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Title: How do I handle this? Post by: jeff38553 on May 18, 2011, 01:19:09 PM I've posted on here several times and have received some great advise. I know that no contact is the only way I can move on without initiating another bout of emotional torture. She left some pretty important things at my house that I feel I should get back to her. (Bank account information, check, book, warranties for some expensive items etc.) I want to get them back to her but an not sure of the best method. I think I should just drop them off on her car right before she gets off work and leave. Or drop them off at her job before she gets there? I don't want to talk, text, see or have anything to do with her so my healing can continue. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: egribkb on May 18, 2011, 01:39:57 PM My not totally joking suggestion: burn them in the fireplace. If she needed 'em she'd have already got them from you. As they are now it's just a temptation to renege on the NC promise you made yourself (I'm guessing from what you wrote). You get rid of them and you don't have to subject yourself to dysregulation. You aren't responsible for her crap, mental or physical anymore. That's my grumpy take, consult with others before doing anything, lol.
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: needPeace on May 18, 2011, 01:57:52 PM you cant mail them to her?
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: Noob on May 18, 2011, 02:05:03 PM Yup, I vote mail. With a printed label so she can't even feed off of seeing your handwriting and no return address.
Or, you know what? I'm feeling grumpy too... .we've done enough for these people. Eff it. Burn that stuff :) Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: seeking balance on May 18, 2011, 02:09:11 PM I would mail it also.
photograph the box with contents, get a receipt & tracking to cover yourself in any event that something goes missing. good call on not seeing her. stay strong! Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: havana on May 18, 2011, 02:21:01 PM Send them UPS
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: egribkb on May 18, 2011, 02:41:14 PM Send them UPS Haha, I thought we weren't supposed to be passive aggressive? :) Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: jeff38553 on May 18, 2011, 09:52:29 PM Well, thank you all for the advise. My dilemma is, being a limited license psychologist I do have a certain amount of understanding and empathy for the girl. Yes, she hurt me badly and I know any contact is like a crack addict thinking he can just take one more hit, but I decided to box up her things and put them in the rafters in the garage, a place I never go. If she ever does inquire about any of the things, I will send them UPS being sure not to include anything personal, just her items. Does this sound like a pathetic last ditch effort to recycle or a logical plan that protects me emotionally as well as legally?
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: Noob on May 18, 2011, 10:07:48 PM I think you found a good solution! |iiii
Send them UPS Haha, I thought we weren't supposed to be passive aggressive? :) I don't get it ^^^^ - a little help? Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: 2010 on May 18, 2011, 10:14:27 PM Excerpt being a limited license psychologist I do have a certain amount of understanding and empathy for the girl. Let's just call this "understanding and empathy" of yours as a psychologist as counter-transference instead. This is a Borderline who transfers. It is an attachment disorder- and it doesn't matter if you are a friend, lover or therapist. Your job is to set firm boundaries. To not do so is keeping the door open in a "a pathetic last ditch effort to recycle" *not* a "logical plan that protects me emotionally as well as legally." Protecting yourself emotionally as well as legally means that you get that stuff out of your house (everything) and send it back certified mail so that you have a signature on file for its delivery. Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: egribkb on May 19, 2011, 09:52:11 AM I think you found a good solution! |iiii Send them UPS Haha, I thought we weren't supposed to be passive aggressive? :) I don't get it ^^^^ - a little help? UPS has a reputation (deserved in my opinion) of damaging packages. I thought havana was riffing on that as a joke. Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: Noob on May 19, 2011, 10:17:19 AM |iiii lol
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: jeff38553 on May 20, 2011, 02:21:09 PM I guess we can call it whatever we want, counter-transference/empathy it really doesn't matter. I just know that today I would give just about anything to get a call from her. I want so badly to stay in contact as unhealthy as that is. I have not, nor do I intend on making any efort to contact her, but God I miss her. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to recall the horror of 80% of our relationship. I can only obsess over the goods and "the fantasy" we created together. Each day is different on how I feel, but today is especially bad. I can only compare this kind of pain to addiction. I wonder if ending a r/s with a BPD has similar symptoms to addiction, like withdrawl and PAWS (post acute withdrawl syndrome)? If that is the case, I am definitely in a time fream where PAWS would be attacking mw with full force. Anyone have any expertise or ideas about this?
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: needPeace on May 20, 2011, 04:17:37 PM yes resisting them is very much like an addiction
an addiction to a very bad thing that will hurt you over and over again you have to resist you have to treat it just like what it is - an addiction to something very unhealthy for you. You can do it, other people have, and you will be better in the long run! Stay Strong! Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: Noob on May 20, 2011, 07:13:53 PM These feelings will pass! The path of healing goes through this pain. Keep going! It gets better!
Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: once removed on May 21, 2011, 05:01:11 AM jeff, a few things.
don't know about PAWS. i read about adjustment disorder on webmd and that pretty well covered the nature of post borderline relationships. there is something i've begun taking called passion flower that is used to treat it. you might find that useful. yes it's addictive. yes its traumatic. you're detoxing. and it makes me wonder if it doesn't make getting clean from drugs look like a piece of cake. mostly i find myself in a similar position to you, and im not entirely sure what either of us should do about it. my ex, it seems to me, deliberately decided to forgo the exchange of our belongings for the purposes of reengaging in the future (yours may be doing that as well if they're that important, so if i were you i wouldn't feel obligated). i began trying to achieve that about a month in, for about a month, to no success. i gave up. reading this post and the suggestions to mail her her things made me think perhaps i should consider that myself. part of me, like you wants and anticipates that reengagement. much harder (though i'd argue not impossible) to detach when im living in that mode. but then it comes to mind that it would undoubtedly be a motive to reengage her if i mailed them back. seems to me it'd be better, if im to do that, to wait until that's not a motive. i'm not desperate for contact, but part of me is going crazy anticipating it. that's why i cut off the avenues. she may in fact think she's contacting me more than i realize, as i have our mutual friends hidden from my news feed. anyway, hopefully some of those things are things for you to consider, and to know you're not alone here. mail may be a good option if you're wanting to cut off that avenue, just make sure you're ready to do so when and if you do. |