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I have been separated from my BPD husband for almost 11 months.  I had just lost my job and my husband went on a 3 day drinking binge, tried to strangle me and moved in with his ( also crazy) parents. I had no job and no money. His parents immediately funded a solicitor to try and throw me out of the marital home whilst I had no job and no money and could not get legal aid to fight them. His mother called me and raged at me for 45 mins, called me a habitual liar, blamed me for the breakdown of the marriage and said it was my fault my husband tried to strangle me. I threatened my husband with an injunction and since that time I have not heard from him. We are now coming to the end of a very long legal mess and he is buying me out of the marital home. He wants to complete as soon as possible, I have actually brought forward the completion date by one month.

Out of the blue my mother received a text from him. In the text ha says that his parents are struggling to cope with having him at home. He asked my mother to 'tell' me to complete as soon as possible - I have already brought the date forward by a full month. He says in the text 'After all my parents have done for her how can she punish them like this?'. What!  My mother has just ignored the text but I am flabbergasted that, after the way they have behaved they expect my mother to intercede on their behalf.  And how am I punishing them exactly?  If they are struggling with his behaviour it's up to them to tell him he can't stay at their house anymore, surely?

Ugh - classic.

I don't have much to offer, but wow is that effed up.

I hope this month goes quickly for you!

Well, of course. But with Borderline, it's not whether you win or lose but how you play the blame.

Hopefully this will take some of the sting off when you recognize that even his own family wants him out of the house.   I know you wanted them to be your family. I know you wanted them to treat you with respect. But these are not reasonable people and they've now showing you how your Husband was raised. His Mother has chosen a way to cope that denies any responsibility for her Son, while casting the blame onto you. Blaming it on you though, should be fairly transparent. (No one deserves to be strangled.) You'll probably feel pressured to clear your name from the smear campaign- but the best way is not to respond to any false accusations. The validation that you seek from them is never going to be forthcoming, so try to block any further rage communication from your MIL.  She's now lost the right to talk to you because of her poor behavior.

Casting off blame has been a defense mechanism for this family- and with you out of the picture- she's now trying to control her Son and he's now trying to blame you. He wants out because his family home is not a very nice place. Why not let them stew a bit in their own family discord? This isn't your responsibility to make amends for him and his behavior. Let his Mother deal with him. Let him deal with his Mother. This family may have had problems long before you entered the marital contract- you are a convenient scapegoat for their blame unless you remove yourself from their sounding board. Put up a Wall. Expect them to infiltrate in subtle ways. This is about perception and control. If they can scapegoat, you are more likely to be hurt.

Block his number from your Mother's phone. From now on, let the lawyers speak for you. |iiii

I second that - all future communication should be through lawyers.  Ignore any and all direct emails, texts and phone calls from this man and his family.

Thanks for these responses. Very helpful and insightful. Thank you.

I have already stopped any direct communication from him by threatening him with an injunction. I think this is why he has tried 'working' on my mother. The final communication I had with my husband involved me telling him to 'find another scapegoat' and leave me alone.

The family are dysfunctional and huge blame shifters. His mother has never had a good word to say about either of her son in laws ( she is in fact banned from one of their houses!) so I was well aware that I was probably being criticised behind my back.  None of mine and my husbands mutual friends are buying his 'I'm the victim' stuff which just drives my husband closer to his family as he will not listen to friends who give him good advice.  Although I know I am bring scapegoated I still feel disbelief that they don't actually see what they are doing. They must know in their heart of hearts? And should't my husbands psychotherapist have picked up on this?