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I was just curious whether others have experienced with their past BPD relationships.  After 8 years with my stbx gf, I look back at how absolutely messy and disorganized her and her kids (now both 18) live.  I am not talking about a few things out of place here and there.  I am talking about white sinks turning brown because she is not willing to rinse out the sink.  Dishes piled high to the point of tipping over with food particles dangling off.  Oil stains and dripping on the stove for days at a time.  Clothes on the floor constantly... .beds hardly ever made.  I can't recall one time she did the laundry or the dishes.  I live with trash spilling out of the cans and no one bothering to pick it up... .coke cans just thrown into the front yard rather than put away... And dont get me started on the bathroom... .The only time she ever cleaned was when her company was coming over and then we were expected to all work until things were spotless.  Otherwise, I live in an absolute war zone.  Almost all of my free time was spent cleaning, despite being the primary bread-winner... .and if I ever made a comment, her and the kids would say "you're ocd".  I dont ask that the dishes be in the exact center of the cupboard or colors be coordinated... .but I do draw the line to living in a such an evironment.  And I did try the old adage of don't clean after them and they will do it themselves... .needless to say that was an interesting month long experiment... .all to no avail.

Anyone else have a similar problem?  Still counting the days to freedom... .

Mine wasn't that dirty, but I do remember a blatant disregard for things.   He and his kids would waste food.  That really bugged me. 

Yard tools & mower being left out in the rain to rust, etc.  Alot of things were thrown away from being neglected, and then replaced with new ones.  The funny thing is... .I would soon learn that I was easily discarded and replaceable too.

He did have this weird thing with styrofoam cup refills from the corner store.  The first time I ever went to visit him, he had about 50 of them in his bedroom, it was gross.  I remember persuading him to choose one and throw the rest away, lol.  He sure did like those refills from the corner store.  I got more than a few of those dumped on me too when he would get mad.  Oh the memories... .

So to answer your question, he was not a clean freak, but he was not filthy either.   

Absolutely! Mine is a hoarder,& her house is full of so much ___ it's unbelievable. At first I found the 'decor' interesting, but after a while I just found it added to her chaos. Things never able to be found, dishes always feeling greasy even after they're washed, the balcony covered in her dogs dried diahorrea, the fridge shelf always falling & things spilling.

She would scream in anger about it, curse that her life wasn't easy. But I'd think, so clean up! It's not rocket science is it.

She loves the chaos, it's such a great distraction afterall, isn't  it.

I

I have wondered about this as well. My friend also lives in some sort of chaos. Clothes everywhere and I doesn’t even want to think of the dishes… The whole sink can be filled with dirty plates, mugs etc. that have stood there for to many days. I’m not a pedantic person but I do not wait to clean up so the leftovers are able to become like concrete on the plates…

Sometimes she will clean her apartment (often just before someone is coming for a visit) and then it will take a whole day, instead of doing small cleaning every now and then. So yes, I have experienced this and I still do so.

hi steve and warmly

*welcome*

the land of no filthiness, it really sounded as you were guideing an excursion around my dxBPDxgf who

didn´t touch the pills of dishes until they erruded like pyramids and in the "badtroom" there was this

war going on between ants,fleeeeeas, silver-fish and bugs, look under lup it was just like "starwars"

their homes just reflects their dirty minds, sort of trash-projection. I always showered coming home.  

wl

You have got to be kidding me.  Mine too with the darn cups.  Thank goodness that he quit drinking coffee.

Mine was a hoarder.  Bought things that he would never use because they were on sale.  I still have his bed and two recliners (one he bought and left here even after he did not live here anymore)!  He would love to come and get the bed so that I would have to buy a new one, but he has no place to put them.

actually, mine was the total opposite.

obsessively cleaned, bordering on OCD like behavior. would come to my place and clean. cleaned her place. cleaned when she was stressed. cleaned at night. always cleaning. when we'd go to a friends house, she'd start cleaning their place.

given the mess she left, i find this pretty ironic now.

acyually it is rather caring to throw sf mugs on you instead of china, sdaved you a lot of bruishies

right ? kind of sweet ... .lol

wl

This was my ex too. He would line up the towels in the bathroom after each use, and would get upset with me when I wouldn't.   At first I did it a bit to please him, but then it became ridiculous and I stopped. Then he'd get upset with me and tell me that "once we are married this is something we will have to work on". It was said with a sarcastic comment, but it was a control play - and I'm sure he meant it. Ugh.

My stbpbdxh, was also OCD. No magazines were allowed to be on the coffee table because that was messy! Lol He actually has mellowed some over the years but he always cleaned when he was mad or upset, it was something that was "in his control"

hi late posters sff and snappybe,

don´t we realize this is something they want you to do in the cleaning etc yhey show it my ex

used tto do vacuum 3 minuts in the hall for me to carry out the entire house the rest of the day... .

wl

Clarification:  Mine didn't dump them on me but he hoarded the cups.

