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I was reading this in another thread and wondered if a BPD person splits you black from a long term relationship, i know they dont see any good qualities about you or remember them. but over time, will ceratin triggers set them off to start remembering good things about you and they slowly split you back to white? or when they start getting angry at their replacement for not fufilling their expectations, do they start to remember the good about you?

I'm sure they must sometimes have good memories because so many of them wouldn't be so quick to attempt to re-engage with their exes when their current or new relationship doesn't work out as they'd hoped.

It's sad to think an ex might never have fond memories of your time together.

My BPDgf had her first huge BPD explosion that nearly ended our 24 year relationship on the spot last summer. All she could do was recite a laundry list of slights, criticisms, invalidations, and other emotional abuses she accused me of perpetrating on her over the last 10 years. This came out of nowhere (from my perspective) so I was totally blindsided by the attack. It seemed as though she had suddenly pulled a grudge diary out of her head. I was deemed the blackest of black targets and took quite an emotional blow that even now feels like a punch to the gut. Fortunately (?) we are still together and just maybe we will be able to save "us." Maybe I got a little whiter? Who knows?

Hi Brad,

I've been following your posts for quite a while. I'm so glad you're now in therapy (mine starts soon)

Brad, if my experience resonates with you at all then please read on. If it doesn't then discard and ignore.

I was convinced that me and my ex were perfect for each other, she was just going through a phase.

I went to therapy based upon her projections onto me. My control issues, my critical issues. I wasn't consciously lying to my therapist, I genuinely wanted to address these horrible things, I was disgusted at myself, a vile, sub-human being. I really wanted to address my issues and get my angel back.

The truth was, she was never my angel. I just couldn't let go.

There's an undercurrent of hope in your posts that she'll come back and you'll be able to work it out. After all, she was manipulated by her womaniser boss.

You deserve better Brad, you CAN'T change anyone else. No really you can't. They have to want to change and that's only the first step.

And after they change, will they still want you?

The second b/u is alot more painful than the first.

You deserve better, it's going to get better.

Alot of the things you did were totally right. It can't work.

 Guys, we need to stop wanting our fix of heroin.  When we go back to them, things will NOT get better.  After a short "honeymoon" they will be worse than before.  Because they know we're hooked... Us going back reinforces their behavior and ill treatment of us.  Go NC and stay NC.  Life is too short to waste it being abused by someone who is mentally ill.

   Brad imagine you are a toy in a pile of toys owned by a 3yr old. You were a new toy at one time. Played with and carried around for a while, no other toy would do at the time, you were the best toy ever! Till she saw an even newer, even more sparkley toy... you were thrown back into the pile... .well shes going to get tired of the newest of the new and when she finds you again she'll remember oh you were fun for a while... she'll pick you up, if you let her, play with you again till something newer and more sparkley comes along again. Back in the pile you go... .that is really how it is. You will always belong to her pile of toys until you escape the toy box.

I have been reading your posts and you take the words from my mouth... .

The struggle to accept that illusion is just a mental illness makes the detachment so difficult

How can an intense and incredible feelings is nothing but a typical symptom of sickness that is considered almost incurable!

The excitement to play with the new toy... .they can't resist the temptation to always find a new one

The scary thing that might happen when they break the old toy before discarding it... .and thus becomes no longer functional and it will no longer even belong to the toy box... .it will be discarded in the trash

oo good point too!

Good point! Being painted completely black is when its in the trash n if partly black they are tired of it. But you hit the cord on that one! Excellent point of view

Yes. All people do this in the aftermath of a failed attachment. Splitting is done to preserve the ego, but memories remain of the good and the bad. Cluster B people cannot keep both ideas of reference equal in the same object- in other words they cannot see people as having both good and bad qualities that exist together- they only see or "split" people into good or bad.

The toy box analogy is only for Narcissists who have a grandiose self. The Borderline has a deficient self and does not have the capacity to use people like toys. In the Borderline mind, they *are* the toy.

Thank you for pointing that out... .and it rings true in my r/s with my exBPDgf. Thank you 2010