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I'd like to see if anyone has insights into why BPDs have a heightened sense of abuse/harassment ?

Is it because they were abused as children so they feel easily threatened as adults?

Or is it just part of the disorder that makes them feel they are being criticised and they react like drama queens?

The reason I am so keen to understand this aspect of BPD, is because it ultimately lead to the break up of my relationship with my exgf.

She was always claiming she had an abusive past. Every woman she had dated had either: emotionally abused her, sexually degraded, attempted rape, stalked or harassed her in some other fashion. She also told me she didn't have a happy childhood and was bullied throughout her childhood- and apparently her parents and teachers did nothing.

I always found this strange. I never questioned my ex about it but her parents were the most loving nurturing couple Id met outside my own. The mother was herself a teacher and I couldn't fathom how she would have done "nothing" to help her bullied daughter!

My ex told me she resented her parents to this day because they had a " toughen up" mentality and my ex apparently had severe separation anxiety and was a very sensitive troubled kid. Her parents had told her she was being too sensitive and to be stronger and more assertive. But regardless- she felt traumatised that nothing was done and even at age 27 she had to see a therapist because she started thinking about it.

Anyway... I found her stories in general started to not add up. She'd also change her opinions on things that she'd always been so firm about. I felt I didn't get her.

Her stories of abuse were inconsistent ie an ex she claimed was frigid and distant later became a rapist/predator.

I recently found out she had completely lied about this one woman she claimed was obsessed with her and harassed her so much she had to be "cut off". She was always cutting off people over small arguments

And she dumped me because I told her she was too inconsistent  and very defensive when asked about her inconsistencies!

She cracked it at me and told me I was implying she was "deceptive" and nobody had ever said that to her ever. We had also had a text fight and she later tells me my texts were a "form of harassment".  Yet- she was equally participating in the text fight.

She is also a drama queen by the way...

She even changed her number when I tried to apologise!

I have since been wiped off the face of the earth and made out to be a crazy harassing ex.

I do know that my ex was once dumped over text message which may explain why she tended to overreact to texts...

But I just can't figure out where this sense that they're being abused and harassed comes from?

It's projection.  People with BPD tend to treat people close to them abusively and then claim those people are abusive, not them.  I remember the first big blow out with the Ex, he started yelling at me that I was so controlling.  What the?  Was he looking in a mirror?  It was so bizarre to me at the time.    Now I get that they take their own worst qualitities and project it onto the partner.  Trying to get them to see this is fruitless. 

I see...

I was pretty horrified when I found out my ex had lied about this one girl being obsessed with her and harassing her daily on the phone etc

I even met this so-called harassing girl recently (friend of a mutual friend) who told me that my ex raged at her for no reason and cut off the friendship. She told me she was never obsessed with her and thought it was outrageous. She had thought for a long time my ex was bipolar or unwell

It's scary to think that my ex may have even lied that her other ex had tried to rape her.

That's so serious. And she is a trained Lawyer.

Don't they think that their words could be seen as slander and they could get in trouble?

Besides projection... do you think they actually just feel threatened easily too?

My ex was always cautious in bars... was always looking out for danger

It is impossible to say what causes it. Most believe there is both a genetic predisposition to emotional sensitivity and a nurture aspect to it. It could 90 percent one and 10 of the other though. My ex's mother left the home when she was six and didn't hear from her again until she remarried. I'm sure that played a huge part in mine. I think some may mostly be born with it though.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266)

There is a series of links to workshops on BPD behaviors.


I think this is probably a bit extreme. Are you implying you could have saved things if you understood a bit more? You were in a difficult relationship with an emotionally immature person. It caught you off guard. All relationships are going to have hard times. She didn't have the tools to cope with it when it came time. You didn't understand she didn't have those tools and wanted her to be reasonable and work things out. She can't handle conflict without these behaviors manifesting themselves. This is who she is. I know it is hard to accept but the person you fell in love with really is disordered. That is the key reason your relationship failed.


You are bringing up the core of her issues. This is her baggage you are bringing out by pointing out her flaws and inconsistencies. She can either take responsibility for it and accept it or project it onto you and blame you for being a liar and a harasser. You were in danger of exposing her. This is why you were split.   :light:

Thanks for your message OTH...

My friends have actually said similar stuff to me. They said that even if their partner told them they didn't trust them, they woudn't just dump them over it. It's not break up worthy. Particulary if they had been together for so long.

They'd be concerned and want to talk about why the partner feels this way... what has caused it and why they are so emotional.

It does feel like... although I didn't specifically say "I think you're lying about abuse" and used other silly examples... .  she picked up I was calling her deceptive and kept focusing on it and got scared.


