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Painted black almost the entire holidays.  She did thaw slightly on Christmas, because I asked her if she could just try to be happy for the children.  She is in a really bad way, and it is because of our already discussed in another thread (touchy subject) issue.  We can't talk about it to try to work things out, because that simply doesn't work.  

I do love her, and I love my step children immensely.  Divorce would mean not only losing her and everything we have worked so hard to build but also my kids (and to me they are my kids).  I was older (early 40s) when we married.  It was my first marriage, her third.  I do not have biological children and do not want to lose my kids.  They also should not have to deal with another divorce.  They have had relative stability for the first time, and it should not be taken from them.  I hate this life.  I try to make things work, but I am miserable.  I do not know what to do.

And I got to thinking... .  it probably is a 'moot' point anyway, because of my health.  I do not know how much more of the stress my body can take.  During the holidays, I was sick the entire time.  I have lost over 40 pounds in the last year.  Almost my entire family had heart disease.  I have many ailments already, and I suffer almost daily panic attacks from the fear of confrontation with her.  I guess it is just a question of which will break first, my spirit or my body.  I am afraid it will be my body.

Down, what are you doing to take care of your health, both emotional and physical?

For my physical health, I do see doctors.  Most of my problems, though, are chronic ones and are managed with medications.  I am scheduling an appointment with another one, about my sickness during Christmas.  As for emotional health, there really isn't much I can do.  I saw a counselor one time, but it wasn't very helpful.  I don't have any family to talk to, and my best friend isn't available much, though I do talk to him when I can.  I try to remain detached as best as I can from the emotional chaos of my life, but it is difficult.  I am an 'outdoor' person, and this makes winter absolutely horrible.  If I can be outside, working in the yard or garden, I am so much more happy.  I have never been diagnosed, but I am pretty sure I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  It was never really this bad, though, before I got married.

Hello Downandin

I'm worried for you. Please take good care of yourself. It's good that you are seeing a doctor for your physical health. Is there not another counselor/therapist/psychologist you can see? Even thought it didn't help much the first time, it might be different with another one. It's not just a question of credentials, but also of personal chemistry, whether you feel comfortable with the therapist.

Detaching is hard, I know. If it's not possible to see a therapist, you'll still find lots of great advice and help here. 

down,

    ohhhh! That's not good. I'm sorry to hear you sound so defeated right now. It is a rocky road, and I know all too well that it gets worse before it gets better for the long term. Don't let the stress get to that point. If you have to, pretend you don't care as much in order to start getting the emotional distance you need. You may have to disengage a bit further emotionally for a while in order to regain some stability before you find the right balance that's going to be more consistent on the long-term. I know that's what I had to do in order to get through it. I used to not really believe that stress can manifest itself in a physiological way to the extent I'd seen widely reported for years. I found out years ago during the last few years of marriage to an alcoholic that the link between mental health and physical health is VERY REAL. I'm in my mid 40's as well, and while the body changes over time, no doubt, you are still relatively young. Try to pinpoint some specific things that are stressing you out, and work on eliminating them one at a time. Don't know if that will work for you, but it sure did for me.