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Title: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: Denny on October 25, 2011, 04:00:17 PM Hello all,
Super glad i found this site. It has helped tremendously. I am six months out (with/NC) of a 5 year relationship with a woman that was diagnosed with BPD. She was a very high-functioning successful BPD. So so many of the traits of the relationship mirror many of the stories I have read online here. My question is this. Anytime I have broke of the relationship I have felt the need to change my locks and various other security things (I have NEVER felt this with any other relationship). I still lock all doors and my bedroom door when I go to bed. its a feeling of anxiety, fear is the best way to describe it. I'm just trying to figure out why I feel these feelings. There was never any violence of ANY kind nor can I consciously say I think she would do something. I think part of it is I just cant predict what she will do i think is part of it. I am perfectly capable of defending myself but still feel fear of some sort fear. I will give some examples below of what i think and know to some extent are the reasons. I will be honest here some of these things I thought were cute and kind of touched my heart when i was missing her the most and realize as I write that there really not healthy. 1. Stop by unannounced. 2. Leave things in my mailbox. 3. leave things on my porch. 4. When my daughter went to her new school she started going to the gym across the street. 5. In times past when we were apart for months she would call out of the blue to see if my kids were ok. 6. Magazine subscriptions were sent to my house with her first name my last name (she had never lived there) 7. Sign my email up for products that were female related. These are just a few examples of a longer list. I'm sure its obvious to ALL... .lol... or at least some that have been through this but not to me. Can anyone shed some light on this? Title: Re: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: OTH on October 25, 2011, 04:12:16 PM It is a tramatic experience. You were emotionally wounded if not physically. You are simply protecting yourself. I lived with her in my cottage in the country when we were together. I never locked the door until after we split. If somebody comes out to steal the would just break a window so what is the point. I only lock the door now to keep her out. lol. I used to lock it at night when I was there but I stopped that recently. I did this just for the #1 you listed.
Title: Re: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: Clearmind on October 25, 2011, 04:40:44 PM Denny *welcome*
I get you. I now check and triple check my door is locked. Look into which values (of yours) your ex violated. Mine was certainly honesty, Trust, security among others. Do a google search on values - it will shed some light Knowing your values means you won't let someone violate them again Title: Re: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: WalrusGumboot on October 25, 2011, 04:48:08 PM Denny,
Your ex is exhibiting stalking behavior and you have every right to be concerned. You might want to read the women stalker series by Dr. Tara on the Shrink For Men website. Go to the index page and scroll down to the February 2011 section. You will find the series there. Most likely she is just wanting to keep you engaged for a possible future recycle attempt. Title: Re: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: 2010 on October 25, 2011, 05:01:43 PM Excerpt Can anyone shed some light on this? If you have been involved with a person with Borderline personality disorder, you have been mirrored in order to fulfill a sense of wholeness. Borderlines are part time objects, and they fulfill a need to make themselves whole by mirroring the good in others. When the relationship works, the feelings of wholeness are also egocentric to the partner's needs. When the relationship goes bad (as it often does) the egocentric injury causes the partner to split off the good part time partner (the BPD) and see them as bad in order to protect the ego. This is called the paranoid/schizoid position. The paranoid/schizoid position is the response to the loss of the part time object that once felt whole- and it protects the ego from feeling badly (persecuted) by casting off and projecting the bad part time self onto the ex. It is a protective measure. Splitting allows good to stay separate from bad. Projection is an attempt to eject the bad in order to control through omnipotent mastery. Splitting is never fully effective, according to Melanie Klein, as the ego tends towards integration of the part time selves into a whole again. This realization of good and bad in the same object causes depression. The splitting and part object relations that characterized the paranoid/schizoid phase are succeeded by the capacity to perceive that the other (BPD) who frustrates is also the one who gratifies. Schizoid (hermit-like) defenses will remain, but feelings of guilt, grief, and the desire for reparation gain dominance in the developing mind. “Before the depressive position, a good object is not in any way the same thing as a bad object. It is only in the depressive position that polar qualities can be seen as different aspects of the same object." ~Grotstein Entering into the abandonment depression and coming out the other side means that you will need to find both good and bad in your failed relationship without returning to resuscitate and re-live it to seek good only. Coming to terms with the abandonment depression that good and bad are found- is your goal. Remaining in the paranoid/schizoid state is the ego's way of preventing the depression to occur. Given time and with no contact, it should happen. Keeping your Ex alive as a stalker persona (bad object) only prevents the bad feelings about yourself to arise. Give yourself a way to self soothe and let the feelings up to the surface and let them go. |iiii Title: Re: Living with an odd sense of fear? Post by: rotgut on October 26, 2011, 02:18:48 AM Very informative post 2010. |iiii Especially appreciated "Give yourself a way to self soothe and let the feelings up to the surface and let them go."
This is some sort of weird mental cleansing reaction. I am just now coming out of the other side of that, and starting to be able to see my stbx uBPD w in both good and bad terms w/o wanting to reunite. And even finally file divorce papers. Your thoughts on security, "paranoid, schizoid" is very applicable to my experience. Mine was indeed physically abusive, but this was not why I left her. The cruelty and rages during a family crisis, unrelated to her, were unbearable to me. She is much lighter and I am weight wise, and I am much, much physically stronger, but I still moved within shouting distance of a Police Station, in a different city. I too, did all of the door locking and even gun next to bed for a while. Sounds like "paranoid, schizoid" b/h to me now. And now that there is an ocean between my w and i, literally, I now longer feel the need to even lock my front door. I live next to a PD for gods sake. |