The reason I have doubted mysef the past few months is that my ex told me I "need help" and that I am a suspicious person. She told me when I question her over her inconsistencies, she detects "an underlying suspicion" in my questioning and she has to  sanitize her answers to make them palatable for me (right... .  ok).

She was trying to say that I'm the one with the problem. I'm the overly suspicious one and untrusting one- and she is innocent and being 'harassed' by me.

Just some background... .  the woman I dated before this BPDex was lying to me about her sexual history the whole relationship and later confessed to it. So I have been lied to before. In a way, I seem to get gut instincts about people and seem to end up realising they may be lying (although sometimes delayed).

Same with this exBPD. I got an inkling something wasn't right about her head.  I just couldn't pinpoint it...

So my exBPD told me that I have "baggage" and was burnt by my lying ex and THAT'S why I do not trust her.

Even so... .  why would you then dump someone over that unless you are in fact running away from being exposed?

Sometimes I do tend to think I was too harsh on her at the end. This is my daily battle... .  I have questioned my own self if I am too suspicious and that I need to not read into things :s

The break up argument started for what may appear as a stupid reason.

My ex was always very conservative sexually. She wasn't into regular sex (fairly low libido) text sex and was against sending nude photos to me via cell phone. She told me she would never send such ever.

I accepted it and was fine with that- it wasn't her.  So I got to know this is the way she is for 2.7 years.

Among other things that would change... .  one day she randomly sent me a large photo of her breasts to my cell phone. I was surprised. It was out of character.

I think I was already confused about some of her changes in stories of abuse... changes in opinions and such. And I felt like after so long together- I didn't have a clear picture of who she was and what she stood for. I think I craved consistency with her...

I understand people grow and change, sure. But I felt that I kept hearing of new abuse stories... her opinions seemed to change dramatically... she changed stories of what exes did and said to her etc.

For some reason-  her sending me the nude shot out of the blue made me suspicious.

It didn't sit well with me and I wondered why someone who was so against this for so long (and always reiterated she would NEVER send me such) had randomly changed her mind.

Was she insecure with me?    I had long suspected she was insecure as she always seemed worried I would leave her for overseas or interstate or something. She even said she felt like a "liability" with me.

So I had to ask her why she randomly sent it to me. She was all vague about why she changed her mind and then started to say "well... I didn't know you that well in the beginning"

I probed her and then she SNAPPED and barked "I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU OK!"

And this is what set me off too. I got fed up of her changing her actions/opinions and that I could never ask why or what was up with it. I felt that at that stage in our relationship- you should be able to ask your partner why they change their mind or if you don't get their behaviour.

Would anyone else find it a bit out of character if their partner randomly sent them a nude photo after for 2.7 years insisting they were against it?  would you ask your partner why they changed their mind?

Sometimes I feel I should have let it go... it wasn't that important. But all her inconsistencies suddenly surfaced in my head and I didn't understand why she was so defensive

Diana if you read up on the workshops and questions about BPD board on specifics of the disorder it will probably give some good answers to the why's of the behavior.

I'd start with the what is BPD? Thread on questions.  Then look at the top behaviors like like splitting, projection, etc.

The disorder often comes out in really contradictory ways.  People that have the traits or the disorder are usually sensitive people who have experienced childhoods that had some kind of invalidation, abuse or neglect.  It doesn't have to horrific abuse tho, sometimes it just working parents.    They are hypersensitive to perceived abandonment, rejection or judgment.  The coping skills carried into adulthood, along with the unresolved childhood issues, play out on repeat with people that are the closest to them.

Clinically the disorder is marked by a longstanding pervasive pattern of unstable relationships across many areas of life since adolescence.  

Have you checked out the questions about BPD board?

Thanks I will read through these...

But I just want to hear other people's opinions on how they would have addressed inconsistencies. Anyone experience similar to me?

Or did anyone tell their BPD they don't understand their stories or go as far as tell them they're being deceptive... and what was the outcome?

   No sense of a stable 'self'.  My ex would constantly change hats.  He could only do the husband 'role' for about a year.  He is ever changing fluid collection of personalities.  Like playing dress up as a kid.  Who are we today?  He especially liked activities where he got a shirt with his name on it.  Questioning just gets you confusing nonsensical responses.  They have no idea who they are, it takes a self to self reflect.

Nobody likes being lied to. Especially when it is somebody close to us. We feel betrayed. Some people get angry. Some people confront their partner. Some people quietly stew about it. Some people weigh whether the offense is worth the confrontation that will occur and either engage or let it go (or talk about it with someone else to help relieve the hurt feelilngs).

