BPDFamily.com

This is a very specific topic, one that I hope someone could give me some good advice with.  My uBPDh has a tendency to really act negative and condescending to our children.  Not our youngest so much, but the older two who are 7 and 9 very much so.

So this morning at breakfast, my son who is 7 was going to have drama over eating his breakfast burrito that included potatoes.  He is a picky eater and always has been, but I am pretty over it and unless it's spicy or something that the average kid wouldn't touch, I want him to eat it.

So my h, who had made the breakfast, noticed the 7 year old about to have drama and start crying and carrying on.  To my son's credit, he was trying to hold it together, but the thought of having to eat all those potatoes was just too much for him, I think.  So my h goes, well, can we just pack his stuff and he can go live with so and so.  We can send money for food and get pictures by email once in a while.  Now this is pretty typical stuff for him to say.  Usually, I say something like no that's not going to happen, but this a.m. I just didn't say anything.  Nothing.  And then I could see my h waiting for me to respond, like to validate what he was saying.  But I am not going to say that our son should go live with someone else. 

I am curious, what would be a good way to respond to this?  I don't want to say nothing because I think my h finds that totally invalidating.  But I don't want to agree either.  I know saying something at another time about how detrimental this is to our son would probably fall on deaf ears.  So wise people of the BPD boards, how can I handle this gracefully next time?

Tricky stuff 4now - the coparenting.

I live it every day.  Lots of analysis, doubt.  Sometimes there are clear lines that I will draw and sometimes Im just not completely sure.  I do believe that a certain amount of this is normal parenting conflict, but it gets tricky when there is history of abnormal tactics and you are left to sort out where to draw a line.

 

For me - I dont allow threats and bullying of my children.  They get it a LOT - and its more than that, sometimes the threats are real and for sure my wife would follow through with them.  Some is nothing other than emotional child abuse.

If my wife threatened to kick one of my children out to go live elsewhere, I would not allow it.  Because honestly, I will not allow it.  So if this happened - I would interject myself with something like "that is never going to happen.  I will always love you, and care for you, and ensure you have a place to live"

Also - I tell my children (112 times a day according to my 6 year old) that "I will always love you"

I tell each one of them this at least once per day.  I want them to KNOW that they are loved.  That I will always have their backs.  In this way, I hope that some of the catastrophizing doesnt instill quite as much fear - because thats what its designed to do.

I also know I cannot be here every minute of every day.

I dont confront my wife on it.  We cannot control other people.  I just state, factually, my position.  That is that I will NOT be sending any of my children anywhere else to live.  They will always have a place whereever I am (whether my wife is there or not).  This might upset her, but guess what... .she cannot control other people (me) either.

Ah the joys of feeding picky eaters 

I agree with Yeeter, that some of this is differences in parenting beliefs. Some believe in allowing the children to eat what they want, while others believe you eat what I make you. Where it crosses the line is in the threat to throw them out to live else where. That is abusive and probably pretty scary to a 7 year old.

Balancing your H demands and the security of your children isn't easy, but I would always err on the side of protecting them... .and yeah, I know your H won't make this easy, so you may want to seek some advice on the parenting board here too, to help you with developing ways to negotiate this balance.

UFN:  a quick clarification since things have reshuffled a bit.

The parenting board is titled "after the split'.  I find it to be a very different set of dynamics coparenting after a split, than parenting while still in the relationship.  Personally I get a lot out of parenting dialog, but dont visit the other board because much of the tone isnt consistent with staying.

Just wanting to clarify the right forum for posting.

Hello,

I've dealt with this before. I agree that it's OK to ask parenting questions on the staying board since it is a different dynamic than parenting while splitting. I would even suggest to the editors to create a separate board for those of us in this situation, parenting while staying.

So, I think your h feels invalidated by his child's rejecting the food he made. His response is exaggerated. My h has this same sense of humor, which is not funny. I would first validate, what he made is great, you appreciate his cooking, but son seems too full. I agree that he should finish his meal, but maybe next time you could have a hand in the portions. My h gives the kids way too much.

Regarding the comment about sending him away, you could say you would never allow him to live with another family. And children never go to live with another family because they didn't finish their potatoes! (If your h isn't triggered, the humor could help.)

I would suggest reading children's books to your child too, or help make suggestions for what he is reading, since this kind of exaggerated storyline can help the child use their imagination to overcome the negative response. There are good children's stories on anger and loving children no matter what, etc. Of course, telling them you love them no matter what, as yeeter suggested, is always best.

Good luck. I certainly know how it is.

Thanks Go Fish,

You gave me some good suggestions.  And it's even though the behavior was incredibly over the top, as I know it can get with BPD, it is still something that needs to be handled or it could turn ugly!

I like the adding humor bit, too.  I haven't been too successful with this as I usually get on the defense right away. It's like I am hyper-sensitive from dealing with it all for so long. 

Thanks and I agree that a board for parenting with a BPD partner could be helpful for those of us still in the rs