Lol, WL, that definitely puts a new spin on it.  If only they hadn't been full of coke at the time and thrown all over me and my vehicle. 

My stbxBPDNPDw wanted her house to have that showroom quality to it 24/7, because she grew up in a filthy house with an NPD hoarder of a mother.

Problem was, she didn't want to do the cleaning.  Always left crap around for me to gratefully clean up after her highness. Lol

Boy, she would get on my case if things weren't perfect, then rage at me on her weekends off because she felt she had to clean the whole house when she just wanted to rest. 

It was always a no-win.

Mine was OCD. I would wake up at around 2 am and notice she wasn't in bed. She was downstairs scrubbing the floor because she couldn't sleep. I went back to sleep. She complained I didn't help around the house so she said I had to vacuum the carpets. No problem. After several attempts she got agitated because I didn't make the nap of the carpet the right pattern. She didn't let me vacuum anymore. No problem. I was once reprimanded for not loading the dishwasher the right way. I did it the way the instructions said to. Obviously the manufacturer was wrong. She even criticized me for being a perfectionist. If you knew me you would be laughing right now. Several friends were there at the time and they all found it amusing.

lol -- That last sentence was funny as hell.  And spot on.  It made me realize it is hard to find humor in a much of our experiences.  But that one made me laugh and I don't laugh much these days.

Mine was a clean freak, too.  The first five-six months she lived with me, she wasn't working and would sleep all day and then she would clean the rest.  I'm the cluttery one. 

Very cleanly in duties and appearance at work, shopping,or social events. But as she aged,she did'nt even care about outside appearances as much anymore. At home, she bought every hygienic product on the market for her body, but she would'nt/could'nt keep her house clean.  

Ok, this made me laugh out loud! I too was followed behind after I cleaned, told I didn't do it right. One day I was so fed up I told him they are now his jobs from now on! I ran a home daycare for 19 years, 12 hours a day, and kept a pretty clean house! He was just a perfectionist! He goes to our older daughter's house ( where she lives with 4 other roomates) and cleans the bathroom if he thinks it is dirty, which is every time we visit! LOL

I do know though that when he was less expressive about what was going on inside him, he would tackle these huge cleaning/organizing projects. He said it was something he could control and see the end results of his efforts. Trying to make order in their disordered world.

Sounds like my ex.  I remember being at his place and I think I put the salt shakers in the wrong place.  He pointedly took them, put them in the "right" place, lined them up.  Reminded me of the dude in Sleeping With the Enemy. 

I like neatness and order and to a degree his persnickety nature appealed to me, but when he treated me like a child about it or got miffed if things weren't just so,... .it got to be a bit much.  Like one day I was mopping and he took the mop out of my hands and proceeded to do the floor because I wasn't doing it "right".  My house is seriously in need of renos, so I'm sure that drove him nuts. 

cannon,

it is important to be able to look back and laugh.

my ex wasn't too bad with her cleaning, in the sense that she never guilted me or anything over it. i always felt obligated, when say, we'd get fast food and come home and sit on the couch, and then after a few minutes she'd throw both of our trash away, but she'd never complain or hold it against me, and said she knew i would otherwise throw it away.

there were plenty of times, not TOO many, that she'd wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and start fights with me over things i'd left out, or a mess i'd left over night. she worked on that though. it mostly revolved around her being overprotective of her cats. i vented back at her more than once that i hated staying at her place because i felt like a bit of a prisoner with this treatment, and like i said, she worked on it a bit.

i remember she btched about my cat mess at my place. and i dont just mean complained, i mean started a huge fight. i reminded her her place "smelled like cats." she FREAKED. what i meant was it smelled like cat piss, and it did. but she completely flipped and bought all kinds of new sprays and air fresheners. that's all it took. "your place smells like cats." i feel like telling it to her again.

My last two BPD SO's were terrible home keepers, they were just never home to do it. Kids rooms? I don't even want to go there, lived like trash in my book. When I helped the last one move I couldn't believe her house, bathtub was literally black from mold, i was shocked as I had never been past the kitchen or living room in this house. In my mind I was like 'you actually let your children take showers in there?" It was a sty... .

Weird thing to me was at her old house and her new residence (a trailer no less) what you see when you walk in the door looked fine, kitchen, living room etc... .it was only when you got a lil deeper in did you see the mess, kind of reminded me of her... .

 

As my BPD wife's behavior degrades and  gives up trying to succeed, she leaves the home a filthy mess. The dogs aren't cared for. Dishes and food crowd out the kitchen. Dirty clothes, stain food, scissors, silverware and dog crap compete for attention.