Two fairly well adjusted adults can have a conversation and try and work it out. That isn't going to work well when talking to someone with a PD. They will get defensive and feel threatened.  

My ex has lied about past relationships. Lied about her parents. Lied about illness. Missed her brother's wedding she was supposed to be in and lied about the reason for it. When I was neck deep in my relationship I would get into circular arguments. We would go back and forth and back and forth. I could not understand how she could not see what was so obvious. Months after our breakup I was able to talk to her a bit from a diferent perspective. I don't do circular arguments. I don't let her yell at me. I don't even offer my opinion unless she asks. I might prompt her and ask her if she wants to know what I think. I am emotionally detached though. I keep very even keeled if we talk. There is improvement in the way we communicate now. I don't judge her and just let her be. I see the real her and accept her as she is. She is not a good relationship partner. She is not the love of my life, best thing to ever happen to me, my best friend, soulmate, etc. That was a fantasy I held onto until reality forced its way into my head. Emotionally we want the fantasy so bad it makes it impossible to see what is in front of our own faces. This is our problem though. Not theirs.  Stop Walking on Eggshells and Loving Someone with BPD give great tips on improving communication to high conflict people.      

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/index.htm (https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/index.htm)  

OMG- I am reading snippets of my marriage!

My wife's first husband... .  when they got divorced he ended up stalking her. Cheated on her... .  he was apparently just a bad guy and I can actually confirm that in the small dealings with him. Wife was also raped twice in her teens. But according to her, it was an issue dealt with, and in all reality wife and I have had a really good life for the last 14 years.

But it was like a light switch flipped when wife cheated on me 18 months ago. NOW... all the typical BPD behavior is coming out. Projections, splitting... .  you name it! What is interesting now is because wife has an unrealistic view of how the money came in she is telling everyone I "abused" her. Plus there was an incident the last night he were together where we talked through so much and got a little physical, but I felt her pulling back so I stopped. That has now been turned into "husband raped me".  I am now hearing from our daughter that she is afraid I will physically harm her and that I am stalking her. I am floored!

But here's what's happening... .  all the undealt with abuse from her x-husband has been projected on me. In fact she has gone so far as to tell me at one time "you are worse than my x-husband". So all the pain, abuse, stalking fears, etc... right or wrong, that's me.

So to answer your question... friends of ours have called my wife out on all these inconsistencies. Rape?  That wasn't rape!  Abuse? What are you talking about? And they have caught her in these "lies". The sick thing I am discovering is that my wife kinda really believes all this and as time goes on it gets more ingrained that this really happened. I see it as a justification for her behavior of pushing for our divorce and this adulterous relationship. She has to justify it in her mind somehow. And all those people that have "called her out", she has just about cut them off and surrounded herself with new friends that don't really know her or her history.  I myself have confronted my wife saying, "You know very well I didn't rape you." and then she deflected by saying, "Well you abused me." in a weak attempt to justify all the wrong she has done.

I'm in the middle of all this so I can't necessarily give you a final outcome, but we (all our friend and me) are watching her wondering wth is going on, and even a lot have just given up and walked away from her and just told me, "I'm so sorry you are going through this." Gee thanks... .    :'(   But I guess this is to be expected.

Hi sprat...

Interesting post. I too feel that I was blamed for all my ex's past abuse or pain.

I had written my ex an email asking her for more explanation and I had added in " I feel like I have been put on a pedestal. And I know you've endured a lot of poor treatment before me but it feels like I have to almost pay for the hurt others have caused you. You told me I am in the top list of people who have hurt you. So that means I'm alongside the bullies, the emotionally abusive ex and the woman who tried to rape you? That is so unfair"

But this is assuming my ex was in fact "abused" etc.

A part of me thinks maybe she was bullied as a kid... and because it was never dealt with she now thinks others are trying to bully her. She misinterprets other people's actions as harassment. And she also never got sympathy as a kid (so she says) so she has to exaggerate things now so she can feel validated...

Thoughts?

I do think my ex told me her ex tried "to rape her" to appeal to my rescuing tendencies and also ensure I wouldn't leave her. Same with all her other abuse stories.

We had had a fight the night before she told me she was almost raped.  She had snapped at me rudely and rolled over in bed. I had attempted to leave her flat annoyed to go out with my friends.

And she was LIVID! She had a panic attack and next morning was sobbing and brought up the fact that I "must be sexually unsatisfied" with her. It was true... she did have a low libido and we had not slept together for 3 weeks. But it was more because she was so rude and snappy.

