BPDFamily.com

I haven't been on here for a while, ex husband is BPD N and after years of emotional and some physical violence, stalking, intimidation, threats and violence against the marital home... .I'm heading back to court early 2013.

Here's a short summary: happily divorced 2010, no contact from late 2009, AVO in place until May next year. DD7, DS5, unsupervised visitation for 4 hrs fortnight with contact centre facilitating changeover at end of visit and public venue for start of visit.

He's done pretty well. Has only missed one visit and has done a handful of silly things, nothing criminal (towards me).

The kids dad has been seeking joint custody every year since final decision in 2010. Hearing was moved again this year when his treating psychologist was o/s and unavailable for cross examination. Both the treating psyche and forensic psyche who did a risk report said the kids dad was doing really well and was able to have more time (very brief summary).

However, I supboenaed the police records and at the same time they both gave him a positive review, he was being charged with stalking ex gf, damaging her property, multiple AVO from her and family etc, same M.O. as his wrath against me.

Needless to say we didn't want to go ahead without cross examination.

I asked for a new evaluation with the forensic psychologist and for him to review the supboeaned files too.

The kids dad said he wants me evaluated to prove I am a "psychopath and a control freak". You guessed it, his words!

My evaluation is Tues next week. The kids dad is having his on the following day.

I have been worried about this for a long time. I know how hard it is in Aust to 'win back' the right to 50/50 custody (which we call shared parental responsibility). At the moment I have sole parental responsibility, but in Aust they can take you back as often as their funds allow. And yes, he is seeking costs from me... .

Does anyone have any advice on what to say, not say? I know the truth and I stand by my version of it, but the kids dad is such an expert liar and has proved his ability to win over the experts time and time again. I am terrified that I will look like someone who is unreasonable, paranoid and who is trying to keep a "loving dad from seeing his kids".

Thank you for your thoughts.

Hi - been wondering how you were. He was aggressive in court in front of a judge I believe? And the gf is now his ex gf? Is she too scared to testify in your behalf? I would let the police record be my support - it's pretty damning and I would just say that despite all the nice words from everyone, he is still doing what he did to you and therefore you believe that he needs to continue to work on his issues. Ask for things to remain the same given the police report, and deny that you should be charged with costs since you didn't bring the action. Tell them that his repeat of the behaviour has actually raised all the old fears and you fear that his words and actions are not consistent, until they are, it's too risky to change things.

I would also ask that each person who brings actions be liable for their own costs otherwise this could become an invitation for frivolous charges. I know they can keep coming back but our courts are backlogged too and they can't be too happy about it.

It always amazes me how powerful the manipulations of these pwBPD are... .they say everything with such conviction that we start to believe it ourselves!

Stick with the truth: "He has attended most visits and the children enjoy seeing him in that context (if they do). I am concerned that despite the positive reports from his treatment providers, he continues to engage in aggressive actions against his GF (see police reports) and that this indicates that he has not fully addressed his mental health issues and may be outright manipulating his providers. I am concerned about the children being in his care for any length of time at this point. As you may recall from his outburst in court, he is unable to manage his anger consistently and is quite frightening when he loses control."

No judge (except an utterly corrupt one) is going to make YOU pay HIS legal costs when he brought the action and it's not even that you are doing something wrong, just that he wants more time. Maybe if you are found in contempt but it's not a contempt action, from what I can see.

He's gaslighting you and it's working.  Stay strong.    Any psychologist that evaluates you will be evaluating him as well and who do you think will come out looking better?

Good for you for subpoening his police records   |iiii    

You have already made a strong case here for denouncing any recommendations from the psych experts. You have his police records, and like tog said, use that to counter the positive reviews from the experts. I know he seems scary, and maybe he has fooled some people some of the time. But with a record like his, and a smart mom like you pulling police records and taking good care of the kids, there is an excellent chance the courts will not budge much. If they already awarded you sole custody and gave you majority time, they have already cast their vote for who they trust most. The only positive new development are the reports from the experts, and the police records show exactly why psych evals can only go so far in making a case.

It is reasonable for you to state exactly what you said to us, and shows that you are a very concerned mother (vs. paranoid):

"Both the treating psyche and forensic psyche who did a risk report said the kids dad was doing really well and was able to have more time (very brief summary). However, I supboenaed the police records and at the same time they both gave him a positive review, he was being charged with stalking ex gf, damaging her property, multiple AVO from her and family etc, same M.O. as his wrath against me."

