BPDFamily.com

Here is the back story on this whole thing:

I'm dating J. His ex-wife, A, has a very severe and very textbook case of BPD.

During their marriage, he endured quite a bit of abuse caused by her condition. They entered their relationship very quickly and passionately (they were married after 3 weeks of meeting eachother), as people with BPD often do. They had a child together. He soon realized that she has a serious problem (physical assaults, mind games, deep depression, self-harm, and suicide threats). He tried to understand and work through it the best he could, but they ultimately got a divorce.

It truly ended between them with an incident in which she had some sort of BPD related episode. They met so he could see his child and when she realized it was over for good, she went into a rage. There was a police chase and she tried to end her life in the car, going 90mph, with their toddler son in the back seat. She is on probation now but is not undergoing treatment for BPD.

Soon after that incident, I met J and we started dating. That was over a year and a half ago.

After almost two years of separation, A is still not dealing with the situation well. We've tried our best to work with her so she and their son could happily be in our lives. She seems to be doing everything she can to make that impossible. J and I are enduring her endless harassment via any means possible (horrible e-mails, texts, messages full of personal attacks and threats). She jumps back and forth from being cool and letting him visit, to hating us with all of her being. She has apologized for her actions and immediately taken it back several times.

Her endless harassment has left me in shambles. It has been going on since she found out about me. I have had to see a doctor and was prescribed anti-anxiety meds! She has even tried to sabotage my career. I was almost fired a few times over the whole thing.

She still will not stop trying to contact me. I don't know what to do! I've filed for a restraining order, but it wasn't granted because she had not threatened my life directly. I have talked to a lawyer with no luck. How in the world do I make this woman stop? Ignoring her does absolutely nothing. I've ignored her for months at a time, and STILL she finds ways to get to me.

Thing is, you can't 'make" her do anything.

what you can do is keep very meticulous records and keeps all of the stuff she sends to you- build the trail and let it speak for itself- it will eventually prove to be harassment if it is... .

In the meantime, you can change your response to what she is doing.

Delete the txts, e mails- filter them ALL to a trash bin - create a new e mail acct ONLY for your family and trusted friends, one for business transactions 9ordering on line etc) and leave the old address in tact... just don't look at it.

She can't 'talk" to you if you don;t read her words.

you have no obligation to read what she sends. The child is not yours and all communication about children should be going to the child's father to begin with.

Then start thinking about WHY this makes you upset and angry. Why does it?

Then think about how those feelings are affecting your life. How so?

What if you changed the affect they have by changing your feelings, by changing your perspective?  Think it's worth it to learn how to do that?

"she's abusive and crazy and it makes me sick!"   Could be... .

'this woman needs so much prayer and the peace of god in her... .i am going to do that for her and my SO and his child"

OR

'If i remain calm and unaffected by this, child is going to benefit and he is a higher priority than whatever my personal issues are with her"

TRY IT!  What can you come up with?

PS - I have experienced some of what you are... so I know it is not easy... .

NW

Well that was WONDERFUL! Throughout this entire ordeal, the only advice I've been able to get is how to get her in trouble in some way (like a restraining order... .heh yeah that worked out well)

Thanks for opening my eyes on how to work on myself. I'm already on my way with the new understanding I have of BPD.

Hi love42910,  *welcome*


I see by your previous posts that you are here because your partner "refuses to seek help."  Perhaps you are an overly responsible person, but something has to be said. What goes on between your boyfriend and his wife is not your battle to win or lose.  Your battle is how to stop yourself from rescuing him and feeling persecuted and victimized by her.

You came to this site in the hopes that he will benefit, but if you are to be truthful- this will benefit you as well. You want him to be a "fixer."  But this is a man who "refuses to seek help."  Shouldn't that be a red flag?

You did say that he and she have been separated for two years now and you've been dating for a year and a half. Those six months didn't give him much time to sort things out from the blow-up of his marriage before he started dating again.|>  When you met him, was he acting like a victim?  |>  :)id he tell you that you are a competent and capable woman- in contrast to his ex-wife?  |>  :)id he tell you he needs you to help him?

This really places you into a starting gate position of a rescuer on the drama triangle and lends an atmosphere where you might be caught in a merry go round of dysfunction with three people.  In fact, this dysfunction triangle might be all you've ever known in your relationship and it gives you an idea about how you got here. Hidden in this drama are some secrets about yourself.

Do some reading on triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) and see how your rescuing places you in a position that allows for some very damaging drama to move around and around as you rush to rescue while victimizing yourself. In turn, you challenge his ex-wife as you both persecute each other while he plays the eternal victim and "refuses to seek help."red-flag   

A Man who refuses to seek help concerning drama may not have planned to fail but he clearly is failing to plan when it comes to providing a stable support network for his Son.  Rather than address the issue of his child's future custody- (according to you in another post)- he's left the outcome in the hands of his ex-wife who is now being sued for custody by her own Mother.red-flag   You claim to not know anything about this because you cannot communicate and get answers- but certainly your boyfriend can- he just doesn't seem to want to get too involved. The parental follow through here is lacking -and you've managed to look the other way about his issues *and* take double responsibility for fixing them.red-flag  That makes it seem as though you're doing all the worry and most of the work while he "refuses to seek help."  |>

For the most part, your *real challenge* is in stepping away from the drama and letting go of the outcome. This is your boyfriends business. It's his mess. Let him take care of it, reevaluate what he can do and step up to the task of getting free from the drama as well.  Then and maybe then should he be able to have a peaceful and quiet relationship with you. The only way to win in a triangle is not to play and everyone must take responsibility for their own self.  |iiii

Take a look at this link and realize your starting gate position:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

NW, this is the route I have chosen to take. I told a friend of mine that it was tough for me because the first thought in my head upon opening my eyes is of stbx.

He told me to push that thought out with a little prayer-"Jesus, minister TO me and THROUGH me today." So, I pray for her and her son. Then I pray for myself and my son. Then I feel better. Not saying I'm some kind of "super Christian", just saying what's working for me lately.

GB