Then she told me her ex (the one she always told me was frigid, distant and made her sexually frustrated) tried to rape her and was now a predator.

I immediately felt sorry for her... thinking " oh my god! This poor girl had endured so much abuse!" and I comforted her all day.

I never got an apology for her being rude. She cleverly deflected the situation to be about her abuse story. 

I think she may have even faked the panic attack to get attention.

Wow, it gets so twisted doesn't it? I know for me, there were so many inconsistencies, so many "poor me" stories I loyally bought them all hook, line and sinker. Then I read so much here, from people way ahead of me in the process.  I started seeing patterns I had been missing while trying to make sense of the details.

Really big things I believed for 9+ years suddenly became obvious untruths. At one point I found a box of her stuff (another thread talks about how much stuff they leave behind), that showed me a whole bunch of other stories she told me were untrue. That just validated my sense of a whole mess of untruths, including a life of dysregulation way before me. In a way it is so sad, as I really thought I loved her and tried so hard.

For me, I know that rescuing is one of my hooks and trying to make sense of things is another. It's like BPD offers the unsolvable puzzle. I can leave the r/s and stop rescuing (and refuse all new opportunities to re-engage). I also need to watch out  for those-wth, inconsistent stories cause I now know this hooks me too.

My ex told me she had been dumped over text message by her first girlfriend. And I always noticed shed be super sensitive to my text messages and misinterpret my words.

She told me she didn't want to have text conversations about relationship stuff and I stopped.

But every now and then I'd say something via text and she'd take it the wrong way and have a freak out.

For example... my ex was always worried I would leave her for overseas. I had spoken in the beginning about wanting to do a short stint in London as the job opportunities are better there for my industry. She never showed interest.

Meanwhile I was struggling in my hometown to find work... It was a dead market. And I discussed the possibility of us doing a 5-6 month move there and maybe she could come for 3 months (she was doing a phD). She showed some interest but then told me it makes her very anxious and her heart "keeps pounding" whenever we talk about it. She said " I need to look out for ME! This is your dream!"

So London was off.

Meanwhile I was unemployed for 5 months and couldn't pay rent. I had to move back home with the parents. It was a rough time. And while my ex was supportive- she still was not flexible in moving with me anywhere else.

She always told me she needed to be with her family for her "sanity". She told me she had separation anxiety. But I tried to reiterate it wouldn't be forever. Yet it made her super anxious to leave her family even temporarily.

I started to get concerned I would never find a job in my hometown a Melbourne and I then heard Sydney had more jobs.  Many of my university friends had found work there and I knew my ex liked Sydney and had two good friends there. I brought it up and again- little interest.

One day I went to see a recruiter for advice and she told me she had no jobs coming up in my chosen field but did have 5 going in Sydney. She suggested maybe trying Sydney even for some brief work experience.

This is what followed...

I texted my ex as she had asked me how it went:

ME: Hi! Ive finished up at the recruiter now. Was a good chat but she said the roles are mainly marketing admin and she doesn't get any Copywriting jobs in Melbourne. She also said Melbourne is a flat market for copy jobs. Whereas she has 5 roles in Sydney. It's  frustrating how there are no jobs like that here. Anyway hope you're having a fun day off!"

HER: I was having a really fun day, having lunch and a movie, and a well deserved day off. And then I got your text messages about how frustrating Melbourne is and how all the great roles are in Sydney, and my day was pretty much shot to ~. Thank you so much for that.

ME: Huh? I was just relaying what the Recruiter said which is true...

HER:  my heart is pounding! I just burst into tears. You know I don't like to receive texts like this about things that impact our relationship! You just don't get it!

ME: Um... so now you're having a breakdown? I was telling you what the recruiter told me and it's true- there are limited jobs here in my field and more in Sydney. I was venting my frustrations to you. I have been unemployed for months... and I think I'm allowed to be frustrated! I've been trying so hard here to get work. You vent all the time. I always listen to you

HER: I vent but not about stuff that impacts us. You don't understand at all how this makes me feel 

ME: But I'm not going to leave you and go off to Sydney!  It's just a fact that Melbourne isn't great for jobs for me

HER: Yes you won't leave me. You'll stay and make me feel like a liability.

So then after this text fight, I was accused of making her feel like a liability! I couldn't win. It obviously stems from intense abandonment fears.

But do you see how she took my words to extremes? And then saying her " heart is pounding" etc. She was a drama queen.

Anyone else have super sensitive drama queen behaviour like this?

I don't think she is being a drama queen. I think she is telling you the truth. She does feel this way. She feels this way because she has BPD.

