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I understand by letting go and maintaining NC, we are doing the kindest thing we can do for OURSELVES and for recovery from our experience, but how is ignoring and maintaining NC the kindest thing for them? I've read this and still unsure. Is it because we are no longer enabling them? Or triggers? I'm confused about this.

He is recycling me and I need a better reason for not allowing him back in. I know my sanity and health should be the most important thing and it is, but I still would like to know I am being kind to someone I love very much in spite of the chaos and hell he put me through!

We actually are their trigger - it is our presence (the intense emotion surrounding us) that brings up the abandonment/engulfment feelings.

Without a proper understanding of the SET tools, firm boundaries, and other techniques, we tend to make things worse due to the nature of the relationship.

You want for yourself what you give to other people. You’ve chosen a person who cannot reciprocate. This has kept you in a vicious cycle of trying harder and harder until you are exhausted and sick. That is the definition of dysfunction; a relationship of chaos and hell. Meanwhile, you hold out malignant hope that reciprocity will occur, creating a safe environment for you- but it’s never everlasting.


Borderline personality disorder is a lifelong pattern of thinking based upon persecution. It doesn’t matter if you are Mother Teresa or the most charitable person on the face of the Earth. Needless drama is what the relationship is all about.

Most people are not aware that the disorder is “past tense” now formulated to repeat in the “present tense.” You are also reliving a past conflict that also brings up your own insecurities. Once you become aware, the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your partner is to step away from each other and discontinue the drama. Otherwise, Borderline and its distorted perceptions rely on you to become involved to dramatize the emotions. This moves the distorted thinking back and forth like a swinging pendulum with *come. Here. Now. Go. away* behaviors.  Once you sense that, it's best to step out of the way.

If you take yourself out of the push/pull equation, there is no swinging pendulum. Both people will then enter an abandonment depression- which is a required step to self sufficiency.


In fancy terms, Borderline personality is the failure to enter the separation/individuation phase and then come out of abandonment depression without a rapprochement crisis. "Rapprochement crisis" is a term that Mahler used to signify a child's distress at being weaned from Mother. Being weaned successfully means suffering an abandonment depression.  Some people have never been weaned, they remain in paranoid/schizoid positions rather than go through abandonment depression. They look for recreations of primary attachments and then re-work the childhood trauma repetitiously due to unsuccessful weaning. This requires blaming others for the failure. Borderlines do not understand the concept of free will and a stand alone self.

Borderlines fail at the abandonment depression because it's just too scary, difficult and life threatening. This disorder is a pattern of failing the abandonment depression due to dissociative distress. "Who am I without you?" The pendulum swings back and forth due to splitting the part time self into good and bad.  Borderline thought also creates a horrible powder keg of masochistic angst and self punishment.

Significant distress attracts significant rescuers that the Borderline evaluates for attachment as a safety net. Most partners are very keen on describing themselves as caretakers and they have a very keen idea of who the Borderline is- themselves! The projective identification and mirroring sends both parties into the pink cloud- which is really a split by the Borderline into all good thinking in the beginning (until it becomes all bad.) When it becomes all bad, the caretakers tries harder and harder to get it (their mirrored self) under control.

Choosing people who are this easy to attach to and then feeling engulfed by them is the crux of the disorder.

“Killing with kindness” is also a learned trait for a caretaker persona. Caretakers need to ask themselves why they think they can show kindness to a disorder and then expect the disorder to die out based upon kindness. No one is that powerful. Alas, it's also part of the "danse macabre" that allows BPD to continue.

If you feel guilt about ending a care-taking relationship, it may be that you have learned to treat abusive people with kindness in order to survive a precarious childhood. It has served you well up until this point. Now you are struggling with letting go and feeling guilty about it.

You’re going to need to feel your emotions in order to get through this. That means letting go of the control you feel you have by being “kind.”

You’ll need to provide some kindness to yourself. It's OK to feel. It's also OK to let go.

The best thing that can come out of this is for a Borderline to be alone.  They need to be aware of themselves as separate entities without anyone else to blame.

You are going to have a fulfilling life in spite of being worried about being “unkind” to an abusive person. The authentic person inside of you deserves appreciation for your efforts. You did the best you could. Even if you think otherwise, you will eventually come to understand the lessons here. They are big ones- let them happen. You re not bigger than a disorder. The disorder always wins. Let go of the thinking that you could have changed it.

Each day, take a moment to turn away from caring for others and care for yourself. Your Borderline partner needs to also do this. Each of you need to be alone.


You did what you could. This is a life changing experience. Unfortunately, the Borderline partner will probably move on to another person (attachment) while you are worrying about being unkind. This is part and parcel of the disorder. It will also be a deeply emotional time for you and you must remain without contact in order to not get blamed. Any contact will hurt you. Continuing a friendship will only result in the blame game and get you pulled in again, perhaps even to play a part in triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with a new partner.


The best message you can send is no contact. This means that you will no longer tolerate the abuse. If you’ve been used to chaos and hell as the bulk of the relationship, your body/mind will need some time to process the post trauma stress. It’s best to not give yourself more stress by remaining in contact, even as “friends.”  Give yourself permission to heal and don't feel guilty about it.  |iiii

If somehow they do not succeed in putting another in place so easily - maybe as they are getting older - and you don't allow them to re-cycle you. . .what happens if they do end up alone for a time. . .do they ever come to having to face facts?

at odd times uBPDh would say

"Before you came along I believed I would be an interesting well traveled, lonely old man. "|>

I think that is the truth.

