BPDFamily.com

So, we are back.  The end result:

The judge changed the Parenting plan from a Permanent Order to a Temporary order.  (Not sure yet why this is significant)

The judge said on record the parenting plan that they currently have needs work.  He said he cannot understand why the mother would not want him to have every other weekend. 

BPDex tried to say a lot of weird stuff and the judge started to speak to her VERY slowly and kept asking her to SHOW HIM in the papers where it says each of these things she was claiming.

The judge ordered this to mediation and then to trial if mediation does not work.

At one point he asked her "What do you think he is asking for?" 

She replied, "I don't know, 50/50?"

He said, ":)id you even read this?"

She said, "It was hard to understand"

He then explained that he totally has grounds for a minor modification, and he can also have 24 more days per year if he wants them. (This we already knew from our attorney but it sure was nice to see her get that news)

She got a lot of verbal spankings, I was waiting for her to say she was being abused by the judge because she was starting to get that look she gets before she goes off like that.

At the end of the day, we got it re-opened for discussion, but did not get what we want.

Oh and we still have to go to the stupid hearing for contempt even though the judge explained why she was wrong and said that if it ends up before him he is dismissing it, but "each thing has it's time and place"  So I served her right after it was done. 

She very dramatically waved her hands and said, "Thaaaaankk you Dahhhhling" and giggled and left.

Kookoo

I sit here wondering, who just won?  Or was it a draw?

Oh, SHOCKINGLY even though she brought her DV advocate with her, after his statement, where he ended up crying, she completely steered away from even mentioning DV. Everyone in that room was moved when he spoke, she even looked a little sad. :'(

And the best highlight, when she spoke next, she tried to fake cry.  It was like Porn acting bad.  I even saw the judge roll his eyes.  :)

Oh dear... .  

Well actually it sounds rather good. The judge is giving it a chancefor a cooperative agreemeny - meaning ex can't easily come back and say she was coerced. We all know that won't work - so plan on a trial.

This judge has her number... .  just pray he/she stays primary on hearings, etc.

May not feel like it but is really a win.

What will be your position in mediation?

I would try to see if you could keep this judge since it sounds like he gets it and is limited with what he is allowed to do at this stage of the game. Don't know how easy it would be to keep the same judge.( how much money it takes ) In case that is not possible see if you can get the court transcripts for the new judge. The quote, "It was hard to understand" screams more time for dad for the best interest of the children.                                                                                    I suspect mediation will not go well because mom will view any loss of time/control as not winning. Make sure you have a plan in place for mediation. If you think more time is important I would include that since it is a mediation and always think in terms of best interest of the children. Mediation, I believe, allows everything to be changed to whatever both parties can agree to.

It appears to me (I am not a lawyer and only applying what I believe is common sense) that changing from permanent to temp allows major changes. If that is the case figure out a complete schedule for a year. Summer, school time, holidays, weekends, etc. I included every school holiday, Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas holiday, spring break. I spelled it out in detail. I also added that any changes from the court order had to be agreed by both parties through email (documentation) and could not be altered without both parties consent. I had 14 points. The first one was vague asking for father to have primary custody. That was denied but the other 13 were in the court order exactly as I had written them.

I went from EOW (78 days) to 147 days. I have had more time since then because of ROFR and in actuality it is now close to 50/50.

This was virtually an invitation for him to ask for those 24 extra days - at least.  He won't get many opportunities like this. Jump at it.  He should not hold back simply to "avoid her behaving worse".  That's unavoidable no matter what he asked due to the required mediation and perhaps court too so why not go for the Gold?

With her confusion, she may have been thinking his seeking 50% of weekends was 50% of everything.  Why not run with that?  At least start with that, then backing down to a standard schedule might seem comparatively a relief to her.  (She will posture as a "Victim" no matter when her asked for one minute, 24 days or 50%.  So what's to lose?)  She sounds a little bit like a less than capable pwBPD.  (Yes, at times like this I'm an opportunist!)  Otherwise, the chaos will continue, with him getting the crumbs, until his children are 18 and grown.

