don't wait up for them, they keep grudges.

Again, they are triggering and in emotional pain, even if the way they handle it is destructive to you.  I really wish we could follow Alex's lead and fight fire with fire, but you have to try to feel sorry for them.  They feel that they're in emotional danger, and the things that they would do in similar situations, they fear you will do them... stalking, obsessive calling... .sleeping around... etc... etc.  They need distance from the fallout until they feel safe.  You all are so right with self pres.

You can try to re-engage but it is an exersize in futility, unless they see themselves as culpable for their behaviors.  I have read your posts Snucker, welcome here btw, and I see the BPD trait of the all-or-nothing, black or white thinking you are having to deal with.   Coupled with his determined pushing away, resulting in your abandonment, I'd say you got off---somewhat fortunate. You don't have too much time invested in the r/s and your heart seems to be detaching as you see that, for your own sanity, you cannot want to re-engage him.  Good on you. Please keep posting, it helps.  And, best wishes to you as you disengage and move forward. You deserve to be loved---remember that... .and I will too!   Peace.

CNB

It doesn't look like I have a choice in the matter.  I know for my own mental health I have to let him go.  My heart doesn't give up that easily though.  

On one hand I want to go to his house and yell and scream about how much he has hurt me.  On the other I want to write him an email assuring him that we can get through this and that our relationship is worth the effort and the time (although his actions tell me he doesn't feel the same way).  I know that neither will do any good right now.

I've transitioned in his mind from "all good" to "all bad", that I am pretty sure of.  Its just very hard to accept.

I honestly think it helps when we do the same, transition them to something other than what they used to be... .'all good', to what they really were and drop the past illusions.

seriously doubt my exgf thinks of me... .no remorse... no regret... no apology... no empathy... lies,cheating,sexting,verbal and emotional abuse... 4 years and i was discarded and replaced witbin the week... worst still she is 45 so youd think she couldve been an adult and breakup like one without all th bs

she always said when shes done shes done no going back... been nc 12months

she changed contact details after rec hate mail over cheating good for me that way no temptation to break nc

sad these peeps ... .you love em with all you got and its never truely reciprocated or worth anything other than supply

I think it boils down to them getting there needs meet... If there needs are getting meet by the replacement your forgotten... .3 years down the road maybe she has a void in her life and your one of the many exes she tries to reconnect with... .

My replacement has no needs other than sex and ex is a pro ( no pun intended :-)  ) ... he doesnt need a housewife can afford a maid if he bothers to maintain a tidy home and apparently not cause ex says not all homes are like mine he is just as untidy as her... he doesnt need financial assistnace has loads $$$ so paying bills is effortless and plenty to spare to shower the ex with adoration which he has done from day one ... so ill be forgotten for eternity.

sounds like freedom to me

Freedom of porn style sex 24/7 in exchange for adoration what could go wrong