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so he's been nice to me the past few days... .  he just gets home and i'm talking to him kinda like normal, joking a little... .  and Isay something about his boots being on,i washed floors yesterday and he says oh I didn't know, sorry... .  he's gonna go get a part for the dryer and he's by the back door so he says he'll goo out the back and could I open the garage for him... .  i say sure... .  the whole garage stinks of weed

   Now he quit a few days after he said he was confused about wanting our daughter and the day he quit was a BigBIG blow out between us, which hasn't ever happened befor... .  any ways now he's smoking again... .  i pretended not tonotice... .  not that it matters but when he smokes he's calm... .  but when he starts to smoke to much he can't get high any more and then he becomes a monster... .  like he's been... .  i forgot all about the fact that he quit... .  

     I don't think its good cuz then he can forget everything, but he's relaxed... .  but then he doesn't think he needs therapy... .  he has been saying he's gonna go... .  probably not now!

Hi McCarthy, I can relate to this - my uBPDw has started "self medicating" and its not something I'm happy about, despite the fact that she's much calmer and it seems to bring her rages under control. But I feel its just masking the problem and as long as she self medicates, its just prolonging the possibility of her ever coming to terms with it and getting a possible diagnosis. It sounds like your H has a fairly high tolerance, like my W.  My wife also has a tendency towards drink, not a huge amount, but there is alcoholism in the family, so Im wary of any sort of substance abuse. I'd be interested to here what other people here think about the whole issue of self-medicating.

I've posted on this before, and this comes at a great time as my dBPDbf and I got into it about this last night.

It's not the fact that he smokes pot. It's that when he has it he smokes it nearly non-stop. The moment he wakes up in the morning before work and on the weekends, the moment he gets home from work. He abuses it like an alcoholic does alcohol. He's been trying to quit over and over again for the past 10-11 months. He went 2 weeks once. One week twice. He's fed up with himself, but it still has a hold over him. It's his crutch.

For over a month he's been telling me that this is it, he is not smoking in 2013. He looked me in the eye and said, you have to trust me. You believe me, right? Last night I came home and smelled it. And his response is "Its just a little bit I had leftover, its not like I bought it or anything. Don't ruin our night and blow this out of proportion."

We did start to fight about it, took a good long break, came back to it and I was able to tell him that specifically asking for my trust in something and then breaking it two days later and acting as if it's no big deal is why I have trust issues with him. That I won’t believe he's actually quitting until it’s been at least a month. Or more.

I feel lucky that we can have conversations like this now. 10 months ago it would have been a rager with him projecting everything he feels about himself onto me. Pot is just one of the issues. Now, he is just ashamed of the person he is and daunted at how much he has to learn. He doesn’t understand why I’m still with him, and sometimes I don’t either. It should be an undying love that exists underneath all the pain, but I’m not even sure if I feel that anymore.

Dysfunctional coping behavior is the rule not the exception with BPD. Whether it is alcohol, substance abuse, medication (self or often with the support of doctor), cutting, spending, gambling, sex, food, work, risk taking, fight seeking,... .  (I'm sure there are plenty more)

In some cases (alcohol) tackling dysfunctional coping behavior can be a precondition for therapy.

However from a partner perspective fighting dysfunction coping behavior head-on is a challenge as

  - one behavior can be switching to another maybe even worse one

  - we protect them from consequences of their doing

  - we are controlling which is invalidating and causes further need for coping thus defeating ourselves

  - we tend to get too deeply involved into their lives thus driving a co-dependent partnership dynamic

In some other cases it is clear that something needs to be done. Downing every day a bottle of whiskey and then going for a drive - not safe for anyone close. A cleaning obsession - hmm, may be irritating, can be expensive but may be tolerable. Stopping the cleaning obsession may cause a switch to cutting or binge eating.

It is worth looking at the consequences of their behavior. Consequences for us and consequences for them. Any dysfunctional coping behavior does have negative consequences (by definition) however they also provide learning opportunities (when consequences realize) and they may be the best choice of worse choices. In any case they do provide some relief.

As said fighting head-on from our vantage point is sometimes necessary but often not the most promising route. Helpful strategies are:

  - decrease the need for coping

       - avoiding invalidation, validation

       - relationship founded in reality: SET

       - provide structure in life

  - coach healthier coping strategies

       - mainly a domain of T's (there they shift from e.g. cutting to rubber band snapping with the latter maybe not healthy but less problematic)

       - support them in what we observe helping them to regulate (e.g. if we see sports has done them well making sure that stuff has our support)