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I have read other posts thfrom members asking very open questions about unifying features of BPD.  I understand that many pwBPD suffer from the so-called sexual paradox of hypersexualty combined with low sexual satisfaction.

Both of my exBPDgfs were sexually assertive, almost "porn-star" like at times which was alarming and deeply upsetting.  They seemed to exist in one of two modes: either 1) overly dramatic/scripted or 2) mechanically detached in bed.

I was curious whether BPD tends to co-segregate with a more doninant/assertive attitude towards sex or if pwBPD are equally likely to be sexually submissive and waif-like in bed.  I can see how both can be viewed as controlling positions, but I wondered what peoples experiences have been... .

My ex was a total silent waif, but also only seemed to know two modes: Either very aggressive and direct (too aggressive and direct for my taste) or breaking down crying during sex and pushing away - she'd usually be 10% of the first and 90% of the latter. Sex with her was horrible, really, especially in the latter mode, because it almost made me feel like a rapist.

My xuBPDgf was both dominant and submissive.  She always wanted for me to initiate.  That was her way of feeling like I loved her first (How is that for childhood mentality).  However, her drive was much greater than mine, so she often initiated it out of fear that I was learning to live and love without her sexually.

Once we were "in action", she started to learn and appreciate being dominant towards me, as I enjoyed being submissive.  However, she would ok with either way, so we often switched roles.

She too was insatiable, and always wanting more.  It sure sounds good until you are actually with someone like that.  Most often she was satisfied wanting more, if you know what I mean.  As her illness became better understood, I started feeling guilty myself for participating.  I was feeling like I was taking advantage of her mental condition, with her mind still trapped as a child. 

She had one strange characteristics she blamed on hormones.  That was if/when she was soo totally satisfied due to a long drawn out and multi orgasmic session, she would cry.  She said it was hormones, but now I wonder if it was a recollection of her past abuse?

I got to the point where I thought my ex might actually have been a porn actress. She was aggressive all the way. Completely voracious. She came on to me like a vampire at the beginning. I actually put her off for like two weeks before the deed because I was creeped out by it.

About two months into it, I got a very strong feeling that she used sex to self-medicate; I was right.

Yep, I can identify and did experience most of what is expressed here.  I study the subject, deeply consider the findings.  It haunts me. 

The inner psychological construct of Borderline thought is that they are held prisoners in a relationship and they must perform for their survival. At the same time they think if they escape away from this bondage, they will be annihilated and cease to live.  

Therefore Borderlines perform in over-valuation of themselves (through dual projective identification) and mirror the perceived wants of the partner that judges their desirability. Since the desire of the Borderline is not sex, but attachment- the exchange is commotidized in an over the top circus-like performance that gives them value.  With the initial seduction phase complete, the Borderline can now move on to the clinging phase.

If the partner places a boundary of limitations on sex- or even tries to tone down the circus performance and elicit genuine intimacy, the Borderline's distorted perceptions are that the partner is now engulfing and the valuation is no longer valid. Submissive acts follow as the Borderline persecutes herself and the internal shame begins to cause the Borderline to detach in self protection. Blame is projected outwardly toward the partner as the cause of the shame and the Borderline may begin to act out in ways that retaliate against the partner while also clinging to them. With the clinging phase complete, the Borderline can now move on to the hating phase.

The Borderline may triangulate a third party or give the impression that the original partner is lacking in some way that caused the triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0).  :)uring this stage the partner's archaic wounds are opened and the outcome of the heartbreak is to withdraw at first and then move toward the Borderline and re-visit the relationship in order to return (re-try) the initial idealization phase (which unknown to the partner at the time was really just a seduction in order for the Borderline to create a shallow attachment that allowed for the Borderline's distorted perceptions to surface.)

Whew! |iiii

 |iiii  2010

An important note here is that its not just the Borderline that is part of the dance. The non plays a role too. Due to our childhood issues, and despite the red-flag  we stick at it regardless hoping to get back the honeymoon phase ~ that is a fantasy. Sex (not intimacy) is used to get closer to each other.

