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Ok... I am trying... .I am really trying.  I was so strong and now I have been bombarded with emails from her.  This one came through my Blackberry because we were having problems with our server at work and I read it.  The subject of it is:  I will never hate you (but it sure sounds like a lot of blaming)... .I want to defend myself but I will remember belief #3 "Belief that the rs problems are caused by some circumstance or by you" and belief #7 "that if you say it louder you will be heard"  So... .here is goes   

OTB, I will never ever hate you. I will always see the woman I fell in love with. I know that she is there, too. I am very sorry, that you feel the need to hate. You expect forgiveness, but you don't give it. Bitterness is the consequence out of this. I hope you will not die full of it. You have a great heart and so much to give. But I guess you are afraid to put it out there and to be vulnerable - I know how sensitive you are... And yes loving means forgivness and accepting to be vulnerable. Go on and play the hard way - you will not find happiness in it. I wish you the best and I hope you can change this - just to become happy.

I love you, OTB - or the OTB I once saw. But it is no longer important - this is obvious. Just ask yourself and perhaps discuss it with someone, why you have people like you do. I am sorry.

I love you, OTB, I do. You were all to me. Because I saw the beauty in you. I hope you become happy. And I wish you would be more honest with your next partner. As I will be - I will set some bounderies this time.

I feel kind of used - emotionally and financially. But it will not take over - it will not.

I love you and despite all a soft kiss on your cheek.

myexBPD

And if blaming me in front of others helps you, then so it will be. Me, I will never go back to my family and friends and tell them they were right with their oppionion about you - because I know there is more to you. This gentle.loving woman, that is so afraid to be hurt again and rather hurts others.

I love you. I do. Be well. And never treat a loved one like you did to me, please. They don't deserve it. Nobody deserves it. Never.

If only we could chop their fingers off.

Stop reading... .stop reading... .stop reading. Lather, rinse, repeat.

:)

M

And... .these two emails were after the BIG one... .with the message in the subject line

-and one more thing - think about what kind of example you are to your son. always hating, because it is easier... .you want him to become like you?

-and you know that it is really hard not to hit back at you, because there is a lot I could say

Well, it seems like she's trying to provoke a response out of you. Those emails, and I don't know you, are making even MY heart pound, so I would say try not to dwell on them. They want any attention they can get, so this is her way of trying to elicit that out of you.

I know what a pain this is, because I had to do it with three accounts, one of them my work account--but can you close your email account and get a new one?

M

Yes it is quite disturbing.  I was doing good at deleting them without reading but she has done psychological warfare on me and I cracked and started to read them again.  I know nothing good will come from them.  The one yesterday accused me of having a new gf and I hope you take care of her.  I so wanted to respond to that.  This is my work account so I can't get an new email.  She knows the buttons to push and if you read that and didn't know me you would think I was the biggest b*tch on the planet.  I ended it and told her that I "set her free" because I couldn't give her what she wanted (the committment to move there).  So would she rather me stay with her and lie to her about moving there and then when 2013 comes tell her I can't.  That would be hate and wrong.  They make me sick... .sick... .sick... .

From their pespective, we have caused much pain and harm.  That is HER pespective, let her have her own perspective, don't respond, don't JADE... .(justify, defend, explain)... .her reality is her own.  Let her be with her own reality.  Not your job to change it for her and you never will anyway!  You never will!  I know that things I did, for my own self preservation, probably felt awful and hurt my ex, too... .so be it.  Boundaries always felt awful to him, that's okay, they are still my own boundaries.  She feels you hurt her.   Let it go.   We don't have to talk them out of their persepctive. Don't respond, don't do anything but know... .this is how SHE feels.  So what?  She has a right to her own feelings.  It doesn't really have anything to do with you... .unless you respond and then it does involve you.

Ok OTB - how is her compulsion to email any different than your compulsion to keep reading it?

You cannot control her; but you do have the ability to control yourself. :light:

Point taken... .I am trying.  I have a new system and since it is in place, hopefully that will help.  It's hard... .she's wearing me down... .

you are right MaybeSo... .I know my reality and that is what I will remember.  I need to stop reading, but when you get worn down... .like I have been... .it's so hard.  I am trying and I will try harder.  However, I have not responded to her since the Christmas day email.  I am hanging tough.  I feel like I am in war

yep - it's hard (in case you are wondering... .it is harder for a pwBPD to recover than this, so... .)

As Yoda says, don't try - do or don't do.

For me, I paced, cried, posted, went for walks - but you have the power to stop reading her stuff.  Are you addicted to the drama a bit, maybe?

Well OTB, you've got yourself in a downright dilemma. You've managed to unlock the key to your past in this one relationship. She's now getting into your head and you have thoughts of defending yourself. Since you've been raised to not talk about things in your family, especially when they bothered you- she's your modern day cipher that opens the door to communication. Here you are in a similar situation without being able to talk and be heard concerning your needs. So let's figure out want you want to do.

