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One last thing (I know, I keep saying that, then coming up with another "one last thing".  Just one small thing before I stuff him in a box in my head and relegate him to the recesses of my memory.

I read somewhere that with a BPD you are only as good as your last conversation with them, meaning whatever you said in that last conversation is their lasting impression of you, and how they'll remember you.  If you were a b**ch in that last conversation, their forever memory of you will be that you're a b**ch - they won't remember any of the good times.

Does anyone have any thoughts on that?  I know, it shouldn't matter to me anymore - the only reason it does it that it's guaranteed (not just a possibility but guaranteed because of the situation) that I WILL run  into him again at some point.  I just want to be prepared for whether I'll be met with hostility, neutrality, or what.

I would think that there will always be a fluctuation of how they think about the non_BP... .but i guess any of the thoughts will cause them pain eventually even the good times because it is gone and that brings them shame... .but I am new at this myself so I am not fully sure.

Marty

If this is the case about the last conversation then Im an eternal hit_, I know Im not though it's just their skewed impression of me because I tried to find the answer to why they walked out, I deserved to know why because it broke my heart and it still is, the shame thing, well, I did a lot of good things for them and truly wanted to help, something nobody else has ever tried to do for them yet I still got a kick in the guts for it ?  ... .will they realize what I tried to do for them ? ? ?  my last words were... ."Karma's gonna get ya", I was used, lied to, abusive talk, accused of things and not even apologized to for any of it, so, if Im the eternal hit_ because of the last conversation then what should my view of them be.

Everybody Loves You Now by Billy Joel


Baby all the lights are turned on you

Now you're in the center of the stage

Everything revolves on what you do

Ah, you are in your prime; you've come of age

And you can always have your way somehow

But everybody loves you now

You can walk away from your mistakes

You can turn your back on what you do

Just a little smile is all it takes

Yeah, you can have your cake and eat it too

Loneliness will get to you somehow

But everybody loves you now

Ah, they all want your white body

And they await your reply

Ah, but between you and me and the Staten Island ferry

So do I

All the people want to know your name

Soon there will be lines outside your door

Feelings do not matter in your game

Yeah, 'cause nothing's gonna touch you anymore

So your life is only living anyhow

And everybody loves you now

Close your eyes when you don't want to see

Stay at home when you don't want to go

Only speak to those who will agree

Yeah, and close your mind when you don't want to know

You have lost you innocence somehow

But everybody loves you now

Ah, you know that nothing lasts forever

And it's all been done before

Ah, but you ain't got the time to go to Cold Spring Harbor

No more

See how all the people gather 'round

Hey, isn't it a thrill to see them crawl?

Keep your eyes ahead and don't look down

Yeah, and lock yourself inside your sacred wall

This is what you wanted; ain't you proud?

'Cause everybody loves you now

MM - I'm not getting the significance of this lyric.

"... .Feelings do not matter in your game

Yeah, 'cause nothing's gonna touch you anymore

So your life is only living anyhow

And everybody loves you now

Close your eyes when you don't want to see

Stay at home when you don't want to go

Only speak to those who will agree

Yeah, and close your mind when you don't want to know"

Sounds like BPD to me... .

I find that how the people she split interact with her upon reuniting is how she sees them.  For instance if they come up and say hi, ask how she's doing she welcomes them back with open arms.  Reminsices about all the good times, asks if they want to hang out etc.  However they have to intiate otherwise she behaves as if they don't exist.  And people who approach her harshly she sits there and takes it. Like she deserves it but sooner or later she fights back with the same anger and vitrol that caused the split in the first place.    

Maybe people approach her harshly because the person with BPD took advantage of them for days/months/years.  At what point can a NOn stand up for themselves?

I still don't get what this has to do with the question I'm asking in this thread... .

I don't think it directly applies... .but the lyrics are interesting and seem to describe BPD

I wish that were true. LOL. I was very good in my last 5 or 6 encounters. I don't think it is though. They have black and white thinking. It is either you or them. They are going to choose you to paint black. My ex had nothing but bad things to say about all her exes until we broke up. At that point she told me she got along with all her exes and she didn't know what my problem was. LOL.

Im new to this board, this is my first post... .

I dont agree with the statement "the last convo is how they'll always remember you". I think that depends on the exact person youre dealing with.

My quick background:  Im just coming out of a 5 year relationship that had at least 6 breakups. Everything Ive read in the past 6 months points to me having been in a relationship with a BPD. The final breakup was finally me doing what was right, after all this time.

In my particular case, the endings each came via explosive fights, and either me just walking away (to eventually be wooed back) and one time him ending it with me (tho I could tell it was a bluff to get me to cry/beg, and i took the opportunity to walk).  Anyway, in all of these very different types of breakups my ex would always come back to feeling like I was the one he had a meant-to-be connection with, that I was so wonderful, the most beautiful girl in the world.  It's this trait that often pulled me back in - to feel so loved is a desirable thing!  So even if the last fight we had was him telling me how selfish, one-sided and bad I was, he'd eventually always come around to wanting and needing and praising in order to get me back.  

SO, its not always as you wonder it is. But it depends on the person. And ultimately, you need to get it thru your head that it doesnt matter what they think.  If you werent happy, You need to look to the future and to yourself.

There isn't much object constancy (if any) in Borderline beliefs, but the overwhelming belief above all is that you are punitive- that they are bad for attaching to you and you are bad for controlling them. (The escape velocity needed to separate from you actually involves the gravitational pull of another human to attach on to.)

Having said that, the escape from bad (known as the withdrawing from the withdrawing object= you) and the heaven of good (known as the rewarding object=the longing for you- the you that no longer exists or a completely new person) is the outcome from the swinging pendulum of back and forth, back and forth- so it only makes sense that the withdrawing partner is split into bad and then the Borderline jumps onto good when the relationship ends.