Then tell the courts how the kids are doing. "They are very adjusted to the current schedule, and given the problems with ex regulating his behavior, it is best for the kids to continue visitation according to what the court previously and wisely ordered."

In my case, N/BPDx sees S11 for 8 hours on the weekend. When opposing party's L asked for more time, I counter-offered with regular Skype calls during the week. If your L thinks you need to counter something, maybe you can offer a similar arrangement. Since you've been through this before, you're probably familiar with the negotiations that Ls do -- what is your L proposing?

Also, what kind of psych eval will you undergo?

Why were his reports from the experts so positive when the reality was quite different?  He was making sure he looked good to them, making sure to look acceptable to them.  Likely he's been doing that his whole life, and by now he's an expert at avoiding consequences.  But since he really didn't change with the other aspects of his life, such as his behaviors in his new but failed relationship, they reveal he hasn't changed after all.

He may be slippery as an eel and know how to stay just barely below the professionals' level of concern when he's under scrutiny, but the other portions of his life reveal he hasn't really changed.  Once their supervison or monitoring is 'over' then he'll revert right back.  He can hold the Mask of Seeming Normalcy in place for only so long, it will eventually slip and crumble as it did in his other life with exgf.

It sounds like your courts have the capacity to see what FD is describing. That's good -- if they did it the first time, they can do it again. My N/BPDxh presents the same way as yours. He is high functioning, is an L himself, and every professional who meets him says he is very charming and agreeable. Until he isn't. And then the burden of proof is on him to show that he has changed. Which he can't, because he doesn't think he has a problem.

I would ask your L to detail the strategy you're going to use to get your ex to cover your legal expenses.

If it's not too late, ask for both evaluations to be based on objective testing, like the MMPI-2, not just interviews.

If there is objective testing, take the test honestly, read each item carefully, and answer it the way you think is best.  Objective psych evals almost always find some problems - mine did - but that is OK;  that's the best way to sort out who has small problems and who has big ones.  Then use those results to show that the kids are better off with the healthier parent most of the time.

If it's just an interview with a psychologist, I would suggest that you get a good night's sleep, take aspirin if you have a headache or whatever else you need to be comfortable, and relax.  Listen carefully to each question, and if you're not sure what the psychologist means, ask for clarification.  "I don't understand - can you rephrase that please?"  Then answer as simply and truthfully as possible.  Focus on what you know - such as your husband's behavior that you have seen with your own eyes, and any documents like police reports that you have read - and don't speculate.  You can say, "He has done X three times this year that I know of." but not "I think he has BPD because he acts like it!".  If you know that he has been diagnosed with something, say it that way:  "In January Dr. X told me that he was diagnosed with BPD."  Avoid any accusations or characterizations you can't back up.

If you are asked about something that isn't true - "Ms. Kormilda, why did you do X?" - don't take the bait.  Stop and think, identify the assumption underneath the question, and challenge it:  "You are saying that I did X?".  Put it back in the questioner's court to support the accusation.  Then when she has clarified - "Well your ex told me you did X." - then you can say very clearly, "I have never done X.  I would suggest you challenge him on that and on any other accusations he makes - he can't back it up because it never happened."  Be clear but don't repeat yourself or get upset, just state the truth and stop.

Most of the interview will probably not be stuff like that, it will be more general - where you grew up, who raised you, what you do professionally, etc.  Just answer the questions clearly and don't try to make yourself look all-good or all-bad.  "I studied such-and-such in college but I didn't like it so I went into such-and-such.  I did that for about five years but I wasn't very good at it so I changed to such-and-such, and I like that much better, and I've become good at it."  Be balanced and moderate - don't exaggerate to make yourself look good or try to figure out the "right" answers - there probably aren't any so just answer simply and truthfully.

You've got a great memory Rose! Yes, he assulted my mother in front of the magistrate in our first court appearance for kids matters - turned out the worst thing for my mum to experience was most likely the catalyst I needed so that the court would question his versions of events, and protect the kids.

Unfortunately, time has been one of the worst things. I fear that the further away from the violent events towards me, the less likely they are to impact the court now. You're right that his words and actions are not consistent, and I really appreciate that insight.