The reality is ~ once the clinging and hater phase kicks in so does the Borderlines maladaptive skills due to fear of intimacy, abandonment and engulfment ~ there is no return largely due to the Borderlines core trauma. Us nons spark or reignite the core trauma feelings felt by the BPD.

Conversely it also reignites our own core trauma ~ given that we attach to BPDs to fill our own emotional void.

Intimacy is not sex ~ intimacy is much deeper than that ~ its a mutual respect and trust of another person ~ this is where placing too much importance on sex becomes an issue. Too much sex and no intimacy completely masks the reality of the union. Its full of sparklers, fireworks and volcanoes ~ not sustainable and nor should it be.

An evolved person does not place so much importance on sex but rather true emotional compatibility.

So my new red-flag  is if a guy wants to jump into bed quickly or move in after the first date then there are some issues to consider. Intimacy and trust takes a long time to develop ~ We and our SOs need to see each other go through a range of life lessons before we truly learn who each other are.

I've read this carefully about ten times now. Need to read it some more.

I realized early on in the r/s that my ex was 'using' sex for something. I Just didn't know what for. But now it's starting to make sense. She was using sex to form a quick atachment. I thought she might have just been self-medicating, but there was more going on. I also had an emotional void that I was trying to fill. I wanted attachment just as much, and I was un-healthy enough to try and form one with a person I KNEW was off-kilter from the get-go. In fact, she was very up-front about how off-kilter she is.

I remember specifically that the make-up sex at the beginning of each recycle was just like the beginning of the r/s, except way more intense, almost vengeance-like on her part. After the second recycle, she actually started to hurt me. Gouges in my neck, etc. I actually threw her off me once and yelled at her. It didn't phase her at all, like she knew exactly what she was doing and my yelling at her was part of the routine. Scary, very scary.

One vessel fills another. It wouldn't have worked on me unless I was in an emotional position for it to work.

Hence, I was using her as much as she was using me. It's hard to admit that despite how mad I am at being used and 'objectified,' I was doing the same thing to the other person.

So much for the convenience of finger-pointing.

jhan, I experienced this also!  He started biting me not hard, "playfully", but as time went on it got harder. 

Also, very hard hair pulling.  You know how that is so sexy in the movies?  Well this hurt.  And I feel sure he had some of my hair in his hands afterwards.

What do you think that's about?

My god.  What a frightening place to be for anyone... .an absolute no-win and no-way-out situation.

A can relate to Jhan... .

I will openly admit that my own co-dependecy played an enabling role for both of these women, even though I was so troubled by it even at the beginning of the r/s. I wanted these women very much  (and they were so intensely appealing!) and I wanted them to want me back the same way, with the same focus and ferocity, even abandon.  I shunned the drama and madness and craved it at the same time. I was left exhausted and ashamed.

My highschool girlfriend of 40 plus years ago was BPD (I now know).  This is hard to talk about, but maybe it will be helpful.  She was kind, sweet, religious, very intelligent and probably a nymphomanic.  That's what I surmised even as a 16, 17 year old hormone supercharged male.  The sex was the best of my entire life.  At times she would faint (for 2 or 3 minutes) during sex... .sometimes just making out (it's called Orgasmic Syncope).  She was the love of my life and I still believe she loved me.  Our breakup was indicative of the BPD dynamics we are familiar with.  She refused to even talk to me for over 40 years.  I knew something was wrong with her, but of course I didn't know what it was.  It was deeply painful and left me searching... .for answers.

Some years later as a mature(?) adult I married a BPD because she reminded me of highschool girlfriend.  She too was very sexually intense, but sex did not quiet rise to the level of highschool girlfriend.  She broke off the marriage in typical BPD fashion leaving me confounded that lightening struck twice.  What I found out was that she was a secretive liar and cheater.  If I am to believe what I've heard since (I do) she had some very inappropriate sex outside of our marriage.  I also know she was and is a tortured person... .very good in some ways, yet "broken." I also have confirmed that both women have serious shame and guilt issues due to their behavior... .so we do know they have remorse... .even though you will probably never hear about it.