I'm wondering about your own 'heightened sense of abuse', reading through this thread. You've been wronged, by someone acting in a disordered fashion. You seem to be taking on a lot of her stuff and not completely facing your own. What's going on in you that is staying focused on what she did and didn't do, and not on what you could be doing to be bettering your situation? At some point, instead of feeling 'abused' (hurt, bewildered, upset, etc.) by her, you'll need to turn that energy on yourself for your own healing.

well, I had no idea of the extent of her issues then. I just felt she had misinterpreted my text completely as she is sensitive and had baggage.

I felt like I couldn't do any more to make her feel secure with me. She knew she couldn't move anywhere with me and I think her feeling like a liability was her own issue. You cant force someone to trust you. I was truly devoted to her. I wanted to go together overseas- I would never leave her to go off alone.

The break up argument became a text fight about me telling her she was too inconsistent (bringing up past examples) and I told get she is too rude and suspiciously defensive when I ask her why she is inconsistent.

I had never told her off like this before but I was frankly, fed up and emotional.

She kept defending herself saying she is " deeply honest" and that she isn't " endlessly defensive". And later saying "you are saying I am deceptive! Nobody has ever said this to me in my whole life!"

She couldn't appreciate that I perceived her to be inconsistent.

When dumping me she told me my texts were "harassment" even though she was participating in the fight.

How can I be harassing her when we were both arguing?

This is what I mean... it seems anything threatening or critical is perceived as "harassment" by her. I do believe her abandonment fears kicked in which then makes her perceive things as threatening perhaps. Do you think?

My head knows she overreacts and I did not harass her. My heart is utterly insulted by her saying this and then changing her number.

This is why I want to hear if others have had their words or actions interpreted and claimed  as "harassment" and felt deeply upset by that?

I know that BPD is common in the lesbian world.

I guess I want to know ( in case my next beloved girlfriend is this way) if there is a better approach to take when questioning a partner over inconsistencies?

A way that does not sound threatening or like you will leave them?

I know my emotional messages to her were fuelled with anger and confusion. And I'm sure she sensed rejection was coming. Perhaps even that she would be exposed... as someone mentioned earlier.

I know I should have cooled off and perhaps gathered my thoughts and talked to her calmly. But I was so wound up that evening that all my suspicions and confusions came out in an incoherent and overly emotional way. I re read my texts to her end a lot of it sounded attacking and too emotional. I was trying to get my point across that she was too inconsistent but it made me sound crazy.

And she called me "nuts"

There is a special set of skills required to have a reasonably stable relationship with a person with BPD.  But it also depends on the severity and the other partners needs.  Some of those staying board skills are SET, DEARMAN, radical acceptance, time outs, self care, and boundaries/values.  These are good skills for any relationship but not really optional for a a relationship with a person with BPD. 

I confronted the contradictions and it was met with hostility.  Unfortunately the nature of the the disorder and often times our own baggage make for a perfect storm.  It's not an easy relationship at all.  It's a high conflict one.

The only way to protect yourself in the future is to focus on yourself now.

As a lesbian myself, can you share with me your data source on BPD as common in the lesbian world?  I had not seen any statistics on this and would be interested in reading the data.

Seeking balance> I haven't read any data per ce, it's just known in my community at home that there are many lesbians with either BPD or bipolar.

I hope my next gf isn't BPD but I still feel as part of working on myself... how should I approach inconsistencies with someone fragile?

I think I was sick of my ex snapping at me and basically lost it at her. You could say I had a rage. And that's something I need to work on... not walk on eggshells and ignore things that don't make sense. Because invariably, they will be pushed to the back of my mind but they'll come back later to haunt me.

I think on some level I didn't want to believe I was with another liar or another unstable person. So when she told me she was almost raped... I felt it didn't add up but my rescuing tendencies were in full force. Again.

Can I ask everyone here... .  

Lets say your partner had randomly sent you a nude photo via cell phone. But for 3 years they had been against it and always told you " I will never ever send you a nude shot!"

And they said that "if we broke up- you may put it on the Internet. My body is sacred !" and it was reiterated over and over that they were firmly against naked photos being sent via cell phone.

Plus they were very conservative sexually all the way through... .  

What would your initial reaction be to receiving a nude photo via cell?

Especially if let's say... your partner had been changing stories of abuse... their opinions would change dramatically and you didn't understand them.

And would you ask them why they change their mind?

Diana,

Part of BPD is impulsiveness. It was an impulsive act on her part. She was upset and dysregulated. If I knew my partner had BPD it wouldn't surprise me.


