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I think last night was finally my breaking point.  In as much as I want the idea of this relationship to continue... .the reality of this relationship is killing me.  To give you some context: I'm in grad school a long way from home (and therefore my support network) and within the last month have found out that my dog has incurable, fast growing cancer.  Yesterday I had a day from hell to put it lightly.  My dog has become clinically in pain again after a surgery 6 weeks ago to alleviate some of her pain (ie, the cancer is growing and I can't do anything about it), then I got raked over the coals by one of the doctors in my program over the course of 24 hours around that.  I'm just absolutely overwhelmed and at my breaking point.  (Before I go any further, I am taking steps to deal with my own issues.  I'm in a country where therapy isn't reliable but I've been in talks with my doctor at home about med changes and have people looking out for me here as well).  Last night the one thing that I wanted/needed was to talk to my fiance and be able to just get away from it all.  I honestly was and still am struggling with the desire to continue, period.  He called me briefly and told me that he was going to a friend's house to hang out for the night.  I told him that I had really counted on him being there for me because I was worried about what the night would bring.  Long story short this led to him calling me every name in the books, telling me that I was controlling for not wanting him to go out with his friends, telling me I was throwing a tantrum, etc.  It all made me realize that he will never be there to meet my needs... .no matter what they are.  His will always come first.  I don't think I can take it any more.  I'm at my lowest point and he just bailed on me to go hang out with his friends? Classy.  He's been verbally abusive for a long time and I've stupidly put up with it... .last night needs to be the last straw.  How do I do this? How do I let go when I feel like everything around me is already collapsing.  I thought I could count on that aspect of it to be stable, but just like every other time when I have needs it sends him in to a tailspin.  I want off this roller coaster.  I need to focus on myself more now than ever and he's bringing me down further.  How do I make the break?

notgivingup,  Hi! (I like your name)


Good. That rollercoaster will continue to run up hills of hope and fall into valleys of uncertainty. Last night you reached a pinnacle- if only for a moment, where for a split second you took a look around with your head above the clouds and reached clarity.  This person that you wanted to count on could not be counted on- and for no good reason! You see, if you hadn't had your best friend's crisis and weren't faced with tough circumstances, you may have continued down again on the rollercoaster into the valley of "not sure why" only to get filled up with "hope" again and then back down into "not sure why," etc. etc. over and over and over.

Your beloved best friend is showing you something that's very important for happiness.  You are there for her comfort and needs, but who is there for yours? Especially when you need it most? That is a fine gift of clarity to receive from a dear old friend who loves you and wants the best for you.  And when you reach this moment of clarity, it really does give you the power to get away from the cycle of hope and uncertainty to make a decision that you are certain about. You are certain! You don't need to argue about it.

You can begin by taking back the energy that you once directed outwardly into lost objects in "hope."  Whether you wish to admit it or not, your energy has been lost in a person who does not reciprocate it as he should- he only takes.  What you need now is to place a stop on that energy drain and direct it toward yourself.  You'll need it for the coming months as you prioritize.

You don't need to tackle a move right now if your work load at school is too severe. What you need instead are boundaries that are non-negotiables. Taking back the energy you give from self centered people is impossible, so let go of past failures.  Your plans to focus on yourself can create a bargaining atmosphere- you don't want that. You owe no explanation for your inwardly directed focus- only respect. Give yourself respect first and take nothing less from others. You'll soon feel less anxious about your priorities.

In order to help with the boundaries, make a list of priorities like those found in Covey's Quadrants:

www.dkeener.com/keenstuff/priority.html (http://www.dkeener.com/keenstuff/priority.html)

    Quadrant I - Important and Urgent

    Quadrant II - Important but Not Urgent

    Quadrant III - Not Important but Urgent

    Quadrant IV - Not Important and Not Urgent

As you look through these, I think you'll agree that your best friend's needs are QI: important and urgent.

Or you can use the ABC method, it ranks tasks into three categories:

    A = vital

    B = important

    C = nice

Your pets needs are vital. To be comforted is all three, vital, important and nice.  This is a non-negotiable, so don't argue with someone who defends against this. You are right to walk away from any person who chooses to determine your priorities for you and then makes you feel badly for it.

If things get rocky, then by all means necessary find a new place. The board will be here for you when you need support. 

I hope your best friend has a safe passage. Having you in her life means everything and she must know how much you care. You have each other at the moment, and loss will occur when you least expect it- but you'll know you did the best you could and she had a happy, wonderful life- filled with joy and surrounded by people who loved her. Now, it's time for you.  

 

2010, as he so often does, has ferritted out the practical side better than I could- so I am offering a    

remember that you are important and you must take care of yourself first.

Notgivingup, Over 15 years ago, I was in the same positon with my unBPDxh.  I was in graduate school, separated, 3 kids.  Every time things got so stressful I would try to call my Ex for comfort or even physical help with things, kids, etc.  I finally figured out it wasn't working.  I just plain could not go to him with any expectation of anything but trouble.  It was really so hard at first, miracle really we made it.  Many very low times felt like I couldn't go on.  I am saying hang in there I lead a good life now on my own terms.  Other challenges now, but not him, or my current husband.  Think about what you want for your future and go for it.  Hugs.

  I'm so sorry you are going through all this pain notgivingup.    How do you do it? You just be done. You don't have to expalin or apologise. You just start focusing on you like you said. Finishing school is about your livelihood and will serve you well in your future. What a tremendous acomplishment! You are an adult and you can take care fo yourself how ever you want, you have that power. I wish you strength and peacefulness. You and your dog are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Dear notgivingup, I can so relate ~ especially with your concern regarding your beloved pet.

One of the instances when I too said to myself "I can't do this anymore" was when my best friend of 18 years, my beautiful little dog, was in the final stages of her life.  One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was make the decision that her life was untenable and out of love, deep love - knew that the kindest thing I could do was allow her to sleep forever over the rainbow bridge. 

Arrived at the vet for that final moment, and my ex (who had always been jealous of my attachment to my gorgeous little friend) came with his only comment as I stepped out of the car with my wee dog, now incontinent, wrapped in towels - "You've got dog sht on your leg".

It still burns me up.

Hugs to you,   

Sealie