My highschool xBPDgf came back into my life after 40 plus years of NC... .and the only relationship she had stayed with (or wanted to stay with) was a ten year volatile marriage to a narcissist sex-addict emotional abuser.  They had sex everyday unless she was having her period, in which case he would go to a bar and try and find a sexual partner... .at times he would call her on the phone to tell her he was having sex with someone else and describe it to her.  Among other things she was co-dependent and constantly begged him to stay married.  It was a classic BPD narcissist hookup.  She finally left him when she found pictures of him having sex with someone else in their bed... .but admitted she thought about going back to him for a long time.  After 40 years, I still loved her and she claimed she made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking up with me... .I eventually bought it.  Yes, she was still "crazed" when it came to sex... .she would have multiple organisms just talking on the phone.  Yep... .I tried to fix her, but she sure "fixed" me instead... .lied to me, devalued me, painted me black and disappeared... .my worst fear came to reality... .once again.

Both BPD women I describe are very intelligent, successful high level executives.  Both suffered sexual abuse a very young ages.  While I agree with a lot of the comments here regarding the dynamics of why some BPDs act out sexually the way they do, I believe there is more.  I don't believe a highschool girl can possibly be doing all the mental and emotional gymnastics, including the sexuality for the reasons set out in some of the comments on this thread.  I think it's much deeper than the fact they are playing relationship games to achieve these various scenarios, even unknowingly... .they are almost like driven animals... hunting, searching.

I think boredom, sexual preoccupation, lust, and utter lack of fulfillment all enter into the equation; but not because they are "bad" people.  They have personality traits that are skewed and some that are retarded to the "3 year old" level we talk about.  They want love like everyone else does, but they truly don't know what mature love is.  They believe (these two and others have told me) on an emotional level that great sex is great love, in other words sex and love are the same.  If the sex gets boring or slips... .then they have "fallen" out of love.  Intellectually they know they are not supposed to feel that way, but emotionally they do... .it's all about feelings at the time.  This kind of irrational logic keeps them searching, seeking, longing and acting out sexually.  That's partially why most are so driven sexually.  They are desperately looking for the kind of love that normal people know doesn't exist.  My xBPDgf told told me she had no concept of what unconditional love meant.

Regarding why some nons feel that there is something wrong with them for being attracted to a BPD... .even multiple times; While we all have idiosyncrasies, and issues from childhool on some level, I don't believe there is always a problem with us.  My BPDs are very attractive, smart, personable women with some outstanding attributes.  Men are naturally drawn to those features.  I believe the same is true for most nons.  You see "flags" in normal people early on too... .but again those usually turn out to be issues common to a lot of people, but not neccessarily relationship "deal-breakers." The other thing is that once you become personally involved with a BPD (or anyone else), and you feel a strong attraction, denial tends to play a large role.  To start overlooking the faults or "flags" is a normal part of falling in love... .because if you are looking for the perfect person, you'll look forever.  A well adjusted mature person knows this and will accept anothers person's faults.  There is no way for us to know how truly broken and destructive these people can be... .how could we?  Even those with backgrounds in human behavior... .have and are going down the path of a BPD relationship.

My 2 cents for now.

Jahn... .

My xBPDgf defined herself as a "biter", and proceeded to do the vampire thing on my neck, which was sexy at first, but a little scary too, as if it was something on her bullet-point list to share.  She also encouraged me to pull her hair, again something that can be hot if done spontaneously, but less so if I am given a directive in advance.

its no wonder I felt conflicted about being sexual with her... .sheeesh.