If you are really interested in learning how to communicate better to a high conflict, emotionally sensitive person read the books I suggested earlier in this thread. Better communication involves changing yourself. It takes a lot practice. This is staying board material stuff. SET, DEAR MAN, practicing validation. It takes some time to study and practice. It might help you understand how things went so bad so quickly also.

Diana, with all due respect and the biggest shot of compassion, I think you are trying to make sense out of insanity. You are looking for a consistent thread in someone with an inconsistent sense of self, at best. Your sanity will not be found in trying to "make sense" of all the crazy she's thrown your way.

Very true. I agree wholeheartedly. I've met more than one difficult person in my life sadly. There is very useful lessons to be learned by improving communication methods. She is asking good questions even if it is more centered on her ex rather than what is best for her. It is tough though. Refocusing on us instead of our ex's problems

What you're saying all makes sense...

I'm just wondering how you would have dealt with the above change, though?

I want to hear other people's opinions. Yes I know my ex is disordered and impulsive.

But if it happened to you... How would you have dealt with that inconsistency? Or would you have let it go and thought " ah well she wants to send naked shots suddenly! All cool"

I would have asked what changed.  I get your doubting yourself though.  Generally speaking when a person has an unreasonable, disproportinate reaction reaction to what would be a seemingly normal interaction it can put a person on the back foot.  Add in circular arguments, emotional reasoning, and other dysfunctional coping skills this can many a person question their judgment.  Questioning our selves isn't a bad thing but what I experienced is when 9 times out of 10 I experienced this is really made me question myself.  In crept the doubt that normally wouldn't have been there.  The relationship dynamic during any conflict eroded into a situation where I would say this is illogical, doesn't make any sense and you are being  paranoid.  It made things worse questioning whether the person made sense because he was ruled by how he felt and I couldn't see where it was based on reality or a reasonable perception of events. It made me really doubt a lot of the relationship, myself and the other person.  I didn't understand still don't really.  its a hard hole to dig out of and it can take awhile after taking a step back to see it for what it was.  A lot of what you are describing is what people say when they try to articulate the emotional upheaval they experienced while engaged with their person.

A lot of it doesn't make sense.  BPD is a very real mental illness.  Some of the perceptions of reality associated with the disorder are so very skewed that its almost scary to think a person could battle this everyday and maintain a level of functioning. And unfortunately many people with it don't function well at all and cycle through some very destructive stuff ruining relationships, work, health etc.

It felt so unnecessary of her to bite my head off for asking why she decided after 3 years to send nude photos. And for saying I was a " suspicious person" for asking.

And that's what made me remember how she just was incredibly defensive about weird stuff. She couldn't be asked why she changed her mind. And she'd be so rudely snappy. Is this part of raging? My ex didn't rage but she sure did bite your head off.

The key point I was trying to get across was that I was suspicious of her because of her inconsistencies and her defensiveness. And I kept saying the more defensive someone is- the more suspicious I get. 

Interestingly... this made her more defensive.

How would you all react as nons... if your partner felt suspicious of your inconsistencies and told you they thought  you were too defensive? (but your partner was very emotional and you guys started arguing over text about it)?

I just now want to hear how nons would have reacted to having a partner perceive them this way. 

Would you too dump them because you'd be insulted?

My ex claimed this "burnt her" and that I "crossed the line" by saying this stuff  :s

Sorry I forgot that in the break up argument I was saying I thought she may be deceptive too... given how defensive and inconsistent she is.

Because I was so emotional (had a fight with my mum too), I was fairly nonsensical at times. And tended to come across as a bit attacking on her character.

I was getting more annoyed because she didn't seem to want to apologise for her snappy rudeness and kept disagreeing with how she comes across. Some of the stuff she said included:

"I am not endlessly defensive!"

" I'm not that dogmatic in change!"

"Im a deeply honest person. I have my faults but deception isn't one of them. You are saying something very clear about my character that I am dishonest! Nobody has ever said this about me in my whole life!"

So... because I was the first person... I crossed the line and got dumped... ?


So yeah... how would you react as NONs to being told by your partner you are too defensive, inconsistent and acting suspicious? ( and this was the first time they said it to you)?

Green Mango: what do you mean by 'our own baggage make for a perfect storm'? I am not saying I don't have baggage or have been a part of the dysfunctional dance, I just really think that in these kind of situations, we non's actually just tries to reason with the BPD (w/NPD traits), and since we don't know about they having BPD it takes some time before it sinks in that reasoning with the BPD (w/NPD traits) is not possible.

Green mango >

" has an unreasonable, disproportinate reaction reaction to what would be a seemingly normal interaction it can put a person on the back foot"

Agreed! I didn't know why she reacted like this

Sorry! Another question!