Sounds like  he KNEW he always disregulates to hell in RS

and I was sick and needy enough to ignore the  |>

the fact that he has not replaced me with another adds to my confusoin, but maybe Porn addiction fills that bill.

nobody around to trigger him.

He appears quite stable around everyone except me. in fact I can only speak a few sentences in his presence, and he completely disregulates, raging.  

It is helpful to see this happen, as it affirms what we are learning here... .that we have become their dysregulator.  Not nice for either one of us, or our precious child, who must be in his care 1./2 of the time.

Another reason I am committed to NC.  To make him more stable for our kid.

It makes me sad , and is an ego loss for me. as my ego was fed for so long by being "the Loved One"

sm 15000

The only time that I know my exgf sought therapy was when

one of her ex's dumped her and she went into a severe

depression.In hindsight the best thing I could have done

for both her and myself was said fine and walked away when

said  "she could not give me what I wanted in a relationship"

They seem to time the break when you least expect it.

So it is very hard to have the presence of mind to do it.

Anything other than walking away is playing their game.

My ex was very good at it. Like me stepping into the ring with Mike Tyson

to help him.

I do not know about you but when my ex split.

I saw a person that was nothing like the person that

I thought I knew.

I would guess people have been trying to save her from herself

for many years.Hard to believe that sweet,tender person  you thought

you knew and want to save could be so heartless could cause so much pain

in so many lives.When we were first together I think she may have thought

she loved me and believed the things she said.I do not know if there lies at that time.

After she split ,I am very sure she lies,knows she lies and justifies her doing it

Even if you want "to help" the only way you can is walk

away go NC.

Easy to see it with others.

I did not have contact today.I hope I do not tomorrow.

After about 2 months of NC ,I contacted her this week. 

It is hard I am just beginning to begin to see that

I can survive this and be happy.

Hi,


Well ... .you are being kind to them. They will NEVER change if you go back to them. It basically will validate all the terro and abuse you suffered. Things MAY appear to change for a while but there habits are from childhood and without serious help ... .they will not change one iota. Suddenly they will not grow empathy or be able to control their rages or whatever.

So you are being kind ... .not only to yourself ... .but to them. without work they will never change. You go back and its accepting everything as being normal.

being kind to yourself and putting yourself first may be and usually is alien for non's. We were and are the perfect hosts for vampires and emotional suckers.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST for once in your life. Now its all about you !  |iiii

YOU YOU YOU ... .not them.

Enough raving ... .I do understand where you are but sadly with a mother age 83 who has not changed all her life and an ex BPD partner who likely will be unchanged if she lives that long ... .  I cant imadgine going back now understanding the disease and BPD.

Good luck 

Thank you all for your input. I understand a bit more about why letting go is NOT an unkind thing to do. I thought by letting him back in, I was showing him there was someone that cared, that he wasn't alone. That to me is kindness and love. But I guess not to a Borderline... .

This moves the distorted thinking back and forth like a swinging pendulum with *come. Here. Now. Go. away* behaviors.  Once you sense that, it's best to step out of the way.

If you take yourself out of the push/pull equation, there is no swinging pendulum. Both people will then enter an abandonment depression- which is a required step to self sufficiency.


My x didn't rant & rave... .it was all about the push/pull equation & in the beginning I can now see the triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0).  however she didn't replace me once she left, although can internet dating / flirting etc etc become the other medium?

as time went on in our relationship i became crazy, completely conflicted! & yes the more i did for her to try and make everything ok the more she distanced!


i'm in the beginning stages of NC & having medical & therapy to support but i'm finding it incredibly hard to informally diagnose her with BPD as she appears to be treating the new love in her life completely opposite to me. 

So to continue the first question of the thread did I have it so hard because i was using all my skills sets as a life coach to try and help her reach her goals? i.e. these were significant triggers whereas other girlfriends i guess just acted like girlfriengs [going out, having fun, spending time together but not supporting otherwise]... .

the other thing which also has me in slight confusion is that when we continued our relationship as a sexless couple... .the push / pull stopped.  so can intimacy [not sex] also be a trigger?

BPD is a disorder of intimacy and closeness. if you are not very close, abandonment/engulfment fears do not get activated.

What a great thread!

So, pretending that it would be easy to get a divorce when there are kids involved, money issues, etc. - in a perfect world, even those married to BPDs should step away from them if they could?  The kindest thing you can do is step away so they have to face everything?

Two more questions:

2.)  How do you step away when you really can't - when you have to see and interact with the person every day at work?

3.)  If they are in therapy and getting help, is stepping away still the best thing to do?

Thank you!

Thank you so much 2010 for that excellent post.  That's one I will keep and reread when I am faltering.

Sadblueeyes, I am with you today... .feeling badly about NC.  He's sending me messages that make me feel guilty.  I know he is out there frantically trying to find that next person and just hasn't done so yet.  Yes, his behavior was often abusive, but I do not hate him... .just very sad. He has this illness because of a horrible childhood, so it is really not his fault. I do love him, but I know even friendship will just continue to hurt me. I still gently push him to get help, but at 50+ I know that's highly unlikely and it would take years.  Not really great about taking care of myself, but I am learning.

Here's an article by Pema Chodron on getting "unhooked" from things that you might find helpful: www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1610

I feel I am past the worst of this and able to stay away, but glad I have this board to read on days when I feel guilty about it.