There really wasn't anything about our sex life that I didn't like or that was over the top or anything.   It was really really good, it was balanced, no major power shifts either way, sometimes he was more in charge, sometimes me... .it was... .just good,  exactly how I like it, it was playful and  a lot of fun and sexy... .I suppose he may have been mirroring back what I like, but he seemed to be very happy about it all too, so that was an area that was just plain good.  I have no complaints about that part of relationship at all.

I just got the feeling that in our sex life, my ud-exBPGgf was trying to work out some REALLY DARK stuff.

- Porn sex straight off the bat

- Hypersexuality in general

- Sado-Maochistic Tendencies

- Sex to control emotional dysregulation, IMO

A lot of this is probably evidence of sexual abuse in her past.

Whatever . this woman really has some BAAAAAD mojo going on . . .

Same here.

Such a perfect way to put it... .this is ultimately the last straw in our relationship - he's unwilling to budge on this, and I'm unwilling to budge on not taking abuse (which he admittedly has used to get me to cave into his sexual demands - I believe this is called manipulation).  When it gets to the point of demanding things that are unacceptable to the other, I don't know what can be done to salvage it.

Awesome! This is exactly the reality I came to. Good place to be as it starts to shift the focus onto us and what we got out of it. I am 5 months out and my role is crystal clear to me now. Yes my ex has issues but so do I for thinking I could fix him and make him happy - this is called vulnerable narcissism - not necessarily a bad thing but we need to know our own ceiling point.

Thank you for putting it that way. It helps me understand better.

Wow... .I am sitting here reading this thread and my jaw dropped.

My stbx never kissed me with his mouth open, until I pointed it out to him a few weeks ago, and he did one time.

When we were first together, he would turn into a different person, sort of like a porn star, I felt he was acting.  It was a turn off after the first time.  He was rough with me, and not tender.  I now remember him biting the daylights out of my breast... .more than once.

I am going to have to re-read this over and over to soak in all the knowledge.  

I have felt like if I were sexy enough, skinnier then he would have been satisfied.  What I am discovering, there was no intimacy... .

I know I am not a frigid cold fish, and someday, ... .I can enjoy kissing someone intimately and feeling the trust and love that flows from a sweet mature unselfish love.  

I have felt like if I were sexy enough, skinnier then he would have been satisfied.  What I am discovering, there was no intimacy... .

I know I am not a frigid cold fish, and someday, ... .I can enjoy kissing someone intimately and feeling the trust and love that flows from a sweet mature unselfish love.

Mak a Borderline will make you feel not skinny enough, pretty enough, dress smartly enough etc! This is not your fault and it stems via control and the chipping away at our self worth - its also part projection in that they feel so low about themselves they want us at their level. This is somewhat unconscious.

Yes kissing is way more intimate than sex!

Ultimately, I would echo what MaybeSo's said (and I'd be curious whether yours xBPD was high-functioning or not?). Mirroring was mentioned and I have to wonder whether it was that or a genuine progression of intimacy  (or distorted form of it)?  I apologize if any of this is "TMI" but I enjoy comparing notes with the rest of you so I might as well be open.

Initially sex was one-sided and mechanical. There was not only a total lack of intimacy, I could have been anyone with a working sex organ! Curiously, when the r/s began, she would climax sometimes within a minute or two and would attain two or three before she felt "done" (I often would not finish - though I do take often take a considerable time). This continued for maybe three weeks before I finally sat her down and asked her what was going on, why it felt all about her and why my needs weren't being met. I was very ready to end the relationship at that point but she actually commented that she was uncomfortable with intimacy and "would try harder".

The sex, which had been once or sometimes twice per week, then diminished to perhaps once every ten or so days and continued like that for about a month - but it was much improved - although it now took her anywhere from 10-20 minutes to finish. We had a casual discussion about the frequency and why it died down (she listed some reasons - including what I now feel was a hint that she felt inadequate). After that talk, the frequency increased and I would say it was the most sexually balanced and sexually healthy relationship I have ever had.

