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Title: Trying to do NC... but he just keeps asking Post by: Dragonfly24 on January 06, 2013, 04:06:40 PM I left my BPD husband 2 months ago, have set limits to voice & face to face contact after many upsetting texts, emails and phone calls. I told him I no longer wish to speak to him about anything but our son and any financial things and only want to communicate by email. He continues to try and get me to meet him for coffee, text or email every once in awhile trying to engage in some conversation, a couple weeks ago a 12 min video of himself "apologizing" telling me not to blame myself and this last thing was a 14 min video of himself pleading with me to tell him why I won't consider getting back together and a whole bunch of guilt trips about being a family for our son... . he wants me to tell him why... . do I need to? I can't imagine again telling him how toxic our relationship was and how much he hurt me and painful traumatic memories... . that I cannot forget the betrayal I felt when I realized how much verbal and emotional abuse he has put me through for years and how terrible of a partner he was and how neglectful and mean and horrifying he was to me and our son. I feel like he really doesn't and cannot understand no matter how much anyone tells him... . and this is another way for him to either twist my words around or to fulfill the need to hear my voice to gain some level of control, like "I knew I could get her to talk to me." Or is it just to give himself more pain, some form of punishment... . I just don't know if its wrong to ignore this over and over?
Title: Re: Trying to do NC... but he just keeps asking Post by: ambi on January 06, 2013, 05:01:02 PM You don't need to do anything you don't want to with regard to him right now. Make your decisions on what's best for you and your child.
I don't think he's sending those things to you to cause himself pain. I think he is hoping to engage you and get you to reconcile with him. Videos? Does he have an aversion to typing? Title: Re: Trying to do NC... but he just keeps asking Post by: seeking balance on January 06, 2013, 05:58:14 PM I left my BPD husband 2 months ago, have set limits to voice & face to face contact after many upsetting texts, emails and phone calls. I told him I no longer wish to speak to him about anything but our son and any financial things and only want to communicate by email. He continues to try and get me to meet him for coffee, text or email every once in awhile trying to engage in some conversation, a couple weeks ago a 12 min video of himself "apologizing" telling me not to blame myself and this last thing was a 14 min video of himself pleading with me to tell him why I won't consider getting back together and a whole bunch of guilt trips about being a family for our son... . he wants me to tell him there is no win for you or him in having this conversation again. Are you actively in the divorce process or do you plan to try again with him? I feel like he really doesn't and cannot understand no matter how much anyone tells him... . and this is another way for him to either twist my words around or to fulfill the need to hear my voice to gain some level of control, like "I knew I could get her to talk to me." Or is it just to give himself more pain, some form of punishment... . I just don't know if its wrong to ignore this over and over? you are right, he cannot understand. His reality and your reality are different and to use a quote from the staying board - trying to get a duck to bark is going to frustrate you and piss off the duck... . His core issue is abandonment -you left, he is going to say or do anything to get your attention - even if it is negative attention. What are you bigger picture plans regarding divorce or reconciliation? Title: Re: Trying to do NC... but he just keeps asking Post by: Dragonfly24 on January 06, 2013, 10:17:33 PM I left my BPD husband 2 months ago, have set limits to voice & face to face contact after many upsetting texts, emails and phone calls. I told him I no longer wish to speak to him about anything but our son and any financial things and only want to communicate by email. He continues to try and get me to meet him for coffee, text or email every once in awhile trying to engage in some conversation, a couple weeks ago a 12 min video of himself "apologizing" telling me not to blame myself and this last thing was a 14 min video of himself pleading with me to tell him why I won't consider getting back together and a whole bunch of guilt trips about being a family for our son... . he wants me to tell him there is no win for you or him in having this conversation again. Are you actively in the divorce process or do you plan to try again with him? I feel like he really doesn't and cannot understand no matter how much anyone tells him... . and this is another way for him to either twist my words around or to fulfill the need to hear my voice to gain some level of control, like "I knew I could get her to talk to me." Or is it just to give himself more pain, some form of punishment... . I just don't know if its wrong to ignore this over and over? you are right, he cannot understand. His reality and your reality are different and to use a quote from the staying board - trying to get a duck to bark is going to frustrate you and piss off the duck... . His core issue is abandonment -you left, he is going to say or do anything to get your attention - even if it is negative attention. What are you bigger picture plans regarding divorce or reconciliation? Bigger picture is divorce. I am in the process of filing, but been waiting to get the temporary custody hearing squared away which I have been waiting and waiting for... . to them 2 months ago it was not an emergency, a month later when he fled the country and told me he was never coming back and then harasses me while he's there and ends up returning 2 weeks later... . it is really depressing how my state has been completely unhelpful and unsympathetic with crazy rules since the beginning when I was denied after filing for involuntary commitment after waiting hours for someone to give me the paperwork... . my husband was taken in an ambulance when i had to call 911 after 2 hours of waiting for the suicide "support team" for fear of his life and mine after he was in crisis and completely unpredictable and waiting trying to keep calm and not react while he is threatening suicide, raging at me, begging me to help him die, crawling around on the floor, threatening to "take all these pills" unless I... . ,destroying property in the house, and then snaps out of it as soon as the paramedics came in and spoke with such calm finesse, he ran away from the hospital the ambulance brought him to and walked home at least an 45 min walk and broke into our house. I somehow get him to go with me to the ER to the state next to our home state where we are and hospital is nice and familiar, because we had been there once before for suicide and they have a crisis center. This state would not release him and ended up making him stay involuntarily and he was hospitalized for 9 days. Long story short... . he quit his job in April, he never filed for disability, he has no money and still does not have a job, so filing for divorce right now doesn't seem right, at least this is what my lawyer has advised as well... . going to get through this temporary custody hearing, praying it goes in the best direction it can. The best thing I ever did was leave, and I will never go back. I can't, I cannot be there for him anymore. I tried everything, but I do realize now that it is not up to me. Thank you for caring and writing to me. This has been so hard, and I am a mess. To sum it up Title: Re: Trying to do NC... but he just keeps asking Post by: seeking balance on January 06, 2013, 10:39:25 PM You have been through a lot... . we are all a mess in this part, be gentle with yourself.
Maintain the boundaries set... . play it the way your attorney advises... . the legal board is really good for these situations too. Hang in there, SB |