BPDFamily.com

There seems to be an overwhelming amount of posts that have BPDs hooking up or having affairs with other people .

Most of the time it doesn't even have a logical reason and happens when you think your at a good point in the r/s.

Even more illogical is some of the people they seek out are down several notches from their current r/s.

As an attention addict mine would accept any kind of attention as positive.

She was 53 and go into a low class bar dressed like 18 year trailer trash. One of the drunks would say something like "nice rack". She'd perceive that as attention and might even give the guy her phone#.She was a teacher so she was bar royalty in her bars of choice.

The last time I saw my exBPDgf we had this terrific weekend at a beautiful Gulf front condo.She said she had to go home to get ready for work and   go on her   computer.

Instead that night she's sitting at her low class bar talking to one the sad sack bar guys for hours.She had 3 days of my undivided attention but needed attention more no matter where it came from.She would call or constantly get calls  from her bar guy  friends.She needed those calls and guys giving her adulation or attention like we need oxygen.

It's true, good or bad attention is still attention to them. Some of them never get enough of it from enough people, and on and on the roller coaster we ride... .

If the attention is to attach to others, it is Borderline. If the attention is to get attention for their grandiose perceptions of themselves- it is narcissism. Borderlines have a deficient sense of self and use the projective identifications of others to seek valuation- but it is not their idea of valuation- it is yours.

Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self and use others to support their belief in themselves. It is not your idea of valuation- it is theirs. Failing to find the support of their grandiose beliefs makes narcissists move on quickly and often. In essence, a superficial need to have superficial attention to support a superficial self that hides their "true" self.

Borderlines do not have a sense of themselves and are chameleons, changing themselves to wrap around others. Narcissists "subsume" others into their intrapsychic perception- and think of others as props to support their perception of grandiosity.

How does this work for queen BPD edging into NPD?  My wife has moments of waif BPD who can do nothing and is worth nothing then in other moments, like flipping a switch, where she is the queen BPD/NPD ordering all about her to meet her needs and give her adulation.

Maybe the waif BPD is a ploy.  I don't know.

Christine Ann Lawson wrote in her book that Borderlines may exhibit characteristics of more than one character type (Waif, Witch, Queen, Hermit.)

“Although all Borderlines experience fear, helplessness, emptiness and anger, one of these emotional states may dominate the personality. The dominant emotional state shapes the person’s character and may reflect the most pervasive and unmanageable feeling experienced in childhood.” ~ Lawson

It is also noted that since they are chameleon like, they can also be completely different personalities with different people ( including their own children.) Borderlines have different external (public) personalities and can seem normal to casual acquaintances.  Borderline for the most part is a hidden disorder until it shows itself in attachment behaviors.

According to Lawson, Clinging and hating and other acting out behaviors are actually behaviors that the Borderline uses to evoke compliance. The waif attracts attention with helplessness and the Queen attracts attention with emptiness that can appear flamboyant and demanding. Both personas can hide the Witch from appearing until their self hatred causes annihilating rage to spew forth in frustration to lack of compliance. The rage then targets the idea of reference of the attachment. Eventually the Hermit becomes the standing personality due to lack of trust in any attachment.

James Masterson compares the characteristics and their effects on children as fairy tales of either Snow White and the Seven dwarfs or Cinderella. The children, consequently, live in a never ending fairy tale of pity mixed with fear.

2010,

  Nice concise reply. I have that book but you put it together rather well.  Interesting that the end state may be Hermit, my BPD/NPD wife jokes fairly often that she'll end up a crazy cat lady.  Maybe it is not such a joke?