1) Communicate your needs

2) Keep silent

I'm sure if you had a choice in the matter- everything would be rosey and life would be glorious and you and she would be together and talk this out.  Your needs, wishes, hopes, dreams (that were all listened to in the beginning) would be shared and life would be good.

But this person isn't the one. This person is a "transitional" object for you after your marriage and the "one" is waiting in the wings while you get this sorted out= "purged" as you said in a previous post. This is a complex mechanism of pain, sorrow, denial and loss for you to handle-your marriage and the relationship- but you're going to find your voice during the process. Eventually, you'll need to come to terms with the fact that you will not be heard by the person you wanted most, especially when there is so much emotion and chaos.

Because you are trying to overcome a childhood dynamic of vocalizing your needs in a family of origin that did not talk- you've found a person who is VERY vocal, as well as emotional. Despite the uncertainty you feel about the partnership- you still harbor hope, because at least she vocalizes her needs.  As you said, your family didn't talk about things- and here you are again reactivating these old feelings by going no contact on someone who is vocal with her emotions at the surface and somewhat accessible.

The communication is what you think you need. While that may be true- due to your family of origin, the reality here is that the emotional dysregulation, distorted belief system and persecutory blame and vocalization are what she needs to work through her own pain too and it has nothing to do with you. These beliefs were in place long before you met each other.

The energy that comes from a person with emotional dysregulation is often at the surface- because shallow emotions are without depth.  But it's also distorted beliefs- about persecution, abandonment and anger.  These beliefs do not allow for opposing viewpoints- because this is a disorder.

When you reengage and begin discussions, thinking that this is a normal break-up and not a disorder- it's called malignant hope. Some people continue on this path until they exhaust all hope for being heard.  They eventually come to a realization that this is exactly how they felt in childhood.

Discuss where you are in the balance between hope and uncertainty with your T.   |iiii

OMG it 'sounds' just like my ex'es emails... .so creepily similar.

Remember, they are trying to appear to take the 'high road' so that they don't have to examine their behaviour that led to the end of the relationship. Anything to guilt it back on to you... .

No... I am not addicted to the drama.  I want her to go away, but it is a constant pressure from her.  I always wanted even, fair, healthy conversations and a rs with her.  It never got there.  I think and a odd way it is that she still wants me... .in a weird warped way.  To be truthfully honest.  She hit me hard again... .telling me I don't have any friends and I can't trust.  I am getting to that in therapy... .a father that left, a mother emotionally not available, a family that doesn't share emotions, getting teased in middle school by peers, denying my sexuality... .so I went into a cocoon.  Far deep where no one could reach me.  I came out of it in my 30's and became more confident.  However, I find it difficult to trust, because of the hurt I have.  I have made tremendous progress since then in being a confident person.  Thru my awesome T, I identified why I stayed in this rs so long. 

Ok... .damn Yoda... .I DO... .no more trying.  Thanks OTB

2010, your posts are often so insightful that I think they are actually intended for me.

Just wanted to thank you.

OTB, they know exactly how identify the sore spots to hit you right where it hurts.

 

But now that you've been shown exactly where it hurts, you can begin to heal it... .

Picking up from 2010 insight; exploring where and when you felt this way before... .

Radical acceptance - your needs are not going to be met by her, so - how can you now meet your own needs?

Radical acceptance - your needs are not going to be met by her, so - how can you now meet your own needs?



Yes thank you I can add this to the list of 10 myths that are causing me to want to contact her... .a friend said to me "you are not going to find anything there"

Hi OTB   

It's human to care about someone you've had such an intense relationship with.

I've had no communication from my ex (lucky, I guess, in that respect) but at the same time I do feel quite jealous, at times, that she hasn't tried... Just one more hit, I can handle it 

It's just a speedbump, you'll be fine.

Another fabulous post from 2010.

hey 2010... .thank you for the thoughtful and insightful post.  I agree she is giving me the expression of feelings that my family didn't  or couldn't but you are right it is distorted.  I have thought a lot about my reality tonight... .and I will keep remembering my reality.  I have set up Outlook to automatically and permanently delete her emails that come in so I won't be tempted by her emails.  Hopefully, that will get me on the path to healing.  However, she has called me 3 times tonight and left a voice mail message which I didn't answer. 

If you want... .my ex can contact you? lol.  I have had 4 phone calls and 2 voice mail message in 10 mins tonight.  This is after this vile email she sent earlier today and the final one that said she learned her lesson and she was done.  I do have all her phone numbers set to silent so not to trigger a response in me.  That has been working just fine.  I think it is going to be a long night... .make that 3 voice mail messages