Print Page - How can we accept this injustice?

nonBPD:

Excerpt

Dysfunctional or not they go on and live their life. Unhappy or not things get solved 4 them eventually

Things never get solved for a BPD. The borderline, especially an HF, is a master chameleon and liar. The illness will allow nothing to be solved though they may present it that way to the external world.

As for accepting it, this is the hardest part to do as you were run over and smashed. It takes time to recover. You did nothing to deserve it, but we all played a role in the dysfunction. As a non, you are capable of examining yourself and correcting it. This is something a borderline can, by definition, never do.

You have to accept that your BPDex is seriously mentally ill just as you accept the sun rises and sets each day.

My BPD got me when I was vulnerable too. I think this may be a semi-common theme too.

I too am a caring person. However, I have learned to never just give it away to those who are not worthy of it.

Thank you very much 4 the reply! And I think everything you say is very good, but if I do something that everyone thinks is wrong but I am convinced I did ok; if I just have the opportunity (because my state of mind allows it) to just not think about it and begin another story with someone else, and so on, who suffers? Me or the ones I step over in my path? Them! So I am not saying their things get resolved because they are successful or in a better relationship. I am saying their skills allows them to not feel the long time pain about a certain story... .They just forget. For them we become the rapist and they punish us, and they move on! For us, they rape us and when we try to defend our self, o repair it... .it is a loong painful road!

I did participate in all this, and maybe I am co-dependent, but it was an honest mistake. I did not deserve to be punished like that for trying to be over helpful. Damn it! I just feel so bad about it!

The injustice. This is something I struggle with too nonBPD. You have my sympathy.

The only way for me to understand my situation properly is to to see that my brief relationship with a man with strong NPD/BPD traits last year - which ended with a particularly brutal and rapid discard - just hours after he was begging me to move in with him - was no relationship at all. Merely a very damaging interaction. I have to accept that I was used and disposed of - and to lose any romantic sense of the thing at all. It's taken a lot of work to get to this point.

I also have to accept that he moved on immediately with an exgf who he is still with - and who he may be with for some time - since their dramatic and eccentric story suggests she may have substantial problems of her own.

But the problem is that that leaves an immense sense of injustice. Of having been horribly wronged and damaged and yet having no way of seeking restitution. I think somewhere in here I have to learn to accept that the world is in fact a very unfair place and that often there is no way of doing anything about that. Strange - I've always known that - both in reference to my own life and that of other people - but I don't think I've ever experienced it in quite so stark a way before. It's like being mugged in broad daylight and yet not being able to do a thing to bring the perpetrator to justice. Consequently this was the first time in my life that I experienced revenge fantasies. I wonder how one can somehow honour those feelings - without acting in a directly vengeful way of course - not sure.

The "revenge" comes when you focus on all of the horrible, negative, unjust things the BPD did to you and the rapid, careless, irrational severing that they placed on you from them; in essence, they did you a great favor in releasing you from a very unhealthy relationship... .as a non BPD, the revenge comes in knowing, although they may appear happy, etc., that inside their shallow, selfish, mentally ill existence there is no peace for them, no happiness, only another victim waiting to be seduced, swallowed and spit out... .be happy you got out before 30 plus years of "friendship" like me... .that she ended in a text message "we are no longer working for me."

I'm going to channel my late father here for a second. This was a speech he gave me. He was a gruff man, so I apologize if this comes out as such: Life isn't fair. Life isn't unfair. It's just life. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. It's simply how the world is. So you can either sit there and feel sorry for yourself, because you do or do not deserve something, or you can get up and work towards getting what you want. "Fair" doesn't just happen. People that think that it does just because they are good people, are living with a fairy-tale sense of entitlement. "Fair" happens for those that go out and make things fair.

non, you didn't deserve what you've gone through. I sympathize with you completely. I suspect that most people on here didn't deserve to suffer the way they did. But life doesn't happen based on what we deserve. It happens because of choices we make. You made choices that led you to this position. What is your next choice going to be?

Quote from: nonBPD on June 27, 2012, 07:54:44 AM

I did not deserve to be punished like that for trying to be over helpful. Damn it! I just feel so bad about it!

What makes you think you're being punished for something?

