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Title: Why were her feelings for me constant as long as we did not become intimate ? Post by: feelikealoser on April 28, 2011, 04:36:24 PM Hello there,
I read on the board that BPD have a problem with object constancy etc I knew my xgf for years before we became intimate. I can tell you that even though we were not living nearby and meeting very often, her behavior and interest in me had remained unchanged and very stable. Actually it's only when I gave her this relationship with me, she said she so wanted and always had, that things became crazier and crazier. So why can they have object constancy when they are expecting the love r/s and not when they actually living it ? It does not make sense to me and I so desperately need to make sense of it all. Title: Re: Why were her feelings for me constant as long as we did not become intimate ? Post by: 2010 on April 28, 2011, 05:01:28 PM Excerpt So why can they have object constancy when they are expecting the love r/s and not when they actually living it ? It's the "longing" for something that fuels their need to "become." It is the reward. In object constancy problems, the object that's rewarding (that's you) withdraws- often because of a missed phone call or some other triggering event unknown to you. Because the object (that's you) is never constant, it triggers fears that it is leaving. This causes the Borderline to feel badly and creates a problem with object constancy, moving back and forth as it does, causing the worry that the deficient self is becoming enmeshed with your needs and wants and you dont care (they are waiting around like a slave- and you are unappreciative) This causes panic (anxiety) when you are not available. The movement of the pendulum (thought process) creates clinging and then distancing and the relationship (if you can call it that- it's more like a disordered objectified interaction) is doomed to play out in the Borderline distorted beliefs about you, namely persecution. Once the object (that's you) is split black, the Borderline part time object (the deficient self= her) that was fused with you is now also split black and distancing is required to permit the search for newer, good rewarding objects to fuse with. That's the only way the Borderline will feel better about herself, outside of returning to you as a rewarding object. Title: Re: Why were her feelings for me constant as long as we did not become intimate ? Post by: feelikealoser on May 03, 2011, 10:32:46 AM Thank you 2010 for this very clear explanation.
It's frightening to realize that, somehow, it was never about me at all. All she said, good and bad. Everything. It could have been someone else. It was the illness expressing itself, all along. Title: Re: Why were her feelings for me constant as long as we did not become intimate ? Post by: susanleona on May 04, 2011, 03:37:00 PM Excerpt Because the object (that's you) is never constant, it triggers fears that it is leaving. This causes the Borderline to feel badly and creates a problem with object constancy, moving back and forth as it does, causing the worry that the deficient self is becoming enmeshed with your needs and wants and you dont care (they are waiting around like a slave- and you are unappreciative) This causes panic (anxiety) when you are not available. This is exactly how my relationship ended. And I cannot get over just how trivial the situation would have been to a normal person. |