Is biting your head off/being defensive common with BPDs or is it just a symptom of a guilty person?

My ex didn't rage but she did easily snap if you questioned her or sounded jealous or suspicious of her. I always found this odd...

Whenever she was jealous or such... I didn't get angry at her.

Diana,

You have obviously gone through a lot with your ex, and the ex before who betrayed you, I feel your pain and your Frustration! It is great you are searching for answers on how to approach things better if there is a next time!

I am wondering how you feel about Your part in the dance that was your relationship?

I strongly believe that if you look at that, and do some deep personal work on it, then things will be very different in your next relationship!

Are you, or have you considered working with a therapist to this end?

Love Blazing Star

Blazing... .  

I had my faults. And one of them was bottling up my feelings and frustrations.

For some reason my ex had a hold on me and maybe I was too much of a doormat. But there were red flags from the beginning that I chose to toss into the back of my mind.

My ex was a beautiful person and we were very close.

However, stuff just started to not add up. I'd hear new abuse stories or they'd change... she freaked out over arguments... she'd seem easily jealous or misinterpret my words. And she'd bite my head off if i questioned her. Perhaps I was made to feel like a doormat. Yet other times she'd idolise me.

I think I didn't want to deal with another unstable person so I ignored all the flags. All the inconsistencies.

And they festered and festered and one day they all came bursting out in an argument! And I got dumped.

Diana,

Have you read the links GM provided on the facts of the disorder?

Radical Acceptance is KEY for us on these facts - they pretty much explain what happen and why in your relationship.

For me, I had to stop ruminating over the conversations of crazy and slow my mind down so I could focus on my own feelings and move forward in life.

Reality is:  you were in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship, my guess is article 9 (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm) applies to where you are right now and there are plenty of workshops here that can help you deal with these.  Or if you read them and still have a specific question start a thread and you will get support.

It is time to slow down all that is going on in your head - look at your own posting patterns... .  several questions without waiting for answers to the original - not a critisism of you... .  just pointing out your head is spinning and until you can control your own impulses it may be hard to hear what is being offered to you as explanations and advice.

I remember when I first read SWOE and then found these boards... .  my head was spinning.  When I slowed down a bit and focused on me and what I was feeling, I was then able to understand the disorder without emotionally getting triggered myself.

Hang in there - keep reading the lessons and articles, when you head starts spinning with questions - try looking at the actual criteria and think about how your question applies - how you can begin to radically accept this as a fact and let it go and focus on your own feelings of grief.

Peace,

SB

thanks... I have PM'd you.

I just also need to ask here about coming across as being harassing to a BPD and the hostility you receive when you try to reconcile.

I find the most insulting thing my ex did (besides dumping me) is changing her number. :'( :'(  it's probably the most offensive thing for me she could do.

She had dumped me, told me I burnt her and asked me to leave her alone. I tried to call her twice a couple days later and she ignored it.

I got super stressed and put a handwritten letter in her mailbox apologising for our text argument and asking if we can please work it out.

No acknowledgment. Silence.

I tried calling every second day (once max) and emailed her.  I asked for explanation and told her I was really confused as to why she was breaking up with me over the fight. I asked if she could please just tell me if there were other things that made her unhappy... as I couldn't believe it was over after this argument.

She ignored me and changed her number and blocked me on facebook.

In her mind- she most likely thought she doesn't have to give me closure. I 'burnt her' and she didn't have feelings for me (suddenly) and wanted me to leave her alone.

But this seemed too hasty to end a 3 year relationship over.

Do you think what I did above comes across as harassment or stalky behaviour?  ie trying to apologise and seek explanation?

I think you were very hurt and sad. I think you really needed to talk to her about the breakup so you could get some understanding of what went wrong. She wasn't capable of doing that for you so you are left twisting in the wind. Hurt, confused, and sometimes angry. Understandable.

thanks... .  

Did you experience similar hostility from your ex? and were you dumped?

It feels like I cheated or betrayed my ex, judging by her behaviour. This is why I started the thread... because her reaction seems so extreme. I wanted to get an understanding of why they are so easily threatened and are hypersensitive.

I have never heard of someone dumping a partner over an argument (especially after being together for 3 years).

My parents were vouching for us too and kept asking me "this is weird! was there something else wrong? she must have been unhappy with other things?  You don't just dump someone over that argument!"

So I was also encouraged by others to seek explanation.

I never expected her to ignore me. I thought she needed to "cool off" for a couple of days... .  but never expected total silence.

