BPDFamily.com

My husband has to pay me a minimal amount for support which is due on the 1st of the month. The last two months, he has included mementos that he's kept from years past in the envelope. The first one was a letter I wrote to him a few years before we married. In the letter I wrote how he was the only person who really understood me and how much I appreciated him for that, etc. The second memento I received was actually a picture of me also most likely prior to our marriage because I was smiling

It is interesting to me that he includes these "gifts" because I think his intent is to "get" to me. But the effect of him sending them to me has had the opposite effect, especially the letter.

One of the things I read about BPD is during the beginning of the relationship, they are very good listeners, seem to know just the right things to say, appear extremely connected to your personal experiences. It has become my nature to question my intuitions so sometimes I wonder if I am over analyzing my H and perhaps he doesn't have BPD as he has not been formally diagnosed. But getting the letter from him that I wrote at the beginning of our r/s served as one form of validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) that my H has BPD characteristics. When I read the letter, which I had not seen since I wrote it some 35 years ago, I actually smiled and silently thanked him for sending because it helped me to not question myself.

The second "gift", the picture of me said a lot as far as what my H holds onto emotionally. Another thing I read about BPD is at the beginning of the r/s, they may idolize you and tell you how you are the perfect person for them. Prior to getting married, my H used to carry around a clipping out of a magazine that described the perfect woman. I clearly remember him telling his father about the clipping and telling me how I fit that ideal and he had been waiting all his life for me. The picture he sent, to me, clearly represents the ideal that he has held onto and held me accountable for living up to. So again, I smile and thank him for sending this to me.

I'm actually looking forward to next month to see what my next memento "gift" will be.

I haven't written my story yet but watch out for this ploy.  You may be playing with fire. 

You are already looking forward to the next 'gift' but that gift may be a Trojan horse into your heart.  Considering how deep the hold goes with a BPD, one of these 'gifts' may pluck a heart string that would open you up to more hurt.

I am not sure which state you live in but he should be paying you through a clearinghouse, not directly.  In fact, in a lot of states, paying you using the method he is may be considered a gift and not going toward support.

By responding even with a smile is enough for him to feel there is a chance to get to you.  That may cause more drama, especially if you've already put the drama behind you.

Take care.

shieldedheart, you made very good points and I gave a lot of thought to what you wrote. Often times I get information on this board that gives me a little more understanding of how damaging a r/s with a pwBPD is and your response did that for me, especially "considering how deep the hold goes" comment. I think I still try to minimize how bad the r/s was and so am surprised when I experience an emotional setback but the hold really does go deep doesn't it.

I think when I posted this I was feeling quite proud of my ability to feel "neutral" about his gifts but the reality is that everything he does has some impact on me emotionally.