It was the affair partner from the time of our split. From start of relationship to split and violence with ex gf was approx 2.5 years. He has a new gf now, they've been together for about 10 months now I think. The kids like her, she's fun. She's about 20 years younger than the kids dad. About the same age as ex gf too.

I have kept as busy as possible over the last week to take my mind of the worry, but with one sleep to go, I'm ready to face it again.

Sorry for disappearing offline, best coping tactic I had I think.

Thank you!

A very clear way to explain it, thanks Tog. It certainly doesn't sound like you are talking about a paranoid mother at all and that really helps to ground me again, thank you. |iiii

We are proposing that nothing changes from the current arrangement. No overnight visits and would maybe extend the hours if pushed, but I am not comfortable with any extra time. His lawyer is asking for 60/40 and he wants Thurs to Mon each week. Unlikely, but magistrate gets to call the shots so still scary.

Not sure what psych eval they are planning. I've never seen a Forensic Psychiatrist so not sure where he'll start.

Most likely I'll need to start with an apology for questionning his report, albeit I was right... .

Thanks Foreverdad - this makes total sense to me. I guess the most frustrating part is that he did fool at least 2 experts (after an initial seemingly accurate assessment) and I hope that they have lost enough face that they wont want to risk being wrong again and take the extra cautious approach?

The second report by the forensic psyche was so different that it appeared he had not referred back to his previous notes at all. We really need to cross examine to understand why, but hopefully it wll prove that the kids dad is nothing more than an excellent actor.

Unfortunately the court has never determined a ruling, it has been by consent to this point based on the recommendation of the experts. My lawyers are not confident, at least that was until the last turn of events with the ex gf. Aust courts are a bit loose and even junkies and sex offenders get unsupervised time with their kids if they appear to be behaving.

It's not fair, especially on those children. I guess I have been lucky to this point that the kids dad continues to act out and act as himself eventually.

Thanks Matt. I have booked a massage for tomorrow morning before the session just to be extra sure. I do have a tendancy to hold stress in my neck and back and I definately don't want to appear fidgety!

I will certainly ask him at the onset tomorrow if I'll be evaluated on objective testing. I certainly see the merit although assume I'll have some sort of codependency issues to get into the messy R anyway. But you're right, I do believe that I will come across as the more level headed parent.

At the end of the day, I only have the truth and prayer. I can't control what the kids dad says and does. I only want to keep the kids safe, that's my only goal. I see so much good in the way the kids are now, they don't kick and hit people/objects when they are upset, preferring to remove themselves from the situation until they are calm.

They even comment on their dad's lies that he told his mother when he was growing up (he told them stories on the last visit) and say "I don't know why dad always lied to his mum. 7yoDD said that she knows there will be a consequence if she's done the wrong thing, but she'd always tell me the truth. 5yoDS said that same, that he always tells me the truth even if he'll get in trouble, but he knows I won't get mad.

I hope I have enough time with them always to balance what their dad tells them to be funny, or glorious or just plain big noting for a reaction. Ugggh

UPDATE - the appointment was today. At no stage did I feel like the interview was about me. In fact, for 2 hours 15 mins he asked poignant questions and "guessed" the personality traits I was exposed to by the kids dad. Definately BPD and Narcissism and Bipolar too. He said lots of psyches are quick to diagnose depression or bipolar but afraid to diagnose personality disorders. He asked me if I had a problem with a diagnosis like that for exBPDN. I actually laughed out loud!

He asked me if I thought that the kids dad would accept treatment, I asked him if he’d have to accept that he had BPD for the treatment to work. “Yes” was the response, so I told him that in that case I didn’t believe it would work. He agreed.

He also diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the period in the months leading up to the property damage event and the months post that. (Today was the first time I’d met him). He said that he doesn’t know how I did it on my own, but believes I got through PTSD because I am a good Christian girl with great family support and by focussing on my kids and doing everything I could for them, I made it work. I took that as a massive compliment, although it was shocking that I did anything other than just cope with a really bad hand. I stayed present for the kids, even though I felt hopeless so much of the time.

He asked me what I wanted to happen, and I said I want nothing to change with the visits, certainly no overnights and that the kids are doing well and I think are safe with the current arrangement. He agreed that the kids dad has actions and words that do not match and that his last report was based on the lies the kids dad told to his treating psychologist and to him, and therefore was pretty useless.

