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My therapist is the one who clued me into the fact that i was "hooked by a borderline".  While on the "deciding to stay or leave" board, I learned a lot about the condition.  I strong suggested to uBPDgf to see a therapist.  After many nonsencical reasons for not getting therapy, in a moment of particiular depression, she agreed.  So here's what happened.  She selected a "Christian therapist", who, although licensed, took a spiritual veiw of therapy.  My gf enjoyed the prayer, but soon became disenchanted.  That lasted 3 or 4 seesions.  Hey, you can't pray BPD away.  So she finally relented and saw a traditional psyD.  She loved the first session.  Second session, she expected a miracle cure, and after the third session, this therapist is "not helping"  and "doesn't have any direction".  Then she went to a psychiatrist.  Loved the first session, which lasted an hour.  Went back for a second session  and was offended that it lasted only 20 minutes "including billing and taking my co-pay".  Me thinks I see a pattern here.  Are BPD's resistant to help?  She claims "all therapists are just as screwed up as everyone else, so how can they tell me what to do"?  How can I get through to her to find the right therpist and stick with it.  If I suggested she find a specialist in BPD, she'd blow my head off.   I once very gently suggested that she may have BPD.  It was a big mistake on my part. 

Hi Blender,

BPD is a condition that exists to deny itself; as with most mental illness - resistance to help is par for the course.

It seems you are still in quite a bit of contact with her; as such - it might be a good idea for you to practice the lessons on the staying board regarding communication with her.  The folks over there are much more experienced at handling the best communication techniques regarding telling or not telling a person they have BPD.  As a rule of thumb, not to tell is protocol - but you might want to pose your question over there to get a more unbiased response.  Mainly the leaving board is to focus on detaching and grieving - focusing on our own recovery from the process.

Peace, SB

She's not going to stop failing as long as it triggers a response from you. In her mind you are her primary object, so how can she possibly hurt your feelings by replacing you when the efforts you make for her are so rewarding? Borderlines react to primary objects withdrawing. They act out in order to keep that object near and they do so with a pattern. That pattern is due to the results that have been effective in the past, i.e, failing.

Since you're now on the leaving board- the reactive-active-reactive-active movement that swings the pendulum back and forth from rewarding to withdrawing has to stop. Otherwise, this pattern of push /pull *is* Borderline personality and you are a perfect fit as the rescuer type that becomes victimized by the relationship while also appearing persecutorial. In effect, you have now become her parent.

In the ten beliefs that get you stuck, this dilemma falls into #9)- "Belief that you need to stay to help them."

You also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about your own survival instincts - you're injured, in ways you may not fully even grasp, and it's important to attend to your own wounds before you are capable of helping anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival.

If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

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