BPDFamily.com

I know this will probably sound stupid... .but it's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

Is it possible that BPD could be contagious? Not in the aspect that a cold would be contagious.  I don't mean, like, hanging out with a person that has BPD would "catch".  But more in the emotional sense of spending so much time with someone who has BPD could lead to a person developing more BPD symptoms themselves. Environmental learning of behaviors to mimick those of the person with BPD?

Also, from what I have read it says that abuse and social stress are possible causes of BPD. If a person has a BPD family member who is abusive (and the situation is obviously stressful), couldn't that lead to the other person developing BPD as well? 

Or maybe it's just me starting to believe him every time he tells me that it's all my fault.  Every time he tells me that I'm the crazy one.  Every time he insists that his behaviors are normal and mine off balance... .

I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore... .

This is a phenomenon commonly known here on the boards as"fleas", or alternatively, asBPD lite. From the saying, he who lies down with dogs will get up with fleas. I have a version of it from living with the trauma inflicted by my BPDh's acting out behaviors. I think it's a form of post traumatic stress.

What I have found in myself is that my relationship with my BP has twisted me around so much that now I portray those exact same traits of BPD that he's always (falsely) accused me of in the past.  It's totally cause and effect- these are not traits that were EVER in my personality before.

For example- fear of abandonment. I mean, no one really likes to get dumped. It sucks. And then I met my BP... .and got dumped. Repeatedly. I mean, like, 20 times in the last 7 years. Got married, beautiful marriage, and got dumped on my ass for absolutely no reason (Really. He was deployed to Iraq, had a nervous breakdown, went into PTSD mode and decided one day HEY I THINK I'LL GET DIVORCED). Any time we recycle, I have huge anxiety that the other shoe is going to drop, because I just KNOW a breakup is coming over something trivial, or he'll get depressed, or a bad anniversary date will approach, or his family will start causing drama, or the weather is bad, etc.

Paranoia? Suspicious? Stalking behavior? Never did it in the past. But after getting gaslighted for 7 years, being lied to daily... .yup, that's me. (he had a female friend that he saw at least once a week behind my back. What lie did he tell this week? Was it when he saw Bob? Or when he said he worked late? Or was it when he had a "meeting"? By God, if he admits to doing it, but he never tells me when he's doing it, he's GOT to be lying!) Any time I tried to be trusting, I got stabbed in the back. Last year, I went out of town for a weekend with my kids. He texted me daily. He texted me that our football team won. He told me he hoped we were all having a good time.  I had to find out on Facebook 3 days later that he had actually been IN A RESORT IN MEXICO with that female friend for her daughter's wedding.  Totally covered up being out of the country.  You bet your sweet bippy I'm suspicious.

So am I borderline? Is it catchy? Or has the insanity caused me to react in the only crazy way that makes sense?

I don't remember where I read it, but in one of the books I got from the library on BPD it did say that people close to others with BPD may start to exhibit BPD behaviors themselves.

Were you to move, for example, to a rural village in Cambodia and live full-time with a rural Cambodian family, you would, as a matter of course, eventually adopt the customs, manners, behaviors, and language, of a rural Cambodian.

If you insisted on living like an urban American while living with your rural Cambodian family, life for everyone concerned would be very difficult, if not downright intolerable.

And so it stands to reason that if you live full-time with someone who has BPD, you're eventually going to start behaving in many ways like a person with BPD, even though you're really not a person with BPD. In the same way that you wouldn't really be a rural Cambodian.

The difference, however, is that being a rural Cambodian is a way of life.

BPD is a disorder.

And so when you're living full-time with someone who has BPD, you have every reason to not "go native" and adopt the manners, customs, behaviors, and language that are common to BPDland.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses.  I feel a lot better from reading them.  I thought I was going crazy.  I thought I was loosing my mind. 

I have noticed that it is only with him that I exhibit these characteristics.  With him, and only with him, I feel my feelings and emotions are not validated, and like they need to be validated.  I feel alone. I have adopted his "language", meaning that he swears constantly. I have picked up his swear words. Me, someone who NEVER uttered a single swear word in my life before I met him. Yet, still, I only use those words with him. Around him. Sometimes I feel like I can't control myself.  I feel crazy because things that I KNOW he did and said, he swears up and down that he never did and never said. 

BUT like I said, this only affects me when dealing with him.  I never have these problems at work. I never have these problems with my friends. I never have issues with these characteristics when I'm dealing with my (loving, constant, ideal) family.  I don't even have problems when it is just his daughter and myself at home.  It is only when he is around that I have these problems. 

So now the conundrum is, how to avoid "going native".  I do not like these characteristics. I  do not like these feelings.  I do not want to adopt the manners, customs, behaviors and language of BPDland.  How do I get my own custom back, and keep it? 

Can it work the other way around, then? If a non-BP can learn the habits of a BP, can they also learn non-BP habits? I realize I'm being mostly theoretical here -- I live with a BP and have felt how the energy tends to kind of gravitate in their direction. I guess I'm just hoping that if I take care of myself and enforce consistent boundaries it will eventually rub off, since BP's taking the initiative to get help is unlikely. Anyone have any experience in this regard?

Wow! I've been thinking the same thing the last few days.  I feel like my mind has gotten so twisted and my reality with my wife has gotten so confusing that I just can't figure out how to think.  When we talk I find myself wanting to use the same kind of garbage she throws at me... . I want to rage and yell and do all this stuff that isn't in my personality and hasn't ever been in the past.  Thinking that I may be acting the same way twists my mind even further and makes me so confused.

Hi PearlB and CAD_50,

*welcome*

I can relate, when in the depths of BPD it felt like all his stuff took up the space, and also the certainty, if that makes sense. There were times when I too wanted to rage, mainly to take up, to claim back some of the space as mine, so the relationship wasn't all about him all the time. Suppressing all of this was a little crazy making for me, and I felt in ways I haven't felt in past relationships.

Since coming here and learning the tools, I feel I have been able to claim back some space (but in a more constructive and healthier way than raging back). By shifting the focus on myself, and on taking care of myself and enforcing boundaries like you say PearlB, things have changed for sure.

The lessons over on the right there are a great place to start. We are here to help and support you too.

Love Blazing Star

Not contagious, but if you don't learn to take care of yourself, you can develop similar problems.   I read that most pwBPD have experienced some kind of emotional trauma in the past, I could see the trauma caused by an uncontrolled relationship with a pwBPD could lead to similar trauma which could trigger similar symptoms.

Hi

I just found out about BPD and i think my husband has high functioning BPD. I think he might have NPD too (sorry not too familiar with terms and abbreviations used here). I just started reading the walking on eggshells book and the more i read it i feel like i have BPD too. But it is exactly like you said - only with him. I'm ok with everyone else. Yes, i did have a couple of breakdowns when i was visiting my parents in summer but that was because i have very high anxiety and depression now. I can even relate to the swearing part. You cannot get a single swear word out of me but with him i have started swearing out of frustration... .I think my behavior or feelings that seem like BPD are a result of the emotional abandonment and ZERO validation that i get from him. He keeps telling me im paranoid and i blow things up, etc and never talks to me. I am relieved to read this thread and to know that i am not alone.