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Oh no! Received the worst christmas text ever:

"Merry christmas to you!lastyear with christmas I was crying since i wasn't allowed to come to your parents. I forgot how much you hurt me since I felt neglected. While they were asking for me, you didn't want me there. I see on facebookthat you do all kinds if fun stuff - this hurts so i removed you and your friends from facebook. The loneliness is too much. There is novody there for me, they all choose your side.probably your parents were very happy to see you! I'm home alone with two depressive and crying parents. I hope next year I'll have people around me who do really care for me!"

I got scared by this text and felt guilty - so I called her. Told her that i was sorry that she felt this way etc. Tried to validate a lot - but I'm not really good at it.

Last year I was away for christmas one day- to my foster parents. They hadn't seen either me or her often that year. So i wanted some time alone with them - the other days I was with her... .obviously she was really hurt by this.

I tried to talk as calm as I could. She stated that I was switching my moods during te conversation (other projection!)

What can I do? Really want to help again! BPD waif all over :) or am I nuts and did I really injustice her?

Coffees... .I think she is trying to drag you into her personal pity party... .

Of course it must be upsetting to get a text like this today of all days... .

So you felt scared and guilty when you read this... .why?... .

Take a few deeps breaths coffee. There's nothing wrong with spending a day with your parents. There's nothing wrong with trying to rebuild your life after a break up... ie pics on facebook. Someone who is emotionally mature would not hold these things against you. You get to have your life.

Where do you see this relationship going for you coffee?

Actually I really see how disorted she is by this text message - during the call she stated that her 'new girl' which i ran into last week said i switched during the conversation as well - which again makes me doubt my sanity!

During this text and conversation and her crying and me talking calmy i asked her what she wanted from me: she said: that you are nice to me, and speak normal to me. But you always want something more and I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

I sincerely want to be there for her - since I really know she has no friends and really opens up to me about her feelings. I really don't want her back! She is too disorted! The only thing I'm really afraid of is that whatever I say or do she'll never feel that I really do love her... .whatever I do!

I told her I'm not ditching her: so I guess I really have to stick to this oterwise she'll feel really bad again! How can i best explain her that I think she need help? Everytime I say so she says she doesn't have enough money... .

Thanks newton and suzn btw! You've been really giving me great advices these last few hard days! There it goes for 2 weeks of NC

I think we can all struggle with this concept of detachment after a real breakup.  In fact, that is probably why most of us seek support months after the scud.  No doubt this happens even when the partners were not personality disordered... .simply on different pages.

It is a process yes, it is learning to live our lives independently from theirs.  When we 'break up' with someone, particularly barring work/kid/marriage ties, well... .we broke up.  That means we go our seperate ways and discover how to live a life that does not involve the Ex.

Both sides are free at ground zero to do whatever they want and any expectations held 'then'... .no longer exist.  Either side can decide to socialize or become a hermit, either side can decide to swing to the next relationship or take a time out.  Either side can decide to do whatever! Sell all your stuff and become a monk in tibet!

I am still holding my breath... .just a little, not so much anymore, but it is possible, because if my Ex's life since D-day hasn't been so much fun, maybe even "bad", his last fall back for those negative feelings is... ."me". 

Conflicting, because I don't know that I relish the fact that he could be out there not thinking of me and soo happy to be out of the relationship.  I don't know that I relish the fact that my Ex hasn't had the best experiences over the last couple of months as your Ex obviously has not.

Thing is, these things combust when they do... .someone reaches their breaking point.  If you walked away and things aren't great then... .given the disorder, you will not only be blamed for whatever was haywire in the relationship, but also, how they feel after it, because after all... .they didn't leave you... .you left them.  And even if THEY left in a huff... .they never really left, and you left them. And now things are rotten and it is all your fault for not timing the demise of the relationship to ensure that they had adequate distraction, or a replacement for you.

Like a baby with a bottle... .take the bottle out of the mouth, they will fuss fuss fuss... .put a pacifier in... .mmmmm... .OK, that'll do.

At the point you two called it quits with your partnership, she has no right to attempt to make you feel poorly.  It is not your job anymore to ensure she is happy.   If that were the case most of us here on the L3 Detaching board would be psychotically texting and emailing our Ex's blaming them for feeling confused and rotten and having to go through months and possibly years of therapy.

Take a deep breath because most of us can imagine how difficult it was to read and hear that from her.  Deep breaths, keep your center, you are responsible for you, your life, and your well being now, and NOT accountable to her for your own happiness/progress, or her lack thereof.  You are both adults, and you will both have to take your own paths towards healing seperately and without dependence on the other.

