BPDFamily.com

After reading much on this board, it has occurred to me that we have two basic situations that commonly arise:

1. Someone is desperately trying to rid themselves of their BPD.

2. Someone is desperately heartbroken because their BPD suddenly dumped them.

Wow.

I am #1.   And yes, I have been terribly "in love," or "enamored," with her or whatever term we wish to use.

And making her GO has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Making her STAY gone has been THE hardest thing I've ever had to do.

From MY perspective, YOU #2 folks - you've got it good.  Man, you've got it good!

I am actually having to make myBPD think I am #2.  More insult to injury, but worth it.

CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY!

Anyone else on this?

Weather we leave or they dump us , are we not going to grieve  the loss with  the same magnitude? Or is there more guilt behind letting go of your BPD  appose to getting dumped?

i think emotionally being dumped is harder, but having to dump might be more stressful.

 I know the guilt JD.I had to make mine hate me.I'm left with guilt,sadness,broken heart,loss,fear,you name it.

Those that were devalued have it a little harder I think.Neither is easy,but having that done to you,by someone you care deeply about, has got to be a difficult hurdle to get over.

I was basically "dumped" by my nonBPDwife years ago. Emotionally speaking.We still lived in the same house,ate the same meals,etc.,, but it was like she wasn't even here for me,except when she needed to complain or needed money or something. Since we've seperated,she asked how I was doing all alone with just the walls to talk to? (Kind of a mean thing to say when you think about it)Like it's a punishment for not doing exactly what she wants me to.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I couldn't even tell she had left.

Before dating the current xBPD (for 3.5 years) I briefly dated a NPD (for only 3 *months*).

The NPD dumped/devalued me.  It took me forever to get over that, because it triggered all sorts of issues of my own, in terms of rejection and abandonment, etc.

The xBPD is still trying to reel me in, a year after we broke up.   Although I have come to terms with the inevitable demise of the relationship and the futility of keeping any connection open, its ending did not trigger those same personal issues.  I hesitate to use the term, but it's somehow "flattering" to the ego to know that they are still trying to engage you, no matter how resolutely you know that there is no real relationship to be had with them.

I feel like I get to do both. I was the one who finally made him leave but he keeps pushing and pulling. He did everything he could think of to make me kick him out. Then when I asked him to leave I said I wanted a six month separation and he needed counseling and to see a doctor. He refused and then told people we were getting a divorce. It's a little complicated because even though I ended up being the one who kicked him out, he was choosing to leave the relationship.

I don't think he wants to come back but he still wants to control me. It's that whole "if I can't have you no one can" deal. That is what is hard to deal with. I have times where I have to push him away because he is trying to be my husband again and then there are times when he is clearly pushing me away (like if I ask him a question that he doesn't want to answer). We have kids together so it makes it hard to have a clean break but I really wish I could go NC. I only feel better when I have very LC with him.

Both in my experience have unique properties. To the person leaving, communicating this to the soon-to-be ex, especially when that ex isn't ready to be done is quite a burden. Being the "dumper," the person has go through the understanding necessary that this isn't for them and hopefully ending things nicely, with respect and with dignity to both parties.

Being the one who left my exBPD, I had great anxiety about the emotional upheaval that I knew would be coming. Oh boy, was it an emotional upheaval.  I tried to help with kindness see to it exBPD and her child were safely somewhere else. Her manic episode and chaos made me almost have a breakdown.

I believe the "dumpee" often feels robbed and emotionally like the carpet has been pulled out from under them. The finality and lack of closure can be distressing and can linger for quite a length of time.

Both are valuable experiences that give great understanding. Both can be painful, create anxiety and leave marks on you for months, if not years.

For me personally, the mourning intensity depends on factors. If I am being dumped with no real discourse or discussion. One day it's just - done - no closure or anything, that kills me.  Proper closure is needed. This is the most scarring situation.

If I'm ending the relationship, dynamics are different. The loss was in exBPD's case, the relationship I thought I was getting, the person she said she was - it was all an illusion. My mourning and pain were pushed to the limit over the prior months. By the time I decided it was time to go, it was a relief.

I'm babbling now, lol, coming back to your point, being dumped without closure in my case is far more psychologically painful. 

I think that a relationship with a pwBPD is emotionally traumatic for both parties... .us , and them (although they "cope" with it in a very different way to us).

Whether we choose to walk away, or we are discarded, is hard... .very hard.  It will open up old wounds and leave us confused, vulnerable and perhaps totally lost for a while... .

The great thing is that WE can attempt to be introspective and look at our role in the relationship.  WE can analyze the dynamic of how things developed and learn from our errors... .this will help US to make better choices in the future   |iiii


WE are the only ones who will bring ourselves closure from these dysfunctional relationships... .