That's a great post, so thank you to "Gruff dad". In some way, the relationship fed something we needed, maybe just to be needed, to "rescue" to always be there for the wounded BPD... .for myself, I watched my "friend" disgard, paint black, misperceive, judge, silence, abandon and recycle SO many people... .at least 8... .why did I not see I would be next in line... .why did I allow this walking on eggshell feeling... .and yes, I was emotionally vulnerable too when my BPD friend hammered me with silence and cut off our decades of "friendship"... .I had been through 2 emotionally draining years with family tragedies, deaths, etc. that mind you she was there for none of except a basket of fruit... .no emotion, no involvement, no attending wakes or funerals... .I should have woken up and called her out on it long before she disgarded me and left me feeling like wow... .end a relationship OVER A TEXT MESSAGE... .who does that when you are an adult? 50 plus years old, 30 plus years friendship and a text saying we are not working for me anymore? so mentally ill... .next round of friend, lover, etc. make sure you are in a healthy relationship - see the post here that lists healthy relationship traits, and RUN FAST if you find yourself again cycling as a "rescuer" etc with anyone who resembles BPD at all! Learn from this !

Quote from: nonBPD on June 27, 2012, 07:54:44 AM

Quote from: nonBPD on June 27, 2012, 07:31:56 AM

Dysfunctional or not they go on and live their life. Unhappy or not things get solved 4 them eventually.

I am saying their skills allows them to not feel the long time pain about a certain story... .They just forget.

Here's another way to see it. Functional or not, you go on to life your life, right? Happy or not, things get solved for you eventually. Which of those do you choose? For Yourself, now, this isn't about the pwBPD. I don't believe pwBPD have 'skills' so much as very damaged coping mechanisms that only deflect, deny, and get them running from their pains. They can't be close with Anyone, not even Themselves. Constant avoidance. All of that just leads to MORE pain, not Less. They may lose the details of some of the stories, but they never forget OR get rid of the pains. Because they don't really face it. But YOU do. Your efforts will help you heal, clear away a lot of these troubling questions, and make you see this hasn't been a 'punishment' for you but a life lesson. Keep living your life as best you can! Learn from this, realizing you've done and will continue doing your best. Please don't close yourself off, and don't beat yourself up about this. You'll get through it. You did not deserve this situation but it is a growing experience and you know you can make the best of it. Use your helpful nature on yourself. Shift your focus from the negatives of the past to the positives of your future. Reward yourself with healing.

I've been feeling the same. I know he is mentally ill and will always have issues, yet he seems to get on with life. I know his relationship now is far from perfect, but for now he's getting on with things and she has two kids to keep him there. In the three months they have been together they have already taken vacations, they have passes to all the theme parks, he moved in with her. It's hard not to think of these things when you are laying in bed alone at night. This man has left nothing but destruction not only for me, but hes even hurt his ex wife, friends and his family. He talks his way out of everything and like his mom told me comes out smelling like a rose. I'm trying to find a job and put my life back together. I treated him so good, I gave so much and I have just been left with the depression and anxiety and sadness. Even worse when he did try to recycle me in May and showed me text messages from her, she makes fun of me... .she says I'm a loser with no job etc. I'm the crazy ex. It hurts so bad to think he went and painted this awful untrue picture of me and while I know I shouldn't give a crap with this woman says (shes a trainwreck) it just kind of adds to the hurt. I picture them sitting around laughing at me. I have such a good heart and try to help anyone in need. I adore animals and do work to save them. I'm honest. Yet I feel I can't catch a break.

so sorry there are so much of us to feel this pain! well, yeah! this experience has made m e re-think my faith in God, my self-worth, my trust in other people. He made me stop dreaming, stop seing life like a magic place! I would not say I am depresed, because I had the worst depresion a few moths ago because of this experience, but I was left dry of all my light. I have good days, evrything seams better, than boom! I am back to a darker place than before. Not depresed, just alive but not living... .

Maybe if I did feel I was getting better, getting a good lesson, if I found someone else, moved on to, I would have forgot this injustice, but I just cannot. There is a bug, a virus... .that not only does not go away... .it is eating my will to fight... .I don't want to complaign, or say I can not get something worse that this... .but I do feel nothing pleasures me... .donno... .donno... .

