BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone... .okay im having a real problem here

My BP ditched me about two months ago, as most of you know... .since that time her mother has tried to keep in contact with me... .

I have tried to ignore her text messages, emails and other attempts at contact because, quite simply, its just too painful. Her mother did nothing wrong, and is a very nice woman -however- I cannot handle contact with anyone still involved with my BP at this time.   I know that sounds horrible, immature and selfish, but everytime I hear from her mother- even if its just a simple text- it sets me BACKWARD... .as in, feeling like the wound has been ripped open all over again.

I dont know what to do... .since I changed my phone number, her mother has been contacting a mutual friend wanting to know why im upset with her... .mutual friend starting to get p'oed at me now thinking i put them in middle, why cant you be an adult Frieda and talk to her ... .tell her you cant handle a friendship with her right now. I dont even know how id say it, and I feel thats so horribly rude... .ignoring her however is not working

PLEASE someone help, because I feel like I want to jump off a cliff all over again... .I cant stand it, it hurts too much to talk to her mother knowing BP wants nothing to do with me (and mother stays in regular contact with her). I dont know what to do... .now after hearing from her mother again, im back at square one... .

Soo... .finally tonight I sent her mother a text... .I told her she's a nice woman but her child is Satan, and that im still angry at her for what she's done... .I hope her mother gets the hint and goes away... .

I was starting to feel better, and -now this--

easy FriedaB.  You've said your peace and hopefully her mom will let you go.  Perhaps in the future saying that you need the time away from any reminders of your ex rather than calling your ex Satan would be more helpful to you?  Focus on your healing not lashing out.  Anyway that would be my suggestion. 

Yes, I realize that wasnt the best way to put it... .but god her mothers a grown woman... .if im ignoring her texts, cant she get the hint? Why must she triangulate and start pestering a mutual friend ?

Im starting to wonder if the acorn dont fall too far from the tree... .

most likely she needs help dealing with your ex.  It's a way to spread the workload.  You know the saying Misery loves company.  Don't be company express to whomever brings up your ex you need time to heal without any reminders about your ex. 

You are sad that the relationship ended as you always hoped for better.  But YOU NEED time to heal with any reminders of your ex. 

See how I said it twice to you... .you may need to do the same with others so they get the message loud and clear.

I also think people love to gossip and stir the pot.  Remember how it feels when people do it to you so that you won't do the same to others.  Pay goodwill forward by taking the high road.

I dont even want to be in the pot anymore, let alone stir it... .

Her mother knows her daughter wants nothing to do with me, and has accused me of really horrible, vile -untrue- things (i.e: abuse, harassment, stalking). Why would she be looking to me for help? Why cant she ask the new one?

lololo... .I know but it's easy to get pulled in... .like the crabs in a pot you know?

FriedaB,

Try to see things from her perspective. She is the mother of a pwBPD. This cannot be easy. With you now gone some of the peace and normality that you brought will be gone with you. As the mother she will have a lot more on her platewith you no loner there. A lot more anxiety and concern. 

A parents greatest wish if for their children to be healthy and happy.

You are doing well by holding you boundary and looking after yourself.  |iiii  I think you cannot be there for everbody else at a time like this. You need to make yourself your #1 priority.

What is your impression of her mother? Is there any chance she has a PD too?

You may have chosen better words to say I need some time to myself. I understand your need to vent and make it clear sho is to blame for you r/s ending. This is a most painful and upsetting time.    I was devastated when my marriage ended.

Look after yourself.

Let go of things that were said and have passed. Try to live life in the present day be day.

Look to hold your own integrity, you do not need to be dragged down by your ex.

Hang in their, things do and will get better.   

Thank you Joe. I dont think her mother has a PD, and I really wish I could have a friendship with her separate from BP but I cant. Her daughter screwed me out of a LOT of money... .had her mother offered to reimburse me something, perhaps I could have continued speaking with her... .otherwise no.

That seems to strange to me that this persons mother is trying so hard to get back in contact with you.  How long did you know the both of them for?  