Now, to the question about assertive/aggressive: Not usually, no. In fact, she typically preferred it very... .intimate-like? As in being able to see me/look into my eyes with as much contact as possible. She didn't like it if she wasn't able to feel/touch (or perhaps cling onto?). HOWEVER, when we would go out and she had a bit of alcohol in her, I would label her a porn star. She was submissive in that she would do whatever I suggested; but assertive in that she would also initiate things in random places (club bathrooms, parking lots, in the car while driving home, etc.). It seemed like everything turned her on!

I had mentioned in another thread that she liked to dress up. It was never done at home but if there was anything costume required, she wanted us to attend it. She'd always dressed sexy/slutty, got a lot of attention (though she was focused on me) and wanted sex during or afterward (with at least part of the costume on).

One of the weird things was she enjoy anal play and told me she had explored that more fully during only one past relationship. One night during sex, rather randomly, she asked me to switch and go anal. It wasn't violent or aggressive, in fact she seemed to cautiously call the shots. After she climaxed, she then asked me to go back to vaginal intercourse until she had another orgasm. I did, and I never said anything nor do I think she could tell, but I thought "Wow! This is a little twisted!"  After that night, she never wanted anything to do with anal again citing that "you're not really into that and it's not a big deal to me." It didn't matter what I said, she no longer cared for it (mirroring I suppose?)

I like to be playful and explore; and I like to tease. However, when any random weekday cunnilingus would happen, I'd often ask her to warn me when she was close - as to tease and perhaps make it more intense, etc. I'd label receiving as a submissive act, however she would never say anything or warn me or do anything I asked. Afterward, when I'd teasingly ask why or if she forgot to, she'd say something about it coming on too quick or some other generic response. One of the last times we were intimate, she actually said she was going to but she literally said it as she did! When I asked why she didn't mention something sooner, her response cryptically suggested a fear that I might deny her the finish/pleasure. I found that mindblowing since I had ALWAYS took care of her needs.

It doesn't apply directly to the question but I feel this does relate: she seemed to be sexually confused. She was attracted to women, had even played around with at least one (though she told me she felt awkwardly uncomfortable afterward) and had suggested we "share" before dating. While in the r/s, she joked (?) about it a few times until I told her that she was all I needed. One day, during a vulnerable moment, I asked her if she felt she was bisexual. She said no, not at all. I said "but you're attracted to women and feel a desire to sexually play with them sometimes?"  She said "Sure. But I won't go down on them. That's what lesbians do. I'm no lesbian."  I said "Would you let one go down on you?"  She said "Yeah, I probably would. But they shouldn't expect it returned." I'm still confused. LOL.

There were two specific and separate sexual experiences with her which, in my opinion, were not only the best sex I have ever had, but I had felt (and still do) they were the most intimate and mutually loving sex I have ever had. In fact, after the first time (which was a bit better than the second), she clung onto me and, in this vulnerable, sincere way, said "That was beyond amazing! That's what I want with you. I want us to feel like this every day."  Both of those moments weren't after "fights" but they were, in some manner, makeup sex; in that we we both expressed remorse toward some problems that had occurred, validated each other emotionally, and professed our love. Both moments were spontaneous and never had motive. They were two people kissing, touching and making each other feel cared about and, I think, it naturally progressed. I actually felt like these were two moments where she wasn't afraid to be vulnerable with me. Anyone else ever have that?

I'm not sure how similar or different my experiences will be. I'm quite certain she has the disorder (or many strong traits minus the violent aggression/rage) but she also got herself into therapy because she felt it was needed in order to make us work like we should. She "had issues" and "needed to heal". I'm guessing she had some self awareness of her problem(s).

EDIT:

Kissing came up and forgot to add that, initially, she was one of the worst kissers I've ever experienced. It was like she forced herself to pucker for it and didn't know what to do. It seemed so unnatural! Her lips were always so firm and, thinking about it, that's how her child kissed me. Wow. She kissed like a child. Go figure! As for open-mouthed, that only happened if she had a couple of drinks first.  Thankfully the kissing got better toward the end of the relationship.  One other oddity was that she would say "I love you" quietly; not a whisper but when you tell someone you love them you don't expect them to half their volume level when they say it back.  ?