He said he wished he had seen me sooner. I really felt like it went the way it needed to today. I am going to keep on praying and trusting that I’ve done all I can. The kids dad sees him tomorrow. We’ll get the reports soon and be in a position to plan the directions for the next court case early next year. Sigh. I wish there was an end in sight but I know that the kids dad will just keep on fighting because he thinks he’s entitled…

Very nice.   |iiii  You found an evaluator willing to take a strong stand. Let's hope it comes across very clearly in his report.

 

Well done.

Wow - great- you must be very relieved!

Huzzah! Thanks for letting us know how it went. It must have been so validating for you to have an expert diagnose your ex with a PD. And pulling yourself through PTSD says you are a resilient person with a great support network. So happy for you. I love it when people here experience validation from the court process -- any little thing helps.

Good luck to you with the rest of the trial. Please let us know how it goes. It sounds promising, but keep getting massages  |iiii

Thanks everyone. It sure helped me sleep better last night!

My son found an ornament of a lioness and 2 cubs resting on her at a second hand shop and begged me to buy it. That was this time last year and he found it a couple of weeks ago and put it by the tv. He said "this is you [lioness] this is me and that is DD and you are looking after us and keeping us safe". I wont be moving that lioness off the tv!

I know we're all on this board due to circumstances outside our control and certainly more than we deserve or dreamed was possible, but what a blessing that we are seeking comfort, assistance and support from likeminded people and pushing forward. Thank you to you all for making a difference in my life!

Wow! This guy sounds great! i have to have a family assessment done soon, I can only hope the guy I get can see through my exBPDh's smooth and charming ways... .

I am in Australia too... and have to agree with you. They will let any psycho see their kids! It's crazy.

Good on you!

Thanks Dusk, yes, Aust certainly has taken being "fair" to a whole new level in the courts.

To date I have spent over A$140,000 (divorce, property and family court) and next year I need to budget for A$30k for the 3 day hearing. Not only do I need to dig deep and find the strength to fight for my kids, but financially, well, I am working a tough job to try to make ends meet. I am juggling life as a single parent and paying for 97% of the kids needs, (receiving minimum child support of A$70 per fortnight for 2 kids) and the courts allow high conflict cases to keep coming forward, as often as requested for childrens matters.

Yes, they have to prove there has been a significant shift in circumstances to apply again, but BPD/Nxh has no problems coming up with new and inventive stories I can assure you! It's up to me to defend the kids, find the best barristers I can afford and protect the kids from their overbearing dad, who probably only feels entitled to 50/50, but wouldn't know what to do if he got it.

He has never asked to make contact with the kids outside of their 4 hour visit a fortnight by letter, phone or email and I can only assume that he doesn't seem interested in an actual relationship... .

I stand back and observe as 'dad' buys them iPads, Playstations and pianos for Christmas (all over his facebook account) and yet he wont put a cent towards school shoes, swimming lessons, school fees or uniforms, medication, dental bills, health insurance etc... .my child support is meant to cover it! And you know what, I tell the kids they are lucky to have special presents and I don't speak ill of their dad. It's not their fault their dad is who he is. I want them to form their own opinion as time goes on, and already they have mentioned his lies... .

One day they'll be old enough to see the photos of the house damage and make their own stands for the role they want their dad to play in their lives. Until then, I will do whatever I can to keep them safe xxx

This might be something for another thread, but I've been thinking a lot about this -- the idea of letting S11 have access to the stuff his dad has done and written. It's a choice for us nons to make that content available, but is it the right choice? I don't know. I do think it was important that S11 learned his dad was an alcoholic, and if the psych eval results are going to be shared with me, and if they diagnose him with something, I do think it's right for S11 to know that his dad has an illness. But I have multiple 3-inch 3-ring binders, plus recordings (I'm sure many members here have similar) that are N/BPDx revealing himself through his own words and actions.

I know you're not suggesting your kids learn every detail, but I sometimes wonder if I should just "disappear" the binders after S11 is 18. Even if I chose to never let him read everything, he might stumble across them. He can learn the truth in many ways, and I think reading about his father would be devastating.

You're right that they don't need every detail. However, BPDnxh tells them things to minimize the truth, ie, daddy only broke some things in the house, about 5k damage. The truth, over 80% of furniture and walls, carpets, floors had to be replaced at cost to the insurance company of 90k.

I am not even thinking of showing them anything until after they demonstrated walking votes, ie, you lied about dad so I am moving in with him. I pray that never happens, but in that circumstance I think disclosure is important so the kids don't make a dangerous choice based on limited info told by their dad to suck them in to his web of lies.