I tell you, we are so close to having the social services check in on us. I'll try to clean up what I can tonight and tomorrow. But it is so overwhelming. This is one of the number of reasons I am leaving my crazy BPD wife.

I had to join in here too my husband was OCD too with his cleaning I was the one with clutter still do actually think I got a little worse after he left and he got more OCD where he is now. I mean his veggies are alphabetized in his cabinets and has exactly 3 cans each (so he knows how many to buy when he shops)his towels have to be folded a certain way ,shirts etc.I had no problem there (he would do the laundrey) his house doesn't look lived in no mail on the table,newspaper on a sofa nothing.Pictures on the wall are measured exact to the twentieth of an inch centured to the middle of the room etc. He writes a list every day of tasks for the day ,crosses of what he got done,then does it again the next day.

I had my own opinion on this once just my own theroy and wondered does one so compulsive this way have to keep their outside things so controlled and ordered because their insides are so disorganized as he is often filled with irritabilty,stress over minor issues,outburts and anger over minor things and prone to smash his head or fists through things but of course next day the list would include buy joint compund,tape,etc.to fix wall etc.

Just a thought... .Hi!

My exBPDbf lived in utter chaos... .Piles of old newspapers, piles of clothes, piles of books, refrigerator smelling foul with bad food, moldy shower curtain, dirty toilet... .He kept old "record albums" a turntable that were coated in dust in the living room. I would clean nearly everytime I visited... .I wanted to help him as he seemed to become "overwhelmed" and "anxious" over such seemingly "small stuff"? I honestly didn't mind his "messiness" so much, however... .It used to make me feel good to help him out when his place got "rough"... .Hmmm? Maybe there's a lesson in this for me?

I have a similar situation but not as extreme.  My wife does help with laundry, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms.  But picking up, clearing dishes, even shutting a door, she just can’t seem to do it.  The last one just amazes me, it is almost pathological.  For example, this morning, every single door in the bedroom (that is hers) and the bathroom was open.  All 5 drawers in her dresser, her 1 draw in a shared dresser and all 4 drawers in the bathroom.  I really don’t get it.  How hard is it to shut them?  This is common.

Another is a I think she has a phobia of clean horizontal surfaces.  I can clean off the kitchen counters and table, and when I come home at night she will have covered literally every square inch of the counters with papers, a hair brush, books, groceries not put away, wrappers, etc.  At times it’s just mail and papers but spread out so as to cover the entire clean surface.  This all within less than 24 hours.  Important fact, we have a large kitchen with easily 30’ of combined counter space.

Aggravating to me but I knew my wife was slob before I married her (although not so bad).  What gets me is she constantly complains how the house is always a mess and uses it as a reason not to have people over; even if I clean it up to have guests.

Mine was pretty messy.  Never once vacuumed our place in 2 years, always left it up to me to do.  Would leave 2 months of laundry lying about, and she'd only get around to doing it when she ran out of the 2 months worth of underwear she had.  Sometimes she'd just buy new underwear/socks/tights when she ran out.  Clothes would stack on her desk chair back, once it was so heavy it tipped the chair over.  She said I was too wrapped up in keeping the place neat, made excuses for why things are all over the place, and made me the bad guy for wanting to not live in squalor.  She did wash the dishes occasionally, and bring dishes from our basement up.  She blamed her dislike for cleaning on the fact at her mom's place, they hired a maid to come clean up weekly.  Any time I would bring up the fact we needed to clean our living space, it was always met with resistance.

Both my BPD and NPD ex's were disgusting slobs

NPDexbf was a more subtle slob. He would clear up some things, like his beloved car, and he didn't live with actual mouldy food going on, but he had no interest or regard for laundry. He usually like to wear as little as possible (to show off his not so amazing body and tats) and would recycle shirts and trousers until I had to tell him he stank. Then he would leave them somewhere and eventually throw them in the bin. He didn't leave his stuff all over the house too badly when we lived together (he did when he lived with his parents), but would hoard crap in boxes, which I didn't mind too much as long as they were out of my way. He did used to help with housework if people were coming over and had a general respect for clean bathrooms etc. He never took his shoes off indoors which really used to irritate me  

BPD exbf was a slobby skanky dirtbag. He hid it well to begin but it wasn't long before he degenerated into just being disgusting. I am pretty neat, tidy and like things clean. He was a whole new level of gross. I saw the room he rented before he moved out, and it was horrible. I didn't allow it in my house and tried to get him to pull his weight a bit.

My exBPD was a slob. Like Oscar Madison kinda slob. Both in the house, outside the house, and her car looked like someone emptied a dumpster in the fornt of it. She use to get so mad when I cleaned the car. She said it was so embarassing. What? For her or for me? I cleaned it. And it was a new car to boot. It feels good not having to clean up after someone. DOn't get me wrong, I didn't mind doing it. Just glad that I don't have to do that again.

