BPDFamily.com

Not second-guessing myself for pegging my ex as BPD (I don't think).  Rather, just curious what it's like.  My BPD relationship was the longest relationship I've had.  Post-highschool, nothing made it beyond 6 months, and I was usually the dumper.  I would usually just not feel a connection, I would be honest about it, and we'd go our separate ways.  It wasn't fun, but it was civil, there was closure, and there was honesty.  The girls I broke up with might have not enjoyed getting dumped, but I don't believe they walked away with any unanswered questions.  Same goes for the women who broke things off with me.  I remember disliking the rejection, but understanding and moving along with no major snags.

But what about a longer-term "normal" relationship (say, 2+ years)?  I just can't wrap my head around what that dynamic might look like.  There must be very deep pain there, too, right?  And probably one partner became unhappy and frustrated with the other.  And that frustration was probably expressed towards the other partner - probably in less than caring ways.  How's this different from being devalued?

Oh, I can chime in here for a second. I tried to end my 9 year r/s with exBPDgf like a "normal" LTR. We went to our couples counselor we used to see and I asked her for help with "closure". She gave us all kinds of suggestions of how normal folks do it: separate with love and with some distance perhaps some conversations about closure. I wanted to calmly, with love, separate our things and after some time apart, perhaps come together for "regrets and appreciations", as our couples counselor suggested.

Needless to say that is not how my r/s ended. I was the one who made the appt with the couples counselor and the only reason my ex went was because she thought she could get the counselor to help her change my mind. The dysfunction in our breakup was the beginning of me seeing  what I'd really been involved with (coming out of the FOG as they say here).

Ok, I had a 30 year marriage end.  It was really difficult.  We talked and talked but when it became clear that there was not going to be any other solution than a divorce I bit the bullet and wished him well.  We are still friends.  We had grown apart but it was comfortable and starting over again on my own was major.  He was there for me when I needed him.  He was honest.  But I still think if he hadn't just recovered from cancer and wanted to "live", if he could have let me know just how dissatisfied he was, I might have worked on it more.  Unlike the BPD in my life he was clear that he only could have one relationship at a time.  When ours was over, he could begin with someone new (which he did).  He did not want to keep us both as romantic partners, and the friendship was just that - a friendship, not a sexy today, not tomorrow thing with my BPD.

Thanks for the replies.  I guess, if I'm being honest, maybe I am second guessing the BPD label I've given my ex gf (or, more like reviewing the reasons for reaching that conclusion and making sure I haven't done so too hastily or to excuse myself for my own contributions).  Rationally, I know she is, but, she wasn't a cheater or a liar (to my knowledge) - she was totally committed.  She was "all in" until she was "all out," and she just shut down and vanished.  There was a little over a month of devaluation behavior, but even through that she'd express her commitment (not during the rages, but during the calmer, interim periods).

So, yes, she ticks all the boxes.  But I keep thinking of stories I hear about people breaking off engagements and the like.  Or one partner losing feelings of physical attraction towards the other.  I've even read some (non-BPD-related) articles talking about how one can wait "too long" to propose marriage - basically asserting that there's a "window" on the "ripeness" of the attraction/bond. 

One thing my ex kept saying at the very end was that her "feelings changed," and that I was "too late."  She never (explicitly) denied the fact that she was still pushing engagement a month before ending things, she just failed to address it when raised.  She even said something to the effect of, ":)on't you think I wish I could get that feeling back?"  It was as if she was trying to break things off decently, as though she wanted to let me go "with love."  But as soon as I started to point out the contradictory nature of things (I was in a state of shock and despair), she'd lose control and the onslaught of horrible insults and attacks would start again.  One example is when, in one of her attempts at taking the "kindhearted" approach, she added that "I haven't felt that way about you for a long time."  Well, unless 1 month out of 30 together constitutes a "long time," that's a bizarre statement to make.

It can't be that, in all these stories of broken engagements and lost attraction, etc., we're hearing about the effects of borderline pathology (without being described as such).  Or can it?