Thank you all really for being her 4 me and sharing your experiences... .

NonBPD, one thing I want to add... .please don't feel that your ex is getting off scott free while you are left in the dust. You are a person that can heal and grow, and use this pain that you feel now to make a better future for yourself. The fact that you are here learning and posting tells me that you are doing that.

Your ex does not have the same capacity to learn and grow, and they are stuck repeating the same self-defeating pattern over and over. The pain you feel now is a reflection of the constant pain they live with every day, pain that keeps them from being able to have true intimacy and attachment and love.

You will go on to have intimacy again, and the magic of life will come back to you. You are the lucky one, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

Rise

your gruff dad and my gruff dad sound alike as he used to say things like that. It's only when you are in a life situation such as we all are here that those words hold true meaning.

This is one of the things i am dealing with as the fact that my BPDw seems to leave a trail of destruction and grief behind her she is seldom touched by it and whenshe is touched then it is not for long. Almost like she has a teflon coating and all the crap slides off. She has no regard for the trouble she causes and even less for the impact she has. this is regardless of the times she "expresses" remorse, usually just before she wants something.

Anyway as you move away from them physically, emotionally, and mentally the impact they have becomes less and less. Doesn't stop them trying though and that is the part that sucks.

The thing is, BPDs don't get off the hook so easily. They can achieve happiness, but it is synthetic and shallow and almost impossible for them to sustain. It is always based on external things as they are not complete, whole people and cannot achieve fulfillment on their own.

In the immediate aftermath of the end of a BPD relationship, it's like we've been run over by a car and are bleeding out from our injuries, whereas they are on their way. But emotionally, it's like they have a tumor or a cancer that they are not treating. I'm convinced that it eventually catches up to them.

I know my ex could not have contemplated ending our relationship for very long, maybe 4-6 weeks at most. Just based on her behavior, even though I know there was a lot going on below the surface, I know our relationship rapidly fell apart, as things were copacetic for a while. And in the aftermath, I couldn't fathom how she could so easily detach and give me the silent treatment. It was explained to me that she did not grieve the end of the relationship at all, that she instead repressed any painful feelings of separation, and that she was "blocking it all out," the pain, thoughts of me, etc. And that it's like a levee that they build up in their minds to keep out unwanted thoughts, feelings, as well as introspection and accountability, which they are terrified of. At some point that levee is going to break, because you can't repress things forever. Eventually it does catch up to them.

I honestly think that our FOO issues from childhood have been leading us to such a relationship and person our entire lives, that we bandaged up these deep wounds with bandaids and the BPD brings them to the surface in a big way. It gets our attention in a way that nothing else ever has. And that being with a borderline and ultimately becoming a stronger, wiser, better person in the aftermath (we were already good-hearted people to begin with), well, being discarded by a BPD is like losing the battle but ultimately winning the war, if we are willing to walk in that direction.

Quote from: GP44 on June 27, 2012, 05:36:36 PM

At some point that levee is going to break, because you can't repress things forever. Eventually it does catch up to them.

I agree, I've seen my ex get into this state where he is grieving for someone he left behind, and I believe that my day will come around where he will be grieving over me.

Excerpt

I honestly think that our FOO issues from childhood have been leading us to such a relationship and person our entire lives, that we bandaged up these deep wounds with bandaids and the BPD brings them to the surface in a big way. It gets our attention in a way that nothing else ever has. And that being with a borderline and ultimately becoming a stronger, wiser, better person in the aftermath (we were already good-hearted people to begin with), well, being discarded by a BPD is like losing the battle but ultimately winning the war, if we are willing to walk in that direction.

I think breaking up with him is what I needed because I wasn't growing, wasn't getting past my issues. Sometimes I think he even did it for my sake, although in a spiritual sense, as he definitely did it for selfish reasons in reality.

NonBPD, I feel it too about the world having no magic. Everything just looks like shades of gray to me, I can't see the beauty. At first I thought I was just getting old or something and the thrill of living was gone, to quote John Mellencamp *) But now I see its just that he became my only source of joy. I have to relearn the joy, and things are starting to have color for me again. They will for you too, you will find the magic, bit by bit.

