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well after her dropping the bomb on me about not sure if she is in love with me or not. I get a call a few minutes ago. She is all happy and cheerfull and full of christmas. Of course this gets me excited thinking that we might actully have a good christmas. BUt just as soon as I started feeling that way I got a slight panicky feeling wonder what was behind the next door. I looked up to see if I was standing under a dark cloud. Just crazy

BPD will vent those kinds of feelings that in any other relationship would be a clear statement of big troubles, end of relationship, goodbye, etc... because they are having those feelings AT THAT MOMENT.

After they vent them out, a lot of times they will calm down and want everything "back to normal".

So this is what she did. She dumped her emo on you, then she felt better. ( and you felt worse!, so learn to detach and keep Wise Mind)

After she felt better, she went back to "normal" and expected you to keep up emotionally. It can be really shocking, happened to me hundreds of times, did massive damage to me until I recently began to wise up. It still hurts, though, and is taking a long time for me to integrate.

I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever things are going well... .waiting for the bomb to drop.  I hope you really DO have a great Christmas regardless of whether your S/O does or not.

Can only agree with elemental. Im still new and still learning bout BPD etc. but its true.

My husband has a way of saying such hurtful things. And at the time it is how he feels. Sometimes it can be valid. But most of the time he puts these labels on me.

A few days later he seems to be so normal as if nothing has happened. To him what was said is over and done with and i feel im left to pick up the pieces.  I cant bounce back as quickly as him. 

Reading this post, i  realized that this is exactly what happens

It is a very strange feeling when someone gives you a verbal blasting then acts just as loving and wonderful as if it never happened.  Although when I've approached the issue of name calling, demoralizing and labeling, he seems to want to justify what he'd said which makes even less sense than when it was said originally!  Good grief!  I'm ok with the ever growing list of my perceived flaws (some actually valid and I'm working on overcoming some issues) and I've put them in writing so I have something concrete to work with.  I know... .  my weirdness, but when I do this it seems to be easier for me to work through the REAL issues and learn better ways to keep my ego from being crushed by the rage of the moment.

yes, I get that feeling too. Luckily, I've learned the signs that my BPD husband is about to have an episode, so I brace myself, because it really is an earthquake of sorts, way up there on the ritcher scale. He will say mean and nasty things. Some of them I think he really means, other stuff, like i'm a cheating whore, he just makes up. he makes up a lot of stuff when he's in a rage. Some stuff is valid, since I'm OCD/anxiety/depression. He uses it to try and push my buttons, but that has quit working with me. He knows what will push my buttons, but I'm slowly learning to 'de-button', and control MY emotions when he tries to shake me up. And just like your BPD, we will go back to normal. Sometimes he'll buy me things, or be really lovey-dovey. He's always sorry he behaved that way.

I am ALWAYS on the lookout for triggers. I ALWAYS have that feeling. Most of the time I can see it coming, but sometimes he will catch me out of the blue. With me being OCD and high anxiety, i am always checking and double checking to make sure I've done the things I need to do to keep him from being triggered. I am at my wits end about it, but I seem to manage.

Two things to watch out for:

1) starting a conversation that you think is simply harmless, that for some reason irritates them and triggers them. It could be ANYTHING, so be careful!

2) them asking you a question, and you don't immediately know the answer to it. It really really frustrates my husband for me not to know. for instance, how much is in the checking account? I haven't checked it I don't know. Well, why not? Why don't you know exactly how much money you have? Well gee I know what i've spent and what should be there so I believe it's X amount. But you don't know for sure? And the rage will begin.

That's my experience. And since my husband is not in therapy YET, it is only getting worse. You will take care of one thing that triggers them, and they find something else. Hence, I always have that feeling. I hope that helps :)

As I am processing things, I am having a really hard time with some of the things he has been saying, a couple of them in particular make me want to stay back from him:

"I am so tired of you." 


Though what he meant is he is tired of me being upset at him all the time. He doesn't want to deal with it. It still hurts and I feel like garbage he kicked out into the street.

Another thing is his actions have been horrible. He acts like he didn't do anything wrong after essentially shattering me into a bazillion pieces. Then he projects how it is all my fault.

If they were only moderately upsetting things, I could handle it, but they are life destroyers, over and over and I am so shocked and in pain, I don't even know what to say to him, let alone validate, etc.

Maybe it's enough for now to work hard on breaking that co-dependant link. =/

Yes, yes, yes! Been there, done that  I don't know how many times my dBPDbf told me (well, screamed really) that he's sick of me, that I'm ridiculous, pathetic etc. Completely soul-destroying words. Then, when he calmed down he acted like nothing ever happened and I still had this big pit in my stomach just feeling so bad. Then I started to anticipate the bad times when things where good, panicking ahead of time, trying to "feel" his mood, asking too many questions about how he was feeling (which REALLY got on his nerves and made him feel like there was something wrong with him, he told me... .  )

It really helps to practise detachment. There are still times when it's hard to detach and his words make me feel absolutely crushed, but I'm getting better at setting boundaries, getting myself out of potentially damaging situations before they happen and just detaching from his words and actions.

Same here, sometimes when my Fiancée is just too happy I am not. Now is the case for instance... .  

And then it I feel like I am spoiling the joy that she so rarely has, because usually I am super optimistic but when she is, I just react in a pessimistic way. Not so good.

I am working on it though, that's hard.

What you are discussing is "our" issues.

Our fears and our worries.

They can seem so overwhelming and so very scary.

And yeah, there are times when our fears and our worries do come true. When our partner does lose it and begin to scream and yell and blame us for doing/not doing something. Those times hurt and seem to confirm that we were right to be anxious.

Learning how to step back from getting wrapped up in our thoughts is a process that takes some practice before you get good at it. Like any skill, it feels awkward and strange at first. The trick is to change your perceptions about what is happening so that you can then change your responses... .  

Our Perception "is" our reality