I would love to not have a dedicated cupboard but with a potential 13 more years of litigation ahead for my kids, and maybe beyond that to protect future grand kids, I'm not sure I would want to be without it.

I agree about hanging onto everything -- good insurance. And hadn't thought about S11 ever wanting to live with his dad. Yeesh. Didn't even cross my mind, but strange things do happen to teenage brains. I was more concerned about S11 accidentally stumbling across the binders, or recordings, without me knowing about it.

I had a friend in middle school who discovered all the letters her parents wrote to each other leading up to and during their divorce, and it devastated her. I think back to that, and realize she had no context for the letters, and had no one to help her make sense of what she was reading.

That haunts me, thinking about how much pain she felt, and neither of her parents were pwBPD.

DH has his court transcript - one of his adult D's asked to read it because BPDm was making all sorts of allegations. Once she read it she basically told BPDm "I've read the court transcript and you are making things up". End of issue.

Other kids don't want to know - so be it.  It's there if they ever want to find out the truth - we are talking in their late 30s

Thanks Rose, I think insurance policy is the right way to look at it, although after Livednlearned's comments about her friend, I might move the photos and files to a locked file draw instead.

My kids wouldn't be able to read the transcripts at this stage and make much out of it, but there is certainly no grey areas in the photos of our our old home. I would hate them to find the photos and realise that was the "house that daddy broke". It would be a horrible way to find out the severity of it and it was terrible traumatic for me as an adult.

Actually, at the same time the house was damaged, there were severe storms in Aust and the kids thought the wind broke our house, hence moving in with my parents and never moving home again. They psychologist told me I had to be age appropriate, but lying wasn't the answer (I chose to say nothing and not blame their dad, as I had our whole marriage) and it was important that they knew who was responsible. I told them that daddy broke the house and that we would get it fixed but not live there again.

I get some questions, but I know they have asked their dad quite a few times too. He usually says he was a little bit angry and broke some things... .

Furthermore, he's an incredible actor/manipulator/story teller - I fell for his charms heavily over the years and if he can pull the wool over the forensic psychologist on the second visit and rewrite his first diagnosis, what hope do innocent children have against it?

I married a very charming N/BPD too. He has a very high-level job, began teaching at one of the most prestigious law schools in our state, has many admirers who think he is one of the funniest, most interesting, bright people. I worried about the same thing with S11, that he would not be able to tell the difference between truth and lies with his dad. But then something traumatic happened this summer and the heavens parted for S11 emotionally and it was a huge opportunity for him to talk openly with me about how his dad lies. And I wasn't mean about backing up what he was saying, so he feels like he can talk about the lying with me because he trusts that I won't hurt him -- it's vulnerable for our kids to admit to themselves that one half of them is broken like that. I think you've written elsewhere that you do the same things with your kids, so I'm not saying anything you don't already know. Just reinforcing how powerful that kind of love is for kids who don't have the happy two-parent home. I think it means the world to them that we protect them from the truth while also being honest with them -- that's a really hard line to walk. My son tells me all the time how much he loves me, and I can feel the most intense trust and love in the way he hugs me and rests next to me when we're sitting. He will never feel that kind of trust and love with his dad, and that's a hurt I can't fix, but I try hard to not make it worse. That's the kind of insurance that we're building with our kids. Although like you, I'll be hanging onto the files just in case... .who knows what might be brewing.

I received the forensic psychologists report in early Jan, and was surprised by my lawyers cover letter which cited “You will note that Dr. X is recommending an increase in time to BPD/Nxh but does not expand on that recommendation.”

Here’s a summary:

Dr X did not review the subpoenaed documents from the police, and accepted BPD/Nxh’s minimised and incorrect version of events.

My diagnosis was that I have “an Adjustment Disorder with Anxious Mood and features of traumatisation (vigilance, dissociation, flashbacks, avoidance, hyper-arousal? In remission.

His view of BPD/Nxh’s psychological symptoms was “his sleep is now settled; his energy is ‘brilliant’, his esteem and confidence have improved; his memory and concentration are intact; he related in a more subdued and sober manner than he did previously. He impressed as a somewhat sadder and wiser person than when I saw him before. His account was provided in an understated manner and was not accompanied by emotional distress or agitation.”