I know writing a letter of apology and putting it in her letterbox seems WAY too desperate now. But I honestly thought I needed to go to such extremes at the time. I had invested a lot in the relationship and wasn't going to give up.

You did you best at the moment... .  how long ago did this occur?

Ok... well it will most likely seem like A LOT of contact. But I was very stressed and I wasn't contacting her daily.

So, she dumped me on a Tuesday and I didn't contact her until Thursday night.

I left her a voice message apologising (I apologised too much on reflection) and said I will give her some time but would really like to talk. I love her etc (I was rather emotional).

She didn't call me back and the following night I ended up going to a restaurant with work, where my ex and I happened to have our first date. It was terrible! I couldn't get out of the work function and had to sit in this restaurant where we had had our first date and she'd dumped me days earlier. It was painful.

I excused myself at one point in this restaurant and tried to dial her again. I missed her so much. She didn't pick up so I left another message saying I miss her and just want to talk this over.

Nothing.

So I started to panic big time. I guess I didn't believe the break up was real... that she could have ended our long term rship after a fight- with no chance to talk it over.

So I discussed it with my family (who were also very surprised at the hasty break up). My dad suggested sending some flowers to her house to apologise for attacking her over text. My Mum thought it was a bad idea and said to write a letter of apology and sincerely ask her to work things through.

So I wrote her a letter... it was heartfelt. I also enclosed her birthday letter that I had written to her already in time for her upcoming birthday.

I put it in her letterbox and sent her a text advising her it was in there. I also said words to the effect of  "I know I deserve a kick up the backside, but I do believe we can work this out. I just want to talk as I feel this is hasty"

No response. 4 days go by and nothing.

I should have given up but I didn't. I called her again... .  no pick up.

Two days later I left her a message saying "please pick up... .  ?"

Nothing.

I then sent a final email hoping she may respond to email... .  but in my email I started to say "I too invested a lot in this relationship... and I feel like I need more explanation. I feel like you put me on a pedastal

and that I have to almost 'pay' for all the hurt others inflict on you. I told her "no relationship is perfect and every couple has their ups and downs and arguments. I believe we are worth fighting for. I can't promise not to stuff up but I can promise to love you and treat you well. Please at least let me know if we have a chance here"

She finally responded 3 days later via text saying  "I thought I made my wishes clear. I do not wish to have any contact on this. I wish you peace and happiness"

I thought it was so cold.  I replied and said "Ok... but I feel I need more explanation from you. Were you unhappy in other ways? I just need to know... We were partners for 3 years and I can't believe you're breaking up with me over this... "

No response.

The next evening I send it to her again saying  "I feel I need more explanation. I invested a lot in us and I thought we were in a loving relationship. You're acting as if I cheated or betrayed you or do something terrible to you"

NO RESPONSE.

Later in the night I got so angry and fed up with being ignored that I shot her an angry text saying  "I challenge you to find a relationship free of hurt. One day you'll realise you have tossed someone who truly cares about you"

Nothing.

So I get ignored for a week again. And I think to myself... ok I am going to give this one last try and I dial her numbe a week later.

But her number has been disconnected.

On reflection, I know I should have only called twice max and maybe not even bothered giving her a letter.

I broke every rule in the book and came across as desperate. But... I was.

I have never acted like this before... pleading with someone for explanation.

Because nobody has ended a friendship, let alone a relationship with no negotiation or talking things through. Followed by total silent treatment.

Even those I have upset... have been able to come around and talk it over.

I even asked my ex "what will it take to for you to forgive me?"

and she said "it's not about forgiveness"

But it is, surely. She was "burnt" and couldn't look past what I said to her.

Specifically, when did these events take place?

Mid-October, for example?

Last week?

This was late August last year.

Then I had to wait 2 long months to retrieve my belongings I left at her house as she ignored my requests to return them

So I still haven't got all my stuff returned as she has opted to never speak to me again

OK Diana - it is some tough love time.

You are obsessing over someone that ended this relationship and blocked you 4 months ago.  Can you see how this is making you look to her and her circle of friends?  I know it is hard, but you have got to let go - there is nothing you can do now to effect the outcome.

If you want to learn - well focus on learning about yourself.  Frankly, why would you be looking to learn about how to handle another BPD relationship?  Wouldn't you prefer to get healthy yourself so you don't jump back into another dysfunctional relationship?

Regarding your things - is there is something specific you "need" - I mean really need... .  otherwise, let go.  In life we lose things - it is hard, it isn't fair... .  but it is life and it has happened to us all.

How can we help you stop obsessing over your ex and focus on your own emotional well-being?