Whether we run, or are pushed... .it is OUR choice to reframe our thoughts to get us to a healthier place... .

The lessons, workshops and posting here helps... .

Therapy helps... .

For some, meds help... .

Support from friends and family (even if they don't fully understand) helps... .

Looking after yourself helps... .

Understanding how serious BPD is helps... .

WE can choose to get better... .whether we are dumped, or choose to walk... .the same objectives will help us to heal... .




 

I've been dumped, and I know that at the end of the healing process I'm going to feel lucky and even blessed for that. 

But right now my heart doesn't feel that way.

Í think when you are the one who leaves there is an increased risk of being victim of violent acts from the pwBPD.

I think that being dumped by a BPD is harder. It was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and the pain has been almost unbearable at times. It seems that if you are the one who leaves the BPD, you would have on some level, a little more feeling of control.

After dealing with being dumped, and a few times of being "recycled" for the last year, I feel I am broken and will never be the same as I was before again. I finally am cutting off all ties to him and things are better than before but I would like to smile and feel happy again.  :'(

Its both hard I think, its heartbreaking when they dump us but its heartbreaking too how they manipulate and copy us again when we dump them. And in some cases it can be very dangerous to dump them without exit strategies.

I did both, first I dumped her. But i felt so lost, that she had a easy game with me to suck me back in. After that, she dumped me couple of times... .now I am so used to it, that it hurts like hell but at the same time I have to be careful to be strong enough to not fall for her again.

From a distance, with help of this forum, while I had NC for the first time since I know her, my exBPDs patterns are so predictable that I really ask myself why I didn´t stay strong, when I dumped her for the first time. Would have prevented me for a lot pain.

I learned to use the time now. I have time to breath and think about me now. Without NC like before, my mind would be constantly washed by her. My fixing impulse and my addiction was to strong to let her go.

From my experience, I would say that being forced to part from a pwBPD is worst as second thoughts circle around the mind constantly. Did I do the right thing? Have I done everything? What if I am the crazy one? Shall I try one more time?

Furthermore, it’s all this blame because we left, the hate and the silent treatment (to teach us a lesson) that is really annoying to the healthy mind.

sadly i don't believe anyone regardless of the jouney is LUCKY!


but there may be some differences in the level of being able to detach & move on?


Category 1:

I believe from reading the boards that some found worthy connections, deep love & intimacy with their x partners... .its not all about co-dependency, bad childhoods etc etc ... .sometimes lifes complexities can magnify & shape our relationships.  As such it seems plausible that those who have experienced full BPD / NPD or bi-polar may be able to take being dumped or walking away a little easier, despite having strong feelings, because you know what the future looks like, you know it WONT CHANGE & its killing you!  You have strong facts that drive the decision making.


Category 2:

However for some, their x partner showed various degrees of personality disorder or BPD traits which although annoying & at times hurtful they were / or are possible to live with if only you / we had the insight & knowledge to understand what was happening & why.  Once again stress, money, college, living away from home can all amplify personality traits... .& if you are not aware of them, or you are aware but don't have the insight then you tend to fight with them rather than being supportive.  In these situations finishing the relationship is hard because there are no hard facts, being dumped in this scenario is extremely painful... .or very hard because you can't say 'well i'm lucky because someone else can now deal with it / or i feel sorry for the next partner etc etc].

i am in the second category & WISH i was in the first as maybe, just maybe my reasoning & bargaining to move on would be easier as i would be dealing with facts not unknowns.  


Going NC, closing FB accounts, changing numbers, moving, even defriending shared friends, changing jobs are all practical things we can do.  :)espite being in enormous pain & still in love with my x [she dumped me by the way] i have done all of the above because now there is no way we will ever come into contact with each other again.  this is the only way i can heal & move on.  also i believe that getting out of the way is the kindest gift i could give her.

i've learnt from the boards that we trigger our partners & vice versa.  possibly by remaining in contact with her to convince her you are still enabling her.  i.e. NC is the only way for both to move on.

making the choice to break up is hard but when the choice has been made it's done and dusted. months of work has gone into planning to be without the person.

when the choice is out of your hands as it is in my case no time was spent thinking of a break up.

I think it may be easier for us to grieve and heal, after we have been broken up with, than it would be to try to grieve and heal while still being begged to come back.

Both with my dBPDxbf and my stbxUNPDh, I am the one doing the "running off" so I can't say for sure. I just know that the one other semi-serious r/s I was in with a sane person, I was the one who was left, and it was way easier than trying to break off with someone who didn't want to be left.

Newton:

I appreciate your post. It reminded me that I have the control to re focus myself and I had forgotten that. Thank You.

