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A lot of my fellow "addicts" suggest being good to yourself during these tough times following departure from BPD Hell.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that?  I haven't found a way to stop the ruminating, etc.  What exactly does "be good to yourself" mean in this case?   I bought myself a new car.  It didn't do the trick.  Thanks for suggestions, folks. 

Blender!

Two things to do and I can give you references to studies that show it promotes a healthier over all well being is excercising and eating the right amount and type of calories... .this goes way beyond physical health... .even though that is part of it... .but excercise literally helps you clear toxins, and actual "negative chemicals" which in turn promotes positive neurochemicals to help the body and mind relax. Not sure about restricting calories, but you need to get enough for daily routine, and that depends on body weight... .indulge somewhat... but I would advise against overeating food for comfort... .that would be trading one addiction for another... .

One universal thing to do whether man or woman, is to get a massage... .take a trip if you can... .no matter how short... .take that new car somewhere away... .grab a hotel, priceline one is you are worried about money, priceline a flight... go towards healthy people... .another thing to do is to re-evaluate any explotative relationships you have... .friends or family... .and consider limiting exposure to them and also changing the dynamics... .I literally shed two friends, and have changed the dynamics in all of my friendships/family memebers that were not mutually healthy or were not being reciprocrated... .if someone does not take the time to reach out to me, then I will not overextend myself to reach out to them... .

One lesson I had to learn is being comfortable being alone... .I can say it gets better I was actually alone in San Fran on Christmas Day in a hotel, shed a tear or two there, but realized my lonliness is not related to the my X, they are two different situations, not the same... once I seperated that out it got alot easier, es;ecially today... .I am alone, wont be doing anything tonight, but you know what? I am fine with that, because I will not have to endure hearing " That's a pretty girl, I bet you would want to be with her" when I honest to God wasnt even looking at anyone... .

   

MM

Great feedback MM.  Exercise is indeed my drug of choice.  I've been running for 19 years.  It keeps me sane.  The lonliness/beng alone is the tough part.  I too will be in and alone.  Your suggestions are well taken and appreciated.  There is no easy fix here.  I've got to learn to understand that.

Give yourself the time and patience to feel your emotions.

Buying big ticket items is not going to make you core happy.  Getting to core happy happens by letting ourselves feel the pain so it gets out of our body.

Things that are good for you:

massage (excellent suggestion)

exercise

meditation/prayer

eating healthy

limited alcohol

Go to therapy

cry when you are sad

have friends that let you "be" in the space you need to be to heal

be ok cutting away people that drain you

read for pleasure and for knowledge

learn something new you always wanted to do

play with a dog/cat - animals have amazing ability to help heal

Again, give yourself the same compassion you would give anyone else who is hurt... .time and patience

Hi Blender!

   Sorry this is a tough time for you.    I love all of the suggestions made here. I think they are all great and will give you lots to choose from. If I may add one more thing for you to think about. Do some volunteer work. For me, nothing has been better for feeling good than to give of yourself to those with far worse problems than our own. You will feel a sense of accomplishment, and self worth that can't be rivaled elsewhere. The appreciation you will feel can help to heal all wounds. Look around your area. I'm sure there are any number of worthy causes that could use extra hands, especially at this time of year! Hang in there friend, you're on the right track for just acknowledging your feelings and reaching out to others here for help.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Being good to you means finding and doing the things that bring happiness, health, and comfort to you. Things that come at no expense to others or only bring goodness to others along with you. 

It's great advice.  And the more you love on yourself, the stronger you will become, and the more you'll attract the right things into your life. 

I think this is excellent advice as well because it does give us the perspective that life can be much worse, and so many people need help... .but... .this was two fold for me... .I trauma blocked by comparing my life to my two cousins who were severely abused and beaten... like 9.5 out of 10 scale... .where I was humiliated every week, phsyically abused monthly, and emotionally abused daily... .I compared my childhood as being ok when put up against theirs... .truth is... mine sucked and was hellish emotionally... .so I would caution about comparing until after self validation and proper perspective has been obtained... .but as I stated I think its an awesome example... .just giving my own caution I had to it... .also don't help out of a white knight syndrome in trying to fix things... that might be another pit to watch... .

Sorry if it seems Im being negative, just cautious during the healing process.

MM

|iiii  Brilliant post MM!

2010

Thanks brother for everything, the information you have laid down has been a great help... .I think the first thing I read of yours really p*ssed me off I didn't buy it... until I relaxed and found out I was so p*ssed because it was true and you hit home... .

You have helped me tremendously in my healing process... .thank you for taking the time to explain things in such great detail... .you are for sure wise, helpful, and a beacon for many of us lost... .


MM

I built the my deck of my dreams, went to the concerts I wanted to go to (she would have just btched), and am going to buy a Harley in two months, none of which I would have ever been able to do if I was still with her. In short, I'm doin the things I always wanted and some that I never thought I would be able to accomplish... .I have peace, calm, quiet and serenity once agian for me and my son, none of which come easy for anyone... .pursue your dreams, concentrate on your career, move on and become as sucessfull as you possibly can, it's good for you and they can't stand the thought of it. It's not enough for these people to destroy relationships, they are out to destroy you personally, they will always remain bitter hatefull and jealous... .best to just move on.

very nice

For me, I'm pampering myself with inexpensive perks. I got my hair highlighted ($35) and a snazzy manicure ($18).

I'm also taking the time to rebuild my life and take care of the things that I really let slide. I'm really embarrassed to say this, but the turmoil and roller coaster of being with my pwBPD for so many years really turned me into a codependent whackjob. My house looked like something out of freaking "Hoarders". (Thank God none of you know me in real life). A few days ago, I totally cleaned out the cupboards and threw out all the old boxes lurking way in the back, and I've been purging a lot of clothes and knickknacks. I'm doing menu planning and balancing my checkbook. I'm doing small household repairs that have been neglected for months.

I've been working out more often- which I hate, but it's part of my job  lol (I'm in the military). And it feels good AFTER I hit the treadmill for half an hour.

I haven't volunteered per se (I tend to donate $$$ rather than time), but during our annual campaign at work, I spent a lot of time going thru a lot of charities and picked which ones are meaningful to me.

I will probably also get another energy work session. Okay, if you're not into woo-woo, that's totally okay. I feel a bit sheepish admitting it- but Hey! I don't know if it's the essential oil on my feet, the music with whales and dolphins, or the rocks she puts on my chakras. All I know is I pass out and wake up an hour later totally calm, centered, balanced and full of peace and tranquility.