BPDFamily.com

... .  maintaining a relationship with bf/gf of child with BPD?

D18BPD has minimal (almost NC) - has cut us off her facebook as well.  This, while sometimes sad, is understandable - she does what she does and it's not what I can control. 

I've never had any relationship with the parent's of her boyfriend's. They become her new and glorious family   and she goes very far out of her way to keep us separated.  Like two different worlds.  In the past I haven't really wanted to contact the parents of these boyfriends and I haven't found much in common with them.

I found out through a mutual friend that the boyfriend has become a fiance (ring but no date) and I'm compelled to now contact the mother of the young man as this may or may not proceed to marriage.

How has this worked for you all?  Has this interference in your BPD kid's lives made things better or worse? for you? for your child?  Has this opened doors?  Have you maintained these relationships?  Is this suggested by any books you've read or any P's you've contacted? 

Just wanting your experience.  Anything can happen so I'm open to good things but don't want another can of worms.  Ugh!

Happy New Year!

I can only offer my view from what I witnessed and from a different perspective. Before I started a romantic relationship with my ex, Her mom was the best thing in her life. Loved her mom. Talked about moving to her city and living close to her. After we got involved I spent a great week with them over Thanksgiving and then left. My ex stayed behind. She got into an argument with her step dad. Split them both and have been near NC with them since (over 2 years ago). Her mom contacted me from time to time to see what was going on in her life. My ex really resented that. She didn't like her mom checking up on her behind her back and saw it as controlling. When she would take her mom's calls or answer an email (ignored a lot of them) she was generally very cold to her mom but it didn't upset her. I think she actually appreciated the attention although she couldn't seem to let her mom back in for whatever reason. In at least my ex's case you are better off contacting and trying to deal with her directly. Even if it doesn't seem like you are getting through I do think it lets her know you care.  

I understand you wish to get to know the family better since you might end up being related, however, we need to remember how our children take things. Other children would see that effort on your part as normal and would even facilitate both families coming together, but a BPD person would see it as a way to be controlled. Your daughter might not see your good intentions and probably will interpret your attempt to make contact with her boyfriend’s family as “yet another way” to control her. It is so sad that we yearn for a normal relationship with our kids and can’t have it because of their condition. When my daughter hurts my feelings or when I am disappointed at what she does, I try to remind myself that expecting her to apologize or to see things in a different light is like expecting a child with a low IQ to solve a calculus equation. We need to remember that they are emotionally challenged and can’t get from them what we would expect from a normal child. Keeping that in mind has helped me to come to terms with my situation and to accept her for who she is. Hope this helps.

I have a different experience in that almost all communication with my dd/21 is through her bf.  She seems to prefer it this way, perhaps because she can keep some sort of relationship with me and her dad through a surrogate, and still maintain minimal contact herself.

His parents are both dead and he appears to turn to us for support.  Unfortunately, he does have some issues which we haven't quite figured out.  He says that he has an agressive form of lymphoma and it is possibly terminal.  We're not sure what's real anymore.