Hi! |iiii

I think both are painful, but I think being blindsided and not getting any closure would be worse. In both cases we invest a lot of hopes in the relationship, and it would definitely suck to feel like you had no choice but to leave, but at least in that sense you are doing what you feel is in your best interest. But to be under the impression that everything is hunky-dory and then BAM! you're taken out to the curb like yesterday's trash... .that was what happened to me. I've had bereavements that hurt less. The pain from that has been excruciating and unbelievable.

Great stuff, y'all !

I think both are almost one-in-the-same because the reason I left is because the BPD would/could not change.

That said I think it is hardest when there is infidelity and physical abuse.  Those two things are hard to recover from.  Luckily I did not have either, I left and it is hard as heck.

I kind of feel like I'm experiencing both... .sort of.

He ditched me - but said he wanted to be good friends - and now I am ditching him, as a friend. (I know that's not the same as ditching a partner.)

I feel guilty and sad about not contacting him or meeting up with him, etc. I know that it will be interpreted as 'You just don't like me any more - see? I was right, nobody likes me!' etc.

But the way he devalued me (after initally idealising me) and then eventually decided he wasn't interested 'in that way' any more, wow, that was so painful. Another person on this thread has used the word 'excruciating' and that's how I feel too.

So as for which is worse... .I can't say... .each situation has its downsides, confusions etc.

I think we can all probably agree that whichever way it freakin' well hurts.

CB xx

I think this is a question of hair splitting.  It does not matter which way it goes, the BPD is going to have the advanage over the non at first because they can so easily dtactch themselves.  However it will come full circle when the  non recovers and the pbd is stuck in the same place and the ~ begins. 

I think getting dumped is worse.  And I don't mean to have this sound arrogant and narcissistic when I say it.  But my exBPDbf (although I loved him) is no physical prize.  And I guess he isn't a mental health prize either.  I'm the one that is attractive, looks 10 years younger than 49 per strangers, has the education, and the well paying career.  And yet he dumped me and continues to reject me everytime I tried to meet his complaints/ needs.  The rejection by him of me, kills me.  I have to admit it.  He's a screw up and yet, he dumped me.  

Today is the 1st day of me moving forward with NC and no looking back.  But the last 6 months of getting to this mental state, have just about broken me.  Sometimes I just sit around dumbfounded with my mouth hanging open !  If it wasn't so sad to me, it would be comical.

dah

we all get dumb founded over that.  and often we are replaced by somone who has little to offer and that makes it even more strange.  Of course once you go no contract and they realize it they will be back in some way which makes it more confusing.

My is especially excruiating experience. She wanted me to have a very close relationship with her but just when it got closer and closer, suddenly out of the blue she pushed me away violently, accusing me of not sensitive to her feelings and causing her depression and anxieties (she was having major depressions and anxiety attacks even before I knew her). She then used this as a reason to say that I was abandoning her just when she need me most and proceeded to dump me like a piece of garbage.  I felt like being hit by an aluminum baseball bat on my head. 

What is more insulting is that in the night of that very same day she dumped me, I saw her clinging happily in the arms of the person whom she had being complaining bitterly to me previously, as being cold and insenitive to her feelings.

SO for me, being dumped for doing exactly what she wanted me to do, and then dumped without any reason at all and without being allowed an opportunity to explain was very painful. It was the feeling of absolute helplessness that makes the experience with being dumped by a BPD, so painful.

One thing I will say is that sometimes the BPD does something that forces the non to end the relationship, so the non ends up being the emotional dumpee, even if they technically ended things. It is a case of doing what is necessary even though you were completely invested in the relationship and so badly wanted it to work out.

Could not have said it better myself

GP44 That was my situation exactly, I told her there were multiple deal breakers in the relationship and she said she would tackle them one at a time... .going by her previous actions we would be looking at years.  I told her that was not acceptable and she told me to do what I had to do.  Then of course she painted me black for leaving her and not loving her enough.

My exes have never left me for anything better.  Physically, educationally, career wise. etc.  I don't get it.  I usually crack up when I finally see them out with their new "catch".  What a  joke.  I just stand around thinking I must be pretty bad if he went to that?  It leaves me speechless for days-- all I can think is WTH?

I'm NC as of today.  I can't take anymore of the rejection to my ego.  I feel like I need to check myself in to some caribbean retreat for a mental health vacation.  Wish I had the time and the money.  I just don't get it.  

The push/pull stuff is exhausting.  Melody Beattie said, it only ends when you want it to end.  She's right.  And I'm ending this joke before I end up on a funny farm.