NonBPD,

My T tells me to feel my feelings and that is good for me. You brought up another complex feeling I did not think about but I too feel it: injustice. As someone here said: Life is not fair. Life is not unfair. Someone else said: Nature is indifferent is indifferent to life and humansuffering. I do not like that statement. It is cold and almost BPD-like but it is true. I am learning to accept it. We all will live and love again :)

GP44 I too like yiur levee analogy and how pwBPD cannot repress their feelings forever. I wish that was the case. That would open the door for them learning and eventually seeking help. That is how our brains work but not theirs I am afraid. What I read is that they go back and change stored memories in order not to have to deal with the reality past and current. I hope that I am wrong.

Quote from: GP44 on June 27, 2012, 05:36:36 PM

You're a freak GP44. Never read a post from you that was not jaw-droppingly perfect!

Listen up folks... .for this is the truth: take the focus off them and onto you - and the lesson.

This awfulness was inevitable. Someone was going to snap us out of the fuzz we have been in our ENTIRE lives

I don't regret this r/s at all. If anything, I regret the previous ones. Sure they ended better, but they were bland enough to let our co-dependent natures thrive. They were unchallenging enough to allow us full control and to perpetuate coping patterns we learned from our own childhood trauma.

By our exBPD behaving unlike anything we have experienced, we hurt like never before... .well, actually, exactly like we hurt before. When our core damage was done.

This brutal end has awakened all of those rejection and abandonment fears borne out of childhood coping skills as we splilt and blocked the pain inflicted upon us by our parents / care-givers. We must confront these now to live better lives from here on in. Be grateful to your borderline, turn the microscope on yourself, learn, heal, grow. Lose the borerline battle happliy and win the war!

BB12

Excerpt

At times, I have actually felt that the only reason I was put on earth was to deal with other people's emotional garbage and to be used.

note to self: stop putting yourself in that position.

this post from GP44 has details similar to mine:

Quote from: GP44 on June 27, 2012, 05:36:36 PM

I know my ex could not have contemplated ending our relationship for very long, maybe 4-6 weeks at most. Just based on her behavior, even though I know there was a lot going on below the surface, I know our relationship rapidly fell apart, as things were copacetic for a while. And in the aftermath, I couldn't fathom how she could so easily detach and give me the silent treatment. It was explained to me that she did not grieve the end of the relationship at all, that she instead repressed any painful feelings of separation, and that she was "blocking it all out," the pain, thoughts of me, etc. And that it's like a levee that they build up in their minds to keep out unwanted thoughts, feelings, as well as introspection and accountability, which they are terrified of.

however i don't think that levee is going to break.

This is the hardest part, for me. I hate being vilified, painted as an abuser, when there is no truth to the accusations -- the constant pull I feel is to defend myself, and set the record straight. I don't want vengeance, but I do want justice -- and part of leaving a BPD and dealing with the aftermath is accepting that there won't be that closure, and that you can't defend yourself.

It's crazy making, knowing that on some level she really believes the things she's saying -- and that others believe her hurts even more. I am doing my best to stay clear of anything she says or does, unless I need to document something in case I need it later (for a restraining order or some such thing.) The less we know, the better, I think, regarding what they are saying about us.

Quote from: maxen on October 21, 2013, 04:16:22 AM

as a newbie i'm going back through old threads, this one hit a nerve.

i have a very very hard time with this issue of the injustice of it. granting that i would have done some things differently in my marriage, it is very very hard to accept that her deceit, infidelity, and abandonment were successful, so to speak, that she has successfully painted me black to the point that a few - and it could be very few, but still a few - of our mutual acquaintances and her family are supporting her in what she did (i find this just obscene and it's as hard to deal with as her lying and arrogance), that i did so much for her that was never appreciated, that she accused me of things that are clear projections but that she really believes and that they are among the reasons she left, that i am left bereft while she has something. the fact that she is certainly BPD isn't enough to get me past the sense of victimization.

it's at the point now where reconciliation is out of the question. i could forgive what she did, but not the things she's said since, or the fact that i've been slandered (and frankly i'd have a hard time repairing her name with my friends and colleagues). i crave a hearing, in front of her friends, family, etc, and i'm never going to get it. nobody will ever know all i did and tolerated.

