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Title: Insight on the damage done Post by: Fish on January 05, 2012, 11:15:09 PM I have been working through detachment from my uBPDw of nearly 19 years (4 kids between us). I have accepted, and am comfortable with, the fact that the marriage is over (never really happened actually) and will end in divorce. That was a heckuva a hard place to get to because I went "all in" when I said my vows, intended for them to be a lifetime commitment to her in sickness and in health and all of that, and my Catholic religion teaches me that a valid sacramental union between spouses is indissoluble in this life. A lot of suffering, agnonizing introspection, and a probable ulcer have gone into working through those issues.
As I worked through them, I came to understand very clearly that I have been abused, exploited, and betrayed by her. But the single greatest insight has been what nearly 19 years of that treatment and my toleration of it had done to me. It is this: I had gradually come to believe at a deep level that I was unworthy of love. Not unlovable, not undeserving, not unentitled, but unworthy of being loved. That was when I touched the bottom and pushed off to go back to the surface of reality and myself. It was, in fact, the exact moment of clarity in which I saw my damaged condition for what it is and could no longer accept it. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience. Title: Re: Insight on the damage done Post by: 2010 on January 06, 2012, 02:15:48 AM Excerpt It is this: I had gradually come to believe at a deep level that I was unworthy of love. Not unlovable, not undeserving, not unentitled, but unworthy of being loved. That was when I touched the bottom and pushed off to go back to the surface of reality and myself. It was, in fact, the exact moment of clarity in which I saw my damaged condition for what it is and could no longer accept it. Yes. But you had to learn this by trial and error. Humans are not perfect and not being perfect, we sometimes suffer shame in ourselves as we perceive personal failure. The toxicity of shame determines whether or not we recover to become whole again. It is exactly this human connection that has been studied by Brene Brown. www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html) Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability To be whole, let yourself break. To be straight, let yourself bend. To be full, let yourself be empty. To be new, let yourself wear out. "suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life" |iiii Title: Re: Insight on the damage done Post by: captainkirkz on January 06, 2012, 06:55:51 AM To be whole, let yourself break. To be straight, let yourself bend. To be full, let yourself be empty. To be new, let yourself wear out. "suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard these both as facts of life" |iiii Profound stuff 2010. On reflection ... . I went through the process, without knowing of BPD at the time, 14 years ago. Same old story, whirlwind romance, idealisation, devaluation, push/pull, sudden r/s death. What i found at the time though is that i came out of it eventually as a much, much stronger person so at the end of the day i had benefitted greatly despite the huge trauma at the time. With reference to the above statements ... . Maybe i went back and put myself through all that with the same person for a 2nd time absolutely knowing the dangers but choosing to be broken, bent, empty and worn out as i was low and lacking direction(my previous, totally brilliant partner died) and that is what i needed to regenerate myself into a better, stronger and faster new 'ME'(the previous outcome). Maybe my uBPDex is ultimately a force for the good and i just used her 2nd time round as a stepping stone. I know myself that there is some truth in that. |