Hi diagnosis of BPD/Nxh was that he “does not present with psychiatric symptoms at the present time.”

“... .  nonetheless, as BPD/Nxh says, he wishes to move on and to establish a cooperative relationship between himself and [kormilda] in respect to the children. Whilst [kormilda] has her misgivings about such an arrangement ever being possible, an increase in contact between BPD/Nxh and the children is recommended.”

Everything was “on the basis of his account” and I can tell you that most of what BPD/Nxh reported, is untrue. He has lied about his occupation, earnings, living arrangements, past events, current events, VicPolice charges, ex-gf accounts of abuse and stalking, treatment, childhood etc. It goes on and on.

I have requested that the forensic psychologist reviews the subpoenaed reports (at my expense) and provides a complete report. He has been careful to say “... .  If in fact, BPD/Nxh is as he appears and does what he says, I see no reason why he should not have increased contact with the children... .  ” which is just a way for him to do less work now and not appear totally inept on the stand in front of the judge, in my opinion.

We have a directions hearing next month but based on the lies and the latest report, we will be going to court in May.

Furthermore, after the kids visit with their dad yesterday, they told me he has moved to our suburb, 22 seconds from the kids school. He is not in direct breach of the AVO by living there, but his irrational, arrogant and impulsive move to our suburb based on one line in the report again proves to me that he hasn’t changed at all.

He does just enough to scare the crap out of me and my parents/sisters who live in the same suburb, but not quite enough to breach the AVO and get caught. Prank calls, but no way to prove it’s him, screaming into my phone, but no way to prove its him. I hope his actions catch up with him one day, although I fear he doesn’t care about the money it costs him or the money it costs me and takes away from our kids. My estimated bill for this year is $40k.

So incredibly frustrating, but I cried enough tears yesterday and he angered me for too long. Today I am back to getting ready for court and protecting my kids.

I was going to cancel my hair appt with the kids tonight based on my fear of running in to him, but I know that I can’t let him see my fear or change my life. I will react calmly if I see him, and report it to the police. I WILL NOT let him see how afraid I truly am. I wish I hadn’t cried in the car yesterday and called him selfish and mean in front of the kids. I think I called him a prick too, nothing of which I am proud of. I never speak ill of him in their presence. They didn’t choose their dad and it’s out of their control too.

So there was no objective testing?

If the trial isn't til May, there's plenty of time.  Can you file a motion for objective testing by another psychologist?

Maybe the motion can also direct (not suggest) that the psychologist read all the information provided.

I am not sure what the equivalent objective testing is in Australia, and have been unable to request the right test at this stage.

BPD/Nxh fooled his treating psychologist and the test used in Australian prisons to precursor threat of violence. He passed with no threat of violence, but it was literally at exactly the same time that BPD/Nxh was violating his ex-gf and putting her in danger with abuse, stalking, physical violence, threats etc. Risk test failed.

I don't want to risk advising a test that BPD/Nxh will pass and therefore reassure the judge that everything is ok.

Any ideas?

I'm not a psychologist, but I've taken the MMPI-2, which is pretty much standard in the US.  My wife took it too.  It has a "truth scale" - a way the responses can be sorted out to determine if the person is telling the truth.  My wife's results showed that she "presented falsely" (lied), and it still showed "multiple psychological disorders".

So my perception is, it's a good test.  It can show lots of different problems - not just BPD - and it's been used for many years and proven to identify problems even when the person tries to fool it.

Apparently the evaluator is relying upon exH's accounts and not the subpoenaed documents.  Perhaps it will be necessary to contrast the nearly glowing report against exH's reported actions at the same time which caused his exGF to seek protection from stalking or whatever.  He cannot be two people at the same time.  You need to make the case that he is able to present himself as seemingly normal in one part of his life when under inspection but still behaving poorly in other aspects of his life.

However what we have observed here more than once is that adults can face restraining orders from the other adult and yet still be seen as sufficiently 'okay' to parent without concern, as though adult behaviors and parenting behaviors were two entirely separate behaviors which were independent of each other.  That may be a factor in how the evaluator wrote his report.

I agree. It's incredible to me that lack of impulse control, anger management, disregard for others physical and emotional wellbeing, peacock displays and intense selfishness (plus many more) are actions that are not deemed relevant to parenting.

