BPDFamily.com

I divorced my BPD husband in March, and hadn't heard from or seen him since then.

Suddenly at Christmas time he appeared at my office door, and OMG he took up right where he left off last March with his rage and crazy talk!

It was as though no time had passed at all. He is still angry about how I abandoned him, and how my abuse counselor and church had brainwashed me against him, etc... .

Now our son is angry, saying that I should have stayed and tried to work things out because his father can't recover from losing me. Our son grew up being abused by his father, and is still being manipulated by him.

I realize that everything my ex said to me was a projection of himself. Especially since the conversation started out by 'you look like PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)'. Then he bragged that I am barely getting by while his standard of living has went up and I shouldn't have left him because now I am suffering. I said I'd rather suffer than live with his crazy talk. LOL

How long does it take for an BPD ex-spouse to move on? Do they ever move on?

Good question.  Some disappear completely, some folks are like your ex and make random appearances.  Wow, that is a long time to suddenly appear!  That must of been a surprise.  Is your boy in counselling?  How old is he?

Our 'boy' is 35 yrs old, but is co-dependent due to his father's alcoholism. His dad has convinced him that everyone is crazy so family should be expected to accept any abuse. Sadder even,  is that my son married someone just like his father who also rages and is mean to him and their children.

I said that is fine if that is how he wants to live, but it wasn't fine for me to live that way anymore. End of story. I'd really like to help my son. but haven't been able to persuade him from his father's views. I guess there is nothing I can do.

Hey Let Me Out,

Having your ex manipulate the truth and your 35 year old son has to be very angering. But try not to take his behavior personal. He's BPD and has essentially lost most of his power over you. He feels victimized by your empowerment and feels entitled to ruffled whatever feathers you have left. A finalized divorce is proof of that. Unfortunately they sometimes will even use their own children as a tool of manipulation. The only thing you can do is communicate to your son the truth. Your son will eventually see the truth of his father.

Is there a way to make sure your ex is not allowed on your job again? Perhaps tell your HR, get a restraining order, or call the authorities? You cannot have a civilized communication with an enraged, victimized BPD! They will pretzel twist, confabulate, lie-tell and do anything to feel like winners! If you try to communicate with him you will be right where he wants you: disempowered and on his level.

Let me out. You have power. Keep the spotlight of healing on you and make it your goal to not be reactionary with your ex. This is what he desires: negative attention. He feeds off of it. It doesn't matter when he'll move on. What matters is that YOU'VE moved. He is no longer your problem.

My ex did a nasty smear campaign. He told me he was happier with the new object. Told me that his life was better without me and pretty much tried to kill me with his words. But you have to see their behaviors for what they are: the desperation of misery loving company. And they'll do it do anyone who'll allow them to spew it.

BTW. You didn't "abandon" your now ex-husband. You've embraced you fully. Keep looking onward and forward. Your future is so bright it's blinding. :)

Spell

Those are great words Spell. I actually moved the office across town after that happened (I was moving the office anyway which is what 'inspired' him to stop by when he saw me moving boxes out).

I told the kids not to tell him where my new office is located. He will find it by driving all over the city looking for my car (he has a long history of searching for me).

That was always really silly; even when we were married he would drive where to ever I went to 'make sure' I was there.

Happy New Year!     

Glad you have divorced him and are looking forward and moving on.

If he ever finds your new office or attempts to confront you again, lock the door and call the cops.

You shouldn't have to put up with him for another second of your life. Bravo for finding the courage (and have the good sense) to get out. :)