That means the former partner will never be perceived wholly as good again, due to the distorted perceptions of it already becoming bad.  P.S. there was nothing you could do about this- even though you thought you could. The disorder always wins. Everybody goes bad because the Borderline feels bad. You were a failed solution to a problem that exists inside the Borderline. It is repetitious and compulsive. Which means they have to get away from you and find a new "good" in a fresh human being, one that doesn't bear the mark of soot on them from the distortion campaign of the disorder.

We'll never be perfect in the Borderline's eyes again. Really, it was a set-up to begin with. NO ONE can be that perfect. No one. In fact, this imperfection is what the Borderline has used as a reason to escape from you so they don't feel the imperfection in themself. I recall a conversation that I had with my BPD partner about this very thing.

He had run into an old flame at the supermarket and she had shared how great her life was now and how immensely changed she had become since the break-up. This caused the BPD's brain to seize up and he was almost catatonic from it. I asked why it affected him and he said, "I don't know, but the last time I saw her she was a wreck." This was also a Woman that he had told me was "crazy" (and at the time I believed it)  Here, she seemed so calm and forgiving to him and he was flummoxed. She had managed to make a great life for herself in spite of his failed attachment to her.

Evidentally the distorted perceptions of BPD that think of people as "bad" and the visual presence of "good" don't compute. There is no grey area to share black and white. It's all or none thinking, good or bad. One or the other and never at the same time. This is the disorder.

She HAS made a success of her life.  She does appear to have made it through the Borderline's Hell. His reaction was odd to me because he was very upset by her happiness, yet he couldn't describe why he was upset by it. I think that his belief was challenged and he wasn't able to justify the blacklisting of her anymore- but he was also insecure that she didn't need him.  It was just another example of the disorder involving child like emotions and pathological envy of anyone who can become whole again after a Borderline sullies their identity.

Getting your identity back and becoming whole again by healing from the failed attachment confuses a Borderline. I'm working on it as we speak.  |iiii

There's no truth or proof that how the BPDex last experienced you is how they'll continue to perceive you. So even if you were painted black in the end I don't believe they'll continue to think of you as the enemy for ever and ever. They're still human. If you were good to them I personally believe no amount of being painted black could ever hold up for a lifetime. I don't care how much they've moved on to their next replacement. When the lonely moments come, and trust they do come (I don't care if they only come when they're on the toilet!), those thoughts will come to the surface and those include good and bad thoughts.

They're aren't machines. It's humanly impossible to reflect on memories and only remember the bad.

Those people have the right to approach her anyway they choose to.  What does that have anything to do with the question asked?  She's not defended by anyone when people she crapped on approach her harshly.  She made that bed and she has to lie in it.

Simply stating what harlemgurl is saying. 


They're incapable of holding an emotion.  Emotionally they live in the moment.  Why they can rage at you and then turn around being lovey dovey as if nothing happened.  If people need to demonize their exBPD partners to allow themselves to heal, so be it.  That's their perogative.  I'm not arguing against that point or being sympathetic to people with the disorder.  From my experience noone has ever been permantently painted black unless they choose to view her negatively.  Again if they do, that is OK by me.        

Bloody hell if that is true then i am in the pits of hell with mine, but as 2010 stated new object = pwBPD feeling good... old object = tarnished.

To quote one of my favourite lines from a song ' and the dance goes on, and the dance goes on and on'

Not with us though eh folks |iiii

It seems to me that in the majority of cases they contact you sooner or later. Even in cases when you thought you'd never hear of them again, they somehow do. At this point I have come to believe that my ex has painted me completely black. Logically I do not expect her to ever contact me. Logically I expect her to still feel the way she did during our last conversation.

But honestly... the more I read other people's posts, the more I can see that you just don't know what to expect and have to deal with it when it happens.

I hope not.

The very last thing I said to him was "I hope you find what you're looking for" as he walked to his car and I closed my front door.

I hope he remembers me as a hateful hag, because I never want to see or hear from him again.

This is a touchy subject for me. Our last conversation in person was horrid and left me with emotional scars that took time to heal. I cannot paint him black based upon one  conversation but I do view him differently. He was mentally abusive and said some sick things. He also unraveled our relationship in a few sentences-saying he could give or take our r/s from the start. Wow.

Had he apologized for his behavior and allowed an adult conversation to process that final conversation-I would have honored his request at friendship. He was unwilling to communicate about that conversation and so I decided that whatever he is or is not-he could not be trusted. He even stated this to me and laughed-he was not to be trusted.


I witnessed this reaction, too. He was livid regarding his ex-wife, he would complain about her successful career and her attempts to be civil to him. They were divorced seven years already. They did not speak to each other. It was strange to see this reaction as he admitted she had never been rude or disrespectful of him-but she did live very well without him. This was another red-flag  that cropped up after the second year of our r/s.

He was a controlling person-and he did threaten to dump me if  our schedule changed due to my family. In three years, our plans changed exactly THREE times due to my family needs, one was my daughter went into labor early.

For some time I was worried I had BPD-given my emotional response at the end. I felt used up, tired and empty inside. In retrospect my emotional reaction was in response of the dynamics of his push/pull behavior, the lies, and the manipulations. I began to withdraw from him and he sensed this and was sullen.

At times my view of our relationship swung from viewing him as a controlling jerk to really missing his tender side. As I processed all of this eventually it occurred to me that it was okay to appreciate what I loved about him and understand that whatever his disorder-it impacted both of us.

I will never hate him-no matter how much I was shocked and offended by that conversation. But trust him again? Never. I simply cannot. It would be opening the door to the lions exhibit and allowing the lion to reside with me.

There comes a time when self preservation supersedes the need for closure-or the sadness that comes when you have lost a friend.

C