Any drug is harder to quit when the dealer knocks on your door.  :light:

I don't know, my uBPDx cheated on AND left me. The hardest part for me, even a year later, has been the complete lack of closure as well as the shock of it all happening in the first place. It goes both ways really and it depends on the specific situation, but for me I feel like I was completely abandoned and that she never really cared in the first place... .and that hurts. After nearly three years together, for someone to go from saying you mean the world to them to being no more important than the dirt under their shoe over night is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

VC, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but the opposite would mean that you would still be in this relationship and battling back and forth for your self esteem on a daily basis. It truly would be a "vicious cycle." While that interaction may provide you with intense feeling, it is not going to protect you from your feelings of being abandoned. It merely distracts you from them and creates a trauma bond.

Trauma bonds need to be broken. Because of this ending- you will feel abandoned. It is right and it is necessary. What needs to be addressed is the mirroring that you needed during the idealization in order to feel good. One person does not hold the key to your happiness. They do, however form bonds that are deeper than starlight and exist on a cellular level. If you cannot let go of the idealization that this person gave you- then have a read about intensity versus intimacy on this thread:

|iiii  Intensity vs. Intimacy link (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0)

I was dumped. It sucked really bad at first and there is still a small feeling that it "sucks". But I have to be realistic: being with her was horrible. I guess the only reason it sucks now is that my ego is slightly damaged. But who cares? She's done it to everyone she's ever been with. Why would I be an exception?

I did dump her for 3 weeks once, when it first started becoming unbearable to be around her. At first it was like a weight off my shoulders and I was super happy all the time. Then after going 3 weeks without sex I wanted her back. Big mistake. My friend once made a joke about my ex... ."At least porn doesn't btch at me when I'm trying to relax"

Unfortunately I just ran into mine tonight at a local retaurant.  I'm happy to report that he's fatter than ever.  And his new gf could use a big time makeover--  Plain Jane.  Some people get what they deserve in the end.  The last time we had sex, I refluxed my dinner because he was too heavy on me.  HAHHAHHA.  It's gotta be worse for her.  He's about 20+ heavier than last summer.  And I'm sure he was 300+ lbs when we split up  !  It made my day to watch him waddle out of the retaurant.  Jerk.

I can SOO relate. I think part of why I kept pulling him back was because it defied logic why he would throw me away like that. He and I both knew no one was going to put up with his crap like me. I also really didn't want to be another person on his list of people who abandoned him. It's hard because I realize these things have more to do with me than him. It's funny because I just told my friend the other day that when I write down all his flaws and all the things he did to me I can't understand how my entire self-worth hinged on his acceptance of me. It doesn't make sense! She did point out that there are others falling under his spell so it isn't so much that there is something tragically wrong with me but that he is very good at manipulation and charming people. It's the combination that ultimately was damaging.

YES! This sums it up for me. I am both being rejected and I am rejecting him. It's the dance. I just won't dance anymore or answer the door when the dealer knocks. I have to outlast him. I have to say no more times that he knocks. I can do it!

sometimes people tend to forget that we are or were dealing with mentally ill people. just because they lacked sympathy, compassion and empathy doesn't mean that us as nons should feel the need to criticise them in order to make ourselves feel better. they didn't offer those traits out not out of pure spite but because it was embedded in them to express themselves otherwise.

I think the question is irrelevant.  What is relevant is how we feel, in our situations.  Whether we are the "asss" (for leaving) or the abandoned/rejected it is a painful place to be.  We have invested our emotions and our lives in what we now know is a relationship with no hope of a happy ending. Love yourself.  Keep moving forward toward your mental health, hour by hour, day by day.  Namaste,  K

I think both would be horrible. Leaving someone you love deeply knowing that you will hurt them by doing so must be very difficult. Being dumped and then replaced within a heart beat is just as hard. For me personally I did not have the strength to leave. I would have stayed for quite a while longer, most likely the only thing that would have made me leave was infidelity on her part or I would have died of a heart attack from all the stress. As it stands, she did me the favour (although done in a ___ty backhanded backstabbing way), I needed to get out, but my co-dependency kept me from moving forward, she made the decision for me. As much as it hurt(s), in the long run I will be a much healthier, happier person.

Yes you are correct in that assessment, but these mentally ill people are also causing a lot of pain and suffering to the very people that want to love them. Look at this board, the amount of damage that they cause is unbelievable. I am willing to bet that some of them know that what they are doing is hurtful, yet they just choose to pretend that they aren't actually acting as horrible as they are. And the kicker is that they have done this to many people. I think most of us on this board have earned the right to complain from time to time especially after the hell we lived through. Just my two cents.

And I have to tell you that I've been a good sport with my ex's "problem".  I'm fed up and angry now.  So when I can get a dig in, I do.  He doesn't seem to care about sparing my feelings.  But I was brought up to be a good girl and "be nice".  There's just so much good girl in me.  So I do lash out at times and I love it.  He messed with the wrong person.