... .and there was much rejoice!  :)

[quoteHe never took his shoes off indoors which really used to irritate me ][/quote]
Mine never had a problem with taking the shoes off until after the break down.  After that I had a royal battle getting him to take the shoes off indoors or to smoke out there. 

YEP My uBPDexgf was exactly the same... her kids as well especially the teen daughter both kids  had personal hygeine issues... i thought that perahps her home was old and run down that she would respect my home and make it her own with pride cause it was Modern and new but NO she made no effort i was left to clean up everything even after her own kids pulling soiled laundry from their robes especially the daughter who wouldnt use sanitary pads "YUK" of course i was labled a clean freak.

Mine was pretty clean. While he didn't admit to being either BPD or NPD ( which he is), he did tell me he has some OCD symptoms. He would always tell the barista at the coffee bar to wash his/her hands before preparing his cup of Joe!

In terms of personal hygiene, mine was very clean, except for when her depression was really bad and she was at home in bed.  Back in April, she visited her mom in another state and texted me to tell me that she hadn't taken a shower in like two days.  When she was smoking pot, things went downhill because she spent so much time smoking pot that she didn't have time to clean up and do her hair in the morning. 

I never went to her apartment, but based on what she said, it was a mess.  Back in March, a friend of hers was visiting from Europe, and the day before he came, my former friend BPD said that she needed to go home and try to make her room look presentable.  Once, she texted me to say that there was some kind of weird goop in her freezer.  When she went to pack up all of her stuff, she told me that she threw out five garbage bags of stuff.  This was after she had been living in the place for maybe three months.  I've lived in my house for 29 years and probably couldn't fill up five garbage bags with stuff I no longer want/need.   

At work, her desk was an absolute disaster.  During student teaching, everything was just piled up all over the place.  I don't know how she found anything.  Then, she moved into a long-term sub position, and it was more of the same. 

When she stayed over my house, her stuff ended up all over the place.  We would get home at about 3:30 or so, and by 7, I would look, and her pill bottles were on one bookshelf, her face cream was on my dresser, her bag was on my floor, her laptop was on my bed, her dirty clothes were on the floor, not in her bag, and at least two pairs of shoes were on the floor.  Her makeup bag and everything would be in the bathroom, on the cabinet where my cats like to sit.

There was always stuff in her car.  I would walk by it in the morning, and there were things on the passenger seat and in the backseat.   

Mine was a disaster. Her place was extremely messy, clothes and other things thrown everywhere around, sometimes even garbage bags were being kept in a corner, dishes on the floor. When I used to come over to stay for a few days she was lazy enough to not clean out "my part of the closet" so I had to keep my clothes in the bag I brought them in. And of course she would get mad that the room is dirty because of me?

Also when she would come over I would make the place clean and all, she even had an entire closet for herself. Yet after spending five minutes at my place the room would look like a bomb was thrown. Makeup, clothing, everything was being tossed around and I had to plea multiple times for her to pick the stuff up so that I could vacuum for instance. And if I would start picking her things up, she would get mad.

My ex's place was a pig sty. She always would tell me about how messy her exH had been, throwing his gym bag in a corner, etc. she didn't throw her gym stuff in a corner, at least put them in the clothes hamper, but beyond that it was amazing how messy she was. And she blamed it on her two young kids too. After 9.5 years together you'd think she would have been a better house keeper. No. She was probably worse. And whoever mentioned about her raging on Saturday mornings because she was having to clean the house? My ex to a tee. And her poor kids having to endure it. I didn't live with her, but got to hear about it every Saturday morning. Every Saturday.

I haven't seen her in quite a while and know she's with someone else. I wonder how he's thinking this beautiful angel he's found is such a massive pig. Even in her car too. I guess, like me, she convinced him of how hard she worked, how tired she was, and how messy her kids are. She used to tell me that when she didn't have kids her house was spotless. I don't think you can live 10 years in a filthy home just because you have kids. Unless you're used to it already... .Typical lies and manipulation on her part.

mine was a mixed bag... .I guess her cleanliness fluctuated with her emotions, and probably with her partners too... .

she wasn't as messy as she could be dirty, and definitely had elements of hoarding in there too (she was a compulsive shopper)

She told me she cleaned when she was upset.

After June when I started to fight back, she had a shower approx once a week  , her washing just piled and piled up. Her room as she was now living in the spare room, just stank it was vile. Her bedsheets again changed if she remembered - bear in mind her son aged 11 slept in the same bed as her.

She looked herself as she was a god if she washed up her breakfast bowl and mug in the morning.

She hoarded her sons toys and clothes that she had no chance of ever fitting it in again.

And the rages continued as it was fault about everything - lovely

She turned into someone skanky unhygienic and gross. Any other woman was welcome to her