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I wanted to tell you all thank you for your support and responses or just reading my post!

I realize that being isolated is a huge challenge but I now realize it is my severe anxiety that is the real issue... .  

After my mom died I asked my dr for Xanax as I had taken that in the past and it really helps... .  She flatly refused and instead put me on an antidepressant which just increased my anxiety and turned me into a zombie. I couldn't eat , couldn't sleep , and I developed the habit of clamping my jaw shut 24/7.

Any way I got off that and it took about a month to feel " normal " again... .  

A friend of mine gave me a handful of Xanax that I have only taken as needed over the last few months... .  And I only have a few left and decided to talk half of one yesterday... .  

I can't tell you how much better I felt... .  

I was just calm... .  It was soo nice...

Nothing about my situation had changed, just my ability to be calm and not let feelings of panic and fear literally prevent me from doing anything... .  

My anxiety is back in full force this morning, but now I know this is my challenge I am going to get on with my day as planned... .  Go down and clear out my moms house etc... .  

Im going to go the the health food store and get some valarian root which is a natural sedative and see if that helps with my anxiety... .  

If not I will find a new dr. To get some Xanax.

It really is unfair for any one to have such debilitating anxiety when there is some thing that can be done about it... .  

Any way thank you all again for keeping me in your thoughts!

Hang in there Seahorse1, sounds like you and I have a few things in common.

Anxiety and depression meds vary so much from one person to another--but you employ your doctor and they should listen to what you tell them about how you are reacting.

I got on anti-anxiety drugs about 2 years into my relationship--solely to deal with him.  Went off after a while, then on antidepressants to deal with my dad's death.  I had a few xanaxes to get me through panic attacks at that time, as my exBPDbf decided that now was when he really wanted to commit to the relationship and wanted me to recommit actively as well, when all my energy was taken up with grieving.  I have a few left, I only use them in crisis with my BPD.  My goal is to still have some left at the end of this new year.

I am on 1/2 trazodone pill (25 mil) for sleep, which really helps (always had insomnia even before exBPDbf.)  One thing I have found that helps is exercise.  Whenever I feel really keyed up I go for a walk or workout.  I imagine the stress chemicals being "burned up" as I work my body.  With physically cleaning out your mom's house you will be tired but perhaps a brief walk if weather permits or some stretching might help with the anxiety.  Stay hydrated as well--most of us aren't getting enough water. 

It's hard to take care of yourself--the bad things are what we want to soothe us when we're upset (at least for me!)  Perhaps if you can try some of these things some of the time, they will help!

Have you tried Kava Kava?  Should be able to find it at the health food store too.

It is Very Effective for calming.  I'm not a specialist, but I did use it during an extremely stressful time when my father got seriously injured and I couldn't get to him for a week.  In fact, I kinda overdid it!  Got very Numb Emotionally and in fact, appeared "inappropriately emotionless" by the time I got to the mainland.  But, then, I didn't care! And Daddy was gonna survive.  (now, a little embarrassed, but my sister's understand!)

Also, you don't want to eat it everyday for long periods of time as I think it can be hard on one of your organs (kidney?liver)  Check it out before you try it.  BUT... .  it does work, for sure.  Stick to recommended dosages and wait for effects instead of just gobbling a bunch, repeatedly, like I did.