Maxen,

Justice is one of the main issues that pops in my head always. My ex's family seems to support him and I believe they know what he does. I agree it is obscene. I feel the same craving for a hearing. I think it is natural. My craving is so strong I took it upon myself to get one.

A couple of days ago I found out 3months out the extent of my ex's betrayal. I thought he disappeared suddenly for a coworker which was devastating enough. I found out 2 days ago that he had actually been with this woman for a good part of our relationship. I was devastated. I had just been to his 50 birthday party with his family. I was the good little girlfriend bringing out the candlelit cake while everyone was singing happy birthday... .All the while this was going on. His family was singing his praises oh so and so with the heart of gold.

When I found out about the cheating I wrote a scathing text laying out the details of his betrayal to my ex and I copied everyone in his family that I had a number for. I couldn't stand that they had this opinion of him when he did this to me and other women. I do not recommend this though because the family tried to get me arrested yesterday. They didn't succeed however. I am amazed that a guy can wreck a woman's life up and down, abuse her and cheat on her, discard her like garbage for someone else after all I did for him and they cry like babies over a couple texts. I believe they just wanted to punish me because we all know that anyone can block a number with a click of a button so they wouldn't have to get anymore should I decide to send. Even though I may look bad to them and they support him I'm glad I got it out there because these patterns just build. I really don't care at this point what they think. I wouldn't want a record for it though so probably wouldn't do it again. But don't think it was wrong. Sometimes we have to take our own justice. Within the limits of the law of course.

My own take on this Iwalk-Heruns / maxen,

Is that the people who support them just don't want any hassles.

It's not that they vindicate them and agree with the painting of you black and the smearing. I would say, the opposite is true. Many of these family members have watched the succession of dramatic relationships for many years. Not being able to abandon a daughter or son, I am sure that many of them just roll with it.

I had a borderline friend that I travelled to Bali with a couple of years ago. She did unspeakable things over there and I had to sever the friendship upon our return. Many of her friends and family told me how brave I was to go away with her... ."I couldn't last a day let alone a week'. Yet they remained her friend. One of them, Matt, explained it like this: "Just take the fun bits and ignore the rest".

It is my belief a pwBPD can maintain several shallow yet long standing friendships because of this level of acceptance and recognition by their support group. But a romantic partner stand no chance of being able to do the same.

So it's not so much they these people are endorsing your exBPD's story and disparaging comments about you. But for their own survival, they just let thing slide and focus on the good parts of the borderline

INHO

bb12

My take is this... .I'm glad I had the opportunity to learn from this experience and it will make me stronger, wiser, and more aware and motivated, but... .I could have certainly done without all the BS lies that was told once I got painted black and all the time I wasted on/with this person when I could have spent it with/on someone/something else that was worthwhile. On the flipside though, it could have been much worse with this exBPD, I didn't have kids with her thank Jesus and owned no property together, so I'm on the yellow brick road at this point. Alot of people on here have some sad stories for sure, but I think that if we have our health and are still alive after years with these people... .Be Thankful!

I happened to log on FB earlier today and see the exBPD's pal, who I am sure unfortunately has BPD as well, all hugged up with a guy I went to school with that I am 'friends' with on FB in a 'new relationship', I had to laugh, sheesh. They just keep chugging along with the same ole game, just different names, plug in whoever for instant happiness and gratification. We have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes to build a better, fruitful, enjoyable, peaceful life with ourselves and whoever else we choose that is hopefully healthy. They are stuck on the railroads tracks to doom no matter who they may be flaunting this week.

How can we accept this injustice... .?

Radical acceptance.

One of the hardest things... .

To ever fully... .

Assimilate... .

Into your being.

I still struggle... .

On days... .

Where i want to think... .

That maybe... .

She was just an a$$hole... .

But then i remember... .

How things unfolded... .

In horrifyingly... .

BPD fashion.

And it forces me... .

To accept... .

That this person... .

Has a mental disorder... .

That destroys... .

The very people... .

Who get... .

Too close to them.

I need but look... .

At my ravaged... .

Ironman suit... .

Ripped to pieces... .

And... .

My acceptance... .

Lies... .

In its... .