It's good that you are sticking to your own needs and that you are expressing them.  I mean maybe that was worded a bit strongly, but sorry it did make me laugh.  Now you made yourself clear, if the mom doesn't respect that, maybe it's a red flag to stay away from her completely and forever.  

P.S.  I've been screwed out of money quite a few times in my life, several times by people I would've never imagined would not pay me back.  The best thing is to have a no money lending policy no ifs, ands or buts, no matter who it is.  I've been hurt too much with that and I can't take that risk on anyone again. 

Okay, I am still laughing out loud at this one... I think she might have gotten the hint and if not, well... maybe she is developmentally delayed.

I have limited contact with my exNPDbf and I told the parents I really loved them, cared about them, thought the world of them... but they were just a painful reminder of him. They understood and told me they loved me, would miss me, etc. and if I ever needed to talk, please call. They understood because they have boundaries.

You set your boundary and it is your right to do so. The mom calling, texting, mutual friend triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) may have simply been out of concern for your well being and worried you were angry with her over her child's behavior. Not the best choice of how to deal with the situation and she sounds pretty needy. You handled it.   

C12p21

 lol I dont think mom is developmentally delayed but you may be onto something there. My BP used to be smart, but her drug addiction took care of that... .now she's a lot like her mom... .2 brain cells that arent speaking to each other

Oftentimes, borderline women also have borderline mothers.  I do not think it's horrible to cut off contact with her family as well.  I had to do that myself.  I felt childish for blocking her mom, sibling, and entire family on Facebook, but I did it to ensure that there was NO way for her to reconnect with me. 

I am actually still laughing out loud! You spoke your truth, cant regret honesty!

I, too, am curious about the Mom's intentions. MJJ has a valid point from the mother's perspective, but Im trying to envision how I would react to someone my daughter broke up with. I cant imagine getting involved. Perhaps I would wish them well, sorry my child hurt you... .If I knew them well in the first place. But other than that I cant imagine myself sticking my nose in my Ds business with her love affairs.

She hasnt gotten the hint after ignored calls, texts, etc. Maybe you finally got her attention!


I saw on your other post you are considering suing your ex. It is clear that you are very upset about the money, and also are struggling due to losing this money to her. But I feel you've got to find some closure on this. Its causing you a lot of angst and turmoil. Maybe you should see a lawyer, find someone who will give you a free consult. If they feel suing is beneficial, go for it. If not, let it go!

lol :)

Oh... .you are funny. Sometimes humor is the best cure.

C

One main reason I kept talking to her mother was out of politeness... .then after she blew me off and stopped speaking to me for 2 weeks (I imagine her kid was painting her white in an effort to get her to stop talking to me) Then after Rosemary's baby was convinced I was out of the picture, she painted mom black again... .hence her once more wanting to pursue a "friendship" with me.

Whats sickening to me is her mother knows none of the allegations are true (i.e: she once falsely accused her father of rape) and knows I saved her kid's a$$, and she knows I had no intention to contact her (and havent done so in 2 months) but yet still went and had her daughters number changed (at daughters request) specifically so her abuser couldnt contact her. I know this for a fact because she is on her mother's family plan. How her mother could do this, and still try to be congenial with me later on blows my mind

Why not just say, "You did nothing wrong, and are a very nice woman -however- I cannot handle contact with you at this time."

Quick, concise and to the point. A Boundary that commands respect for both parties and doesn't triangulate, transmute or otherwise transform the aggression you feel about her daughter on to her.  Not responding or taking her phone calls and ignoring her attempts to communicate by hoping the she'll "get the hint" would be passive aggressive.  This not only hurts her, but it hurts you too, giving her with the silent treatment vagueness while manipulating it as "politeness." The most polite thing you can do is be up front about your hurt and draw a boundary to insist that you are not hurt again. That way everyone knows where you stand and the gaming of each other on the drama triangle stops.

No contact the right way and No contact the wrong way: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm)

"If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.  Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally."

You've got to make everyone aware of your boundary and then stick to it.  |iiii

2010-

excellent post.