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I was wondering if any one else has this problem.  My DD does not allow me to touch her very much.  For a long time when this first started I was not allowed to touch her at all.  Any attempt at touching her she could recoil away from me.  If I asked her for a hug or it I could hug her she would tell me no.  NOw sometimes she will let me hug her or if she is in a happy mood I will ask her for a hug.  Whenever her mood is down or she is dsyregulated she does not want to be touched.

She was never like this before.  Actually from infancy till 15 she was my cuddly child.  Always loving to be kissed and hugged.

Griz

Dear griz,

My d was the same way as a child... .  always wanting me to hold her, lay with her during naps, hugs and kisses all the time... .  those were the days!

Not until she hit adolescents and the BPD began did she recoil from touch.  Since rtc she has been very affectionate.  During rtc we discussed this and agreed that physical contact needs to be mutual... .  asking permission... if she said "no" to a request for a hug then her dad and I needed to respect that... .  it does hurt though... .  rejection just hurts. :'(

Thanks lbjnltx:  I will try that.  You are right. Rejection hurts a lot. Somethimes I just want to hold her. 

I often think of when she was little and she would always put up her arms to me and say, mommy, hold you.

God I would love to hear those words again

I hope that you will hear those words again one day Griz.

 

I believe that the sense of "engulfment" that a pwBPD experiences is linked to the recoil reflex... .  and less clinically... .  who wants to be hugged when they are mad?

My DD26 has a very intense need for her personal space. She needs a bubble of about 3-4 feet around her. She has always been tactilly defensive - maybe part of her NVLD profile more than mental health. Occasionlly I can touch her arm or a quick rub to her back when sitting with her - always pull back is she recoils.

She can get into a panic attack from too much physical stimulation. Especially when she is in a highly emotionally stimulated state. Over arousal is so out of her conscious control after a certain point. I do believe validation helps lower the level of overarousal for her so she can calm herself and continue to function. This is the main reason she has lost or quit all of her jobs: overarousal - panic - walk away (coping strategy that works) - negative consequences from supervisor. DD is embarrassed about the labels that go with the accomadations and understanding that is needed to help her with this on the job. She actually mentioned her NVLD in her recent job interview - she was pretty much immediately shown the door. How do I coach her on interviewing to reveal her needs without raising the stigma.

Our kids need respect for their limits in this area, and coping skills to manage this out in the world. Any suggestions for what has worked for your kids?

qcr   

Wow, I didn't realize this had anything to do with BPD. My BPDd15 hasn't let us hug or touch her since she was around 12. How does this fit in?

Same thing for us: a very cuddly child, then, when the problem started, no physical contact any more.

Sometimes, I can cuddle a foot of him... .  

He needs an empty space around him. But not with his friends, only with us, the parents.

Survive

It's too bad BPD is not taken as seriously by researchers as Axis I diagnosis. Sometimes I wonder if their hypersensitivity is related to some kind of brain reaction, just like Autism or Aspergers. My daughter does not display the "not touch me" behavior as much, just when she is in a bad mood, but I still need to be careful not to invade her personal space.

Same with my daughter cuddly child to untouchable when she turned 15. Life became also very complicated with what was acceptable and what was not; there was/is very middle ground.

We experience the same thing with our ds.  I can't hug or kiss him and sometimes if he is in the throws we can't put one finger on him.  He says he doesn't like to be touched.  We have accepted that.  Sometimes when he is heading off out with friends he will give me a kiss on the top of my head.  I cherish those times and keep them in mind when I find I am missing the way it used to be before BPD.  

Hugs Onesock  :)

My d is the same doesn't like to be touched, especially when dysregulated. She also can't tolerate someone coming up from behind her to touch or talk to her. We respect her boundary and wait for times that she can tolerate it and always ask first. But then, my d also has Synesthesia (several forms of it). One of them is mirror touch so she has input coming from all directions from many sources which are constant triggers.

When my dd18 was small she never left my side.She always wanted to hold hands, stroke my face or sit on my lap.

Now the  only times dd seems comfortable with any physical contact from me is if Iam doing her hair or painting her nails.  

I think we also need to keep in mind that detaching emotionally and physically from parents is part of the natural order... .  that it is repulsive or causes recoil does indicate it is outside of that natural order... .  just to be balanced here.

The only physical touch my BPDd15 wants is me to check her when she has one of her millions of illnesses and symptoms... .    And we used to hug all of them constantly!  Also she will hug the neighbors bit not us. It hurts horribly. I don't want to make her hug us if she doesn't want to. Has anyone gotten direction from their children's therapists to see what the right answer is?

lbjnltx:

Dh and I were going out to brunch today with some family and DD decided not to go.  I didn't mind because her two cousins that are her age were away with their dad and would not be joining us.  As she put it, "I think I will stay home. Brunch won't be much fun with all your old people" (joking).  When we were getting ready to leave I went up to her room to let her know we were leaving and I said, Can I give you a kiss goodbye, she said OK.  So I did.  Just a little kiss and I didn't make any big deal about it.  I just gave her a little kiss and casually said... .  see you later.  Then I skipped all the way to the car.

Thanks lb.

PS I was so happy I drank two mimmosa's at brunch and I actually laughed a lot.

