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I left over a month ago and I can't even manage to go 2 days NC... .oh boy.

I still love her dearly and I know she loves me... .it makes it really hard.

I have been hoping she would start dating someone else because I think that would make it easier for me to move on, even though I know that part will hurt.

I know I am not going to be able to move on for a while and am taking steps to work on myself, exercising, relaxing and reconnecting with friends.

The whole dating scene in middle age is just so blah, everyone has tons of baggage and problems.  I was alone for around 6 years, with just a bit of casual dating and was relatively happy, I guess I will try and head back to that place. 

Hello there, I guess that as many times as we recycle, we've failed at NC! Look at it that way. Then a "final" break happens and NC eventually evolves. Maybe something as little as a calendar where you mark off the days will give you a sense of empowerment and motivation.

There are a lot of us middle-agers here. Once I got passed all the stink left after the break, I realized this is the best I've ever been... .the most independent and confident, and the most I've ever liked myself!

I don't think there is any way for someone to really convince another who is so hurting and confused that it actually gets much better, and even better than before you knew the BPD, so just let yourself feel all the pain and the crap. Get a T if you need to, or books, or just post and keep reading.

Middle age, for me (ok, if I live to 100 then I am middle age now), is the best time of my life. I wouldn't have believed it, and I credit the growth from this awful BPD r/s as the reason.

M

Thanks for that reply.  And I am not implying that middle age sucks because I do like it.  My career is doing well, I have a lot of life experience that I am passing on to my kids, I have the freedom to travel.

I think most of us got caught up with a BPD relationship because we tend to be the co-dependent type, I do want someone to love and someone to love me back.  I want to feel special and know someone is there looking out for me, as I will do for them.  So there is that pressure to find this person but from experience the middle age dating pool is polluted with baggage and issues (I know I add to this pool), it is like look up mount Everest and getting ready to climb it with no shoes on... .dumb analogy but the point is that right now I am very unprepared to seek what I desire and the pain of the last 3 years with my BPDex makes me crave a healthy love even more.

I guess I need to fall back on the time-tested saying of: time heals all, and look towards the future.

Yes, we sound like we're in similar boats. I guess without opening up the whole can of sociology, psychology, evolutionary/religion can of worms, I just wish I would feel that I will be equally as happy and fulfilled being on my own than with a partner.

I mean for the first time in my life, I'm actually happy and in large part it's because of the failed BPD r/s. For now, that will have to be good enough!

M

hithere,

I wasn't able to get past 2 days without suffering hard. I did go on over a week and they WILL contact you. I met up with my exBPDgf last week and this second NC attempt DOES feel better! Keep going at it and read these boards so you can understand. It's helped me tremendously. Exercise and going out with friends has been great too!


ellil,

Thanks for sharing your advice and experience! It's empowering :)

First, you have to let go of the idea that you won't ever meet someone again. Secondly, you have to let go of your "tyrannical shoulds" about middle age that are fearful. You see, this is a phase of life change that you are in, and it's hard enough to get through without becoming distracted and remaining entangled with what shouldn't be perceived failure. I wouldn't consider this relationship a failure at all- I would consider this immense personal growth and it will teach you about yourself if you let it.

Staying entangled with someone who is inconsistent may drain allot of your energy, and cause you anxiety- and it also prevents you from moving forward and feeling alone again. Perhaps this idea of growing older, not finding quality people and not being satisfied *whether in or out of the relationship.* is worth investigating with an adviser, especially concerning "aloneness" at middle age. That says something. And it's not uncommon as a passage.

People do need to belong. There is a reason why solitary confinement is used as a punishment in prison. It is abusive and it breeds self-neglect. But so is returning over and over again to a person who has hurt you. And the idea of reference that all people in middle age are problematic is all or none thinking. It is not a valid reason to stay in dysfunction.

There are plenty of people out there that are forming groups; young and old together, for laughter and companionship. The World is a much different place than when our parents were our age. We now have the technology for immediate communication. There are groups of all kinds that can find each other. It's easier and easier to meet new people, and it's incredible to see how many friendships are formed on the basis of an electronic meet-up site. 

If you cannot go for more than 2 days without contact with this person, then there is something that you are getting from this interaction that goes deeper than the fear of the unknown in middle age. You have to figure out how familiar it is. Once you realize it, you can begin the process of confronting it and then changing it to something else more positive in life.  But first you have to let go of the past. |iiii

Yes, love, broken and dysfunctional but still love... .

perhaps, it might be time to evaluate your definition of love - could it be attention and not love that you are getting?

Could be, maybe I just don't understand what true love is.

Either way I do feel strongly for her, so maybe it is my combo of my love and her attention that keeps me engaged.

For many of us here, when we started looking deeper - much of our dysfunctional definitions of love stem from our family of origin (FOO).

What is your definition of love?  It is a thread on the Taking Inventory board right now - that board opens up at 50 posts.