Relax and Merry X-mas Eve? :/       

From what you say you can do this. You can be nice to her if you run into her. Being "nice" doesn't mean you have to change your entire life for someone. And when someone says "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" believe them, as hard as it is.  


Very good realization coffee. Her thinking is distorted, or in the least, emotionally immature. You are probably right that you could go to the ends of the earth and she may not believe you. You have NO control over this. YOU know the truth, that's what matters. It is not your responsibility to get her help, if you've discussed it before, then she knows. She is an adult. She is in charge of her health. It's sad, but again you have no control, nor should you have, over another adult.

We do not have a wall of shame for breaking NC.    You are both going through detaching and each feeling your own abandonment issues. This is completely normal. It's ok to exercise Controlled Contact coffee. If you want and need NC then that's ok too. It's your decision and we will support you either way.

Thanks... .you are all so right! There is indeed nothing wrong with going to my parents just one day (which is a year ago and if she felt that way she could have told me). And I'm not going to feel bad about it this year either.

I'd like to have a partner which is at least more emotional mature. That is not her. I did not intentially hurt her - never! It stings that she feels this way!

I offered to come over next week (i know stupid maybe - but i am able to talk calmly indeed). Maybe try to validate a lot again and I was thinking of buying her a bracelet or something to put on her shoes so that everytime she feels like this, she has a reminder that I'm still there? Does that make sense? Or won't it change anything? Like i had a paper with me everyday why i should not call her - a reminded... .

She knows you're still there, you showed that today. coffee your idea to remind her is very kind, it won't change who she is. If so we'd be sellin bracelets here. 

Ok, and if I think I can handle it emotionallythere is nothing wrong in showing her that I am still there... .is there?

Except that there is no use in it for me... .and probably I'm handling out of guilt... .

This is your recovery coffee. You can handle it as you see fit for you.

I would encourage you to look over the lessons and learn the communication skills on the Staying board if you choose to stay engaged. Otherwise you can make things worse, for the both of you.

Coffeee... .how many recycles have you been through?

I think you are doing what feel right to you at this time and you should do it of course and it doesn't matter what any of us in cyber world say or your friends or your little voice.It doesn't.  I dont think very many of us here learned by just listening to others experiences, or the senses of our friends and family then blindly taking THEIR advice.  We learned the way we were meant to learn, in the way, and in the time we were meant to learn.

If you go see her, my hope for you this 'holy' night, is that you are resolute with yourself. We are here... .we support you no matter what... .and so hoping for a wonderful story from you!   We WANT to hear a positive outcome... .for you.  I know I do. I know it can happen and am sending as much positive thought and energy and strength to you and your interactions as I can.

Support her without losing sight of yourself. To feel compassion but not personally responsible.  That is the holy grail of dealing closely with someone personality disordered.  Those are the saffron robes.

 

Thanks for all your support! I really appreciate it!

This morning I called her parents since I was worried and her and I called during the night. Maybe not the best idea - and I'm staying on the leaving board I guess.

I said sorry to her mother for calling with her this late and to wish them a goos x-mas. She asked why we were calling: I told her, cause I wanted to comfort her since she was crying.

Then the phone was given to my ex. She was mad at me: She listened to the conversation between me and her mom and apparently she had the feeling I was telling her mom that she was doing really awfull and that she needed me for support.

That clearly is not the way I see it.

She also stated after this I am being manipulative by being there for her - cause then I'm controlling her. She said she is so happy she broke up with me, since no she get's to see my real manipulative behaviour. Since all our friends chose my side (in my opinion nobody chooses sides, they just talk with me more often) She said she hoped I will change this behaviour, since it is really wrong.

I was not trying to be manipulative, I was just excusing to her parents. Either way I have the feeling I'm always wrong. Though she calmed down last night... .today was awful - she said she never felt bad - only was mad at me since I didn't take her to my parents last christmas.

She still said she wanted to see me on thursday. I didn't respond to it.

After this she just started talking about plain stuff like nothing happened.

I hate this - being split black but I want to help her... .not in a manipulative way.

You think there is any I can do? Have read the book walking on egg shells twice now... .still tend to do things wrong... .

What worked with my ex is I'd respond but in a boring fashion.  No emotion.  And he moves on to find some other comfort.

I've used 'that sounds really rough for you, hang in there!'.   Because I do care about the guy, I just can't take on his angst anymore.  Trying to be supportive as a friend, as a fellow human being while still protecting my boundaries.  My love, caring and support was never enough, I won't go down that road anymore.

