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My ex gfwBPD use to talk to her one close female friend about our sex life. In fact she went into detail about it which i thought most non BPD's would fine quite embarressing.  So is it normal for a pwBPD to talk about sex with someone outside the relationship in such great detail?

This sounds creepy now, but me exBPDbf used to ask me if I told my best friend about our sex life. I told him I told her it was really good and he'd say I should tell her all the details of what we did 

He didn't have one friend at all so I know he couldn't tell anyone although I know he told his psychiatrist!

what the heck was that all about?

M

If that's what she felt the girlfriend wanted, yes. Borderlines evaluate people's needs (sometimes incorrectly) and then follow that perception of need as a reward. If you confront them, you will get the "I thought that's what she wanted!" statements. In effect, offering themselves up to be valued based upon a perception of need coming from another human being.

Gossip can be very rewarding to a Borderline if they can provide it based upon the perception of need to another human being. They have no idea of reference where they begin and others drop off, so they attempt to merge with an object to seek an attachment by providing information that appears to value them as objects.

It doesn't matter if the information is slander, hearsay or even fantastic made up stories, the Borderline regards the "want" of the listener as an opportunity to merge with them and have a bonding experience.  This has been taught from childhood and due to nonexistent boundaries of where the self to "other" begins and ends.

Borderlines will take information given at close range and readily share it with others if they find reward in it. Since there is no awareness of boundaries, there are no expectations of boundaries, there is only an act of sharing, and goal to acquire reward.  Do they feel badly about it later? Yes, sometimes they feel very badly, but this is a self fulfilling prophecy of defectiveness and the disorder moves unconsciously until it is confronted. When confronted, it becomes criticism, which they expect. So they unconsciously move towards reward in fantasy merge and then withdraw from criticism of that oversharing in reality.

Borderline is a persecution complex- and expectations of persecution are already in the psyche. In a way, it is a built-in self defeat of personal boundary setting.

Maybe the devil is in the details here.  Seems to me girlfriends share everything with one another.  I have never wanted to know the extent to which this went on, just that it actually went on.

I think to some extent some girls do talk, but graphic or extensive detail seems out of bounds for me. My ex didn't just triangulate, she had anywhere from 3 to 4 friends enmeshed in her life and our relationship at once. She also didn't have any boundaries when it came to "behind closed doors" stuff whether it was relative to the bedroom or some other aspect of the relationship. She constantly looked outside for validation, and I felt like "I'm standing right here, hello?"

I can't be sure.  Mine didn't have any friends at all.

hi there... .my son's exuBPD used to post extremely explicit sexually  and / or personal bodily function related things on facebook! and i mean the most perverted / disgusting things... .the more shocking the better... .even her young friends were outraged and the more shocked comments she got from them... .(not just an old biddy like me) the more she revelled in the attention and the further she went... .it wasn't necessarily about her and my son, but i seem to remember a delivery man... .and one just walking down the road and what was happening to her... .she set out to shock and my god she did... .

her own mum left facebook because she just couldn't stand it but i took screen shots of every one in case we needed to have proof of her extreme and unacceptable behaviour in the family courts regarding my grandson's welfare... .

just my opinion, but i think its a girlfriend thing, whether BPD or not.

Will, I do think it's common to brag about our partners competency in the sack without giving the graphic detail, just as we might joke with a friend that we aren't getting enough "home cookin'" so to speak.

What doesn't seem normal is revealing details that made you feel exposed or humiliated in some way. That is not ok!

My ex tended to be hypersexualized in everyday conversation with her friends. Not just crass, I mean using sexually charged innuendo every chance she got in conversation or texting. She had ZERO boundaries in this area.

Mine did as well.She also told others that I made more money than I actually do.I make pretty decent money,so I couldn't understand why she needed to embelish it.I guess that's where the grandiose thinking comes in.The better they can make their SO,the better they see themselves.

I took that as a need to build her own self esteem.She seemed to like making other women jealous of our RS and that she had a "catch".They re-enforced her beliefs by telling her how spoiled she was.That might explain her lack of "self" and seeking validation by seeing her value only as who she is attached to.

Kind of like us.We saw ourselves as "valuable" because we had someone to validate that and that increased our self esteem also.We may not have made up things about them or shared it with anyone else,but we were getting the same thing.

I think that what 2010 said is accurate. My ex was a "high functioning," as they say, male (I think)--very macho and he would have loved it if I had been interested in hearing every little detail about his prior sexual exploits. In his case, it was to brag about his prowess and to display his knowledge of women, whom he claimed to adore.    Bottom line though is that I think they want to give you what they think you want--at the beginning or while you are in the idealization phase. True, gossiping about details is usually a girl thing, judging from my conversations with my male friends, but when we are dealing with a BPD the game has changed.

Diotima