I'll just dump it and say that my ex-udBPDgf is an absolute FREAK. She wanted to bring another girl into it two weeks into the r/s. She dressed up in outifts, we went to porn stores. Toys, all of it. She went at it with a VENGEANCE. This was all in like the first month. It was INSANE.

When she realized I'm actually kind of conservative, she cooled out and started to mirror me. The sex was still rambunctious and intense, by the way-out stuff went away.

I remember thinking to myself; if this person REALLY liked that stuff so much, why'd she give it up so easy? THAT creeped me out too!

Great and helpful introspection and commentary.  Thank you all.

One of my underlying questions was whether extreme, theatrical, "porn-star" like behavior in BPD was gender-biased towards women. Based on the comments here, it seems that many BPD do show it, but not all and it is apparently not exclusive to women.

My question arose from the fact that human culture has sexually objectified women much more than men, so i was wondering if female BPDs were more likely to exploit this by playing a "role" that they think will win them some favor and to gain some level of control in the r/s.

I dont know if that came out right, but I hope nobody takes offense.

my exBPDBF was not into porn star sex but I also think he knows he has the capability ~ he is somewhat aware of his BPD behaviours. And he is a self confessed sex addict.

Sex is just a dark thing with BPD, IMO. That's what's I felt really early into my r/s: DARKNESS. Bad juju.

I had never really been in a situation before where I felt like a person was USING sex for 'something else.' It made my skin crawl after a while.

funny, mine was a biter too. I thought that was strange and unpleasant.

Dare I say it, my ex and I both look in really good shape. Really, physically, she is incredibly attractive and sex was nothing short of fantastic. Always. As for aggressive or submissive, I really don't know. We just worked.

Sex with my ex really worked too. Then again, maybe she was great at it because . . . she's had lots and lots and lots and lots of practice . . .

Not uncommon with BPD's. Many are into 'pain.'

I once launched off of my ex because she bit me so hard. I screamed at her, and she just lay there like I didn't even say anything. In her own world . . .

Yes, the sex in my relationship with my exBPD/NPD was incredible. MaybeSo has stated it perfectly... .

I had no complaints at all. I felt very "loved" and cared for... .so "connected" in our love making... .He held me for hours after we were done. I couldn't have imagined it to have been all "fantasy"... .

But, as painful as it is to bring forward, he was "glazed-eyed" when we made love... .even in the very beginnings of our relationship. I noticed this right away. He had this "bizarre" expression on his face with "fixed eyes" that seem to be "looking through me" when we made love. I thought it was just a "quirk" of his? But, it did "feel" strange to me. I often "looked away" and avoided looking into his eyes because it was uncomfortable to see him looking like that... .

Even having said this about his "strange eyes/expression", I have never experienced such incredible love making in all my life (52 yo)... .I loved him with all my heart and soul... .

So, I don't know how to explain why I felt such an amazing connection with a man who never truly loved me (not "real" love)... .a man who was just "getting off" and using me as an "object"... .a man who was "dissociated" during our love making... .Aghh? What does this say about me? So much pain to work through... .

I'm still working through all of this painful BPD/NPD relationship with my therapist. I ache inside thinking of him making love to my replacement. God, I just never saw this coming and had no idea what BPD/NPD even was before I was gradually devalued, then abruptly dumped and replaced with the blink of an eye... .It is surreal. I don't know if I will ever be the same again... .Why?

WhiteDoe

BP's use sex to form quick attachments and to regulate their emotional dysregulation. For me, it was great when it was happenning; in retrospect, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I have a hard time grasping that I volunteered for such a dehumazing experience. Yes, I like great sex, but I'm also a human being with a soul.

I've come to realize some things:

1) Moving forward, I'll take average sex with someone who treats me like a human being any day of the week.