Let me restate this very important point.  This is a Golden Opportunity for him to shine forth as the capable parent.  This is THE Golden Opportunity for him to vanquish that ridiculous and unsubstantiated claim of DV.  Doesn't mean she will stop claiming it, it does mean the court (and maybe even the DV advocates) will give it less and less credibility as more things go in his favor over time.


Oh yes you did!  It's just that judge wants a better schedule and wouldn't settle for a quick fix that would need fixing again in a few months or years.  Or maybe the judge could discern that father needed that standard minimum schedule at the very least.  Or perhaps it needs to go through mediation/court first.  Whatever the case, father is looking just fine (though a bit too timid) to the court.  Just walk through the steps and he'll get what he wanted, and more.  Can he be patient a while longer and also raise his expectations?

Who is residential parent?  Likely she is if she keeps majority time.  What if she wants to move away, across the state or across the country?  Would dear dad have to follow in order to keep seeing his children?  Maybe try to insert that if she moves more than XX miles away then he becomes residential parent or at least it's clear that it goes back to court to determine another schedule.

My point is that with both lawyer and judge saying he can ask for an additional 24 days, and it having to go through a process, he would be foolish to let such a gift pass him by.  That is the bare minimum he needs to be seeking.  Bare minimum.  The real question is how much more he decides to seek.  As I wrote above, after he seeks substantially more, she may be more willing to accept the standard schedule with those 24 extra days.


Who knows, she may not even show up.  Clearly, you already know what the most likely outcome will be, so no need to fret over it, just view is as something to get past while building a history of looking like the good and sensible parents you two are.


What was it he said that made her DV advocate cry?  Was he so gullible to believe her without any proof?  Does he not know she's a professional Victim?

Oh, he has asked for the extra two days a month in his temp plan that he entered.  The judge said the only reason he didn't grant it that day was because my boyfriend made a mistake.  The judge asked if he worked weekends.  He said he does right now, but he owns the business and makes his own schedule and if he gets his child every other weekend, he will no longer work those weekends.  In his job, this is SUPER easy for him.  The judge responded, "No, I don't want to hear what you will do, I want to hear it has been done."

I thought that was pretty unfair. He is supposed to not make money on weekends when he can even though he doesn't have his child?  It is so stupid.  Especially, because his child's mother and him have the EXACT SAME JOB and she works weekends too.

*sigh*

Oh, and it was my BFs statement about how he just missed his child and didn't want to spend her whole childhood in courtrooms arguing about how long a week is, and then he got choked up.  That is what made the advocate and everyone in the room get choked up too. 

The BPDex followed his statement with her own, which just seemed like a mess, and when she started to obviously crash, she tried to fake cry, but stopped when she looked and saw everyone in the room rolling their eyes.  I wish I had video.  It really was a very obvs attempt at manipulating a room that was already won over by the truth.

That is probably the standard judge comment in such situations.  It's almost like they look for ways to show their authority.


Just wondering, does judge know that ex has same type of job?  Does judge know that ex has daughter all weekends and works weekends anyway?  In effect, more is being expected of him in advance than has been and is currently expected of child's mother.  Besides, he could have also said, "Your honor if I quit working half my weekends now, my ex will surely choose those weekends for herself.  I am dealing with a parent who is doing all she can to obstruct my parenting.  So I also am waiting to see WHICH weekends I will get."

Disclaimer: I didn't figure out the best responses until the hearing was over and I was out the door, so it's not like I could have done any better.

Frankly, the last 7 years of my life have been on hold, wrapped up in parenting.  In and out of court has been the norm, fortunately the stressful days are in the past, but I'm still far to consumed by the conflicts, by now I wish I had found someone and remarried.  I did reconnect with a friend from decades ago but sadly that kind soul couldn't deal with the prospect of a HC mother I have to co-parent with for the next 7 years.