BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. Firstly, thank you all for your words. I think I can safely speak on the behalf of those who simply read these forums without posting that your words, no matter how upset, confused and bewildered you were feeling when you wrote them; are helpful to those of us trying to decide what's best.

I've made the decision that after four years and numerous break-up/get back together cycles; it's time for me to separate from my BPDex. There have been numerous times where she has come back and presently, she still believes me to be an option.

Sparing the rest of details, I've been considering writing her a letter. Not just as a memorial of what was, but also as a request that she leave me the space I need to heal. Is this worth it? I feel that regardless of whether I write a letter or not, she will be back. But she does have a special spark of compassion towards me. I don't believe that this letter will trigger an immediate response, as she has heard me say that I was leaving before. But I do think it will buy me enough time get on my feet so that I am prepared to deflect her when she comes back.

I wanted to get your thoughts on this idea. Any would be much appreciated.

I think it's a good idea.  Speaking face to face with my Ex, it was extremely difficult so our best communications were email.  In July I told him that I loved him but realized love did not conquer all.  He went into scary mode of yeah, it's over then.  Which in the past would have me backtracking and eating my words.  This time I said, yes, it's over.  It was really scary laying it out.  I had to do some heavy duty self soothing.  You have to be very sure that you are ready for it to end and stay strong.  I was ready although a part of me was saying no no no, this can work out.  I had to shut that voice down.  I knew in my head what was best.  My heart took a bit longer to catch up.

my opinion would be no, it is not worth it. here's why... .  


you've made the decision to "separate" from your ex once again. you've made this decision numerous times in the past 4 years. based on your past behaviour of "break-up/get back together", why would this time be any different?

she still believes you to be an option because once again, based on your past behaviours, you have allowed yourself to be an option by "getting back together" regardless of her BPD tendencies. you have taught her, through your actions, that she is welcome back. why would she think otherwise?




i would make the observation as, " regardless of whether i write a letter or not, i will ALLOW her back", based on past behaviour patterns.


unfortunately, if she suffers from BPD, she has a "special Spark" for every object she attaches herself to in order to mirror the good and take it on as her own.


this letter will trigger her abandonment fears and lead to blaming you for the pain you have "caused". there will be a space of time where you are split and seen as the "monster" in her life which will feed her role as the victim. this will give you time to "get on your feet". when she is in need of emotional security once again, she will go back to the source that has allowed her to return numerous times in the past(you). the cycle is once again repeated.