I think our situation won't be resolved at the directions hearing (I will not consent to more time) so I will prepare for court. There is a further family evaluation which needs to be done before May too, and it is by the same report writer as last time which is good and bad. I think she understands the diagnosis etc, but she did agree to more time also based on the positive reports by the treating psychologist and the forensic psychologist. Maybe she can do some objective testing. I will have my L request it at the directions hearing.

I am hanging on by a wing and a prayer I guess. I am 100% confident that BPD/Nxh has not changed and is therefore a risk to the children.

It seems to me that there are 2 key points you need to prove:

* Your ex has BPD and/or another psychological disorder, and his behavior shows it.  This can be shown by objective testing.

* Kids who spend too much time with a parent who has a psychological disorder, and who is not in treatment, are at much higher long-term risk - substance abuse, depression, etc. etc. etc.  This can be proved by gathering scholarly research, and calling an expert witness to testify about it.

kormilda,

Your ex sounds worse than mine, tho they are certainly in the same ballpark. Let's say that the recommendation for more time sticks -- how can you mitigate that? Also, is there a way to find out what, exactly, they mean by "more time?"

My N/BPDx currently has 4 hours on Saturdays, and 4 hours on Sundays, unsupervised. He has never been violent to S11, and since the divorce, he has swung from berating S11 to idealizing him, plus the usual alienation stuff. The court recognizes he is unstable (bad manic episode last summer), but they also figure daytime visits on the weekends are safe. Like FD said, they see that the bulk of the problem is N/BPDx's stuff with me. Then they see that he has some big mental health issues. Then they see that he is S11's dad.

I'm guessing that the recommendation to spend more time with your ex is based on similar logic. They know there are problems, but if I remember correctly, your kids spend 4 hours every other week with their dad? Can you be proactive and come up with a plan that allows for more time without putting your kids at risk? Like -- the kids Skype their dad MWF, unsupervised. Or maybe they spend 5 hours every fortnight with their dad. So a very, very conservative increase in time with their dad.

I'm not saying to ignore Matt's advice about pursuing the objective testing, or challenging the recommendation. I'll be doing the same thing if the court finds N/BPDx to be mentally unstable but then suggest he gets more time with S11, which is quite likely. This Saturday, I will be out of town with S11 and he won't see his dad for their usual 4 hours. So I offered 4 hours today in exchange, which is a holiday here in the US. (Nevermind that N/BPDx turned it down). The PC, who worries about N/BPDx's stability, felt that was fair. Her recommendation is that N/BPDx spend more time with S11, too, but in the most limited, controlled ways possible. She once proposed that S11 spend Wednesday from 5pm to 8pm with N/BPDx, which was then revoked because N/BPDx threatened the PC.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that "more time" might be something very, very limited.

You are all so wise, thank you!

Matt, your points would be in line with the forensic psych's own eval (first) "He impressed as a needy man who, provided that he received the emotional attention that he required, was likeable and romantic. It was my futher opinion that once his parter or the target of his emotions turned to other things, he would soon retreat into an angry, resentful and insecure state".

This, I believe, is the most concerning aspect. The kids have 4 hours a fortnight with their fun dad, theme parks, movies, swimming, junkfood, toys etc. What's not to love about that? My concern is that he brings them back 15-30 minutres early when he appears to have something else on to do, and his life as an entertainer means he cannot plan ahead. If the kids do not get the promised outing, they get moody with him and he gets "really" angry. (reported to me by the kids on at least 4 occasions).

More time = more opportunities to be disappointed = more danger for the kids.

You're right LnL that I should come up with an offer of more time. in 4 years BPD/Nxh has NEVER asked for phone calls, Skype, to send a birthday card etc. It doesn't appear to be about a relationship with his kids, just getting what he thinks he deserves. If I can safely increase his 'parenting' time, maybe he will realise it himself?

I think day visits are a great idea and extending to 5 hours does sound reasonable too.

Forensic psychologist has agreed to review the supboened documents and provide an addendum to his report.

We need it to happen before the family report writer meets with me-kids-BPD/Nxh so that appointment may need to be moved by court order.

Next steps will be determined at the directions hearing in a couple weeks.

I'll research our Aussie equivalent of the MMPI-2 and request that it or like assessment is included by the family report writer for an unbiased assessment. (later next month)

Finally, some good news! There are no guarantees, but it sounds like he has considered that maybe his report is not complete or not based on facts. Yippee.

Sounds encouraging - getting some important information into the process... .