BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Its been 3 months very little contact w my xBPDgf. I miss her. I have boughts of anxiety and depression and I am yearning to be with her although the outcome is grim at best. My story is long and very complicated. I believe I am highly codependant and the quality of my life is suffering. I feel like I am losing it. I am obsessed with this woman and feel I can leave everything for a short future of misery. It makes no sence, but I cant escape this obsession although I know the outcome. I pray for these feelings to be pulled from me so I can back to someplace close to peaceful.

Rich

Rich,

I am sorry you feel this way and are going through this.  We all know how hard and painful it is.  YOU WILL COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE.  This too shall pass.  What helps me is to read all the horrible things mine has said and done (I made a long list) to remind me of the reality, and the frustration and anger comes in and helps me not desire mine the same way.  Also, I tell myself (out loud sometimes... .when I'm alone) when those thoughts come, "I can do better than that, I deserve better than that, it really hurts right now but I will heal, I have gotten over tough relationships in the past, I can take as long as I need to to get past this.  One day I will be with someone new, and in a healthy loving relationship, and if I think of him, I will think why was I ever attracted to that?"

I have found dealing with these feelings much like I have had to deal with my negative thoughts that contribute to my anxiety disorder really helps.  Basically, as I think all these fantasy thoughts of my pwBPD, I say okay, what is reality?  And I am constantly battling those thoughts.  But eventually it gets easier and easier and the more you believe the other reality thoughts you tell yourself and the less "addicted" you are to them.

I know this doesn't make you feel better immediately, but it really is a good way to begin to actively control your thoughts and feelings and actually change them.  It works, over time.

Hang in there.  It's okay that you are obsessed over her.  Don't beat yourself up.  We have probably all been there at some point.  Just start to shift your focus one thing at a time.  You will make it out of this.  Maybe cut all contact so you won't have as many triggers?  Is this possible?

At the moment it feels that way, but I assure you there is a future without yearning. If you have access to a library, you can probably find a book called "Love and limerance" by Dorothy Tennov.  What you are suffering from right now is unrequited "limerance" and the bought of anxiety and depression you have,  is involuntary. According to Tennov, limerance is an involuntary reaction to a situation not yet understood-with physiological mechanisms that are not the product of human decision and it concerns the loss of love.

If you could decide to be over this, you would- but limerance wont let you get off that easy. Limerance is something that happens to us when our love object is out of our reach, sometimes even unrequited.  The love lingers between uncertainty and hope and we do everything that we can mentally to try to resolve the dilemma. Limerances intrusive cognitive components cause an obsessional quality that feels voluntary- but it's not.  It wasn't really voluntary when you fell into limerance. It actually defies control. People fall fast and they fall hard.

Friends and family will tell you to snap out of it, but they fail to understand that limerance won't go away until you resolve the dilemma of hope and uncertainty over the return of your desired "limerant object."  It does get better. Go get the book from the library- Inside you'll find reasons for your feelings that will make you feel better.  |iiii

2010,

Glad you recommended this.  Sounds very interesting.  I'm going to read that too!

@rich5a. I'm going through the exact same thing. I want these feelings to go away and am trying to get as much support on this as I can help to help me with that.

But so far, I just can't shake it. I'm missing someone who has made my life a living hell. It makes no sense!

I am sorry to hear your both suffering now! I hear ya, im in the same boat. Its been two months NC contact for me... .it does get easier with time, but im not gonna lie, there are days its really bad too. Patience, they say, is a virtue. You're lucky to have found this board, I dont know where id be without it. As a matter of fact, Lady31 was one of the first people to welcome me, so thank you for that Lady... .havent seen you on here in a while! Glad to have you back

Thank you everyone. It helps to have a support group. 2010 your posts have helped me tremendously. I will look into the book "Love and Limerance'.

thanks.