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So... .  the rest of this week has been interesting.  I am waiting to hear whether or not I  am  getting  the new place I looked at. Its nice, closer to my job... .  GATED. lol

I returned to work, and have been on my meds for a full week now.   My T  gave me a cd to listen to called " you can heal your life" by louise hay, and it has been really really helpful.   I mean, really... .  


Friday, a deputy called me to let me know that he had been in contact with him. He advised him that  he  has a restraining order  and  a court date, and that  he needed to pick up the paperwork. He told them he was  two hours away, and would pick up the paperwork on Monday.

I  went to the house today, with my sister and her hubby, so that we could begin packing my things.  It was so cold in the house when we got there.  It took almost  3 hours to really warm up.  Love don't live here anymore... .  thats how it felt.

I got a lot of packing done, but I'll have to go back to the house to get  the rest done  later this week.

It was hard though. I came across a picture of him. One that was taken when he was in the desert. It was his back ( he was showing off his cobra head), and it immediately  brought tears to my eyes. Looking at his back ( even in this picture) just made me remember that  we are walking away from each other. It hurt like hell today.

I turned on some music in my room, and this song was playing that  says  I wanna go back to when I was in love with you, theres nothing I can do. Its no fair I want to back to when I was in love with you"... .  

I sat in my closet and cried like a baby. I'm still in love with this man. I'm waiting for my heart to catch up with my  head, and sometimes this while thing takes my breath away.  I kept thinking that I'm getting help... .  but whose going to help him... .  I know its not my job to worry about him, but I am.

I wish I could fast forward to  when this pain is over.  All I kept thinking is how can he let us be over? Why can't he fix it?  But I know why. I don't like, and I don't understand it... .  but it is what it is.

I also was able to talk to my neighbor. She told me he was at  the house just about every evening last week.

I could tell... .    he had stomped a pair of my favorite  pumps ( I guess thats what he did). The were in the middle of the kitchen, with all kinds of dents in them, and  the heels were broken off.  He also punched some holes in the  walls of my closet.

Good thing our petition ask that he pay for the damages to what used to be our home.

There were plenty of beer cans  left behind, and some more pictures he had ripped up.   Of course his  thing were still there.

This evening, I get a call from a friend of mine. She used to date  a friend of his.   During the course of our relationship he and this guy friend had big falling out, He  tried to fight this guy at the club and shot at him. The last year of our relationship, he had little, if any contact with him.

Well any way, my friend called me to let me know that she had gotten a text message from  his friend.  The message says : he wants to know if you can get his stuff from old girl, since he cant contact her"

Old girl, huh? They both know my name.  At first this made me feel like a nothing. Then I realized that this is just another part of his game. He could have picked his ~ up while he was just hanging around the house last week.  He's so full of it.

My friend isn't going to respond. I thanked her.

I'm ready for all the good stuff life has to offer. Hope this blows over quickly, and quietly ... .  

Smartwoman

Great you could arrange a lot of things with help from your sister and her hubby!  |iiii

And a big, big   for the emotional side of this!

The thing with the pumps is really strange and insane.

Great you could spot the text message as what it is: His game, his craziness!

Thank you Surnia... .  This was hard for me to write because I miss him. Parts of me wonder if  he is really disordered, or if this a cruel joke. Like maybe he is testing me.  Its crazy how when someone hurts you, they seem they seem to be the only one who can make it right. 

I miss my baby... .  I really do.

Baby is gone.  I know that is hard to process, Baby is gone and this other stranger has taken over.  This stranger person is very very dangerous, don't let your guard down for a second.  He shot at his friend?  This is a person you can never allow into your life ever again.  It's like Baby has died and we grieve deeply when we lose a loved one, the feelings are completely understandable.  You didn't cause his disorder and you cannot fix it.  Love does not conquer all when it comes to personality disorders.  :'(  Stay safe and be strong. 

Rose, my sister said the same thing. When we were at the house looking at the damage he had done, and when I  was crying and looking at his picture, she grabbed it and ripped it up.   She told me to stop dwelling on the fact that he has been coming to the house, and SOMETIMES waiting patiently, because, as the damage shows, even when he is trying to be the person I want him to be, his feet are always dangling over the edge and it doesn't take much to push him over.

I keep trying to rationalize that he  is lashing out because he misses me as much as I miss him, and if I were there, we could  fix this awful mess.

My sister told me that  I should pretend like he  is dead, since  our relationship ended abruptly... .  

This whole processing that we are over is just hard. I felt like we were going down hill, but I wasn't all the way done. I kept thinking that if  I could just find the sore spot inside him,  we would be better.

I know  I sound pathetic, I know I need some help... .  but I miss him. I hate him for doing this to me.  I hate him for doing this to that piece of him that wanted to thrive. I hate him for killing all our hopes... I hate the silence... .  I think that is what  is killing me the most.

I feel like I'm losing it.

I know, sometimes I'm jealous of those whose loved one died while they still loved each other.  They get to grieve knowing their loved one truly loved them.  We don't get that piece.   :'(  We don't get the support they do.  We don't get people bringing over meals for us in our bereavement.  We should get that because what we are dealing with is much worse.  Our sweeties do not love us anymore, the disorder has flipped us into critical parent in their thoughts.  They don't want our love, they want revenge.  Ok, we got abused and now we get blamed as being the abuser.  Enough to drive anyone to drink.

Our friends are pffft, get over it, he was bad.  But we got a glimpse of a wonderful sweet person.  That person is gone.  That person has died.

The only bright side is that they are still alive and as long as they are kicking and breathing maybe they will one day make the choice to get help.  Or not.  Their choice.  We have no choice but to move on.  Grieve that sweet person that we fell in love with, grieve grieve grieve.  We have lives to live, too.  We can't let this conquer us.  We can be more compassionate people towards hurting people.  Protective towards others being abused when people tell them, just get over it.  We know how it feels.  I don't think we are going through this massive hurt for nothing, I do believe we can help others as we go along.  Just like those on this site that have gone before us, if they can do it, we can too.

We need grieving and healing and changing to go at their own paces, not rushing things. Because we need them to turn out for the best and that's up to each of us to live it.