BPDFamily.com

I discovered my mom had BPD last year. Previous to that I had been trying to figure out wth was wrong with me. I have read many self help books, have a great therapist, loving husband, great kids, job etc. I felt like I couldn't enjoy my life and I especially could not stand to be around my mother. My father is NPD so he was also terrible to grow up with. My mother is the abusive witch/queen. It is crazy that I thought all children grew up like I did. My therapist suggested BPD. I read Understanding the borderline Mother and I could not believe how it mirrored my childhood! I felt physically ill for a few weeks. I have been reading the message boards for a while and it so validating to hear the similar stories. I have been no contact for 10 months and I love it. I do sometimes feel like something is wrong with me because I do not want to be in a relationship with my Mother. I feel like I finally got free. At first I had a lot of anger but now  I just feel sort of indifferent. I thought I might miss them at Christmas but it was actually nice to have a drama free holiday for the first time in my life. It has been a bit of a struggle for my teenage daughter. I kept their bad behavior hidden from her and now she doesn't fully understand why we don't see them. They were crappy grandparents except for in the gift department. Thank you for all of the support here. I know I definitely belong on the ending relationship board.

Hello Faith2012

Wow you've been a member since July, glad you decided to finally join us! It sounds as though you've gone through quite a grieving process over the summer, sorry you've had to go through that. 

It's understandable that your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to the loss of her grandmother. How are you handling this? I'm glad to hear you have a supportive H and the support of a therapist.

I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Take care of you.

It has been hard dealing with the sadness it has caused my daughter. I have tried to explain to her that her grandma is not normal. I have told her some of the reasons why she is no longer welcome in my life. I wish I would have been honest earlier with her. She did notice that I didn't enjoy being around my mother.

Probably one of the worst things is to remember how I was treated at that age. My mother was so abusive. Physically, but the worst was the emotional abuse. From a very young age (7 ) I made plans in my head to move out as soon as I could. I did move out when I graduated from high school and they were shocked. When they told me I couldn't do something that made me more determined to make it happen. I am disgusted when I think about how I was treated. I cannot imagine doing anything so cruel as the hurtful comments about my dress, looks, friends etc to my blossoming teenager.

I have a sister that I am very close to. I feel lucky to have her. I blocked out a lot of childhood memories but when she talks about things it helps me remember and process the disfunction. She is in a different place than me which has been hard. She has limited contact mostly through email and texts. I feel like I should want to try that too but I really feel that it is healthier for me if I don't. It has not been working too well for her but she seems determined. Also she has allowed her children to see them. This has been hard to explain to my kids as they are close to her kids.

Hi Faith2012,

*welcome* That first post can be the scariest, so please know it was very courageous of you to make that step. I grew up with a mother suffering from BPD as well, so I very much relate to your story, including the abuse, making plans to move out young, and blocking out memories. You're not alone. 

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. I saw you found the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board! It's a great place, and our senior members there can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey. The ending board is a great place too! Members need a minimum post count before they can post there though.

So, welcome! Keep posting, and I hope you find lots of healing and support here.

Apart from hurtful memories has it affected your own personal development much. By that I mean have you developed any of her traits by being in that environment? Here we call those fleas.

One of the emphasis we place here is working on ourselves rather than trying to fix our pwBPD. It means a lot of self analysis, as part of the learning to let go. Some times we pick up like mannerisms or even go polar opposite. Either way we often make our decisions with part of our mind reacting to pwBPDs actions or thought processes.

The more we can be truly independent thinkers, unaffected by the pwBPD, the easier it is for us not to be aggravated by them and more accepting in a bullet proof manner.

In short what affects you most, why, and how can you change your thinking so it affects you less?

Thank you for your nice posts. It is nice to have support. Fleas! Yes I definitely have those! I did make a very distinct effort (way before I discovered BPD) to raise my children in a positive way with no verbal or physical abuse. Thank goodness!

I would say I have a problem trying to make everything perfect. I have until a few years ago had anxiety problems. That is better since I have been digging in with my therapist. I know before I had a lot of anger and always had to be right. I also liked to argue with people. Becoming aware has helped me to work on these things. I have always had trouble sleeping and with worrying. Also I tend to think what I do is never good enough. One problem I have now is that I am really triggered by anyone who reminds me of my mother. This would be a person who is not authentic or pretends that things are different than reality. I am discovering that I can let it go and not take it personally. That has been hard though.

I should also mention that I have a problem with authority. I like to be the one in charge and I don't like anyone telling me what to do. I have read a lot about black and white thinking and I realize I need to find more grey in situations. One defense mechanism I learned growing up was to shut down my feelings. I think they are gradually coming back but sometimes it is hard to tell. I am sure there are more but these are the ones that come to mind!

One question... .  how many posts until I can respond in the ending board? I think that is where I belong. Thank you!