2) My ex was great at sex because she's a slut. She's had lots and lots of practice. Period. And I was a slut for being with her. I'll change. She won't.

3) People who treat people like objects in relationships are whores.

4) There's the other 22/24 hours in a day. If a person is a raving ___hole during that time, NO sex is good enough to keep me around. I'd be better off getting a hooker. At least a hooker is honest about what she's doing.

Now replace all the she's with he's. Same standards apply to both genders.

And . . . after a few months, I thought I could just inject my ex with synthetic endorphins and it would be the same as sex for her. She uses sex like a JUNKIE. It really is that simple.

wow! that's quite a reaction. I have no idea if my ex was/is a slut. I do know that what we had at time wa very real. I don't think my ex was a slut  but at the same time I question that I ever knew her at all. Certainly I had reason to suspect otherwise at the end of the relationship.

Importance of sex for a Borderline ~ you are right Jhan it is a way to self regulate/self soothe.

The sex was great for a long time however my drive hit rock bottom because I sensed something was off. I am sure its the same for men as well however with women if things are off then our drive is the first to plummet.

So sex to my ex was so important that during a break up chat he told me that part of the reason why we have to split up is because we werent compatible sexually ~ I took offence to this initially but in true BPD style what he says cannot be taken on face value.

The truth is he withdrew ~ its about control. Borderlines become very dysregulated and split all over the place towards the end of the r/s. Sex was not regulating him anymore because his core trauma was out in full force.

He blamed the sex but in fact it wasn't that. Denial is rife.

I am very interested in any thoughts on how our sex life evolved (devolved).

I am a 45 yr old woman with a healthy sex drive. It was something we did talk about it the first couple of months, that we both thought sex was a priority, that it was important, and that we both liked it very regularly. He even joked that if it wasn't good, would I be with him and I joked "no", but we both knew that it was something we both needed.

He told me that in his marriage that he was just in it for himself. That he didnt try to do anything for her. red-flag

In the beginning it was very hot, very balanced, very good. Multiple times good. I remember when it went from twice a night to just once,but he lasted a long time so it was ok. Then it was not every night anymore. I tried to talk to him about us having less sex and he became very defensive so I dropped it. Sex continued to dwindle down to a couple of times a week. Once or twice more I tried to talk to him about it. It had gotten to where I stopped wearing lingerie because he had rejected me so many times. I stopped initiating sex. Then it went to once a week. And it was still good when we did have it.

Then it got to where he was really quick if you know what I mean. Leaving me frustrated. When I told him I was frustrated, he got very offended.

I mean, even if he was kind of quick, he still could have tried to help me to have some enjoyment. But he didnt try.

Then it got to where he hardly participated in foreplay at all. he wanted me to, while he did nothing. And then he was quick and blamed it on me saying "if we did it more often he wouldnt be so quick"

I think it was another form of control. Nearing the end of the r/s he made a few comments that he wanted our sex life to be like it used to be. I told him I did too.

The last weekend before he left, we had quick  shower sex- for him. I felt like a handy object. But he told me he would really take care of me later. rght. That night his "stomach hurt" after eating a huge bowl of ice cream, so he didnt feel like doing anything.

I will give a disclaimer that he has ulcerative colitis and that did play a part in the decrease because his stomach did hurt a lot, but sometimes it was because of what or how much he chose to eat. I could watch him dive into something and know that there would be no sex that night.  so tha was the last weekend. One quickie for him, nothing for me.

Another disclaimer is that he had lost his job earlier this year and I know that plays a big part in the male ego and he was depressed sometimes.

But the way it had gotten, from him going from being an animal who made sure he took care of me, to someone who laid ther waiting for it seems very selfish.

My exBPDgf did EXACTLY the same thing, over the phone.  It seemed to come out of nowhere, as if she was inventing a reason to end it, even asking me to agree with her, seeking a validating second opinion... .from ME!    Unfreaking believable.

My ex was a sex addict so I don't believe anything he says regarding sex - it's bound to be distorted.