Griz

It's been so long since my daughter has reciprocated a hug, that I must admit I've given up trying.  She is overly affectionate, sort of clingy, with her kids.  It isn't that she doesn't want to be touched, it's that she doesn't want to touch me.  Hard to accept, but true.  I've given up trying because the rejection is too painful.  I figure she'll reach out if and when she ever wants a hug from her mother again.  My own mother passed away in my arms two years ago.  What I would give to have a hug from her again.  How sad it is, that my daughter and I won't have the same kind of relationship my mother and I shared.  Maybe someday she won't be so mad at me.

On another note, had a great weekend with the grand babies, all possible because of improved understanding and communication on this side.  We are still struggling, of course with her holding up her end of the deal.  She was not home when we went to drop off the kids, nor did she answer the phone.  Went out for tacos, where she met us an hour late, and dressed like a street walker (see through tights with thong and stilettos).  Any ideas on how to handle this one in the future?  This probably belongs in the "boundaries" thread.

dreamlight

Yippee!

Cause for celebration! 

:)

I just wanted to add my experience with this... .  I have found my daughter to pull away the older she gets but recently I started asking for a hug when I dropped her off at school and she does. We were at family counseling the other night and I mentioned during the session how much I liked when she hugged me... .  after we left and got in the car she gave me a big hug and thanked me for things I had said during our session. Truly one of my best moments with her in sometime... .  I really had not noticed how much she had avoid my touch before but now I make every effort to hug her when I can... .  

|iiii

My dd started off as a newborn not enjoying to be held.  She wanted to be put down to go to sleep, not rocked.  Very different from her older brother.

When she got older, toddler and onward, she would cuddle with us, liked to be close, playing, lots of interaction and nothing out of the ordinary except she was very strong-willed.

Not until her later teens did she start to pull away from us. 

Now she's 21.  When I see her (which is rarely) she doesn't touch me or even really look directly at me.  If I ask for a hug she may allow it but doesn't hug back.  If I touch her she flinches.  I've not seen her do this with others.

She used to be an extraordinary girl.  Then, quite abruptly, she became ... .  I don't know ... .  something else.  Something sad.   

My DD lets me paint her nails and comb conditioner through her hair every few days. It is great. And there have been couple times when she has been really sad over rejection (or perceived rejection) from a friend that she has let me touch her or hug her. I always aske first - she seems kind of surprised.

So here for me is an opportunity to use my new awareness, compassion, and validting respect for my DD. It even works when we are starting on the path of defensive warfare and just say STOP - either one of can call the stop. There have even been a few times we end up laughing about some crazy situation or crying together.

The many years of distress are overpowering in my memory too often. My reflex response goes back to that distress. This thread has helped me to shift my focus of remembering to the good times in the recent days.

How can I help myself do this more?

qcr  

My D25 has not wanted to be touched in years and years.  I agree with Eclaire5

 
  My D absolutely abhors the peace in church, because people want to hug her or touch her.  The other person who feels that way is a boy with Autism.  This boy goes into an absolute panic when touched.

In thinking about this I realized that although I miss hugging my DD I too need physical space.  I become panicky is people invade my space, not to a point where I will recoil but I always need to move out of the space they are in.  An example of this is when I am working on my computer and sometimes my boss will lean over me if I ask him for assistance with something.  Without thinking he would often stand behind me and then lean over to take control of the mouse.  I would become instantly panicky and would always pop up andd say why don't you sit down.  I guess over time he noticed this and made mention of it, not in a bad way and I just was truthful.  I said I have space issues.  He totally respects it, but this started to make me think.  For a long time my family has made a little joke about my "slight aspergers", I have these odd quirks but now I am wondering if there is more to it.

I am making a list of them.

Griz

From the time my D21 was around 11 or so, she was not very affectionate.  She did recoil.  Previously she was a very affectionate / clingy baby and child.  I have seen many adolescents act less affectionate once they get to be a certain age though - not so much recoiling as non-responsive to affection.  They seem to kind of "allow" themselves to be kissed and hugged but there is no reciprocation.  I think in many cases the recoiling thing is adolescent desire for independence times about 50.   My D is better about the affection thing now but I give her a hug and kiss goodbye.  When she is raging, however, she will still not allow herself to be comforted with a hug.  I don't even try at those times but at the same time I don't take it personally.

@ Dreamlight: It seems like your daughter may be dressing that way on purpose to push your buttons. My dd used to do so from time to time, but she stopped once she realized she wouldn't get a reaction from me. We raised her in a very stable, middle class, Catholic family, but once she began having BPD symptoms it appeared as if she had been raised by gangsters. At the beginning there were a lot of fights about her appearance and lack of hygiene, but eventually I gave up and did not say a word anymore. If I had known that such was the answer I would have ignored it since the beginning!

Around middle school my dd began picking and choosing days

today is a hug day or todayis a kiss day.

By high school our hugs were very uncomfortable however she freely walked up top friends and people at church hugging them

My BPDd35 has avoided hugs/touch for many years, with everyone.  She too was very close to me in her early years but is now very little contact and almost NO touch.  She will allow me to hug her when I am hugging her two young sons, and I always ask or say "how about you?"  She allows me to give the hug, but does not recipricate.  We live out of state and have reached a point where we only see them about once a year.  She has almost completely withdrawn from me and her stepfather but does allow us to communicate with her sons via phone, factime, or skype.  It is so heartbreaking to have to let go of the relationship we once had, or at least I perceived we had.   :'(