Can you think of some responses that can protect you while still being kind but not getting sucked in?  Going NC is an option, too.  Take care of YOU. 

coffee this article will help: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW] (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm)

Within this artilce are the ten beliefs that can get you stuck. Read specifically #9.

Since you two have been in an intimate relationship you are a trigger for her, and she is a trigger for you. Maybe taking some time to step back and take care of you for a while? You do not have to be unkind just be aware of you and your recovery, you matter too.

You can't "help" her. Even if you were a trained licensed therapist, you have been her partner, you are a trigger. She must be willing to get help on her own or it will do no good. A pwBPD has to accept their illness and work diligently, sometimes for years, to recover.

To the right of this screen are the lessons. After reading the above article, work the lessons. This will help you understand more of the complexities of your situation.  :)

The real issue inside me is that she always said she didn't want me to leave. Now look at me what I'm doing while I really want to heal... .leaving her - so yes, she's right

Update! Why is it so hard! She called me again this morning - with number hidden! Though i intended to hang up immediatly I felt pity for her and again comforted her!

She fist said she didn't want to see me, I said ok!

Then she started crying and saying she felt alone especially with christmas! That she was so mad at me! I tried to validate a lot which seemed to work again!

She went on crying how the world was unfair and against her! How people were treating her poorly and that she couldn't do anything about it.

How she was mad at the girl she ran to after she broke up with me since she is in another relationship now. When I said it hurt me to hear these things she just says - well she manipulated me to leave you and you were not being nice to me! So I had to leave!

I validated again and again while her crying about school, parents, christmas, being fat - you name it!

I am so bad in keeping my boundaries! Now she is comforted, I'm worried and didn't gain anything! Just afraid to leave her alone!

She won't meet me, deleted me of facebook - hates me because I'm manipulative - but still keeps crying! And the thing is - she only tells me these things - to her friends all is fine! Si what are her real feelings? These or not? I am not able to help her - affraid for more projecting when I really leave!

So not opening a new post for this, but I do wantro write it down! The smaering has started! Or it had ready started but i didn't notice it yet! I had a friend tell me that friends of her were asking about me since my exgf wrote them a message on fb. Saying she was so happy this christmas since she was without me and she could finally do what she liked! Since i was abusive! She is also telling people I'm stalking her apparently!

All not true in my opinion!

It is so annoying. Luckely she's messing with te wrong girl - it's over - done - i'm out! Yes!

Hey coffees, sorry you've been out through all this. How are you feeling? Have you decided enough is enough after this latest turn of events?

I totally understand your desire to be there for her and help, but it sounds like she's going through quite a bit at the moment, and as your friend (as we all are here), its best you distance yourself from that kind of drama. It's true what they say - she'll cry for help but instead of accepting it she'll pull you under with her. I've been there, I tried to help my exgf after she dumped me (she was the victim remember   ) and I was duly punished for it. My exgf came across as needy and vulnerable, and it inspired all sorts of rescuing behaviours in me... .but she's a survivor. She's doing just fine without me.

You say you're done after this? Yep, I think you've been through enough. You cannot stop your ex from smearing you, unfortunately, but you can walk away and not participate in her games. It feels good to take back the control. You'll be doing her a favour too. Once partners start retreating and stop participating in her madness then the focus will inevitably switch to her. She'll soon realise that she's the common denominator. It make take a while but if people stop aiding her disorder it'll happen soon rather than later. The kindest thing you can do right now is let her stand on her own two feet, and take responsibility for her actions. She will be fine. She's an adult and she needs to learn her own accountability. It is unacceptable that she can treat you this way. She dumped you, yet it's your fault she left, and the other girls fault for persuading her to leave... and she now calls you crying and gets to make you the bad guy? It's totally totally unacceptable and you don't have to take it. You've tried, you've been more than kind, but no one can win against this disorder.

Look after yourself, and surround yourself with the people who know and love you.

Thanks Seb for your response.

On one hand I really have the feeling, enough is enough. On the other hand there still is the feeling which says maybe indeed I did it wrong. I tend to be able to step over this sometimes. But not always. Like this morning it's really keeping me stuck.

That maybe she is right - that I don't know what's true and what's not and that I just want to have an open and honest conversation about this. This is impossible for now. Maybe later.

It get's me stuck thinking she is talking about me to other people in a bad way. I really have the feeling I want to do something about it - but like you said. There is no use in this. It'll only make things worse and the truth will come out.

Third hand I miss her and the good conversations we used to have... .and I feel awfull about the fact that she is having all these bad thoughts about me. When someone is talking bad about you, do they still have good feelings sometimes as well... .or is it all black?

coffees... .I know the conflicted feelings and thoughts you are having all too well 

When we are on the receiving end of large doses of projection, temporarily eased with intermittent reinforcement (well timed drip fed affection)... .it's easy to lose sight of our own reality.

