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My success came when I discovered that borderlines will interpret anything and everything we do to suit their twisted view of that particular moment in time. I realized that the best thing to do was to be myself and use her predictable behaviors against her.

The waif who stalks me at work and prays for my wife's death took about 3 months to get used to her new boundaries and has been behaving quite nicely for some time.

People with this disorder and many other struggles (e.g.,  depression) often have an impaired sense of empathy.   The DSM committee identified 4 criteria to discern a PD - impaired empathy is one (also identity, self direction,and intimacy).  Is this what you are saying? more info (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114843.msg1106411#msg1106411)


This part is confusing to me.   Are you simply saying that you stopped worrying about her actions and went on with your life?  This is a good tactic and makes sense if you are disengaging from the relationship.

So is this an example of a "success" in ending a relationship?  Is that your intent?

I'm saying that the waif is predictable. Some of the predictability stems from my understanding of her disorder; some comes from the traits associated with her in general. Once I knew what I was dealing with I quit "walking on eggshells" and went on about my business... .  AND... .  used her predictability to modify her behavior toward me in a way that has put the relationship where it belongs.

We work in the same office. We rarely speak to each other but when we do it is cordial, brief, and strictly business. It took me about 3 months to get her to this place and since getting her there, she behaves pretty normally around the office.

It was an interesting journey getting her to this point but she is there and I call it a success in behavior modification.

Has she shifted her interest and obsession away from you as a result of you not engaging on anything other than in "appropriate" ways?

Is this more about you controlling how you react to her, and hence reducing the inappropriate interest in you, rather than an attempt to control or manipulate her?

No she has changed the way she acts because she doesn't like being iced out by me. From the beginning of the disengagement my reactions have been consistent. The boundaries have not changed. I would catch her staring at me or peeking around corners at me. She also tried to get a reaction out of me by making sure I see her interact with other men (she watches for my reaction from the corner of her eye).

She didn't get what she wanted so she would stop for a while. After a month of "good behavior", I would speak to her. Early on she would seize on that contact as an excuse to try and assert herself. I would then go back to ignoring her until she backed off.

The most recent interaction shows me that she gets it now. I congratulated her for having a good sales month and wished her a happy birthday. I can tell by her reaction that she still wants to sleep with me. But there has been no goofy behavior from her since and things seem to be quite normal. She still looks for reasons to walk by my desk but it isn't like it was before.

So to recap: she has not lost interest. I haven't changed. She has learned that goofy behavior has negative consequences. I think in her mind if she waits long enough she will finally get me to have sex with her. Hopefully, she will eventually give up... .  but for now she's all about me.

How is your wife doing?

Do you really think this true?

Wow.       Uncouth. 

Hi IHC

An interesting dynamic going on.  Tell me, do you find her attractive?  Desirable?  If you were young and single, is this someone that you would ask out on a date?

Or conversely, do you find her unattractive?  Repulsive?  The type of person you would avoid at all costs?

I get it that you have drawn boundaries.  But Its not clear what your feelings for HER are?

The answers to your questions are found in my earlier posts.

Reading your previous posts just made me more confused about the question.

I read:

Daddy daughter relationship

You are attracted to her

You were flirting with her at one point

You feel she is a stalker (thus is different than attraction)

You want her to go away

You are afraid of her

Annoyed by her

You are an older coworker as a mentor to her



Then Lots of stuff about hat you think SHE feels. 

But its still not clear at all (to me), what YOU feel.  Seems to be all over the place. It might help the unspoken messaging, if you came to grips with yourself over what your feelings are for this person.  Then you could make a course of action on hale to interact (not just words, but actions)

I don't know too many people that are infatuated with someone that is genuinely repulsed by them.  (waves question was a good one... .  Would you be sending the same subtle messages if it was a gay guy doing this to you?).

wow you sure do have a way of completely misreading stuff.

It's very possible that I misunderstood your posts.  Which, is why I asked you directly.  I think it's likely very relevant.

Please keep in mind that my posts over multiple boards are in a way a reflection of myself coming to grips with the situation... .  in tandem with trying to wrap my head around the threat of a cruel death for my wife of 32 years and the subsequent suicide of my only child.

So with that in mind, I can tell you that I am trying to construct a healthy work environment for both of us. My feelings for the waif have weaved all over the highway but the bottom line is that I see her as the abandoned child I adopted for my own. I will also tell you that I have revealed a fraction of what I know about her. There is a part of me that grieves for her as if she were my own child.

So you can think what you will, but my motives are pure.

Please be careful. You said this woman was praying for your wife to die and is trying to manipulate a dramatic situation where you have sex with her.

Any person who tells you that they are praying for the death of your loved one and who is repeatedly maneuvering you to have sex with her could create huge difficulties.

It sounds quite disturbing. What did you say to her when she told you she was praying for your wife's death? You must have been quite shocked and pained.

Who is supporting you? Other than the gentleman who is witness to your predictions on the reactions of this woman to your discliplinary actions to control her behavior? Hopefully he is willing to speak for you in this situation if questions arise in your job enviroment over your interactions with her.

All my bases are covered.

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