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I am doing my best at NC. Phone number changed. Working out of town. Keeping a low profile. And it’s working OK. But I "have" to have some dialogue with uBPDw about the house we co-own. So I use email and I am asking one question. One question only, “Will you contribute ½ the shortfall on the mortgage repayments” (rent does not cover the total mortgage).

After four emails hoping for a reasonable response I get vitriol, abuse, blame and side stories that have nothing to do with the question. I am so used to it that I don’t feel anything. I don’t shed a tear. I don’t get angry. I don’t get frustrated. I don’t feel anything. I have become numb. Blank. I just sigh deeply and have momentary blackness.  I guess it’s a coping strategy. I am pretty sure it has become a conditioned response.I have been so deprived of self expression that I think a part me has died.

All is not lost though. I have begun to reconnect with my adult children (after four years) I “feel” when I speak to them. I feel good. I feel good spending time alone. I feel good being free of the pandemonium.

Hey Mup:

Hang in there.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One minute at a time.  

I'm inspired by what you write about the actions that you are taking.  We all have unique experiences, but the patterns of our interactions are so consistent, that it gives me great hope and faith that the proven methods to finding recovery will also work for me.  I hope that you can find that hope and faith as well.

And the recovery, doesn't just mean that I go back to whom I was before the interaction.  I can grow well beyond what I could have possibly imagined before the interactions.  I have to surrender to the things that I'm powerless over, including the disorder, and I have to focus on me and work at my recovery, but it's possible and the rewards are real.  I will receive a return on the investment of my heart and soul from my efforts in recovery.  While with my ex, I got nothing back, and gave and gave and gave, until all that was left was a shell.  But I can fill that shell the way that I want to now.

That fill includes doing the will of Good Orderly Direction, looking at my core wounds, and filling the real me, not the false ego or shame-=filled self, but a real me with strengths and shortcomings, and with acceptence, love and humility.

I have faith that all of the above is true for me and for you as well.  I've read your writing, and you inspire me and others, and visa versa.  

Keep hope and faith in our hearts.

SP

The numbness you feel is just part of the process my friend.

I've felt it early on. Its a feeling of hopelessness, like youre trying to reason with a child.

Once the numbness goes away, it went from anger, sadness, relief, back to any of the feelings. Eventually they are not as intense as the original feeling. NC has helped me alot, after 90 days i guess most people feel the best about and im almost there.

Hi, sorry you're going through that, but good for you to be aware of what you need to do to change and following through with it, too. As far as the quote above, yes, I felt that way too, still do sometimes. It's as if we've been singing to someone who can't really hear our songs, can't accept them, can't believe in them. Sing to yourself for now. Write yourself the best song to share with someone else when the chance comes up (the right person, not just anyone aka someone else who can't hear your songs). If it's not a song, express yourself however you really feel. Write, share, post, paint, dance, whatever helps you feel expressed. The time is now. You're your own best audience. Peace.

Thank you folks.

It’s nice to be able to vent with others that have been are going though the same. I am aware that I am on a slippery slope of the “process” and trying to gain traction. I get a toe hold on my life and then slip and stumble. Having difficulty getting to sleep . Without some sort of stimulus the mind wanders and roams to all sorts of places. I am pleased they are not dark thoughts. They are generally optimistic and positive. But I have such a deep, dark whole to crawl out of . Thanks for letting me share.

You sound like you are doing awesome at a difficult time. For me the first 3 months of the break-up and also the first 3 months of total NC were the hardest. Sometimes it was one breath at a time. I had a couple unexpected gifts in the middle of all the grief.

One, I felt so much relief at all kinds of things.  Two, I actually felt peace and serenity in my home again. Three, almost o/n I came out of social isolation and I found supportive people at every turn. Turns out people were staying away from me because of my ex.

One thing that I'd like to suggest (and may sound woo-woo, cheesy, simplistic, whatever): a daily gratitude list. I would make a list of 5 things for which I'm grateful every day. I would do it every morning. Five was the perfect number so I'd have to think a bit. I swear this helped me focus on positive stuff when things were so hard. I put these in a Sierra Club engagement calendar and I got the gift of seeing these lists build over the entire year (just passed my 1 year point of breakup of 9 years r/s with ex BPD gf).

Thanks ex,

I think I am doing OK. NC is working but I suppose to large degree that is out of sight out of mind. And I am filling my mind with other things that I have completely neglected for a long time. And it feels good. My daughter, who I have not spoken to for three years, is back in my life.

I like your idea of the five daily gratitude’s. I am keeping a journal but obviously the focus of that is my current thoughts. Some positive some negative. Tracking and focusing on the positive sounds like a great idea.

I too am amazed at the support that is around. People I had actually neglected at the expense of my ever-present attempts to get the r/s right with my uBPDw