BPDFamily.com

Venting... .I need to vent. I have had enough! This disease or whatever the heck it is so destructive, so absolutely hurtful, so crazy and insane.

Why, why why, do they pull this crap?

My ex, even though she is 2,000 miles away, seems to somehow know when I am having "low days"  when I'm trying not to think about and miss the great times I had with her. Sunday was one such day, and suddenly, I get a text message from her, asking me how I am doing... as if she genuinely cared.

Why did I not just ignore it? I provided a nice, civil reply to her.

Then... .two days ago, and into yesterday, I start getting vile, insane, text messages from her, including her telling me she's been with another guy, that she's "out to have fun," and messages with insane accusations (same old, same old about me having hundreds of other women, blah blah blah), and I am about to blow my top.

Why the hell would she be telling me she's been with another man? How vile and disgusting and hurtful can they be?

I ended up calling her sister last night, because this just has to stop. Her sister was actually quite open to what I had to say and admitted she thought the ex has some form of a mental illness, but does not know what to do.  I told the sister that I'm about to snap... .getting these insane text messages. I don't want to change my cell phone number (and my provider does not have a way to block messages) because so many of my clients  have that number.

I have seriously had enough, and I told the sister that if this crap continues, I'm going to snap. For some stupid reason, the ex used to accuse me of "publishing" information about her on the Internet. Which is bizarre - my business IS web development and search engine optimization, but to go out, put up a site, publish her name and tell stories is something I have not done. This is the only place, anonymously, where I've posted anything about our insane relationship because of the support that is offered here.

At one point, when she made this accusation, I sat down with her, and said, "OK Darling... I understand how that would make you feel if I had done that. Here is a way for you to find out if I had. If I had done that, and wanted the world to know, then we'd find something in Google or Bing, right? So let's do a search together on your name and my name, and let's see what we can find."

Of course, we found nothing, because there is nothing!

But that didn't satisfy her. Her response to that was, "Well, you probably have a secret website somewhere."

Hellloo?  How do you prove a negative? And if I had a "secret website," (which I don't), how is that publishing the sordid details to the world and her friends?

Anyhow, she is continuing to make these insane accusations against me, two months after she announced to me that she was "looking for another relationship," (which was ten days after she asked me to marry her!), I also know she is blackening my name and reputation to others, and I am just about to blow my top here.

I have photos and records of all the text messages, I have all the emails that show her insanity, I have the evidence of her betrayals of me, and I am almost at the point where I AM GOING to publish it, if she continues sending me these insane hurtful vile messages.  I have told the sister that. I am not putting up with this anymore. I am done with it. The ex might have the freedom of speech to make her vile allegations against me, and might have the right to not take responsibility for the destruction she has left in her wake, but at some point, I have the right to defend myself against her nonsense.

As far as I am concerned, if she has broken up with me and then wants to tell me she has been with other men, she has lost her own privacy to that information. Does she not get that? What obligation do I have to protect her "privacy" or whatever she keeps talking about needing or wanting? How insane is that, that she has broken up with me, expects me to protect her "privacy" but tells me she has been with some other man? Oh yeah... and it was "for fun. Not for love."

How does a person maintain their own sanity when reading this stuff?

I am at a point where I feel like I NEED to publish the details of this crazy insane relationship, after what I am hearing and what I am receiving from her. She won't stop!  Why will she not stop?  Why does she send me a text message out of the blue, asking me how I am doing, and then a couple of days later, a stream of text messages filled with vile lies, insinuations, accusations, and an admission she's been with another man?

This is a 50 year old woman, for God's sake! The utter, sheer frustration I am feeling is about to blow. Why can't she just leave me alone?  What is this insanity, that she feels the need to tell me she is with other men, to have fun with them? Two months after she has broken up with me? Why does she still feel this need to be destructive?

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST LET ME BE?

If you do not have any children with this person... .change your phone number and DO NOT give it to anyone who in turn would give it to her.  It's soo tempting to NOT do something that simple... .because if they are texting or contacting us it means they are thinking of us. And that in itself is validating. If you are unable to change your number (for business reasons or something) the phone company or sometimes your phone itself allows you to block a number.  Try not to get caught up in the meaning of the words... .they are after all just words... .and more likely than not, not even true.

I can't change my phone numbers - I have had them for years, they are on my business cards and are phone numbers that clients use to contact me.

My cell phone provider has told me that they cannot block her text messages.  I can block her number on my landline - if I do that, she gets a message saying "The person you have called is not taking calls from this number" which only would make her angrier to hear that and more likely to react in an insane manner.

I have a blackberry, there seems no way to block her messages from showing up. I can't "not" read them, because I get text messages from other people, including my children, and there's a preview of all text messages in the list.

I just want her to stop. It's insane, it's driving me insane, it's hurtful, it's cruel, it's vile, and I am not going to be subjected to this  any longer without some repercussions to the person subjecting me to it.

Have you considered filing harassment charges?  If you have no way to block her; then you might want to let a judge do it for you.

OR

Why don't you just ignore it?  Part of the BPD dynamic is our "jumping to attention" in playing our role.  If you change your role, she will change eventually too.  If you stop responding, you stop feeding the BPD push/pull cycle - you do have control over your actions.

NOW, be patient and kind to yourself; we all learn this lesson the hard way.  Look within, what in you makes you know the facts yet think she may be different? 

Don't read it.  Why is it that you keep expecting a different outcome from the relationship?

If one person accused me of something I didn't do, say... .drowning a basket full of puppies, I certainly wouldn't create a website announcing to the World that I'm not the type of person who does such a thing (how dare they suggest this!) nor would I wish to go out and drown puppies just to prove them right.

I just wouldn't dignify it with a response.

Reacting to it only fuels speculation that I'm invested in the outcome of something that's false- which is to say, I'm protecting myself against an allegation that I've determined wrongly *has* an outcome.  So let's determine what the outcome could be in the aftermath of a false accusation. Obviously it would serve to keep me invested in an emotional exchange with ONE person concerning a fight over my identity. We'll call that "splitting" good from evil.

Would the outcome of this splitting exchange be any different than if I had ignored the accusation in the first place? No- I'm still going to be split. But, it would definitely cause me a tremendous waste of energy in response to the ONE person who determines if I'm good or evil for the moment. In the end I would be exhausted, undermined and foolish for even thinking that I could barter in exchange for some peace of mind- from ONE person who so easily changes their mind and determines my fate.

You must come to terms with the importance of this person and their disordered thought. Then you need to address your thought as well as others. Somehow you've managed to feel very much an outsider to this family group- so much so that you are investing the outcome of your identity in their hands. The thinking that you are able to control your Ex and her sister's thinking is the greatest lesson of all to overcome in the aftermath of this relationship.

When allegations are false, there isn't a need to justify them as false- you simply ignore them. You don't create websites and threaten people with reactive measures that serve to dig yourself deeper into the melee. You simply don't react.

Your life is always what you make it in spite of the people who are affecting your sanity. Let go of the exchange with them. Do not respond. It is in your best interest to heal from this and the only way you can is to take responsibility for your own behavior by blocking the need to return volley- not only to her but also her sibling.  |iiii