It's important to keep a grip on YOUR truth... .the place for an open and honest conversation about your relationship is here on bpdfamily.com... .I appreciate you want it with her... .the sad truth is at the moment she just isn't capable of that.

If she is talking badly about you to others... .so be it... .it's not pleasant, and it's not truthful.  It's not about you, it's fulfilling a need of hers... .to shift the blame and keep her mask firmly stuck on her face.  Her situation must be the fault of anyone... .except her.

The words she is using about you are delusional... .they are emanating from shame, fear, rage and denial.  These are her feelings talking... .you have become a moving target for those feelings... .they are true to her, but not to you, the people in your personal life who truly know you... .or members here on bpdfamily.com.

It's very easy for me to type "don't take it personally"... .when I went through the same situation as you and remember the pain and confusion of a smear campaign.  Trust me... .with time... .acceptance that it's all about her will give you peace   

Thanks Newton. I do know all this in my mind, but feel different in my heart. I try reading here as much as possible. Not too much though - since that might make me ruminate too much

I informed my boss on the job that if she hears something about me, they first verify it with me, since this smearing campaign is going on. She fully understood. Luckily. I have good friends who also tell me her text messages are delusional and weird - It's so messed up - I very well understand that this is not her fault. And I still love her - I can't even be mad at her. Sometimes my best friends even ask me - why should you still keep your hand above her head (I have not discussed BPD with them, since I think this is unfair and blacksplitting from my side).

I admit I did do things wrongly in our relationship - but I'm not the one fully to blame... .that I need to remember! I tried to love her the best I could, and I think she did that as well... .but our best just wasn't good enough!

I try not to take it personally and remember that's it's her feelings which cause this. I just wished I could make her feel better... .but I cannot!

Tomorrow new years is upcoming, I'll be having some friends over who know about the situation, who where here when she called me like 8 times a day (and who know I'm not the one who is stalking) - they will be with me when I go into town... .I won't drink that much, since I am affraid of whom I might run into... .

On one hand I want to let go and not think about it and just have a fun night, on the other hand - I think at this stage I really need to watch my every move... .

Why is it if contact is made, we are stalking them?    You've been given your get out of jail free card.  Run like the wind, bullseye!     

Someday hopefully quick I'll really feel it this way  Thanks!

Coffee,

You are not responsible for anyone else's feeling or their happiness. Relationships are to be shared not managed. They should me mutually satisfying, not giver taker. You have a right to our own life, feelings and happiness. She is the only one who can make herself happy and if you swoop in to rescue her everytime she's upset or unhappy. If you do, she will never learn how to be responsible for her own self.

Don't let yourself be eaten alive by guilt!

Hugs

Poodle

Thanks for your post Poodle. I indeed think that my feeling of guilt and wanting to help has dragged the situation out as well (point 9 in the leaving discussion)

I'm working on this with a T myself... .but it's hard. I keep feeling responsible - one of my best friends told me: stop! you'll always end up being the one who did it wrong... .in the end she'll jump off a bridge and call you to come and save her. When you get there she'll jump - and she'll leave a not written which says to the whole world you pushed her... .- You can never help her, and never do it right - at least not now... .

You can stop reading if you like, but I keep on venting - since I notice I need it! Otherwise I get angry... .

She again texted me... .don't know what the use in it is anymore - she send me a message that if we'd see eachother in the city tonight she hoped we both behave normally.  (she was the one yelling at me last week - i validated!)

I think she sends this in order to have me react in a way to her and her friends might we bump into each other - so that they won't leave her and I won'd either... .but with new years eve in a big city - why send this - we won't bump into each other... .

hey coffees  it's good to see you posting/venting here... .it's a much healthier outlet than ruminating over it on your own!  |iiii

Pinning down her precise motive for the text, as I guess you know, will be tough.

She may be probing to find out where you are spending the evening... .or simply just wanting to keep herself firmly planted in your mind 

Regardless... .I hope you have a fantastic evening with your friends   

Thanks Newton! I wish the same for you!

Indeed don't worry too much about what she wants with it - remember that we are 4 months out already and she is still constantly crying about stuff and talking behind my back - things won't change!

I hope you don't reply. In fact, I would recommend blocking her number. Poodle

Thanks Poodle! I didn't reply indeed! I'm not ready to change my number or block her - that day will come

I didn't send her a new years wish through text either! Neither did she... .  

If I would have she only would have used it against me: though i wish her a good year with nice oppertunities - hopefully she knows this :)