Smoldering remains.

thanks very much for that bb12.

Quote from: bb12 on October 21, 2013, 10:18:16 PM

It is my belief a pwBPD can maintain several shallow yet long standing friendships because of this level of acceptance and recognition by their support group. But a romantic partner stand no chance of being able to do the same.

So it's not so much they these people are endorsing your exBPD's story and disparaging comments about you. But for their own survival, they just let thing slide and focus on the good parts of the borderline

INHO

bb12

my T is pointing out much the same, that the friends who know her well aren't buying everything she's selling (one is a psychiatrist, so surely ... .). but, apart from the homewrecker, one workmate lent an ear and didn't say 'don't do this', and her mother sent an email saying "there are two sides to every pancake." god knows we had issues and i contributed. but i think of deceit and infidelity more as a moebius strip than as a two-sided object.

Quote from: Ironmanfalls on October 22, 2013, 08:57:27 AM

How can we accept this injustice... .?

Radical acceptance.

One of the hardest things... .

To ever fully... .

Assimilate... .

Into your being.

i've been spending the last months trying, in our emails and in our two meetings, to get an acknowledgement from her, or thinking she might having pangs about it even if we're now out of touch, despite all evidence to the contrary. that's a kind of hope and it has kept me going at times. but now i come around to it: i've been lied to, i've been humiliated, i've been abandoned, she got away with it, i will have a hellish divorce process, and there's nothing that i can do about the results. i have to know it every day and operate, i have not to be ashamed of it. i have to be able to say it, first here where it's safe, then not to suppress it in conversation irl.

great post ironman.

regarding the smearing/lying post-breakup, and the "friends" that stick around for the pwBPD. well, a couple of things that i've taken from being in this position is that now i definitely am a bit more judgemental about people i meet by how they treat *others*, even if we are cool for the moment. another poster mentioned that they witnessed the pwBPD doing all kinds of crazy things to other romantic interests (or friends) but didn't think they would do this to them. And I think this is the common feeling for "enablers" of these people--they might view these people's behaviors as quirky or weird, but never in their wildest dreams would they think that this pwBPD would actually treat *them* this way.

i'm guilty of this, so i can understand how people could totally believe and be friendly with my ex. my ex would tell me stories of previous r/s she had where her exbf's would burn her stuff after they broke up, heard about chairs being thrown through windows, she mentioned once that her and some guy were supposed to move in together but after signing the lease on they day they were supposed to move in, she bailed out and broke up with him. i remember (foolishly) laughing, like "damn, that was harsh... .", but honestly at the time i felt like the guy probably had some issues or was blind to something not going right in the r/s that he should have been paying attention to. at the end of the day, i don't think anyone could or would suspect the level of deceit and manipulation pwBPD are capable of, and surely they wouldn't think this person would treat them like this. so, we are fooled, and we enable. but, now i know better!

and when and if i meet people like this in the future, i immediately cringe. i refuse to be friends with someone now if i sense that they are abusive to other people. hell no am i going to enable them in their ruse.

also, most of the pwBPD friends will just keep believing them until they find out that the pwBPD has been saying/doing things against them too. i've found that it's taken me over a year to remember all the little things my exBPD would say about people and then to understand them as lies or skewed. there were people who i held in just a little bit of contempt, unconsciously b/c of things she'd say in passing about them. it's sad but true. and i know she says the same about me. it's why the few of us who do know how she really is describe her as toxic.

all of this is to say that for us nons, i think it's a good exercise to think about any mutual friends you shared with your BPDx--reevaluate what you think of these people and see if there may be some negativity left there by some sillyness that your ex said to you about them. just my 2 cents |iiii

Quote from: goldylamont on October 22, 2013, 04:30:38 PM

I, too, was an enabler. My uBPDexgf would tell me all types of stories red-flag about how her relationships with exes and I always thought they were suckers. Wow! I can't believe that my uBPDexgf had almost the exact same story: She told me that she moved in with an ex (after 2 months mind you) and about 3 weeks into living there, they broke up. This, right after she made him do all types of expensive work to the house so that it would be more suitable for HER! The similarities are still so shocking to me.

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: nonbpd on June 27, 2012, 07:31:56 AM